Not Okay?

[Elizabeth Figge]

I know this doesn't specifically focus on an aspect of Satanism but I have no idea where else to go, who else to ask, or who is even listening and knows how to help, or if anyone wants to help. I am short of begging for help. Fuck, I will beg. Please, someone help me. I need a brother, a sister, a guardian, father, anyone. I need help, please help me.

I am caught in an endless and vicious cycle. I'm so isolated from everything. I cannot find employment for the ass I bust, deadlines get closer and closer, I have no motivation to do anything at all. I have been backed into a corner. I am losing faith in every aspect of my life, I no longer believe or want to even fool myself into thinking things will get better. Because they won't. This is life, this is the rest of my existence for however long I want to go on with it. I have no motivation to do spiritual exercises because every rejection in life I get further confirms I am utterly expendable and useless. Who cares if I advance myself? I'm not remarkable or special in any way, shape, or form. There are a million more just like me so what is the point? They could replace me. It wouldn't be a blip on anyone's radar if I just didn't even exist.

I am ashamed to be like this, I feel weak and stupid and like a pathetic excuse of a wretch for one of Satan's children. I don't feel I am worth their time, effort, or kindness. I find myself wanting them to forget I exist and most of the time believing they hate me because I was always destined to fail everyone completely. I am such a horrible, useless, unforgivable person. I hate myself. I hate myself to my very core. I am disgusting. I am lazy and stuck and I will never be better. I have so many emotional issues that stem from my past that I don't know how to fix or deal with. I could talk myself blue in the face and it doesn't make anything better. I can't afford professional help.

I've been so confused about my gender lately. Isn't that a stupid thing to confuse over? I'm not a girl. I hate that I have breasts and hips. But I'm not some manly man. So what am I? It makes my skin crawl when people used feminine pronouns in public. It tells me I am just a pathetic poser. I'd be happy with them not even knowing over being called a girl.

I often think of suicide. I think of ways I could go. I seriously considered driving in front of a car on the highway, or maybe stepping into a busy street, or bleeding out. I don't think anyone around me can truly help me at this point. As I type this, I wonder "Will I be brave enough to do it today?". But I don't check myself into anywhere because they'll want money I don't have. Isn't that pathetic? Sometimes I hope someone will catch me in the act and put me in a hospital so I can get medicine or feel better juice or fucking something. Then I think "I would just feel so much better if I meditated". Because depression is lack of energy, right? But maybe, can't I be depressed because of what is happening?

Maybe Father and the Gods have known all along that I am nothing but a terrible, awful, horrible failure and this is my punishment. Maybe I am being punished for not being a good Satanist. I deserve it. I deserve to be left behind, I deserve the anger and disgust.

I am so lost. I guess this is the end of what I wanted to say. Sorry if I have wasted your time.

 

[[email protected]]

I don't think there have been anyone as depressive as i used to be. When I read your post, i just got to realise how much my life changed since i turned to Satanism and began power meditation. I dropped it for many times and often i felt like i just disappointed everyone, especially our Gods. I had strong suicidal thoughts but all that kept me from doing it was the though that i would disappoint Satan even more. That was something i didn't want to do. Actually i had two options: either go on, whining and pitying myself without changing anything in my situation, or wake up and do something about it. I never expected much as i thought i can't do anything. But I began anyway to meditate, to program my aura, to vibrate runes. Things didn't change over night but i had nothing left to loose so i continued. 

Hail Satan!
Pe 20-nov.-2012, la 22:12, "Elizabeth Figge" <squeaky.lemon@... a scris:

  I know this doesn't specifically focus on an aspect of Satanism but I have no idea where else to go, who else to ask, or who is even listening and knows how to help, or if anyone wants to help. I am short of begging for help. Fuck, I will beg. Please, someone help me. I need a brother, a sister, a guardian, father, anyone. I need help, please help me.

I am caught in an endless and vicious cycle. I'm so isolated from everything. I cannot find employment for the ass I bust, deadlines get closer and closer, I have no motivation to do anything at all. I have been backed into a corner. I am losing faith in every aspect of my life, I no longer believe or want to even fool myself into thinking things will get better. Because they won't. This is life, this is the rest of my existence for however long I want to go on with it. I have no motivation to do spiritual exercises because every rejection in life I get further confirms I am utterly expendable and useless. Who cares if I advance myself? I'm not remarkable or special in any way, shape, or form. There are a million more just like me so what is the point? They could replace me. It wouldn't be a blip on anyone's radar if I just didn't even exist.

