A Womans Body

[Sundara]

Oftentimes when I go into a trance or even throughout the day my body astrally morphs to that of a womans. I physically feel like I have breasts and a vagina. My facial structure changes to a womans face, though a bit longer than my own and long blonde hair appears. (I have short dark hair)

The feeling is euphoric. It feels so much purer to be in that astral womans body than that or my own, though I dont have gender dysphoria nor do I feel like I would want to be in a womans body.

I just happened one day and the astral changing keeps happeneing. What is it and why?

On one hand it can be symbolic to the way you feel and coming into touch with certain qualities of yourself or it can be your guardian or a Goddess invocation, which can even sort of happen unintentionally. I’m very feminine in every way, and overall very straight, and I’ve never thought twice about relating strongly to males and am in touch with my “masculine side” don’t over think it. It has nothing to do with “gender identity” or dysmorphia.

 

[tabby]

On an unrelated note, I like the poem in your signature! I'm glad you found people you can trust.

Oh thanks!

 

[Aquarius]

If gender is in the Soul, then it doesn't seem like I really have one right now.

That's wishful thinking on your part. Your soul does have a gender, but you are confused about it.
I would ask the Gods about surgery if I were you, these aren't things to take lightly, because if you suddenly change your mind after that surgery, then you will be fucked.
Best of luck.

 

[Jack]

If gender is in the Soul, then it doesn't seem like I really have one right now.

That's wishful thinking on your part. Your soul does have a gender, but you are confused about it.
I would ask the Gods about surgery if I were you, these aren't things to take lightly, because if you suddenly change your mind after that surgery, then you will be fucked.
Best of luck.

It's not her fault. It's the fault of her parents and the society as a whole which does not practice Eugenics and let's babies be born in this way ,due to misplaced Christian morality. Not everyone deserves to be born into this world.

 

[Jack]

That's wishful thinking on your part. Your soul does have a gender, but you are confused about it.
I would ask the Gods about surgery if I were you, these aren't things to take lightly, because if you suddenly change your mind after that surgery, then you will be fucked.
Best of luck.

It's not her fault. It's the fault of her parents and the society as a whole which does not practice Eugenics and let's babies be born in this way ,due to misplaced Christian morality. Not everyone deserves to be born into this world.

It's not like my parents knew either, so I don't blame them. In fact, I'm glad that I was born despite feeling out of place. It took a lot of effort, but lately I'm gradually finding a place in this world that makes sense to me and fulfils me. I also intuitively feel like this body accurately represents the issues I was dealing with in my past lives, so it's not like it was just a coincidence or misfortune.

That said, I've thought about it more, and no longer think I really "needed" a body like this, so I don't object to your point anymore. It's true that my karma would've made it difficult for me to reincarnate normally, but if the Gods believed preserving my life was worth the energy, perhaps They would have fixed me one way or another for me and reincarnated me into a normal body; although I would feel bad for not taking responsibility for my issues myself then.

Instead, this kind of body is a bit like a blank slate, giving me the opportunity to work these things out myself and put in the energy (both spiritually and physically) to manifest the kind of change I want in a tangible way myself. I think that's only fair. I would rather just do my best to work through all of this even if it's difficult, than idly blame others for my problems and complain that life is unfair.

The Gods do not make decisions for Human Beings in any capacity whatsoever. Humans who are ascended could be shown the advantage of a specific course of action but in the end Humans create their own problems and they solve it.

The Blank Slate doesn't exist. Even if you managed to physically become whatever you wanted to be through surgery ,the karma will still remain and will not be fixed. Karma is a mental-spiritual (Soul Memory) imprint of the continuous attachment of the Ego (Consciousness) with the other things such as Emotion, Action and Logic. Simply put if you've done something horrible or had a serious limiting belief ,on the karmic or the soul level you still believe that you are that way. The only way to get rid of Karma forever is to raise the Kundalini. I don't know the specific meditation but I can infer that it says that the Yogi shall bask in The Sea of Fire and having been purified of all his Karma ascend to Vishnus Sea of Eternal Calmness. The phrase could be code for the Kundalini rising itself or a different meditation after the rising. Whatever the case ,Advanced yogic arts is the only way. Nothing you do physically will solve the problem. It's like adding more Legos to the already assembled tower in a Lego set.

If you do not burn the Karma, you will be ever more confused in your next life and your physical body is going to be even more deformed. The suffering will continue and can only be fixed spiritually. You cannot accept a part of you which is a fake Spiritual imprint from previous lives.

There is no such thing as accepting both your male and female Gender sides. There is only one Gender side (real) and a fake side masquerading as real. It is this fake side that is projecting physical disabilities in your body. What happened is you've karmically accepted something you are not in some previous life. And that something is projecting you to be born deformed and to push towards something you will never be. It's a problem that's been created that wasn't there before and the pushing to become something you are not will still not work because you aren't that which is on the soul level. It's a circular doom of pain that never ends.

It's a dog chasing its own tail. It's not legitimate and you're chasing an illusion. The correct way to go about it is to identify which parts are fake and to permanently burn them with the kundalini fire. Ofcourse after Kundalini rising one will get aware of things they didn't know about themselves.

 

[Jack]

It's not like my parents knew either, so I don't blame them. In fact, I'm glad that I was born despite feeling out of place. It took a lot of effort, but lately I'm gradually finding a place in this world that makes sense to me and fulfils me. I also intuitively feel like this body accurately represents the issues I was dealing with in my past lives, so it's not like it was just a coincidence or misfortune.

That said, I've thought about it more, and no longer think I really "needed" a body like this, so I don't object to your point anymore. It's true that my karma would've made it difficult for me to reincarnate normally, but if the Gods believed preserving my life was worth the energy, perhaps They would have fixed me one way or another for me and reincarnated me into a normal body; although I would feel bad for not taking responsibility for my issues myself then.

Instead, this kind of body is a bit like a blank slate, giving me the opportunity to work these things out myself and put in the energy (both spiritually and physically) to manifest the kind of change I want in a tangible way myself. I think that's only fair. I would rather just do my best to work through all of this even if it's difficult, than idly blame others for my problems and complain that life is unfair.

The Gods do not make decisions for Human Beings in any capacity whatsoever. Humans who are ascended could be shown the advantage of a specific course of action but in the end Humans create their own problems and they solve it.

I agree, as this is also what my Guardian Demoness explained to me when I asked for Her opinion on what I should do. She made me aware of the advantages of different courses of action, but told me to decide for myself.

The Blank Slate doesn't exist. Even if you managed to physically become whatever you wanted to be through surgery ,the karma will still remain and will not be fixed. Karma is a mental-spiritual (Soul Memory) imprint of the continuous attachment of the Ego (Consciousness) with the other things such as Emotion, Action and Logic. Simply put if you've done something horrible or had a serious limiting belief ,on the karmic or the soul level you still believe that you are that way. The only way to get rid of Karma forever is to raise the Kundalini. I don't know the specific meditation but I can infer that it says that the Yogi shall bask in The Sea of Fire and having been purified of all his Karma ascend to Vishnus Sea of Eternal Calmness. The phrase could be code for the Kundalini rising itself or a different meditation after the rising. Whatever the case ,Advanced yogic arts is the only way. Nothing you do physically will solve the problem. It's like adding more Legos to the already assembled tower in a Lego set.

I had something like a Kundalini awakening experience last year, but it went horribly wrong since I wasn't ready for it in the slightest. I consider myself very fortunate that I was able to heal from the damage at all, and know that I owe my life to the Gods in that regard. Although several siddhis awakened which I'm still able to use to this day, I don't consider myself fully risen, and I'm very reluctant to make further progress with it, since I don't feel ready for it at all.

I've read here on the forums before (after I had that horrible experience) that hang-ups, blockages and generally things that are associated with karma need to be overcome before one raises the Kundalini, lest disaster ensues. Therefore, I strongly distrust your advice that raising my Kundalini should be my focus right now. I'm sure there are safer ways to burn my karma. I will, however, cautiously proceed with yoga like I have been, at the pace I feel comfortable with. Perhaps you meant that in the first place.

I agree that a solely physical solution wouldn't do. I need to overcome these problems on all levels, physical, mental and spiritual.
Only then will it truly be resolved.

There is no such thing as accepting both your male and female Gender sides. There is only one Gender side (real) and a fake side masquerading as real. It is this fake side that is projecting physical disabilities in your body. What happened is you've karmically accepted something you are not in some previous life. And that something is projecting you to be born deformed and to push towards something you will never be. It's a problem that's been created that wasn't there before and the pushing to become something you are not will still not work because you aren't that which is on the soul level. It's a circular doom of pain that never ends.

In my case, both are fake. That's the only conclusion I could reasonably arrive at when I faced my childhood memories after no longer rejecting any part of who I truly am. After coming to understand my true nature better, I realised I would likely have attempted to become male if I had been born into a female body, and I would've been happy about that too. I would've felt out of place either way, since I didn't just reject myself as a man or as a woman, but completely. I said my chart shows that I'm at odds with my masculinity, but "being at odds" is something that goes both ways. I've been at odds with my femininity just as much throughout this life.

Perhaps in the end, gender was something I used as a means to deal with my inner turmoil, and as I strained it so much throughout my lives, it ended up breaking; and then I lamented what I lost, even though it was the result of my own violent struggles.

Perhaps with that, you can understand what I meant when I said I want to become something. I want for my being as a whole to make enough sense that I can never blame my problems on what sex I am again. So even if I broke something, I'll do everything I can to make a proper replacement for it. Creating things takes a lot more work and energy than breaking them, so if I'm gonna do it, then I believe I should at least create it the way that suits me most.

I thought more about what you said about not taking past life memories too seriously, and I realised you're right. While the gist of what I remembered is seen in my chart, the details simply matched projections of whatever was on my mind at the time. As such, I have to admit that I can't even truly recognise anymore what I was supposed to be; all I see is a broken mess and mixture.

Reparation is only possible if you know what something was supposed to be, and I can't tell anymore. That's why I said that my true nature is currently both genders, or neither: because it has become a blend of two broken, incomplete halves. As such, all I can do is create something new to fill that hole. Even if it's fake for now no matter which I choose, it's still the first step to becoming whole again.

Perhaps it'll be easier than I expect, or maybe it will take me several lifetimes to succeed. Either way, I intend to take full responsibility for my issues, and will see it through to the end. What's important is stability, so what I truly need to overcome are the notions that it can be "wrong" for me to be a man or a woman just because it caused problems sometimes. Once I have a consistent gender, I need to stop thinking of it as something that is of use to me, and accept it as an immutable part of who I truly am in my Soul. I should treasure and protect it, until it becomes so ingrained in me that it can never be broken again.

The correct way to go about it is to identify which parts are fake and to permanently burn them with the kundalini fire.

This is something I've been focusing on lately. Rather than letting wishy-washy ideas about gender determine how I should act, I'll drop the act and behave as my true self. Rather than striving towards ideals based only on masculinity or femininity, I'll seek to improve myself in the ways I think are the most sensible and effective regardless of gender stereotypes. The moment I even think of behaving in a disingenuous manner just to meet people's expectations of me, I'll burn that feeling and lash out in the opposite direction.

I appreciate your advice, and will remain diligent in rejecting all that is false about me, and striving further towards personal growth. Even if I see ambiguity in myself and experience confusion, I'll do what it takes to ascertain which parts are true and which are false. That is the only way I can become true and complete, because so long as I entertain illusions about myself, I won't truly be anything.

