I'm Back, I'm Scared, I Died, and I Feel Alone

[luna6illian]

I have been gone from this site for quite some time, been in college as I've mentioned here before and dealing with other things.
I won't "pussy foot" around, I need help. Recently I was driven to suicide, my mother who is a Jehovah Witness has hounded on me due to my mental illness of Depression. Now, I hadn't had many suicidal thoughts in my head, other than the occasional my life is pointless what will I do thoughts I was relatively content. Then I was in a car accident.
My mother was driving down the highway, me in the passenger seat, going about 60 mph. There was construction and a car was stopped ahead of us, I see it and tell her to slow down but she's staring out my window and bam. Black out. Air bag. Boom, I'm asleep. When I wake up I'm being pulled out of my mom's ruined truck, a bit cut up, and see the car she hit is reduced to a crumbled sheet on the opposite side of the road. Well, turns out the crash messed up my head, and in simple terms "rattled the control panel where the emotions are in the brain"
Due to my mother's own ignorance, I almost died and my mind reverted back to a state of fear and self hatred. I was as I was before satanism. And, sadly, that means I was afraid of everything and everyone and I felt no one could help me, including Father Himself. I, as shameful as it is, was afraid he would be ashamed of me as my mother had told me she was shortly after the accident. I was afraid he'd abandoned me for allowing me to be injured and miss so much of my life. Due to the accident I failed my first semester of college and now I have decided to leave school for awhile. But the pain of going through months of this made me think that He hated me like my mother did.
So, I took my own life. My mother had shouted and screamed at me previously for something I don't remember after this accident, and I took my painkillers and let myself overdose. I didn't have my own mother's love, no love for myself, and felt Father didn't love me as well. Then I'm in a hospital and the same night I'm put into a mental hospital. Horrible place no privacy, no soft beds, no iPads, no shoes. But I got medication and I got out early for good behavior. 
I'd missed so much. My mother cries now blaming herself, as she should, and I cannot care about her tears and shame when she didn't care of my own. But now I'm still afraid. I sometimes get the thoughts of suicide, but my therapist and my medication are supposed to keep me "under control" and not harm myself. 
I say all of this because I have no one else to tell, and because I need aid in terms of being a Spiritual Satanist. That accident left me damaged in my head and now I'm afraid of just about everything, I'm sad, angry, questioning, confused, and feel like I'm alone. I know Father is always with me, I just don't feel it anymore like I used to and just feel like I have let Him down. To me, being told you are a disappointment is the worst thing you can say to someone. I don't want to be a disappointment to Him, and my mother, and myself on top of it. I couldn't live with myself, I'd have nothing to live for without His love.
I guess I'm just asking for guidance, I don't remember some things and I am afraid to try and speak to Father or my guardian after being unable to for so long. I'm afraid of everything when I didn't used to be. And I know enemy angles and Jews feed off of our fear, that much I do remember, and I don't want them to feast on that even though I'm sure they already have.
I want assurance I suppose, to reach out to people so I know I'm not alone, so I know I'm not the only one who doesn't know everything, that I'm not prefect and it's okay. My mother, she expects perfection in her eyes and in the eyes of her fucking god, despite the mistakes she has made. She kills me and has not so much as apologized for it. I just want to know it's okay to make mistakes.
I am going to meditate tonight, even though I'm terrified, and I know I'll be vulnerable. I just need answers, to know if I'm okay, if I'm not okay, if I'm being hunted or if my luck is simply running out. 
I'm sorry for telling a life story, I just have no one else to tell. I have no friends out here in this world, no one who would care if I told them that I ended my life but was brought back, and me putting this out there feels like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders. So thanks for that.
I have so many fears and questions I never had, I'm trying to ignore them, to move on and get back to meditation, I don't want to be like the others with their false gods. I can't quit. 