I am ashamed to be like this, I feel weak and stupid and like a pathetic excuse of a wretch for one of Satan's children. I don't feel I am worth their time, effort, or kindness. I find myself wanting them to forget I exist and most of the time believing they hate me because I was always destined to fail everyone completely. I am such a horrible, useless, unforgivable person. I hate myself. I hate myself to my very core. I am disgusting. I am lazy and stuck and I will never be better. I have so many emotional issues that stem from my past that I don't know how to fix or deal with. I could talk myself blue in the face and it doesn't make anything better. I can't afford professional help.

I've been so confused about my gender lately. Isn't that a stupid thing to confuse over? I'm not a girl. I hate that I have breasts and hips. But I'm not some manly man. So what am I? It makes my skin crawl when people used feminine pronouns in public. It tells me I am just a pathetic poser. I'd be happy with them not even knowing over being called a girl.

I often think of suicide. I think of ways I could go. I seriously considered driving in front of a car on the highway, or maybe stepping into a busy street, or bleeding out. I don't think anyone around me can truly help me at this point. As I type this, I wonder "Will I be brave enough to do it today?". But I don't check myself into anywhere because they'll want money I don't have. Isn't that pathetic? Sometimes I hope someone will catch me in the act and put me in a hospital so I can get medicine or feel better juice or fucking something. Then I think "I would just feel so much better if I meditated". Because depression is lack of energy, right? But maybe, can't I be depressed because of what is happening?

Maybe Father and the Gods have known all along that I am nothing but a terrible, awful, horrible failure and this is my punishment. Maybe I am being punished for not being a good Satanist. I deserve it. I deserve to be left behind, I deserve the anger and disgust.

I am so lost. I guess this is the end of what I wanted to say. Sorry if I have wasted your time.

 

[[email protected]]

I accidentally pressed the send button lol.. Here is the rest of the message:
As i said i had nothing left to loose anyway so i kept on meditating. After some time, surprised i realised i have not being depressed for a couple of days and i was feeling good with no reason.. I was amazed and this motivated me to meditate even more. Then other things started to go better. Now all my friends admit i am very confident in myself, i have a very strong mind and above all i enjoy life as much as i can. All these because of power meditation. It simply elevates us.
A very important thing that i learned from JoS was that if i want to change and get better, i have to stop taking negatively about myself. Being depressed i was seeing all the bad sides of me and if there was something good, i was making sure it will get twisted. This was putting me in an even deeper depression. So i started talking positively about myself and even if it felt strange doing this, especially in the beginning, i kept on doing it. After some time, if i was saying something negatively about myself, my mind would tell me that's not the way it is. I saturated my mind with positive affirmations about myself, and it began to change me according to those positive statements. This is very important.
The way it helped me and many others over here, it can help you too. I am convinced about it.
In my opinion you dont need any 'profesional help'. You only need to stick up to a meditation program. Choose some runes that gives strength and mental power. Wunjo works wonders in banishing depression - i used it a lot in the past. Try more and see what fits you the best.
Oh, and in regards to the sexual orientation.. Here is an article you should read. It is very good: gblt.webs.com/Morality_Sexuality_and_You.htm
Everything we need to know to elevate ourselves is on JoS Ministry websites. Read them throughly and apply that knowledge. 
Hail Satan!
Pe 20-nov.-2012, la 22:12, "Elizabeth Figge" <squeaky.lemon@... a scris:

  I know this doesn't specifically focus on an aspect of Satanism but I have no idea where else to go, who else to ask, or who is even listening and knows how to help, or if anyone wants to help. I am short of begging for help. Fuck, I will beg. Please, someone help me. I need a brother, a sister, a guardian, father, anyone. I need help, please help me.