The conclusions that you have arrived at is false and the reason is that you've accepted the premise that it is possible to have both genders subconsciously. This is called living in denial. It's the sane thing that you said if you were born with female genitals ,you would want to be male. This circular ring of pain will continue into the next life and Nothing will be changed.

There is only either or in respects to gender. It's not even a side but a mental imprint that is too strong that it's influencing the reincarnation process. This happens when one goes through extreme emotions and is forced to create an alternate personality to deal with the pain. Example - if a man if raped by another man ,in order to Psychologically process to pain he could think that he should have been a woman instead and that would be understandable. In the next life that strong mental imprint would force his soul to create a false transgender identity or a serious genetic disorder to physically manifest the desire. But that identity itself is false so no matter how much surgery he goes through he ends up in the same place - confused and suicidal.

It's the exact same thing for you. There is a false identity which needs to be removed. Karma cannot be erased by Tantric Workings. What the tantric workings do is to make it so that the karma does not influence the current life but its still present in the souls imprint (memory) and will influence the next life. What the Kundalini rising will do is give you an opportunity to acknowledge and resolve the previous lives emotional pain that is the basis of the false identity and make it so that it won't influence you again in the next life.

Stereotypes of masculinity and femininity have nothing to do with Genders. GENDER is defined by what your Genitals are and is the same as Sex. It was the Jewish Frankfurt School which came up with the idea of this theory that says that Gender is actually a stereotypical view of what biological sex is and can be different than sex. So if a man acts feminine, he is actually a woman which is ridiculous and delusional. Most of the Transgender youth aren't even suffering from Gender Dysphoria and the False identity. They are just ideologically different because they want to feel special than what they are (worthless losers who have no real value in life . )

A man who puts on lipstick will still be a man and a woman who powerlifts will still be a woman regardless of what the societal stereotypes are. The only black spot is the Genetic diseases which is a Eugenics issue and not a personal life choice issue or a gender issue.

In order to recognize and eliminate the false identity you have to raise the Kundalini and consult the Gods. Nothing short of that will fix the issue.

 

[Henu the Great]

I'll take your advice to heart and make a serious effort to continue raising my Kundalini from now on, even if I'm nervous. I'll just ask my Guardian to guide me and make sure I don't make any dangerous mistakes. Based on what you said, I at least have to do it in this lifetime if I want this shit to finally be over. At this point there are numerous imprints in both directions on my Soul, and the result is only meaningless turmoil.

First of all do not be afraid of the process.

Some advice that can help you in your journey.

Focus on freeing of the soul workings, plentifully. Remove obstacles so you can shine. Also all sorts of cleaning is to be done, the more the better, and purification circle plays a role in this. Aside from cleaning you'd want to unblock and empower chakras through meditation. All the while you master void meditation. The longer you can stay voided, the better.

Once these are on the "master level" your progress with Kundalini should be almost painless, if not completely painless.

 

[Henu the Great]

I'll take your advice to heart and make a serious effort to continue raising my Kundalini from now on, even if I'm nervous. I'll just ask my Guardian to guide me and make sure I don't make any dangerous mistakes. Based on what you said, I at least have to do it in this lifetime if I want this shit to finally be over. At this point there are numerous imprints in both directions on my Soul, and the result is only meaningless turmoil.

First of all do not be afraid of the process.

Some advice that can help you in your journey.

Focus on freeing of the soul workings, plentifully. Remove obstacles so you can shine. Also all sorts of cleaning is to be done, the more the better, and purification circle plays a role in this. Aside from cleaning you'd want to unblock and empower chakras through meditation. All the while you master void meditation. The longer you can stay voided, the better.

Once these are on the "master level" your progress with Kundalini should be almost painless, if not completely painless.

You're right, being afraid would only sabotage the process. I'll use void meditation to let go of my fears.

Cleaning, void meditation and protection have been my primary focus for the past year, as I realised clarity, control and stability are what I need the most if I want to avoid a repeat of what happened last year. But empowerment is something I've been holding back with, as I was afraid of getting overwhelmed and losing control despite my efforts. But looking at it rationally, I should be able to handle it by now, and even if I do start to feel overwhelmed, I can use void meditation to calm down.

I've considered Freeing the Soul workings, but I'm unsure what I'm supposed to free myself of. Since intent is what matters, wouldn't I need to know what obstacle to overcome in order to overcome it successfully? Whenever I notice any obstacle, I just deal with it directly, and whenever I notice an attachment to something negative, I begin to detach from it immediately, programming my aura to block it out. I don't usually see a need to perform a working for such things. Would a working to free myself from "obstacles that prevent the rising of the serpent" work, or is that too generic if I can't imagine what such obstacles might be like?

If you have any suggestions or recommendations for such workings, please let me know.

Well, I would look at what past life things are hanging on that are unneccessarily holding you back. Could be anything, you should know them. On natal chart it could be debilitated or weakened planets or houses by the influence of Neptune and/or Saturn. Or by some fixed star. All of us have these, more or less.

What you mentioned sounds very generic, but it could still work to a degree. However it's best to target specific issue(s).

 

[Henu the Great]

You're right, being afraid would only sabotage the process. I'll use void meditation to let go of my fears.

Cleaning, void meditation and protection have been my primary focus for the past year, as I realised clarity, control and stability are what I need the most if I want to avoid a repeat of what happened last year. But empowerment is something I've been holding back with, as I was afraid of getting overwhelmed and losing control despite my efforts. But looking at it rationally, I should be able to handle it by now, and even if I do start to feel overwhelmed, I can use void meditation to calm down.

I've considered Freeing the Soul workings, but I'm unsure what I'm supposed to free myself of. Since intent is what matters, wouldn't I need to know what obstacle to overcome in order to overcome it successfully? Whenever I notice any obstacle, I just deal with it directly, and whenever I notice an attachment to something negative, I begin to detach from it immediately, programming my aura to block it out. I don't usually see a need to perform a working for such things. Would a working to free myself from "obstacles that prevent the rising of the serpent" work, or is that too generic if I can't imagine what such obstacles might be like?

If you have any suggestions or recommendations for such workings, please let me know.

Well, I would look at what past life things are hanging on that are unneccessarily holding you back. Could be anything, you should know them. On natal chart it could be debilitated or weakened planets or houses by the influence of Neptune and/or Saturn. Or by some fixed star. All of us have these, more or less.

What you mentioned sounds very generic, but it could still work to a degree. However it's best to target specific issue(s).

Thank you for your advice. As I thought, it's best to work with something specific in mind. Thanks to your suggestions, I have some ideas now of what issues I can work on freeing myself from.

*Bows with prayer mudra*

 

[Jack]

...

...

Both of you stated that you believe I'm wrong to think that I'm both sexes on the Soul level. But as I thought, my intuition regarding that was actually correct.

There is a reason why people normally always reincarnate in bodies of the same sex. There is also a way to bypass this if you thoroughly manipulate the reincarnation process, although I wouldn't advise this even if one is capable of it, as there are consequences.

The reason why people reincarnate in bodies of the same sex each life, is that by being born into a physical body of a certain sex and living in it, this becomes a part of who they are on the Soul level. After it has become a part of who they are, during reincarnation they will very heavily gravitate towards a body of the sex they were before.

Then what do you think happens when, through unnatural causes, someone is reincarnated with a body of a sex they weren't before? Those who feel particularly attached to what they were in their previous lives may insist their entire life that they are or are supposed to be the sex opposite of what they physically are, whereas others may make peace with it and accept what they have physically become as what they truly are. But regardless of how they decide to deal with it mentally, it becomes a part of who they are on the Soul level, and suddenly, such people might start to feel out of place and confused about their gender no matter what kind of body they reincarnate into next, as in their Soul they are now partially both.

I've always been quick to blame problems caused by others on myself, and that includes problems due to sexism. That's because this gives me the relieving sensation that I'm in control, and that I can do something to improve the situation. This kind of thinking led me to attempt to escape the discrimination and trauma I faced in my past lives as my birth sex by pretending to be the other sex instead, for example by crossdressing as a man or a woman. That didn't work very well during the middle ages and often led to my demise, which further reinforced karma related to accepting or expressing my gender, no matter which it is; although I've come a long way in overcoming that already by now.

Aside from this, in some lifetimes I would also (or "instead", if I realised how dangerous it was to crossdress near xians) use psychic abilities to do things that affected the reincarnation process to such an extent that I would be born as the other sex again in the next life, whether I was aware of reincarnation or not. In some cases, this may have been a consequence of escapism I enacted astrally, which I took way too far.

That's why I felt an attachment to being male, as well as an attachment to being female, as I've been both before due to my actions, and also why I ended up reincarnating into a body that is physically slightly in-between; yet, felt a lot of fear about properly expressing myself as either. This lifetime, as usual, I blamed the sexism I faced on what sex I was perceived as, and when I became depressed, I blamed that on what I am. This caused me to mostly let go of my attachment to being male, and cling to my attachment to being female instead. That's why the part of my body that is still male feels so wrong to me now, and why the lack of female parts there is so deeply unsettling; but the latter was already the case to begin with ever since I was born.

Since I was little, I felt like I was missing something important. I've realised now that regardless of what sex I was born as, that would've been "the genitalia I don't (physically) have", as both are a part of who I am due to my past lives. Now that I've let go of my attachment to being male as I rejected it so strongly while growing up, all that is missing are the female parts. That's why I won't lament the loss of male genitalia, and why having surgery would greatly alleviate the unsettling feeling I had since I was little that I'm missing something, as it will partially give me what I lacked. Even if it's "incomplete" in the sense that I can't actually use it to create life yet, I'm sure it'll be a huge relief for me anyway.

Does that sound unbelievable? Rather than asking you why you find that unbelievable, I actually think it's good if you cling to the notion that people are always born as the same sex in each life, as it protects you from the extent of gender confusion and related turmoil I went through. As for me, I have to accept what I did, so that I can learn from it and move on from the mess I created, in the most positive way for me. I can't afford to live in denial of reality, or ignore my Guardian's advice if I want to deal with this properly, even if that means to admit that I broke the "rules" and suffered for it.

I now know precisely what I need to free myself from in order to prevent yet another repeat of this in future lifetimes; that matters more than whether or not you believe the truth about what I am.

None of this is true. The reason why everyone gets born into the same sex is because Sex and Gender is in the Soul. The only reason why someone is born deformed is because they've been heavily traumatized and that trauma through emotional projection is causing epigenetic changes in development of the baby. Meaning some part of the deformities are of the Will to Change of the Trauma.

The race of Human beings do not have functional Hermaphrodite beings and the souls. Any and all Hermaphrodites are Genetically diseased and need to be removed for Eugenics purposes as all the Ancient Religions like Spartans practiced.

There are Two Genders, Two Sexes and everything else is False.

 

[tabby]

...

...

Both of you stated that you believe I'm wrong to think that I'm both sexes on the Soul level. But as I thought, my intuition regarding that was actually correct.

There is a reason why people normally always reincarnate in bodies of the same sex. There is also a way to bypass this if you thoroughly manipulate the reincarnation process, although I wouldn't advise this even if one is capable of it, as there are consequences.

The reason why people reincarnate in bodies of the same sex each life, is that by being born into a physical body of a certain sex and living in it, this becomes a part of who they are on the Soul level. After it has become a part of who they are, during reincarnation they will very heavily gravitate towards a body of the sex they were before.

Then what do you think happens when, through unnatural causes, someone is reincarnated with a body of a sex they weren't before? Those who feel particularly attached to what they were in their previous lives may insist their entire life that they are or are supposed to be the sex opposite of what they physically are, whereas others may make peace with it and accept what they have physically become as what they truly are. But regardless of how they decide to deal with it mentally, it becomes a part of who they are on the Soul level, and suddenly, such people might start to feel out of place and confused about their gender no matter what kind of body they reincarnate into next, as in their Soul they are now partially both.