 

[andariel7]

Hi luna6illian,    I know what you feel. I have also issues with my own mother, and also thinked that Father left me.  I'm trully sorry for what hapend to you.   I just want to tell you that Father Satan is very forgiving and loving, very.. and I guess he don't look at you through your mother's eyes. He wants you to better then you were yesterday, not the best (like better than others) And yes, it's okay to be not perfect and make mistakes. It's just your mother messing up with your head. Mine mother caused me depression too, she wanted a perfect child  to gloryfie herself infront of others. It was always about her and my feelings and thoughts never caunted for her. She throw on me every problems, but never even think I may had one too, even when I was so depressed that I needed help, she denayed..Maybe you have the same problem as I did. You need to get rid of illusion that you have loving mother.  She may be narcissist. Read more about it. I recommend Allice Miller's, Suzan Foward books
Maybe you have trauma - when fear (or other emotions) were too much to bear, so you throw it to your uncounciousness, and that's what blocking you. It also can cause not remembering things. (more information -Alexander Lowen and "Waking the tiger" by Peter A. Levine.) You will need to get through that emotions, ask yourself what do you feel and why, why are you afraid of..
And never give up, ask Father Satan for help.

 

[Ass Hole]

My dear, the only difference between your story and mine is the accident part and the death part. The only reason I haven't committed suicide (although it has been my final option for many times) is that I think I was a satanist in my former life. Cos the only help I've had so far is from Satan. He  started helping me even before I learnt what it meant to be a Satanist. It is very betraying for a parent to loose faith in her child. It is very disappointing to the point of hopelessness for a parent(s) to hate directly or indirectly her child. The treatment I receive from my own parents who are pastors, especially my mother was what turned me against Christianity in the first place. And uncountable times I have heard from my father that I am of Satan, he doesn't know the truth in what he says but says it to scorn me. I have come to believe that Father Satan chooses one from his mothers womb, and as you grow up He brings circumstances that will open your eyes of understanding and turn you to Him (the true God). If you take your memory back to the day you can remember of seeing this world, you'll see like me that the hatred your mother has for you has no beginning. Like me you will not remember what the cause might be. She herself will have no explanation for it, but I have found an explanation, like me you might have been a reincarnated Satanist. You were born by someone who cannot understand you, someone who's life can never be compaired to yours. My dear, like me Satan has a reason for bringing you back and He has a reason for not letting you die. Don't give up, and don't pity her, she is nothing like you. Stop expecting softness or motherly attentions from her cos you'll never get it, she will only keep disappointing you. Stop expecting pity from her cos she can't give it to you, stop expecting love, they are not capable of it (I'm speaking from experience). Let her wallow in blindness, let her fake god useless her. But you, you have a mission. Look, deep inside of you after a meditation ritual, relax, look very deep, you'll discover you have no fear. The negativity of ur mother has psychologically almost finished you. You must rebel against it. The fact that you are having a worst attack (as I would put it) means that you have a very important mission in this fight. Keep this in mind and never forget it. Discard the fear, put meditation first in ur everyday activity and learn to be independent of her. It was the first thing I learnt to do. With time you'll discover a lot of recovery, psychologically, emotionally, financially and other wise. But you need to start now, start with the easy meditation that you can handle, so that you can go back to school earlier than you expected (yes that's the first thing that will happen to you) and you'll finish sooner than you expected. Then one thing you must do is to ask Satan what it is He wants you to do for Him. I'm not a ritualistic person (not that ritual is bad) its cos I'm still home and soon I'll be out for good but peacefully cos after all theyre still my parents. How I talk to Satan and my guardian Demon (whom I don't know yet, although I feel Him/her from time to time) is by asking as if I'm asking my physically father for something and believe me what ever it is I asked I always receive concrete replies by either listening to my heart or seeing it happen if its a physical stuff. And one thing you should do is start a fight for Satan, not minding how small but anonymously. To me its a way of showing gratitude for all He's been doing for me. Its not always good to remain at the receiving end and not sacrificing something to appreciate the giver. Don't worry, we'll conquer this world for Satan, we'll banish Christianity in this generation not the next (cos its the reason for all the bad things in this world) and soon peace will reign, there will be no worthless mothers and useless fathers anymore. Any time you need help come here, that's the reason for this group and don't break the chain by missing a morning or night meditation. We love you
HAIL SATAN.