I am caught in an endless and vicious cycle. I'm so isolated from everything. I cannot find employment for the ass I bust, deadlines get closer and closer, I have no motivation to do anything at all. I have been backed into a corner. I am losing faith in every aspect of my life, I no longer believe or want to even fool myself into thinking things will get better. Because they won't. This is life, this is the rest of my existence for however long I want to go on with it. I have no motivation to do spiritual exercises because every rejection in life I get further confirms I am utterly expendable and useless. Who cares if I advance myself? I'm not remarkable or special in any way, shape, or form. There are a million more just like me so what is the point? They could replace me. It wouldn't be a blip on anyone's radar if I just didn't even exist.

I am ashamed to be like this, I feel weak and stupid and like a pathetic excuse of a wretch for one of Satan's children. I don't feel I am worth their time, effort, or kindness. I find myself wanting them to forget I exist and most of the time believing they hate me because I was always destined to fail everyone completely. I am such a horrible, useless, unforgivable person. I hate myself. I hate myself to my very core. I am disgusting. I am lazy and stuck and I will never be better. I have so many emotional issues that stem from my past that I don't know how to fix or deal with. I could talk myself blue in the face and it doesn't make anything better. I can't afford professional help.

I've been so confused about my gender lately. Isn't that a stupid thing to confuse over? I'm not a girl. I hate that I have breasts and hips. But I'm not some manly man. So what am I? It makes my skin crawl when people used feminine pronouns in public. It tells me I am just a pathetic poser. I'd be happy with them not even knowing over being called a girl.

I often think of suicide. I think of ways I could go. I seriously considered driving in front of a car on the highway, or maybe stepping into a busy street, or bleeding out. I don't think anyone around me can truly help me at this point. As I type this, I wonder "Will I be brave enough to do it today?". But I don't check myself into anywhere because they'll want money I don't have. Isn't that pathetic? Sometimes I hope someone will catch me in the act and put me in a hospital so I can get medicine or feel better juice or fucking something. Then I think "I would just feel so much better if I meditated". Because depression is lack of energy, right? But maybe, can't I be depressed because of what is happening?

Maybe Father and the Gods have known all along that I am nothing but a terrible, awful, horrible failure and this is my punishment. Maybe I am being punished for not being a good Satanist. I deserve it. I deserve to be left behind, I deserve the anger and disgust.

I am so lost. I guess this is the end of what I wanted to say. Sorry if I have wasted your time.

 

[darrklady13]

Email me please Elizabeth.

--- In [url=mailto:[email protected]][email protected][/url], "Elizabeth Figge" <squeaky.lemon@... wrote:

I know this doesn't specifically focus on an aspect of Satanism but I have no idea where else to go, who else to ask, or who is even listening and knows how to help, or if anyone wants to help. I am short of begging for help. Fuck, I will beg. Please, someone help me. I need a brother, a sister, a guardian, father, anyone. I need help, please help me.

I am caught in an endless and vicious cycle. I'm so isolated from everything. I cannot find employment for the ass I bust, deadlines get closer and closer, I have no motivation to do anything at all. I have been backed into a corner. I am losing faith in every aspect of my life, I no longer believe or want to even fool myself into thinking things will get better. Because they won't. This is life, this is the rest of my existence for however long I want to go on with it. I have no motivation to do spiritual exercises because every rejection in life I get further confirms I am utterly expendable and useless. Who cares if I advance myself? I'm not remarkable or special in any way, shape, or form. There are a million more just like me so what is the point? They could replace me. It wouldn't be a blip on anyone's radar if I just didn't even exist.

I am ashamed to be like this, I feel weak and stupid and like a pathetic excuse of a wretch for one of Satan's children. I don't feel I am worth their time, effort, or kindness. I find myself wanting them to forget I exist and most of the time believing they hate me because I was always destined to fail everyone completely. I am such a horrible, useless, unforgivable person. I hate myself. I hate myself to my very core. I am disgusting. I am lazy and stuck and I will never be better. I have so many emotional issues that stem from my past that I don't know how to fix or deal with. I could talk myself blue in the face and it doesn't make anything better. I can't afford professional help.

I've been so confused about my gender lately. Isn't that a stupid thing to confuse over? I'm not a girl. I hate that I have breasts and hips. But I'm not some manly man. So what am I? It makes my skin crawl when people used feminine pronouns in public. It tells me I am just a pathetic poser. I'd be happy with them not even knowing over being called a girl.