I've always been quick to blame problems caused by others on myself, and that includes problems due to sexism. That's because this gives me the relieving sensation that I'm in control, and that I can do something to improve the situation. This kind of thinking led me to attempt to escape the discrimination and trauma I faced in my past lives as my birth sex by pretending to be the other sex instead, for example by crossdressing as a man or a woman. That didn't work very well during the middle ages and often led to my demise, which further reinforced karma related to accepting or expressing my gender, no matter which it is; although I've come a long way in overcoming that already by now.

Aside from this, in some lifetimes I would also (or "instead", if I realised how dangerous it was to crossdress near xians) use psychic abilities to do things that affected the reincarnation process to such an extent that I would be born as the other sex again in the next life, whether I was aware of reincarnation or not. In some cases, this may have been a consequence of escapism I enacted astrally, which I took way too far.

That's why I felt an attachment to being male, as well as an attachment to being female, as I've been both before due to my actions, and also why I ended up reincarnating into a body that is physically slightly in-between; yet, felt a lot of fear about properly expressing myself as either. This lifetime, as usual, I blamed the sexism I faced on what sex I was perceived as, and when I became depressed, I blamed that on what I am. This caused me to mostly let go of my attachment to being male, and cling to my attachment to being female instead. That's why the part of my body that is still male feels so wrong to me now, and why the lack of female parts there is so deeply unsettling; but the latter was already the case to begin with ever since I was born.

Since I was little, I felt like I was missing something important. I've realised now that regardless of what sex I was born as, that would've been "the genitalia I don't (physically) have", as both are a part of who I am due to my past lives. Now that I've let go of my attachment to being male as I rejected it so strongly while growing up, all that is missing are the female parts. That's why I won't lament the loss of male genitalia, and why having surgery would greatly alleviate the unsettling feeling I had since I was little that I'm missing something, as it will partially give me what I lacked. Even if it's "incomplete" in the sense that I can't actually use it to create life yet, I'm sure it'll be a huge relief for me anyway.

Does that sound unbelievable? Rather than asking you why you find that unbelievable, I actually think it's good if you cling to the notion that people are always born as the same sex in each life, as it protects you from the extent of gender confusion and related turmoil I went through. As for me, I have to accept what I did, so that I can learn from it and move on from the mess I created, in the most positive way for me. I can't afford to live in denial of reality, or ignore my Guardian's advice if I want to deal with this properly, even if that means to admit that I broke the "rules" and suffered for it.

I now know precisely what I need to free myself from in order to prevent yet another repeat of this in future lifetimes; that matters more than whether or not you believe the truth about what I am.

The enemy has waged war on both the masculine and feminine, males and females for many years. The more confused and uncertain one is the more easily it is to control and manipulate them. The more one is out of harmony with themselves, the easier it is to be destroyed from the inside out or become lost.

You've said previously that you denied being male because of how people treated you as a child when you expressed as male compared to expressing as female. It sounds like for you success in life equaled becoming female - regardless of anything else. I wouldn't recommend going into surgery or making any critical changes to yourself magically or otherwise involving becoming a woman, until you've delved further into whether being female is indeed what your soul is or if it stems from this childhood trauma and maybe even curses. Settling for feeling you are both sexes on the soul level and deciding to change yourself physically through surgery to become female sounds counter-intuitive, because either way you go, no matter who's right or wrong, either direction is leading to possible issues worse than what you're currently dealing with.

Say it is true that you are both sexes on the soul level, altering your body to become female will result in becoming out of alignment with your soul. If it's true you are female, surgery will result in becoming more aligned, but being wrong, and your soul is actually male, will put you out of alignment. Either way, it's a 33% chance of getting it right without messing yourself up, and that's not including the aftermath of how the surgery goes in your healing process.

Given that you are still trying to explain this to others, talk about it, your thoughts and views and repeating yourself, I'd say your subconscious is trying to tell that you haven't quite gotten the answers your soul is seeking for you to move on and let go and be completely certain of yourself yet. I'd recommend the same as what Henu suggested, if you have some free space Samhain would be great for freeing the soul workings. (Side note: breathing in Aether energy has helped me in sorting through my own energies and anchor myself in a way that's a little different from earth energy whenever I'm doing "what is me?" focused meditations). When this confusion is cleared, then make the next steps that are most appropriate for you, whatever that may be and you'll know with certainty that you'll be ok.

Going further into this obsession without going deeper into yourself than you have already, I can't say I'm not worried because right now after reading through everything you've written, it's more like escapism from the trauma of being male than actually dealing with the issue at hand. Underneath it all, you haven't found a solid answer to the question of "Why me?"/"How did I end up in a body like this?" - This doesn't sound like something that's going to be solved in just a month of comments back and forth attempting to explain something and theorize on a topic that few other than I'd say maybe the HP, and the Gods have the spiritual knowledge to really help you with. We can give our thoughts and advice all day based on limited knowledge about the soul inevitably resulting in probably just more confusion and frustration, and you can keep attempting to explain and give your side of things, but the HP and the Gods would be the people to look to for help on this rather than continuing to push this topic for anyone on both sides of the coin.

What we know is that it's male soul to male body, female soul to female body - and the soul has a masculine half and feminine half (not to be confused with the actual sex of the soul, these are the energies that make it up). But since your body is mixed, this needs more experienced hands to obtain certain facts rather than relying on intuition, the past/astral attempts, and knowledge that doesn't quite help the situation.

 

[tabby]

Sorry, I didn't mean to worry you. To be honest, I was having so much fun overthinking things to the point of absurdity and ranting about it that I couldn't stop myself...

I've always believed that people's gender is their physical sex. So even though I felt like I was supposed to be female since I was little, and this notion was reinforced by negative experiences as a boy in my childhood, I think that surely having been born with a body that is mostly male and living with it has affected who I am even deep down as a person. If I wasn't male before, then I am (to an extent) now, because that is simply (physical) reality. I'm a very literal-minded person, so that's how I think, even if it makes other, easily observable truths, nearly incomprehensible.

It's not like I want to be both sexes. But I do think that I wanted to in my past lives, albeit not both simultaneously, as it was entirely within my nature to try to change my sex regardless of whether I'm male or female, as long as my circumstances are bad enough. It's also in my nature to go as far as to recklessly manipulate the process of reincarnation in an attempt to manifest such things, and be met with unforeseen consequences and side effects somewhere down the road. But I want to get rid of the mentality that I should change to such an extent just to adapt to my circumstances. I understand now that I didn't have it so bad because I was a man or a woman, but because the enemy sought to make all of humanity suffer, and was unfortunately rather successful in that for many centuries.

Due to my belief that sex and gender are one and the same, I firmly believe it's incorrect to say that someone like me, who physically has a dick, isn't male. But I also know that I'm really supposed to be only female, even after letting go of all the trauma. How am I supposed to make sense of that? It feels like a contradiction, but I still know with absolute certainty that both are true. Certainly others would perceive it as a contradiction too, right? So they would tell me one or the other is wrong, but aren't they wrong instead? So I rant about my incoherent, conflicting feelings, but that doesn't make things any clearer either.

I at least know what course of action will realistically make me the happiest, even on the long term, thanks to my Guardian's advice. Should I just give up on trying to explain it then? I like to get to the bottom of things, but sometimes that just leads to me overthinking all the details and losing sight of what matters. If it's even making you worry as well, then I feel kind of bad.

I worry because you are still expressing a lot of confusion, yet are moving down a path with a certainty that you want to be a woman. All I can ask is how can you be certain about something irreversible when you are this confused? Surgery and hormones may give you the relief and comfort that you seek physically, but it will not give you answers and it's these unanswerable questions that fuel your confusion, overthinking, and have you running in circles leading nowhere.

If you take the go-ahead when you still are asking for answers to the how's and why's like this, they will stay with you even after surgery and it will be worse. Your body will be closer to how you want it but the questions will remain and haunt your thoughts. Confusion like that after such a choice can drive one into insanity. You need information and data of the spiritual so you can better understand yourself. That's why there's not much point doing the who's right and who's wrong thing, because none of us know the answers truly.

 

[Jack]

...

None of this is true. The reason why everyone gets born into the same sex is because Sex and Gender is in the Soul. The only reason why someone is born deformed is because they've been heavily traumatized and that trauma through emotional projection is causing epigenetic changes in development of the baby. Meaning some part of the deformities are of the Will to Change of the Trauma.

The race of Human beings do not have functional Hermaphrodite beings and the souls. Any and all Hermaphrodites are Genetically diseased and need to be removed for Eugenics purposes as all the Ancient Religions like Spartans practiced.

There are Two Genders, Two Sexes and everything else is False.

Sex and gender are indeed in the Soul. Perhaps you should consider how a Soul is first born, and how it ties in with the physical development of a fetus. Then you might understand where gender comes from.

Incarnating into this body with ambiguous chromosomes isn't without consequences for my Soul or gender. Conversely, I reincarnated into this body because it reflected what my Soul had already become in the past. When I mentioned being both sexes, I did not mean that I was always this way or that it is natural for me or that I find preferable. I meant that it is the consequence of having physically been both sexes due to unnatural causes, which, due to the way the development of the physical sex ties in with the development of gender in the Soul, means that I have (at least partially) developed two genders.

I'm not advocating for hermaphroditism or saying it is healthy. If anything, I want to return to just being female. In my opinion, being both just causes confusion and health problems. I find it bothersome and needlessly frustrating.

It's not the other way around. The soul first projected its will for the epigenetic changes to happen. Physical changes do not happen without a spiritual trigger.

 

[Voice of Enki [SG]]

...

Meteor, I've finally taken the time to read this topic, and have another perspective to give on this, which I hope can give you a new direction to explore in your thinking, and allow you to cut through this confusion.

First I'd like to comment on my conclusion on Gender. Personally, I believe there are in fact only 2 genders that people can be born into, I reject the notion of the twin soul or the third gender.

I believe this is a corruption and not a reality, something born from a misunderstanding and a Jewish corruption on the process of merging the male and female elixers in the soul when one undergoes the process to awaken the Godhead.

Second, I also believe that ones sex is decided based on ones gender (which is determined on the soul level), and the primary genitalia one has physically are the indicator of which gender one has, it is the physical manifestation of ones gender.

Then third, I would like to say that I believe any surgery to change your physical form drastically in order to suit ones ideal perception of the self, is a terrible mistake and I would even go as far as to call it a crime against the self if the change is too major. In my opinion, someone who undergoes gender reassignment surgery, is no different from the person who wants their leg surgically removed because they do not feel comfortable having two legs (these people exist, and often also have other desires such as to remove their genitalia as well, due to terrible mental illness stemming from past life trauma or confusion).

Please do note, I am not putting you on the same level as those sorts of people. There are levels on this mental confusion and illness, that range from minor to those who are too far gone to have any prospects of healing or balancing this.

All that being said, one has to ask themselves; "What does my gender mean to me?"

"What does being born a man while having an unusually feminine body, feminine behavioral expression, etc, mean to me?" "How come, as a man, I am not like other men?"

While I believe there are indeed only 2 genders, I also believe the expression of either gender can have a wide range, where the middle line overlaps with there being women who are more masculine in their expression, behaviors and inclinations than certain men, and visa-versa.