On Feb 6, 2014 5:47 PM, <amiraohs@... wrote:

  I have been gone from this site for quite some time, been in college as I've mentioned here before and dealing with other things.
I won't "pussy foot" around, I need help. Recently I was driven to suicide, my mother who is a Jehovah Witness has hounded on me due to my mental illness of Depression. Now, I hadn't had many suicidal thoughts in my head, other than the occasional my life is pointless what will I do thoughts I was relatively content. Then I was in a car accident.
My mother was driving down the highway, me in the passenger seat, going about 60 mph. There was construction and a car was stopped ahead of us, I see it and tell her to slow down but she's staring out my window and bam. Black out. Air bag. Boom, I'm asleep. When I wake up I'm being pulled out of my mom's ruined truck, a bit cut up, and see the car she hit is reduced to a crumbled sheet on the opposite side of the road. Well, turns out the crash messed up my head, and in simple terms "rattled the control panel where the emotions are in the brain"
Due to my mother's own ignorance, I almost died and my mind reverted back to a state of fear and self hatred. I was as I was before satanism. And, sadly, that means I was afraid of everything and everyone and I felt no one could help me, including Father Himself. I, as shameful as it is, was afraid he would be ashamed of me as my mother had told me she was shortly after the accident. I was afraid he'd abandoned me for allowing me to be injured and miss so much of my life. Due to the accident I failed my first semester of college and now I have decided to leave school for awhile. But the pain of going through months of this made me think that He hated me like my mother did.
So, I took my own life. My mother had shouted and screamed at me previously for something I don't remember after this accident, and I took my painkillers and let myself overdose. I didn't have my own mother's love, no love for myself, and felt Father didn't love me as well. Then I'm in a hospital and the same night I'm put into a mental hospital. Horrible place no privacy, no soft beds, no iPads, no shoes. But I got medication and I got out early for good behavior. 
I'd missed so much. My mother cries now blaming herself, as she should, and I cannot care about her tears and shame when she didn't care of my own. But now I'm still afraid. I sometimes get the thoughts of suicide, but my therapist and my medication are supposed to keep me "under control" and not harm myself. 
I say all of this because I have no one else to tell, and because I need aid in terms of being a Spiritual Satanist. That accident left me damaged in my head and now I'm afraid of just about everything, I'm sad, angry, questioning, confused, and feel like I'm alone. I know Father is always with me, I just don't feel it anymore like I used to and just feel like I have let Him down. To me, being told you are a disappointment is the worst thing you can say to someone. I don't want to be a disappointment to Him, and my mother, and myself on top of it. I couldn't live with myself, I'd have nothing to live for without His love.
I guess I'm just asking for guidance, I don't remember some things and I am afraid to try and speak to Father or my guardian after being unable to for so long. I'm afraid of everything when I didn't used to be. And I know enemy angles and Jews feed off of our fear, that much I do remember, and I don't want them to feast on that even though I'm sure they already have.
I want assurance I suppose, to reach out to people so I know I'm not alone, so I know I'm not the only one who doesn't know everything, that I'm not prefect and it's okay. My mother, she expects perfection in her eyes and in the eyes of her fucking god, despite the mistakes she has made. She kills me and has not so much as apologized for it. I just want to know it's okay to make mistakes.
I am going to meditate tonight, even though I'm terrified, and I know I'll be vulnerable. I just need answers, to know if I'm okay, if I'm not okay, if I'm being hunted or if my luck is simply running out. 
I'm sorry for telling a life story, I just have no one else to tell. I have no friends out here in this world, no one who would care if I told them that I ended my life but was brought back, and me putting this out there feels like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders. So thanks for that.
I have so many fears and questions I never had, I'm trying to ignore them, to move on and get back to meditation, I don't want to be like the others with their false gods. I can't quit. 

 

[phenex_the_fallen]

First of all, don't ever let anyone tell you how you feel. Secondly, i can understand fear, as i'm sure you can, as well, but simply don't be. I know that sounds irrational or impossible, but just don't be. You have nothing to be afraid of. And coming back to communication with our creator is nothing to be afraid of. Why would he be mad? All that was ever wanted for you was empowerment and understanding of the truth, so coming back to that path is more joyous than a reason to be angry. Celebrate! Meditate! Be happy that you know the truth and have the ability to become what was intended of the entire human race and that you had the amazing ability to find the path on your own!

As for any injuries you may have incurred, i hope you get better! I actually got hit by a car going down the highway while i was skateboarding home, so if even only slightly, i know how ya feel, bro.

 

[adriennedennis1]

All of you who have answered, I applaud you I love seeing people look out for their own. I'm excited to be involved in this life we live praising our Father! Luna, I wish I knew you in person so I could be there for you.. I want to help and encourage you and everyone else in any way I can Just take one step at a time, Satan will always take care of things <3 much love to all of you! Hail Our Creator Satan!!