I often think of suicide. I think of ways I could go. I seriously considered driving in front of a car on the highway, or maybe stepping into a busy street, or bleeding out. I don't think anyone around me can truly help me at this point. As I type this, I wonder "Will I be brave enough to do it today?". But I don't check myself into anywhere because they'll want money I don't have. Isn't that pathetic? Sometimes I hope someone will catch me in the act and put me in a hospital so I can get medicine or feel better juice or fucking something. Then I think "I would just feel so much better if I meditated". Because depression is lack of energy, right? But maybe, can't I be depressed because of what is happening?

Maybe Father and the Gods have known all along that I am nothing but a terrible, awful, horrible failure and this is my punishment. Maybe I am being punished for not being a good Satanist. I deserve it. I deserve to be left behind, I deserve the anger and disgust.

I am so lost. I guess this is the end of what I wanted to say. Sorry if I have wasted your time.

 

[Joey Lovell]

Many of us have been there, trust me.  However, the Gods help those who help themselves.  It might be difficult to get yourself on a meditation program, but show your true strength of will.  When you do, don't give up.  Fight.  Persevere.  Build your powers, and use them.  Destroy the enemy, don't let them stop you.  The more you do for Father Satan, the more He does for you.  He's very busy right now, so meditate, build your aura, He needs strong warriors. HAIL SATAN!!
From: Elizabeth Figge <squeaky.lemon@...
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, November 20, 2012 4:12 PM
Subject: [JoyofSatan666] Not Okay?
  I know this doesn't specifically focus on an aspect of Satanism but I have no idea where else to go, who else to ask, or who is even listening and knows how to help, or if anyone wants to help. I am short of begging for help. Fuck, I will beg. Please, someone help me. I need a brother, a sister, a guardian, father, anyone. I need help, please help me.

I am caught in an endless and vicious cycle. I'm so isolated from everything. I cannot find employment for the ass I bust, deadlines get closer and closer, I have no motivation to do anything at all. I have been backed into a corner. I am losing faith in every aspect of my life, I no longer believe or want to even fool myself into thinking things will get better. Because they won't. This is life, this is the rest of my existence for however long I want to go on with it. I have no motivation to do spiritual exercises because every rejection in life I get further confirms I am utterly expendable and useless. Who cares if I advance myself? I'm not remarkable or special in any way, shape, or form. There are a million more just like me so what is the point? They could replace me. It wouldn't be a blip on anyone's radar if I just didn't even exist.

I am ashamed to be like this, I feel weak and stupid and like a pathetic excuse of a wretch for one of Satan's children. I don't feel I am worth their time, effort, or kindness. I find myself wanting them to forget I exist and most of the time believing they hate me because I was always destined to fail everyone completely. I am such a horrible, useless, unforgivable person. I hate myself. I hate myself to my very core. I am disgusting. I am lazy and stuck and I will never be better. I have so many emotional issues that stem from my past that I don't know how to fix or deal with. I could talk myself blue in the face and it doesn't make anything better. I can't afford professional help.

I've been so confused about my gender lately. Isn't that a stupid thing to confuse over? I'm not a girl. I hate that I have breasts and hips. But I'm not some manly man. So what am I? It makes my skin crawl when people used feminine pronouns in public. It tells me I am just a pathetic poser. I'd be happy with them not even knowing over being called a girl.

I often think of suicide. I think of ways I could go. I seriously considered driving in front of a car on the highway, or maybe stepping into a busy street, or bleeding out. I don't think anyone around me can truly help me at this point. As I type this, I wonder "Will I be brave enough to do it today?". But I don't check myself into anywhere because they'll want money I don't have. Isn't that pathetic? Sometimes I hope someone will catch me in the act and put me in a hospital so I can get medicine or feel better juice or fucking something. Then I think "I would just feel so much better if I meditated". Because depression is lack of energy, right? But maybe, can't I be depressed because of what is happening?

Maybe Father and the Gods have known all along that I am nothing but a terrible, awful, horrible failure and this is my punishment. Maybe I am being punished for not being a good Satanist. I deserve it. I deserve to be left behind, I deserve the anger and disgust.

I am so lost. I guess this is the end of what I wanted to say. Sorry if I have wasted your time.