Being a man, does not mean one has to be the masculine kind of person. I do believe excessive feminine expression in men is mostly caused by xianity and other misunderstandings, corrosions and illness resulting from jewish corruptions and damages done to society and people, but this is not the case for all men.

If one is born a man, regardless of other dispositions in the person, it is important to foremost accept and understand the simple fact that ones gender is male, and from there one needs to find, "What kind of man am I?" Instead of "Am I really a man?".

Even if you, on the spiritual level have a very feminine soul, that doesn't mean you have been born into the wrong body, it means you are simply not the average kind of man, you may even be a huge outlier among men and lean more to a feminine side than a masculine one.

Since there are born millions of people everyday, and there exist billions of souls on this Earth, there are bound to be unique cases and outliers among our people.

You likely are one of them. When I look at your energy, I do sense strong femininity, however I see at the core of your being, you are still male, just different from the majority of men.

You also consider yourself broken to a degree, but I do not think that is the case. Rather than fix your being, you need to fix your warped understanding of your being, and realize better what you really are and what this means for you, rather than believe strongly that you are meant to be something else than that you are in the present, or believe somehow there is something fundamentally wrong with your being.

Once you have accepted your present self, you can grow from there and continue to work on your soul without any confusion or false perceptions, and continue becoming your true self. What this true self is will become apparent to you after you have understood that your present being is the present you, and why your present being is as it is.

There are things you need to fix on your being to reach the essence of your true self, but there is nothing fundamentally broken about your being, you simply feel as if it is because you have rejected your own being for most of your life because of the circumstances you lived in, your upbringing and karmic dross from past lives.

Even now you still reject your self and what you really are.

Clear these things up and any confusion on what you are, or who you are, also clears away.

I also do not believe you need to go through multiple reincarnations to come to understand this, you can fix this easily within a few years or a decade at most.

It begins with understanding that fundamentally there is no error in your being, neither physical nor spiritual, the error lies in your understanding of your self, as your self does not conform with the common accepted parameters that society attributes to people, you are an outlier among men, but that itself can be something extraordinary, especially when you understand that and grow from there into the direction that is natural for you, rather than what you believe based on your current confused understanding is best for you.

Perhaps something that can help you in the moment, is to take a moment to appreciate yourself in the present, even if you dislike your present self because of your perceptions about your self at this time.

Look in the mirror at yourself and observe the fundamental aspects of your being, touch your body and feel yourself, then feel the connection between your physical and higher being (your astral body, your soul), appreciate what you are now, and ask yourself why you are dissatisfied with who you are.

You do not have to answer that question right away, but ponder on it, and dive into your being, examine your being until you reach the fundamental essence of your true self, and feel this essence well up within you, let it clear away your misunderstandings of your own being.

While you do this, close of all your thoughts, silence your mind, so your current thoughts do not influence your true perception.

It works best after you have cleaned your soul and body, perhaps clean your soul then take a shower (or do both simultaneously), during and after the shower begin that process of self examination. First physically, then deeper into your being.

Ask your guardian to guide you on this.

You should enter a trance during this process, and probably will have the urge to lie down, just do as your body commands and follow your instincts while you dive deeper within your being and find within you a representation of your true being, the essence of your being, and the purest manifestation of self that exist within you.

If you touch upon that part of you, your confusion will disappear, and your image as to who you are will be clear.

One final thing to remember, botched solutions lead only to botched conclusions. True realization comes from within, and the true solution is also found within you, within your being.

If there are things inadequate or wrong about your physical manifestation, your body, these can be fixed by your own power at a later date after you have advanced, and likely you will find the things you wish to change at this moment will no longer be of bother to you at that later time when you have reached greater spiritual accomplishment.

Understanding your true essence, your true self, can help one on the path to the Godhead, as reaching the Godhead also allows one to manifest this true self in full on all levels. If one doesn't know their own true self, how could they ascend to a higher state of being?

If one is confused, how could they reach perfection? And how could botched methods brought into this world by jews help one become their true self?

The answers to the questions, doubts and confusions you have, are all within your being, you just need to open up to them and find what you already have within.

Hail Satan!

 

[Voice of Enki [SG]]

...

I have to tell you straight up. If you make such a self damaging decision, you will only perpetuate this corruption and will never escape it.

You will never become a god either, because you will never heal yourself from this dross.

Sex reassignment is a thing invented by jews as a botched solution to people who have gender confusion for various reasons, much of it resulting from xianity during the Middle Ages.

The jew creates the problem, and then gives the "solution", which in reality solves nothing and only serves to further this corruption both on a personal level and a societal level.

As a dedicated Spiritual Satanist, you cannot go and perpetuate this corruption just because you have some issues on a personal level regarding gender confusion.

I advice you to follow my advice, even if you do not like it, or feel like avoiding it because it is too confronting for you to handle.

You are running away from your issue and believe you should take what you perceive as the easy way out.

"If I get surgery, everything will be fine, I'll be happy, all my problems will be solved! Surely!"

Yeah, not going to happen.

You will delude yourself into thinking it makes you happy, denying yourself till the end of your life, and remain stuck in this same cycle perpetually forever.

You will live a life lying to yourself and forever chained by your karmic dross, this is not something I want to see happen to any dedicated SS.

Therefore I felt the need to tell you this straight.

Your Guardian also doesn't want this to happen.

Actually try to sit down and speak with your Guardian, as she has things to show you and tell you that you haven't been opening up to.

You've been letting your own thoughts influence your perception on what she has to say to you as well. Actually meditate on her and listen to her for once, because she wants to help you with this, but you haven't let anyone help you with this because the prospect scares you.

Get over this block one way or another, but do not perpetuate it and make it worse, that is the most ridiculous thing you can do.

 

[Voice of Enki [SG]]

...

I do not act on pointless things. I tell you this because I care, and because I see what you are doing to yourself.

It is fine if you do not understand, I do not expect you to understand, in the end it is your decision, I simply see to it that you do not succumb to your own delusion and inner weakness.

I know with absolute certainty you will fail on this path if you go through with your decision.

Take that as you will.

I say that not in an attempt to convince you, but to return to you reason which you have discarded.

 

[Voice of Enki [SG]]

Life is greater than to let yourself succumb to such psychological issues, or even to let yourself drown under them.

You make life much too difficult for yourself by allowing this to feel so complicated.

I understand you have great trauma about this, I can see that.

The key here is to overcome that trauma, rather than let it shape you. You have chosen the latter, to let your karmic dross rule over you, this doesn't lead anywhere in life, regardless what it is about.

As a Spiritual Satanist there are so many ways to solve this, how many have you tried?

You have the most powerful allies who know you better than anyone in the entire Galaxy, yet you disregard everything because you tunnel your vision only on your limited scope of experience, and willfully remain deaf to all the possibilities and answers that exist which would prevent you from suffering from this confusion and pain forever.

Why would one with such opportunity subject themselves to this? Why purposefully limit your destiny, and cut of your path?

You think you are opening a new path for yourself, that this will lead to the answers you seek, or that this is the answer.

I tell you that it is not.

You will achieve a vain happiness, but at the cost of a lifetime of advancement, perhaps longer as the karmic dross would not be removed, but instead only cement itself deeper within you, becoming more difficult to remove.

It may permanently cut you off from your path to the Godhead forever.

You may not understand why I care, or why I tell you this. If your vision was as broad as mine, you'd understand the anguish it brings me to see an SS go down a path like that.

 

[tabby]

You have a point that arguing about these things on the internet isn't going to do any good.

But you know, even I can let go of things if I have to. I know it doesn't seem like it right now; but it's when I'm uneasy that I overthink things so much. And when I focus on this topic, it makes me uneasy. It's really just a vicious cycle of pointless doubt and confusion.

Before I started writing about this topic so much, I could go days or even weeks not worrying about it or feeling confused at all. Everyone around me thinks of me as a woman, and I would have sex astrally with my fiancé... I would generally just go about my life, without even stopping to think that I haven't physically resolved the discrepancy yet, since it hardly ever came to my attention. It just felt so right, and so peaceful. But when I feel like having sex in a more straightforward manner (physically), or I just want to wear certain clothing that doesn't fit well, or I start to wonder what I even really am... It hurts, and it starts to eat away at my sanity.

So long as I feel like something's wrong, I'll continue to seek the answers to those unanswerable questions. But when it doesn't feel like anything is wrong, rather than lamenting that I lack something to obsess over, I'll be glad and at peace. Following that logic, and all the clues about how my mind works, and using that to deduce how having this kind of surgery would affect me mentally, it's rather clear to me that the outcome is far beyond anything anyone here could possibly expect from such a seemingly crude solution.

Perhaps it's only when I've already let go that I'll truly be ready to understand the answers. In that case, I should just let go already. Refraining from obsessing over things I can't truly know isn't ignorance; it's having my priorities straight. So I should set them straight.

I know, believe me when I say I've felt and seen it. You can try convince yourself and everyone around you that you're happy and will be at peace after this choice... but you're not. You're screaming underneath regardless of what you display on the surface to everyone. The hurt you're in just mentally and emotionally from all this, is severely outweighing whatever discomfort is happening physically with your body, and this is over blowing how much discomfort you're realistically in. When one is in pain, yes, they can absolutely delude themselves to thinking they're happy and they can delude themselves to enjoy things that are not natural to them - I've seen it again and again, and I have gone through it myself. It's like a drug, a delusional euphoria that people sink their teeth into and suck on it helplessly because they can't face the truth of themselves, their actions, or the reality around them with their situation. Facing it is so excruciating to them that they believe their own lie to the point of being unable to feel the difference between what's real and not even with their own emotions and feelings, and only when they finally breathe again (if they ever get to that point) do they realise they were drowning the whole time. It takes someone with incredible strength to get out of that state alone, and I've only seen it happen once in my life time, the others needed outside help to wake up.

Emotions and feelings are real, that's why people think "but I felt this, I can't fake my emotions" - and that's true, emotions can't be faked, but the belief and intention they're connected to will determine if they're aligned with reality. A person can be tortured to feel and remember things that never happened to them, and their emotions react to what they've been brainwashed with. But can one manipulate their own emotions and alter their own memory? Yes, and it all depends on what beliefs are in their head. Belief is a powerful thing, and it can lead you to your own destruction if directed wrongly. The enemy knows this well and they use it all the time to twist gentiles into their own ruin. Xianity is a perfect example.

I know pain and what it can do to people, I feel other's pain as if it's my own and have practiced long before coming to JoS in controlling that ability so it doesn't consume me. You are the most pained soul I've met so far in my current life, and that's saying something given the people I've met. Your obsession is not becoming female because you believe that's what you're supposed to be - it's ridding yourself of this pain by any means necessary using a procedure that will bury that pain not heal it since it isn't a physical thing. That is what's happening underneath these words of declarative action of this path. You've become invested in a certain outcome... pain + obsessive investment can only equal disaster, Meteor. It's a good thing you continued to talk, try explain things and argue, because you've revealed within your own words the answers you've been seeking.

I don't think you can admit it to yourself and see your own words for what you've really said because of how far in you've already gone into becoming female. VoE was brave enough to say it before I could, and very well said. What I saw in your pain had me in shock, I couldn't figure out how to say it. So instead of my words, look at your own. You have said what you already knew deep down inside yourself.

Your soul isn't female, neither mixed. You're a male who went through some shit trauma, and came into this life intersex, gay, and developed more trauma from how other's treated you as a man. Honestly, I didn't want to be right. The amount of pain I felt from you had me in tears, and adding to that was something I'd hoped could be avoided, that you were really female at the soul and not have to face this. JoS saved me from my insanity. Let us save you from yours.

