Introducing myself and any advice?

[Nazaalli66]

Hello, dear brothers and sisters, i hope everyone is having a wonderful day.
I've been lurking in the forums for a long time before finally deciding to create an account and muster up the courage to ask for help and advice. I want to apologize for any grammar mistakes in advance, I'm lithuanian and english is my second language.
I think i should start by introducing myself. I'm currently almost 25 years old, even though i don't feel like it, i feel stuck somewhere in the past, sometimes it's like time stands still yet days and months fly by, it's probably because i feel quite stagnant and dissociated in my daily life. I've been dedicated since around 2013, i still remember lurking in the good old yahoo. In Lithuania, it was very common to baptize babies, and unfortunately i was one of them, however, ever since i was a little girl, i couldn't stand ever going to church, I'd avoid it at any cost because it brought me feelings of dread and hate. I knew in my heart that God exists, but it definitely wasn't the christian bullshit, and so i never passed the so called first communion, the only one in my whole family. I remember when i was really struggling i was looking for comfort in God, but again, i knew that God wasn't what people around propagate, so i decided to research and find my God, and so i stumbled upon the old Joy of Satan website, and never looked back, despite growing up hearing all the bullshit and lies about Satanism, i felt like i came back home.
My past isn't great, it's mostly filled with loneliness, fear of almost everything and being the black sheep. Ever since i was little, i never fit in, i always felt incredibly alienated and it's mostly due to my feelings of being different, never finding anything in common with others and in turn i ended up mostly completely alone throughout my life. In general, i have a hard time socializing, i feel like i am visibly full of fear every time i talk to someone who isn't close to me, i don't know what to say or how to respond, i mold my words that would be most appropriate for the situation instead of having organic conversations, unless of course I'm talking to someone i trust. I noticed i have a huge fear of being perceived and acknowledged in public by other people, i feel embarrassed if people simply look at me when I'm alone, it could be due to some unresolved childhood trauma. Other than the obvious previously mentioned people problem, I've struggled with self image, isolation and really bad depression at a very young age which led to two suicide attempts. First attempt was a really close call, and it left me with certain memory gaps and struggles to tie timelines together. Due to previously mentioned issues, ever since i was a child I'd just live in my head, in my daydream world, at first it was just an escape, something creative and safe, but now I'm self aware of just how much i live in my own head, it's to the point where my mind never shuts up. Unfortunately, on daily basis i feel so detached from myself, like I'm sleepwalking, it's such a struggle to force myself to do anything or add anything new to my routine, i have zero energy despite being considered physically healthy. It's hard to even describe this feeling, it's basically like going through the motions in a trance every single day.
Currently my biggest issue is feeling lost in my life when it comes to relationships and career. I've never been in a romantic relationship, and it feels like there's such a big empty gap in my life because of it, no amount of self love or distractions can fill it. Back when the Azazel's Marketplace was still up, i ordered a couple of astrology readings from our great HP HC, and even based on some aspects of my chart, love is a big part of my life, it feels like my life force and it is very important to me. However, being as introverted as i am, i have no clue how to even find my partner, i definitely don't trust anyone on the dating apps and i don't like public places or gatherings, and most people around me are just empty with no spiritual values. I've done love spells and basic aura with affirmations. I'm not new to meditations, and even though i completed 40 day program and warfare training a long time ago i still consider myself very much a beginner when it comes to actual skill and progress in meditating, because in the past I've been on and off when it comes to consistency. I think freeing the soul working could do wonders when it comes to most of my issues, however my main problem is that I'm a nurse and work 17 hour night shifts or 24 hour shifts, so i can't keep a consistent schedule for a solid working, i would be able to do short workings, however I'm not sure if there are any. Because of my work schedule i even have skip yoga and proper meditations on some days. However I'm starting to realize that the career or at least the department I'm working in is definitely not suitable for me, but i feel like I'm bad at everything, have no skills or talents, so i have no clue what i could do for a living. I know I'm not stupid and it feels like there's some sort of mental block in my head preventing me from seeing a clear picture or properly take in information due to my 'awake yet sleepwalking' phase, which also began years ago. Anyway, i guess this is all over the place and turned into a venting session, but maybe there are others who can relate to some of my struggles, perhaps have some advice or maybe need to vent as well. After finally breaking through my wall of being just a silent reader, I'm looking forward to communicating and interacting with everyone more, helping out however i can and eventually saving up enough to donate to Hall of Osiris as well
Hail Zeus, and may everyone in our family be forever blessed! ️

 

[AFODO]

Hi, sadly these problems are quite common for girls. Make a 10-20 minute meditation program and try to do these always. A fast cleaning, void meditation, and aura of protection.
You can also do some self hypnosis affirmation when you go to sleep, 5-10 sentence is enough you can affirm these one time or more if you have time. These can be aimed at general health, well being, advancement, progress. Your aop is working, you are getting cleaner, you are healthy mentally spiritually and physically. Etc. Brainwash yourself.