 

[adonais777]

Hello Elizabeth , First I'm going to say that you are not wasting anyone's time by asking for help.  Although you may feel that you are isolated from everything—that is not the case.  Father Satan and the Gods are always here for us when we need them.  As Satan states in the Al-Jilwah, "I am ever present to help all who trust in me and call upon me in time of need."  Don't doubt that He is there for you.  You also have Brothers and Sisters in Satan here who can help and advise you. Secondly, and this is most important, don't give up on yourself—especially, don't harm yourself.  Suicide is not the answer, nor is it brave.  Being brave in this situation is being patient with yourself and not giving up, and trusting Father.  The feelings you've described, I have felt those same things many times myself, so I know how painful it can be feeling like you're worthless.  You are not useless or expendable, or any of those other negative things; and don't let the messed up circumstances in your life indicate to you otherwise.  When I have felt like that, when I have felt like a total loser and like giving up, what helped me was reminding myself that Satan and the Gods haven't given up on me; just as I'm sure they haven't given up on you.  Father Satan knows our true value; He knows who we really are and what we're really made of, because He created us.  Why should we doubt our worth when Satan assures us of it?  His assessment means more than anyone else's.... You can make the changes you need to improve your situation and get yourself feeling better, but it is going to take time.  Be patient and don't get so down on yourself.  Are you dedicated?  If not, I recommend doing so because that ensures that you are under the protection of the Powers of Hell, and that alone should start improving things.  It is also important to do Power Meditations regularly and consistently, which I know can be challenging, especially if you're new.  Read this sermon: Reasons for Beginning Struggles with Meditation & Magick - Satanic High Priest Vovim Baghie: Joy of Satan Ministries - Satanic High Priest Vovim Baghie. Meditating daily, along with other spiritual practices will balance and strengthen your energies and help clear out the crappy feelings you're having.  At the very least, clean your aura every day; it is most effective when you use a Satanic rosary and chant either the rune Algiz, or the Sanskrit mantra for the sun.  These techniques are explained here:  JoyofSatan666 : Message: 7/11/11 - Cleaning Your Aura - A Step Further and JoyofSatan666 : Message: Sermon 10/09/12. I strongly recommend that you do the Aura Of Protection meditation every day.  Also, doing the Void Meditation, Foundation Meditation, and some breathing exercises and hatha yoga makes a good basic daily routine.  The Meditation from Satan would also be good to help you feel better.  Since you are experiencing such problems and negative feelings, I also recommend you do a Standard Ritual to Satan and ask for the guidance and assistance you need to improve your life.  Beyond this, there are many workings and meditations you can do to help yourself—all the more reason to not give up!! Lastly, I wanted to touch on part of your post that had particular resonance with me.  Elizabeth , there is nothing stupid about feeling confused about your gender.  Over the past two years, I have been working through my own concerns about my gender.  I have discomfort about my female body, and don't like being considered a woman by others because I know I'm not a woman.  I'm pretty sure I'm a transgendered man, but I'm still deciding what to do about it, partly because I, too, am not a "manly man."  Another thing that has contributed to my indecision is that our current society is not very understanding about trans people.  It takes time to work through these feelings and figure out what you want to do, so be patient.  If you are transgendered, that is in your soul and is how Father Satan created you; there is nothing "wrong" with you.  There is a Joy of Satan group for GLBT people, if you would like to join:  Satanicgaycommunity : Satanic Gay Community. OK, I hope what I have said helps, and I hope you get to feeling better soon.  Please feel free to email me if you want to; I am glad to offer any further advice or help I can.  Stay strong!!!!  Sincerely, Adonais Hail Satan!!  Hail Enki!! Hail Andras!! Hail Adramelech!! Hail All the Gods of Hell!!                

 

[Elizabeth Figge]

I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to respond and give me advice. It makes me feel important, which was something very big for me. I don't feel quite so alone. I'm going to start a meditation program and crack down on myself and hope my situation gets better. Thank you all so much. I hope I can find the strength you all have. Brothers and Sisters.

HAIL SATAN.