The pain you'll face now is the pain of reality from living under a lie too long. Please do not give into the mentality of "well I've gone this far, may as well go all the way, and be satisfied in fulfilling my desires" - do not do it, because that is stupid. Because of this new pain, you've become defensive (again) against VoE just as you did a month ago when the guys were speaking of eugenics. You haven't overcome your trauma, you still can't face it nor the idea that the choices you've made to rid yourself of it was the wrong choice. You still have that childhood trauma of when people treated you differently because of being male and your mind actively seeks out that bias against males in others arguments against you, even where there is none.

We're not against you or disgusted by you. As VoE said, the last thing I want to see is an SS drown themselves, and we are trying hard to help you because we can see now that there is much more to this than your body being intersex. I've taken a few different stances since this topic began. First separating you from the trannie community to get your mind clear of their madness, then challenging your thinking about yourself to push you in a positive direction so you could heal and think more deeply about why you think the way you do on this. Based on everything even yourself has said and the patterns of your psychology, this is my final stance on it using what you've told us to show you that you were trying to reveal the answers to yourself the entire time but you weren't even listening to your own mind.

The questions couldn't be answered because you didn't want to answer them. You already knew and couldn't face it.

"if I go through with my intentions, then it's only a matter of time before I can feel this way even without covering up any part of myself."
"I know it will solve my confusion about my gender in that it will cause me to consider myself female without any further doubt." - these line below stands out.

Seeing into the spiritual is not enough for you, you want physical and visual sight of being a woman in order to truly believe and feel that that is what you really are. There's still a part of you saying the opposite of your choice, otherwise you wouldn't be saying this. That should already tell you that you aren't making the right choice, and definitely not for the right reasons. At first I thought it was because your genitalia were messed up and provided little function because of being underdeveloped, and you wanted to have what you were meant to be born with, reaching out to professionals to determine if you can express as a woman in society. But as you continued, your words say otherwise.

This is a choice based on fear and unhealthy obsession. What are you most afraid of?

...

I got over my fear of looking in the mirror earlier this year. I still remember it so clearly. Back then, I was still struggling a lot with my self-esteem, and I would always distrust others when they complimented me, assuming that they must be looking at me wrong somehow. But after doing some introspection, I felt like I wanted to face myself even if it was scary, so I looked at my bare reflection before taking a shower. Suddenly I was able to see clearly for myself how incredibly beautiful I really look if I let go of my hang-ups about not being completely female. Then, I covered my genitalia with my hand, and I looked like a woman. I started crying with relief, as it felt like something deep inside me was healed just from that sight. And then I thought to myself, "if I go through with my intentions, then it's only a matter of time before I can feel this way even without covering up any part of myself."

You also mentioned exploring my instincts, but that's a large part of what actually got me into this situation. Ever since puberty started, I've instinctively really liked being penetrated. And I would act on that during masturbation, but it always bothered me that it's unclean... Even if I cleaned it beforehand, that was also a lot of work, and if I had a bowel movement, it would become unclean anyway. I thought it was just something negative and bothersome that I have to accept and deal with again each time. It was annoying, but I still considered it worth it, as only focusing on my genitalia didn't fulfil my need for penetration and left me deeply dissatisfied.

I think it's when I was 14 years old that I started fantasizing about being female in a sexual context and having vaginal sex. I suppose it just seemed so straightforward in comparison to what I had to put up with? The thought of having such a convenient hole for sex that's so easy to keep clean... I suppose it really appealed to me, and I became a bit obsessed with that idea. But it was just a fantasy for many years, since I couldn't really act on it physically.

Shortly after I started meditating and dedicated two years ago, I asked my Guardian for guidance with these issues. I asked Her: "Why am I so afraid of being seen as male?" After which I recalled a traumatic experience, presumably from 3 lifetimes ago, that ended with me wishing (as I was dying) that I had been born a girl. After I woke up from the trance, I thought to myself: "The church has lost its power. Nobody where I live nowadays would want to kill me just for being a gay or effeminate guy." Since then I'm no longer terrified of what other people think of me, and my social anxiety vanished.

I started to wonder if I really even need to be female then, so I started to think about what I would do differently if I identified as a guy. The answer I came to was "nothing". I would even still want to have surgery, as anal sex didn't turn me on anymore lately. It just felt too gross for me to enjoy it after all, which led to me being mostly asexual for years other than giving my partner blowjobs occasionally to keep him happy. Getting turned on just made me feel frustrated and trapped in my body as I wanted to be on the receiving end of vaginal sex which wasn't physically possible, so I tried to avoid sexual thoughts altogether. I thought that perhaps if I had surgery, I would finally be able to enjoy sex again, even if I identified as a guy. After all, at that point, fantasizing about vaginal sex was one of the only things that turned me on anymore.

I thought it was rather odd for my sexual preferences to be that way if my body is physically like this, so I entered a trance to try to understand my sexual instincts. I could tell that I have a very strong need to be penetrated, and that I'm not very interested in penetrating (if anything, the latter would make me too envious of my partner to enjoy it). I couldn't really figure out why though, so I asked my Guardian if She could help me understand why my sexual instincts are the way they are. Then, although it was only for a few seconds and didn't seem to be meant in a sexual way but rather just to demonstrate, I physically felt my vagina being touched, as if She meant to say: "It's because your (etheric) body is like that."

That doesn't really answer the question of why it's like that. Maybe it's because I shapeshifted astrally in a past life? Maybe it's because I fantasized about it so much over the years? Maybe I was female in a past lifetime? But rather than obsessing over such details, I realised how desperately I wanted more.

...
I think you underestimate the quality of the method of surgery I intend to go with, but on the other hand, I realise I might be fucked in the head for happily overlooking all the gruesome aspects of it and only focusing on the practical benefits. I know it will solve my confusion about my gender in that it will cause me to consider myself female without any further doubt, but I know you probably find it horrifying that I would consider clearing my doubts the same as clearing my confusion, without any regard for what I may have been in the past. Even so, even if it bothers you, I know that nobody will ever be able to take it away from me anymore after I've gone through with it, no matter how they might try to downplay what I have or insult me based on superstition, rumours and assumptions about what such surgeries are supposed to end up like. That's why my mind is already made up.
...

...
Differences, especially things you would personally be incompatible with, are often perceived as dross. I don't blame you for finding my sexual preferences disgusting, although I recently realised the irony in that. It's because I'm male that it's disgusting, right?
...

...
Even if I have to dismantle and reasemble nature itself in order to fulfil my wish, I will.

I do understand why you care. I just want to stay true to what I've carefully deduced is best. I'm very sorry if I offended you in any way.

 

[tabby]

...

...

It's kind of funny, actually. I thought I might be harassed here on the forums if people thought of me as female, so I deliberately put on an act for the first few months after I joined to try to come across as male, and only dropped it and revealed what I consider myself to be after I concluded that women are respected here too. But in hindsight, maybe there wasn't a need to put on an act at all, if that's how my Soul looks to the three of you anyway. For some reason, my fiancé thinks I look completely female astrally though, which is also what I feel physically during astral sex. Perhaps people just see what they want to see, or what makes the most sense to them?

That said, I do have to agree that I've also often believed myself to be male, despite my intentions and preferences; even one of the therapists I spoke with was hesitant about diagnosing me, since I seemed to her more like a male that wanted to be female than someone who was naturally that way inside. And going by what I remember, I was male in all of my lives after all, apart from one.

As for that one lifetime, if I even remember it correctly, perhaps it was due to what happened in the lifetime before that, or perhaps my accumulated efforts in other lifetimes, but either way, I reincarnated into a female body. And I remember that I felt so incredibly weak, and powerless, and violated, and humiliated. Perhaps that's when I realised, somewhere in my higher consciousness, that by becoming female, I had only made myself even more vulnerable to abuse than I was before. So I desperately wished to become a man again, so that I'd have the strength to kill them all, rip their flesh apart with my bare hands, and crush their skulls.

I don't remember anything about the lifetime after that, which would be the one before this one; but I do realise by now that no matter how many people I were to kill, it would never fulfil me, and only make the void inside me grow deeper. If being female meant to be helplessly abused, and being male meant to murder endlessly, then I had no idea what I was supposed to be anymore. Having loosened the screws on my blueprint so that I can control this aspect of my reincarnation, but having no idea what I even want to be, is it really even a surprise that I ended up in a body that's genetically slightly in-between?

Stories like that are rather inconsequential, as it's not like they can be physically confirmed anyway. Even if I asked for a sign, I could just manifest one myself, so that'd be meaningless too. But I felt like sharing it anyway, since it rings so very true with the inexplicable feelings that feel like as though they've been buried deep inside of my being since before I was born.

When I was little, I never lost a fight. Despite my lack of visible muscle, my punches sent kids who were taller than me flying away several meters. Oh, how I loved beating up bullies. After all, if they believe it's good to pick on the weak, then surely it's perfectly fine with them if I punch them for the pathetic weaklings they themselves are, right? Aren't they just asking for it, really, if that's their logic? Hahahaha. I suppose at least my wish to be strong came true. And now I have a strong partner who can protect me too if needed.

Anyway, I'll stop ranting and address the points you brought up.

The Gods aren't heading here just so that we can sit around helplessly doing nothing and wait to be saved. We are to save ourselves, and that also involves working on improving our lives and prospering materially. I'm not going to wait for someone's prophecy to come true when there's a practical, realistic and certain way to make progress towards my dream right here on Earth. But I suppose I did hear my Guardian's voice clearly in my mind when I asked Her about it: "If you still need our help by the time we arrive, we'll help you."

Sometimes I feel as though She's worried about me, and I suppose that makes sense. The surgery is very intensive, and it takes a long time to recover from it, and I would be rather vulnerable during that time, both physically and otherwise. She said to me that if this is really what I want, then She will watch over me during my recovery... but I feel bad to rely on Her when it's my own reckless decision, so I've done workings to ensure it'll all go well, and intend to put more in place before I go through with it, just for good measure.

There would also be extensive damage to my Soul, but it's nothing I can't repair. Breaking and repairing myself is just one of the many ways available to me to transform my being into something that suits me better, and I have faith that even if I accidentally damage the sacred "blueprint" that leads to Godhood, I can manage to repair it and make it possible to succeed regardless, especially with divine guidance. But if I put it like that, I think you guys might be right that I have discarded reason. I really might be insane after all. But I have been for a very long time, truly. If you really wanted to save me, maybe you should've reached out to me a few centuries ago? Although even then, the situation was already so bleak that there was nothing that could be done.

That said, it's nothing that would make me misaligned with the rest of my being though; rather the contrary. After all, I already did that, right? Perhaps not consciously, but definitely intentionally. How else could I be able to experience things astrally the way I do, and why do you think my dick physically feels like it's inside out? Clearly, I must've already performed "surgery" on my Soul a long time ago, and despite the fulfilment I got out of it, it's already causing problems. My male genitalia became unusable, and it feels as though the discrepancy between my bodies is generating a dissonance that holds me back in my spiritual growth. So really, having physical surgery is just the next step to make things align again, so that I can resonate more strongly and progress further. Isn't that crazy?
It sounds really fucking insane to me, but I also know that it is, in fact, true. And the truth is all that matters when it comes down to it. That's right... the ends justify the means.

This entire mess could surely have been prevented. Then, why am I so glad that it wasn't? I often think to myself: "What a time to be alive, that something like this is even possible." Forcing myself into a situation where it seems as though changing what I am on every level of existence is the only sane and viable solution, is really what I wanted all along, isn't it? After all, how else could I ever have the unyielding determination needed to make sure that I'll eventually succeed in fulfilling a dream that is called "impossible"?