--- In [url=mailto:[email protected]][email protected][/url], "adonais777" <adonais777@... wrote:


Hello Elizabeth,



First I'm going to say that you are not wasting anyone's time by
asking for help. Although you may feel that you are isolated from
everything—that is not the case. Father Satan and the Gods are
always here for us when we need them. As Satan states in the Al-Jilwah,
"I am ever present to help all who trust in me and call upon me in
time of need." Don't doubt that He is there for you. You also
have Brothers and Sisters in Satan here who can help and advise you.

Secondly, and this is most important, don't give up on
yourself—especially, don't harm yourself. Suicide is not the
answer, nor is it brave. Being brave in this situation is being patient
with yourself and not giving up, and trusting Father. The feelings
you've described, I have felt those same things many times myself,
so I know how painful it can be feeling like you're worthless. You
are not useless or expendable, or any of those other negative things;
and don't let the messed up circumstances in your life indicate to
you otherwise. When I have felt like that, when I have felt like a
total loser and like giving up, what helped me was reminding myself that
Satan and the Gods haven't given up on me; just as I'm sure they
haven't given up on you. Father Satan knows our true value; He
knows who we really are and what we're really made of, because He
created us. Why should we doubt our worth when Satan assures us of it?
His assessment means more than anyone else's....

You can make the changes you need to improve your situation and get
yourself feeling better, but it is going to take time. Be patient and
don't get so down on yourself. Are you dedicated? If not, I
recommend doing so because that ensures that you are under the
protection of the Powers of Hell, and that alone should start improving
things. It is also important to do Power Meditations regularly and
consistently, which I know can be challenging, especially if you're
new. Read this sermon:

Reasons for Beginning Struggles with Meditation & Magick - Satanic High
Priest Vovim Baghie: Joy of Satan Ministries - Satanic High Priest Vovim
Baghie
<http://www.vovimbaghie.com/satanic-serm ... trugg&#92;
les-with-meditation-magick/ .

Meditating daily, along with other spiritual practices will balance and
strengthen your energies and help clear out the crappy feelings
you're having. At the very least, clean your aura every day; it is
most effective when you use a Satanic rosary and chant either the rune
Algiz, or the Sanskrit mantra for the sun. These techniques are
explained here: JoyofSatan666 : Message: 7/11/11 - Cleaning Your Aura -
A Step Further
<http://groups.yahoo.com/group/JoyofSata ... sage/40918 and
JoyofSatan666 : Message: Sermon 10/09/12
<http://groups.yahoo.com/group/JoyofSata ... sage/73084 .

I strongly recommend that you do the Aura Of Protection
<http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpent ... ction.html
meditation every day. Also, doing the Void Meditation
<http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpent ... on.ht&#92;
ml , Foundation Meditation
<http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpent ... .html&#92;
, and some breathing exercises
<http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpent ... ng666.html and
hatha yoga <http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpentis666/Yoga2.html
makes a good basic daily routine. The Meditation from Satan
<http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpent ... ation.html
would also be good to help you feel better. Since you are experiencing
such problems and negative feelings, I also recommend you do a Standard
Ritual to Satan
<http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpent ... itual.html and ask for
the guidance and assistance you need to improve your life. Beyond this,
there are many workings and meditations you can do to help
yourself—all the more reason to not give up!!

Lastly, I wanted to touch on part of your post that had particular
resonance with me. Elizabeth, there is nothing stupid about feeling
confused about your gender. Over the past two years, I have been
working through my own concerns about my gender. I have discomfort
about my female body, and don't like being considered a woman by
others because I know I'm not a woman. I'm pretty sure I'm
a transgendered man, but I'm still deciding what to do about it,
partly because I, too, am not a "manly man." Another thing that
has contributed to my indecision is that our current society is not very
understanding about trans people. It takes time to work through these
feelings and figure out what you want to do, so be patient. If you are
transgendered, that is in your soul and is how Father Satan created you;
there is nothing "wrong" with you. There is a Joy of Satan
group for GLBT people, if you would like to join: Satanicgaycommunity :
Satanic Gay Community
<http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Satanicgaycommunity/ .

OK, I hope what I have said helps, and I hope you get to feeling better
soon. Please feel free to email me if you want to; I am glad to offer
any further advice or help I can. Stay strong!!!!



Sincerely,



Adonais



Hail Satan!! Hail Enki!!

Hail Andras!!

Hail Adramelech!!

Hail All the Gods of Hell!!

 

[Brian Gibbons]

I have been sitting here for 30 minutes trying to figure out just what to say to you.First my heart really goes out to you for where you are in life right now.Let me just say that you are not alone.I have been where you are in life myself at times in my life.But the great thing,and the most comforting thing is that change is constant.What that means is things always change,and things will get better for you,and then they will get worse again.But the only thing we can do,is figure out just what we have to offer this world,and do our best to fulfill it.
But the thing that is most important for you to realize is this,Yoga and Meditation is the best thing you can do.Even when I went through the worst times in my life,I always tried my best to do my meditations.The first year that I dedicated my life to Satan,in that year I lost my 17 year job,my marriage,and then my house was destroyed in a storm..But I never gave up even though I could not understand what was happening.Things were suppose to get better since I dedicated my life to Satan,but it proved to not be true at that point in my life.Now I have a new home,I am married to a wonder SS woman,and I have a great job.So please do not kill yourself,or things can never get better for you.All you can do is trust that things will get better soon,and just do what you need to to advance.No matter what is happening in your life,the answer is patience and hard work on yourself.And yes I do know that it is easier said then done,but life is not over yet,and if you are still drawing breath,then things can and will change. Hail Satan
Brian 

From: Elizabeth Figge <squeaky.lemon@...
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, November 20, 2012 3:12 PM
Subject: [JoyofSatan666] Not Okay?

  I know this doesn't specifically focus on an aspect of Satanism but I have no idea where else to go, who else to ask, or who is even listening and knows how to help, or if anyone wants to help. I am short of begging for help. Fuck, I will beg. Please, someone help me. I need a brother, a sister, a guardian, father, anyone. I need help, please help me.

I am caught in an endless and vicious cycle. I'm so isolated from everything. I cannot find employment for the ass I bust, deadlines get closer and closer, I have no motivation to do anything at all. I have been backed into a corner. I am losing faith in every aspect of my life, I no longer believe or want to even fool myself into thinking things will get better. Because they won't. This is life, this is the rest of my existence for however long I want to go on with it. I have no motivation to do spiritual exercises because every rejection in life I get further confirms I am utterly expendable and useless. Who cares if I advance myself? I'm not remarkable or special in any way, shape, or form. There are a million more just like me so what is the point? They could replace me. It wouldn't be a blip on anyone's radar if I just didn't even exist.

I am ashamed to be like this, I feel weak and stupid and like a pathetic excuse of a wretch for one of Satan's children. I don't feel I am worth their time, effort, or kindness. I find myself wanting them to forget I exist and most of the time believing they hate me because I was always destined to fail everyone completely. I am such a horrible, useless, unforgivable person. I hate myself. I hate myself to my very core. I am disgusting. I am lazy and stuck and I will never be better. I have so many emotional issues that stem from my past that I don't know how to fix or deal with. I could talk myself blue in the face and it doesn't make anything better. I can't afford professional help.

I've been so confused about my gender lately. Isn't that a stupid thing to confuse over? I'm not a girl. I hate that I have breasts and hips. But I'm not some manly man. So what am I? It makes my skin crawl when people used feminine pronouns in public. It tells me I am just a pathetic poser. I'd be happy with them not even knowing over being called a girl.

I often think of suicide. I think of ways I could go. I seriously considered driving in front of a car on the highway, or maybe stepping into a busy street, or bleeding out. I don't think anyone around me can truly help me at this point. As I type this, I wonder "Will I be brave enough to do it today?". But I don't check myself into anywhere because they'll want money I don't have. Isn't that pathetic? Sometimes I hope someone will catch me in the act and put me in a hospital so I can get medicine or feel better juice or fucking something. Then I think "I would just feel so much better if I meditated". Because depression is lack of energy, right? But maybe, can't I be depressed because of what is happening?

Maybe Father and the Gods have known all along that I am nothing but a terrible, awful, horrible failure and this is my punishment. Maybe I am being punished for not being a good Satanist. I deserve it. I deserve to be left behind, I deserve the anger and disgust.

I am so lost. I guess this is the end of what I wanted to say. Sorry if I have wasted your time.