I've been walking a narrow path, and now, I'm right in the middle. I can hear all of you yelling at me to turn back since it's dangerous. But I know that if I changed my mind now, all of my determination would slip away, and I would slip and fall into the abyss as I falter, lost forever as I would be too lost and broken to have the will to live anymore, let alone ever achieve Godhood.

The only way for me to survive this, is to keep facing forward and keep walking slowly and steadily, careful not to lose my balance. Whenever I find a shortcut along the way, I should and must take it, as the sooner I'll make it to the other side, the sooner I'll be safe.

I'm sorry that I made Tabby cry by being like this. I suppose I cry too sometimes, although it's usually about a bunch of nonsense like feeling like it's unfair that I have to go through so much just to have sex the way I want to when half the people are born female to begin with, or about the surgery date being so far away still due to the schedule being tight. I think it's nonsensical to cry about such things, since I should really be happy that I get to do these things at all; that there is a way for me to make my dream come true at all. As for her, she cried because it got to the point where I want these things at all, right?

I won't turn back or stop moving forward. All I can really promise is that I'll be careful not to fall, despite the circumstances.

I naively thought that perhaps in a few years, I could just let everyone know how well it went, and then everyone who genuinely worried about me would surely feel relieved. But now, I think that people would probably still feel sour about what I put myself through, even if it really does make me happier, and solves the issues with energetic dissonance so that I can empower myself more effectively. It would be foolish to expect anyone to cheer me on, or even be happy for me, under these circumstances.

But lately I'm making peace with it. I can be happy for myself. My partner and my parents can be happy for me. Perhaps even my Guardian will be happy for me too, if I really do make it through all of this safely.
But the first one out of those... Being happy for myself. I think that's the one that truly matters the most after all. And I am, and will be.

Hail Satan!

A note on experiencing orgasm and sex as the opposite gender on the astral. It is entirely possible to experience the opposite genders sexual experiences astrally regardless of soul gender. I speak from experience.

To aid in figuring out a couple of my own personal issues relating to sex and womanhood, I astral projected to my temple and imagined myself as a male form and a female form, and made love to myself from the perspective of the male. This was to provide a safe place for me to overcome some inner sexual trauma's. And indeed, I experienced a male orgasm astrally as if it was a physical experience, and followed by my female orgasm in my physical body.

My soul is female, as is my body. So for you experiencing sex as a woman astrally despite having a male soul, is not a factor that you are meant to be female.

 

[Voice of Enki [SG]]

...

Meteor. Stop denying your self. Stop lying to yourself.

It is idiotic, the extend to which you go to in order to warp your view of reality to justify your delusion.

You need to get up and face reality. Stop living in your own stupid little fantasy world. It is sad and pathetic to see.

You've hurt yourself enough Meteor. Enough is enough. If you cannot stop yourself, I don't mind forcing you to get up and facing reality if that is what it takes.

You may not realize exactly what it means due to the state of mind you are in, but people here have actual powers and abilities, not only to see truth from falsehood, but also to reach out to other tangibly from anywhere at anytime.

We can see things astrally when we want to. I looked into you astrally, and decided to step in.

Come back here and read what we have said to you again after voiding your mind for however long it takes until it is completely quiet.

You've neglected even the most basic thing for months already, if not over a year. You've let your mind run amok uncontested and let it completely control you.

Absolutely foolish. As an SS the first thing everyone is to do, is to control their own mind through Void meditation to prevent situations like this from arising.

Delusions, confusion, errors in judgement, excessive anxiety or depression, etc are all quelled through Void meditation, the most basic of all things that every beginner learns right away after joining the JoS.

Stop neglecting the teachings of the Joy of Satan and teach yourself to function as a human being again, instead of treating yourself like a pathetic and useless broken rag.

Don't you dare still try to wallow in weakness after everything that has been said to you and done for you.

You have a duty to yourself, to the Gods and to your family to put yourself back together by facing reality and getting out of this self created swamp of weakness.

Get up and face reality Meteor.

 

[The Outlaw Torn]

Meteor should just post a picture of their junk so that this Male or Female debate is settled once and for all. Let’s not act like I’m the only one that really wants to see it.

I’m only half joking :lol:

It sounds like you’re just a gay outwardly effeminate twink dude that likes being penetrated you said that yourself.

I understand your aversion to Anal as someone who has been on both ends it is definitely more complicated, unclean, and possibly painful/damaging compared to vaginal, but the desire is still there and it sounds like astral sex has helped a lot with this.

Also one more thing, do you have a prostate? This is instrumental to being male and I don’t think you ever said before though there are so many pages I can’t digest it all.

 

[Aquarius]

Meteor should just post a picture of their junk so that this Male or Female debate is settled once and for all. Let’s not act like I’m the only one that really wants to see it.

I’m only half joking :lol:

It sounds like you’re just a gay outwardly effeminate twink dude that likes being penetrated you said that yourself.

I understand your aversion to Anal as someone who has been on both ends it is definitely more complicated, unclean, and possibly painful/damaging compared to vaginal, but the desire is still there and it sounds like astral sex has helped a lot with this.

Also one more thing, do you have a prostate? This is instrumental to being male and I don’t think you ever said before though there are so many pages I can’t digest it all.

Best reply ever.
:lol:

 

[tabby]

...

Even if you try to sabotage me psyschically, it's meaningless. Don't you realise that you're not the only one with abilities, and that I already expected you to do something like this and took measures against it in advance? It's not the first time someone tried to control my mind or brainwash me or do weird things to my Chakras, and I'm not naive or a weakling anymore. I have several ways to deal with precisely this sort of harassment. It's far from the first time, and I'm sure it won't be the last.

That said, I won't underestimate you. I'll take your warning and disengage from this place for some time.

Your criticisms are rather ironic, considering void meditation has been one of my biggest focuses the past year.

No one is trying to sabotage you except yourself. We are sensing you using our abilities, not altering you spiritually. That would be a violation. I can’t help but notice that you take a lot of what we say to mean things we do not, and it’s a little frustrating, because then you fling these poor assumptions back in defensive passive aggression that leads you in circles.

You can pretend and put on acts, but you cannot hide what your soul is. You already know you’re male, and your physical body is mostly male despite your intersex and alterations with hormones. So no, you will not be incarnating into a body that is female in future life times no matter what you do to yourself because you are not female. That is something you are going to have to accept lest you want to damn yourself through needlessly pushing this obsession.

You and I are not so different when it comes to obsessions. You hook into something and it’s like candy to a child. You can’t stop no matter the costs because it is like an uncontrollable hunger, a need to see its end. You become blind to all else because all you can see is the perceived result, and it steam rolls into a monster that poisons you from the inside. You think of nothing else, only about devouring it whole as it devours you and your life.

One obsession I had as a teen lead me straight into the arms of a cult. I was a young idiot fuelled by an intense desire I couldn’t let go of, and the cult a deranged bunch of crazies that brought me to the edge of nearly killing myself through brainwashing. It was maddening and I wanted to die, tortured by an entity they attached to me and brainwashed me to accept. If I could fight tooth and nail to kill that thing, and gain control of my own mind and body, heal from my mistakes and damage - you can as well, but you are not fighting. You’re drowning, willingly.

This level of obsession is a sickness that ruins you, and you are doing exactly what it wants.

I know the satisfaction of getting what you want from obsessions. Let me tell you right now, it is a hollow, selfish, bullshit satisfaction that costs more than the outcome its worth. You either work hard to get it under control or your obsessions are going to destroy you from the inside out.

You think you’ll be happy, just like a hippie thinks he’s happy from smoking weed. But your soul is going to continue screaming, breaking from the pain you’re causing yourself. Do you honestly believe the ends justify the means, if it means your soul suffers for life because of a reckless, irrational obsession? You have the opportunity to undo everything you’ve done to yourself and be truly happy inside and out but you’re choosing destructive self gratifying and temporary physical happiness over it. You say you’re aware of it, but you are not changing anything. Admitting to being insane and continuing to stay insane, is like a slave admitting they’re a slave but refusing to fight their enslavers. You’re a slave to your own obsession.

You’re afraid to be abandoned and rejected, and I have a suspicion that this fear is fuelling a good portion of your recklessness. Who are you really doing this for? Because if you really wanted to be happy, you would get control of yourself, end your own insanity and make a healthy adult decision to heal properly for yourself without caring if anyone in your life is going to be unhappy that you’re not actually a woman with a woman’s body.

 

[Ol argedco luciftias]

I don't want you to tell me the answer because it's none of my business. But ask this question to yourself. Do you have balls, or do you have ovaries? Nobody has both.

 

[The Outlaw Torn]

I don't want you to tell me the answer because it's none of my business. But ask this question to yourself. Do you have balls, or do you have ovaries? Nobody has both.

And are those balls functional and producing sperm.

 

[tabby]

You’re afraid to be abandoned and rejected, and I have a suspicion that this fear is fuelling a good portion of your recklessness. Who are you really doing this for? Because if you really wanted to be happy, you would get control of yourself, end your own insanity and make a healthy adult decision to heal properly for yourself without caring if anyone in your life is going to be unhappy that you’re not actually a woman with a woman’s body.

Before I go, I'd like to confirm that your suspicion is correct.

My fiancé thought of me as a woman ever since he met me, and for some reason, nothing I said to him or showed him ever changed his mind. I'm sure that even if he were to fuck me in the ass and stroke my dick, he would just look at my face and my breasts and listen to my voice, and think to himself: "Yep, this person is a woman." That's just how he thinks, for some reason, although I don't understand it personally.

Seriously, I really don't understand how he can think like that. After all, women don't have a penis, they have a vagina, therefore I'm a man, not a woman, right? But I don't want him to think that. Although he said that he loves me for who I am, I know he really prefers women, and that he wouldn't have fallen in love with me if he didn't see me as such. So when we have sex astrally and our minds synchronise, rather than standing my ground and asserting that I'm male because I physically have a dick, I think of myself as a woman so that we are in agreement. I can tell his belief about what I am gives him comfort, and I don't want to confuse him. He puts on a front, saying he would love me even if I'm "male" because I would still be me, but in actuality, he can only say that because he doesn't even take the idea of me being male seriously. What he really means is: "I'll still find you attractive even if you call yourself male, because you're still you, in other words, a woman."

When I was 16 years old, I had my first sexual encounter, but it was extremely awkward. I was in bed with the guy I liked and said I wanted him to have anal sex with me, but he declined, saying he wanted to save his virginity for someone with a vagina, since he thought having anal sex for his first time might fuck up his own sexual development. He stroked my dick for a few minutes, but I found it very boring and remained flaccid, so he asked if I wanted him to stop and I said yes. Then he suggested maybe I could try giving him a blowjob instead, so I had a look at his dick, but I noticed it was way bigger than any I'd ever seen before and I got startled, and I also didn't see how that would feel good for me, so I declined. Then we got out of bed and played a fighting game on his PlayStation, which was fun. But after I went home, I started to think: "So it's because I don't have a vagina that he won't have sex with me."

When I was 17 years old, I met a rather flirtatious man on the internet. He considered me a friend and wanted to help me over my gender dysphoria, and he managed to talk me into doing sexual things for him that he thought might help me with that. He would encourage me to engage thoroughly with my dick as well as my prostate, and called me "good boy" in an attempt to condition me and make me appreciate my male anatomy. I developed feelings for him, but no matter how many times I would come on to him, he would always reject me and insist that he can't romantically love a man, and that he only loves me as his friend. I'd request him to call me a girl rather than a boy, but he would always decline, saying he doesn't want to reinforce my confusion about my gender. Yet despite his efforts, there was one time he slipped out that if I was biologically female, he would put me in a cage and keep me for life, as he finds my personality the most attractive he's ever seen. Rather than being put off by his possessiveness, I thought: "So it's because I don't have a vagina that he won't love me."

When I go through with this surgery, and prove to myself that I'm female by looking at my genitalia in the mirror, I'll think: "So my partner was right, I really am a woman. There's nothing to feel insecure about." And my partner would say: "See? You were a woman all along. You only felt confused and insecure because your body wasn't right for you. I'm glad you feel more comfortable with yourself now; that's what really matters." And I would believe him and shed tears of relief, knowing that I found a place to belong in this world.

Is my fear of abandonment and rejection not completely justified, considering everyone I ever fell in love with prefers women? Even in my chart it's emphasised how important it is for me to be in a loving and secure relationship. I can't handle everything alone; let alone achieve Godhood. That's why this is the most viable way forward for me. As long as I have him by my side, I have the strength to accomplish anything.

As for VoiceofEnki, I advise you don't take this as an invitation to interfere with my engagement. You will get seriously hurt if you try, without accomplishing anything, as I've already accounted for everything. I don't have anything against you, I'm just letting you know what might happen if you keep doing reckless things. I'll be leaving the forums for a few years now as intended, to make it harder for you to connect to me or manipulate me. Thank you for caring, but forceful methods like yours are truly an unwelcome favour.

If you spend the rest of your life pleasing others and running away from the truth in order to avoid what you’re afraid of and avoid being alone, you will drown, and there will be no fixing yourself. There will be no happiness, Godhead or healing for you, and you will manifest exactly what you’re afraid of. You will fall into the abyss, damaged beyond repair, and sink into nothingness while you live the rest of your life trapped permanently in a lie.

There are men who love men, men who love women, and men who love both. Letting yourself be paralysed from poor match ups, settling for men who don’t love men, and using that and your intersex condition to justify choosing to delve deeper into insanity, confusion, and destroy yourself to satisfy their preferences and your out-of-control obsession, is really fucking stupid.

If you can’t face your fears and put your health and advancement before the petty selfish crap of others who clearly are not in communication with the Gods and would rather see you ruin yourself to fulfil their own needs, while you willingly let yourself be ruined out of fear - how can you walk the path of an SS when you are behaving and thinking exactly the opposite of one?

What you will gain from this surgery is lies and more lies that you will not come back from. You are a male parading as a “woman” to satisfy someone who doesn’t even love a fundamental part of your being because they are a heterosexual man.

You said once you believed truly that you and your fiancé were perfect for each other, and yet in your own words, they can’t even love who you are because they’d rather love an illusion than you. You choose to continue appeasing someone else’s selfish delusions and inability to own up to what they truly want and need instead of pulling yourself up, facing your own fears, and advancing properly. How insane are you to continue willingly allowing someone you care about to live in and satisfy their delusions at your expense? This isn’t some simple negotiation to find a balance between personal differences, this is full on body alteration to be something you are not and can’t be no matter how many times you choose knives and stitches over basic reality, harm yourself on a soul level, for someone else’s lies and your own.

The irony that you want somewhere to finally belong and not cover up any part of yourself, when you are rejecting truth, rejecting yourself, and running away from the one place that can give you that without forcing you to conform to delusions through unhealthy body alteration and madness. You don’t belong somewhere by twisting your arms, breaking your legs, and cutting off your head to squeeze into a mould that doesn’t fit.

This level of stupid is not becoming of an advancing SS, and one doesn’t need to be a long-timer to recognise that. It’s little to wonder working on void meditation all year isn’t helping you. You should know better by now than to actively feed lies and self destruction. You are aware of it completely, and you do nothing.

I’m not sugar coating this because frankly, you need a hard push back into reality. You are an idiot and behaving as a slave. It is your fucking body, soul and well being that you’re about to destroy for a life of lies.

I have work and RTR’s to focus on today, so this is my last comment to you because I’ve lost my patience with this merry-go-round. If you’re participating, think about what that really actually means. To choose truth over lies, knowledge over ignorance, freedom over fear, and advancement over temporary morphine. You can fight the enemies and drive your hateful blade into them with all your passion but you won't fight back against your own self created monsters and fears that you allow to bind you and devour you alive.

The price of not fighting back is not worth paying no matter how much morphine you take to convince yourself otherwise. Nothing is more painful than a lie, it only feels “good and right” to be consumed by them because of the morphine making you unable to feel how corroded you have become from them, and eventually it corrodes you to the point of no return that the morphine can’t even hide it anymore. The lies bleed into your life until you’re left choking on them, gasping for breath, and you fall unendingly into that abyss. There is no excuse or justification to damage ones body, soul, and self for deluded happiness.

That is where you are heading if you don’t stop yourself and get this nonsense under control.

 

[Voice of Enki [SG]]

...

Why do you even want to be a woman? To get fucked in an imaginary or artificial vagina that you will never have?

You don't even understand anything about femininity or womanhood. All you are worried for is your strange fetish and obsession of wanting to be fucked in a hole you weren't born with.

Did you stop to think that this is not only insane, but also disrespectful to all woman as well? That in your mind, your only actual reason to want to be one is to be fucked, nothing else? As if that is all there is to being a woman? As if that is all that would be different if one were a woman?

You'd be happy when you get fucked in a flesh hole artificially carved out in the void of space your testicles used to occupy?

That is just as dysfunctional as wanting to be fucked in your eye socket.

You still haven't taken any of the simple advice we gave you btw.

When are you going to do your void meditation to quell and master your mind?

When are you going to trance to understand and face your true self?

When are you going to unblock your sacral chakra that is shriveled up like a dried sponge?

When are you going to start living as a Spiritual Satanist?

 

[NinRick]

...

Hmm... I didn’t have the balls to tell you this straight, as I do not want to hurt the feelings of people who I like, but I also feel like that you will do more harm than good if you try to chase your dream.
I do think that once you raise your serpent, you will perceive everything very differently than you do it now, and I also do not know if it is possible to raise the Serpent at all if you stay on this path.

I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings by this. At the end of the day, everything is your decision, it is your life, you choose how to life it and how you want your future to look like. This is just what I feel and think, and if more people think like this and tell you this, they do not do it to purpose to harm you, but to prevent you to be even more hurt afterwards.

But then again, it is your own life and own decision, and nobody should be trying to force you to do something you do not want.

Meteor should just post a picture of their junk so that this Male or Female debate is settled once and for all. Let’s not act like I’m the only one that really wants to see it.

I’m only half joking :lol:

It sounds like you’re just a gay outwardly effeminate twink dude that likes being penetrated you said that yourself.

I understand your aversion to Anal as someone who has been on both ends it is definitely more complicated, unclean, and possibly painful/damaging compared to vaginal, but the desire is still there and it sounds like astral sex has helped a lot with this.

Also one more thing, do you have a prostate? This is instrumental to being male and I don’t think you ever said before though there are so many pages I can’t digest it all.

Not quite appropriate.
Btw are you GG Alin?

 

[NinRick]

...

Why do you even want to be a woman? To get fucked in an imaginary or artificial vagina that you will never have?

You don't even understand anything about femininity or womanhood. All you are worried for is your strange fetish and obsession of wanting to be fucked in a hole you weren't born with.

Did you stop to think that this is not only insane, but also disrespectful to all woman as well? That in your mind, your only actual reason to want to be one is to be fucked, nothing else? As if that is all there is to being a woman? As if that is all that would be different if one were a woman?

You'd be happy when you get fucked in a flesh hole artificially carved out in the void of space your testicles used to occupy?

That is just as dysfunctional as wanting to be fucked in your eye socket.

You still haven't taken any of the simple advice we gave you btw.

When are you going to do your void meditation to quell and master your mind?

When are you going to trance to understand and face your true self?

When are you going to unblock your sacral chakra that is shriveled up like a dried sponge?

When are you going to start living as a Spiritual Satanist?

What they want is to attain true woman and motherhood, which is not possible at all, and will simply hurt and harm them to the very core.

It is not truly possible, it is a desperate attempt, which will result in disaster, deep down they know it, but they are not able to let fully go of their desire, that’s why they still want to do it.

 

[NinRick]

...

Why do you even want to be a woman? To get fucked in an imaginary or artificial vagina that you will never have?

You don't even understand anything about femininity or womanhood. All you are worried for is your strange fetish and obsession of wanting to be fucked in a hole you weren't born with.

Did you stop to think that this is not only insane, but also disrespectful to all woman as well? That in your mind, your only actual reason to want to be one is to be fucked, nothing else? As if that is all there is to being a woman? As if that is all that would be different if one were a woman?

You'd be happy when you get fucked in a flesh hole artificially carved out in the void of space your testicles used to occupy?

That is just as dysfunctional as wanting to be fucked in your eye socket.

You still haven't taken any of the simple advice we gave you btw.

When are you going to do your void meditation to quell and master your mind?

When are you going to trance to understand and face your true self?

When are you going to unblock your sacral chakra that is shriveled up like a dried sponge?

When are you going to start living as a Spiritual Satanist?

There is no logical thinking involved.

Just like you would sacrifice your very existence for Satan, Astarte or the Demons, if needed, which other normal people would never understand.

Just like Meteor would risk their existence to attain their unattainable goal, which we can not understand.

Nobody could really stop you to sacrifice yourself for Satan, just as it is the case with meteor where nobody will come through as well.

There is no logic. It is pure emotion.

I am not trying to make sense of it or defend them, it is just how I perceive it.

It is definitely toxic to the core and will lead to their devastating downfall, and they will regret it 100%, if they go down the road. However, Satanism is also about free will. I know this will piss you off big time, as you hate seeing them going down this road.
If you are able to open their eyes and stop their course, this would be great.

 

[NinRick]

...

If you knew that this course you are heading would destroy you and do devastating damage, would you still follow your desires?

 

[NinRick]

...

Just so you know, after a certain point is reached, there is no going back, and if you willingly jump into personal and permanent disaster, nobody will be able to save you, not even the Gods.

You have the chance now to get out this vicious cycle of suffering, once and for all, instead of going deeper and deeper into it, until there awaits you nothing but sorrow and disaster.

You know yourself what you have to do, and deep down you know that this is not quite right.

If you still want to go down that road, you are willingly jumping into disaster, and nobody will be able to stop you.

It is hard to give up on your strongest and deepest desire, eventho it is wrong. It is not wrong to desire things, altho it is very wrong and also unnatural to destroy yourself. Satanism is about natural laws, and one main instinct is that of maintainance and survival.

Just know, if you do the right decision right now, then yes you will suffer now, but this suffering will be only temporary, where as the suffering where you are heading will be eternal, just like you have suffered for so many lifetimes.

You have to chance to change everything, into a happy and strong future, as you are very strong right now,
Or you destroy everything you have built up so far and run into disaster.

The Gods has the Power to force you into not doing it, they will not force you, as they respect free will, however, they will make it very clear to you that this is not the right path. If you are still going against the Gods will, which is what is best for you, it is your own decision. If I could I would force you into not doing it, but I can not.

No matter what you do you will suffer. But you get to choose to face reality and grow with it, and go into a happy future, or choose to end everything. It is really up to you.
I do hope my words got through to you and you consider them.

In short, you will never be able to attain Motherhood and become a mother.

 

[Voice of Enki [SG]]

What they want is to attain true woman and motherhood, which is not possible at all, and will simply hurt and harm them to the very core.

It is not truly possible, it is a desperate attempt, which will result in disaster, deep down they know it, but they are not able to let fully go of their desire, that’s why they still want to do it.

I disagree, I do not see a person that wants to attain true womanhood here, or motherhood.

Because they fail to even nurture themselves, how could anyone that fails even that understand motherhood or womanhood in any form?

They do not seek womanhood, they seek to deceive themselves until the end because facing reality is difficult to them, and self deception will give one a vain sense of happiness for a time while you remain willfully ignorant of the painful facts that one tries to escape from.

Of course, reality comes around to put you back in place after a short while, crushing the person and their delusions underfoot, but if one remains ignorant to the end by completely falling into delusion and living this delusion in all aspects of life, one will only feel that crushing all consuming pain in ones final moment as the soul dies forever.

Before that time, even though in reality one will be depressed and broken deep inside, just like a person high on drugs, the deluded person will trick themselves through blissful ignorance that indeed they are very happy and accomplished in life.

Unfortunately, this always ends in destruction.


As for the questions I "asked", they are purely rhetorical, to give perspective to the idiocy of the thoughts and ideas for the person themselves.

 

[Voice of Enki [SG]]

There is no logical thinking involved.

Just like you would sacrifice your very existence for Satan, Astarte or the Demons, if needed, which other normal people would never understand.

Just like Meteor would risk their existence to attain their unattainable goal, which we can not understand.

Nobody could really stop you to sacrifice yourself for Satan, just as it is the case with meteor where nobody will come through as well.

There is no logic. It is pure emotion.

I am not trying to make sense of it or defend them, it is just how I perceive it.

It is definitely toxic to the core and will lead to their devastating downfall, and they will regret it 100%, if they go down the road. However, Satanism is also about free will. I know this will piss you off big time, as you hate seeing them going down this road.
If you are able to open their eyes and stop their course, this would be great.

The main difference here is the value of the thing one sacrifices for, and the value that sacrifice brings.

People may not understand such a thing, but the person themselves should.

Even for me, I certainly would not hesitate to sacrifice for the Gods in times where it is needed, but I of course would not do so in vain, I would not do it mindlessly, because my own existence brings far greater value of I continue to exist and grow, therefore the gain from the sacrifice would have to outweigh the loss of future growth.

The Gods even themselves do not want SS to sacrifice themselves totally, as indeed the loss of growth is often greater in the long term than what a momentary sacrifice can bring.

This is more complex than just a simple equation though, sacrifice is a significant event in ones existence.

To sacrifice for something so worthless as what meteor is planning on doing, which in their mind is not a sacrifice at all because they feel as though it will purely gain them something of immense value (which is not the case, it will in fact cost them something invaluable), is pure insanity.

As for whether people could get through to me, in fact they can, because I am a conscious being that considers deeply all aspects of a choice and here this choice leads to.

I look at deeply as I can to the future potentials a decision can bring and where a decision can lead, I do not decide on things lightly or with a limited view, and certainly not from a low ego perspective, but as high of a perspective I am able to reach.

If I plan on something and a wise person tells me to reconsider this, I listen to them, and perhaps I find I had not thought things through properly so I reconsider after taking good advice.

This has happened a few times in my life, especially with my GD's and a few good SS brothers and sisters helping me out at times.

On the other hand, there are many wiser, smarter and more powerful beings trying to advice and help meteor, yet they close themselves of because they wish to remain ignorant of truth since the truth weighs heavily on them.

This pain they wish to avoid at all cost, even at cost of their existence, but they do not understand how heavy existence really is which is why they can make such a foolish assessment of value of themselves and the consequence of their choice.

I wish for them to realize the error they are making before they reach the point of no return, because I have seen where this leads to in many people, therefore even if they do not listen, I still continue to tell them what they need to understand.

Even if it doesn't help them, then later I can show this to other people going through the same after it is apparent where rejecting good advice has lead Meteor, so other people may avoid this same fate.

There are more reasons why I decided to step in than just for meteors own sake.

 

[Jack]

 

[The Outlaw Torn]

Not quite appropriate.
Btw are you GG Alin?

No I’m me. GG Allin is some weird punk rock guy that’s been dead for a long time now.

 

[NinRick]

...

I fully understand you and agree with you 666%
You are protective and caring for your fellow Satanists, I appreciate that!

 

[tabby]

You said once you believed truly that you and your fiancé were perfect for each other, and yet in your own words, they can’t even love who you are because they’d rather love an illusion than you. You choose to continue appeasing someone else’s selfish delusions and inability to own up to what they truly want and need instead of pulling yourself up, facing your own fears, and advancing properly. How insane are you to continue willingly allowing someone you care about to live in and satisfy their delusions at your expense? This isn’t some simple negotiation to find a balance between personal differences, this is full on body alteration to be something you are not and can’t be no matter how many times you choose knives and stitches over basic reality, harm yourself on a soul level, for someone else’s lies and your own.

Don't you see that it takes two to play a game? For me - who already wanted to change from the bottom of my heart - the person who already sees in me what I want to become, and considers this his ideal kind of woman, is truly a perfect match. I'm enjoying all of this as much as he is, perhaps even more. Can you even begin to imagine how it feels for me to read his mind, in which I am what I always wanted to be, despite my own insecurities about not having fully transformed yet? Truly, our compatibility is already astounding, and it only increases the more I fulfil my own wish to change. There's no better partner for the twisted self I am.

You should realise from your own words and feelings just how many people would be pleased if I were more obedient and just stayed a boy like I was born, bottling up all the sorrow until I couldn't take it anymore, only to disappoint them anyway when I inevitably don't live up to their expectations. This madness is my own selfish defiance. Once I further change my genetics even on the Soul level, and fix them up to remove the intersex conditions, your little criticisms will be completely futile. Can you imagine that? XX chromosomes, a healthy internal and external female reproductive system, a mother... but secretly a man, who hardly even remembers that himself? Even if it's true, who's going to believe you?

I have work and RTR’s to focus on today, so this is my last comment to you because I’ve lost my patience with this merry-go-round. If you’re participating, think about what that really actually means. To choose truth over lies, knowledge over ignorance, freedom over fear, and advancement over temporary morphine. You can fight the enemies and drive your hateful blade into them with all your passion but you won't fight back against your own self created monsters and fears that you allow to bind you and devour you alive.

I choose perserverance over resignation, diligently seek hidden knowledge in order to manifest my ideals, find freedom by becoming someone who's immune to the things I once feared, and delight ecstatically in my advancement. I'm sure you can tell by now how much I love to destroy the things I dislike; of course I'm participating, and I did the rituals for the schedule early today since I was particularly in the mood for it. Jrvan keeps insisting that I'm possessed, but he should really face by now that I am the monster he sees. That he thinks the innocent, proud little Meteor he knows could never truly want something like this, is simply his own misconception about me. The past six years have been an unending string of Meteor's deeply-held wishes come true, no matter how impossible he thought they were; a streak of success against all odds that has only made me even greedier. I'll devour and digest and vomit myself back up as much as I like, until I'm fully satisfied with what I've turned into. There's no reason why I shouldn't be allowed to delight in fighting against the enemies I despise so much at the same time.

Anyway, I logged back on because I wanted to make it clear that I'm only leaving temporarily because I felt violated by VoE's attempt at controlling me with his psychic abilities rather than words, and nothing else. I actually rather like it here, but I draw the line there.

...

Why would I want to be feminine? I just want to be female. I think women should just be however they like, and do what they want. There's nothing wrong with that, and I find your insistence on gender stereotypes far more disrespectful to men and women alike.
I certainly do love sex, but I only spend 1% of my time having it. If you think I don't have so many more ambitions besides this, then you're wrong. There's also no reason why a woman can't be ambitious too even if she enjoys having sex, as you should know.

As for why, there's dozens of reasons, which I've already related extensively in this thread. There's no point in discussing it any more.

Enjoying... while your soul screams. The way one enjoys poisoning their bodies with excessive alcohol consumption at the expense of their vital organs. You delude each other, him fueling your crazy obsession because he wants a woman not a man and that plays straight into your fears of rejection and abandonment that developed from this exact reoccurring karma pattern in the first place that you refuse to deal with. You obsessively want to alter yourself to nothing because you can't face the reality that you can't be what heterosexual men want, instead of literally just finding a man who will actually love you as you are instead of your insanity. Neither of you want to face the truth and you satisfy each other's absurd mentality. You are exactly what the enemy creates, and I'm rather pissed you played as if you had a legit reason to need that damn surgery. Your intersex problem is practically irrelevant at this point, and I'm starting to wonder if the importance of fixing that is as delusional as your obsession since you have all the parts of male genitalia with XY chromosomes, a male soul, and the only thing really screwed up to be "female" are your breasts that you mentioned going through hormone therapy to get. You are nearly 100% male physically and spiritually, but want to be female because you got rejected for being male.

"A Womans Body"... a strange and fitting title for how this thread has become. Imagine... a world where there are people who have become so insane from enemy lies and propaganda, that reality is but a myth, and animals gorge on their minds as they still breathe. Where men are made to lust over the illusions of sirens who were once men themselves, dragged to the depths to be devoured by their lies. And these men, no longer human, but willing lab experiments of the enemy's murky pool happily sing and wade the waters, as the true women are forced to watch their men descend into the darkness with a sickened and twisted smile on their faces from the shores. A world where these sirens have complete access to knowledge, magick, and meditations gifted by the Gods designed to awaken ones power and advance beyond lowly existence and the never ending torment of the enemy, but instead use it to feed their haunting creature that neither satisfies their bellies nor their thirst.

What makes you think you can defy reality and be what real women are naturally born as in flesh and soul? You see this impossibility like some sick challenge, screaming "I'll show you all! I will be what I wish and you can't stop me! And I will laugh at you all who said it was impossible when I come out on the other side as I desired!" You sound like a child having a temper tantrum as their parent confiscates their play box because they puked it in. You choose this self ruin the way an obese person chooses fattening themselves to death with junk food. You want this and can't stop needing it like a drug addict wanting heroin. What would you even do if tomorrow you were told straight up by the Gods that you cannot achieve this desire? Are you going to defy even the Gods to get your way?

My sex is already being reduced to "menstruating persons" - not even called women, because the crazies get too "offended" from us calling ourselves what we are. The enemy cursed our wombs and made us hate our periods. What more are you going to take from the real natural born women under their insanity... rob us of our gift of giving life as well through artificially created wombs? You have no idea what it means to be a woman, and your fake rip-off will be nothing compared to us who were created from the love of their parents bond as Father designed us to be. Insane people like you rob us of our role with our men. VoE is absolutely right about how fucking insulting that is.

What are you here for other than to satisfy your insanity by inappropriately using meditations and magick to aid your self destruction? You don't want to follow truth and at this point I don't think you even care to, because truth is against your desires and wishes and therefore you reject it.

 

[Henu the Great]

A fitting song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_B0uXwLCTg

 

[Lunar Dance 666]

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I have something VERY important to add here that you may not have read at all or dismissed.

First off. Men and Women do NOT change gender. NEVER. This was already written a long time ago. Just like a human cannot be reincarnated as an animal an insect or a plant !!!!
This fact should be found on the website or in the library.

Secondly, in the old forums there was someone who did change "gender" and said that they regretted it sorely because of severe issues with the base / sacral chakra that they could not or hardly could fix.

Thirdly. Self-mutilation ?! Are you fucking crazy?!?!?!
HOW MUCH DO YOU HATE YOURSELF TO DO THAT?!

Have some dignity and OWN who you are and what your body is, for once. Be proud of yourself.