I'm 17 and I live in a roman catholic xian family. (My parents are intelligent people and it hurts to see how helplessly they cling to xianity…)
They think in a quite modern way: they aren't forcing me to attend to the mess. They never told me anything like „don't masturbate“ or anything such which I'm glad for. They have their own ideas about certain things for which they'd have been labeled as heretics but they're essentially xians and they adhere to it.
I went to a xian elementary school and now I'm in a xian (rom.cath) grammar school (UK) / high school (US).
I'm not like the rest: I don't fit in and won't do anything just to be accepted by people… I was always different in a way and that gave the others a reason to ostracize me. I was never mean to them on the contrary I was (still am) kind and peaceloving. I only got into a fight once in my life so long.
Many hate me for how I am - not a member of the herd - but those who love me love me for the same reason: I'm myself. I don't give a fuck about trends, I'm not trying to imitate anyone. I have my own rules and often break some rules I find stupid if I see fit. I value kind mess and friendship.
I have but one big problem:
There's no way I could power meditate and do yoga peacefully for a number of reasons and this situation won't change for at least 4 more years.
Three and a half years ago I started to have questions that needed answers. I wanted to know why there's so much suffering in the world, what's the source of problems, why is there evil / what's the raison d'etre of evil and why it's not eliminated if "god" really loves us, how this world really works, how old it is, how and why it was created, how we were really created, our lives' purpose, the and so on.
At that time I was xian for real and believed those teachings to be the word of our loving creator but I thought the scriptures could've been altered in some way or another… I believed magic to be a real actual knowledge that was almost completely lost for some reason…
So I googled „magic“ and started reading everything I found on the first website. It was about white magic of course but just reading through it was pretty exciting. There I read about demons. In the article it was stated that many ancient pagan gods were falsely labeled as demons. The thought of any of those gods being real and mistreated like this shocked me, it sounds terribly unjust…
In the beginning I wished I could reach out to angels (not knowing it was even possible) and ask them about all these things but since all you can hear about is summoning demons I thought „Courage isn't a sin if it reinforces faith.“ so I started fantasizing about summoning a demon and asking him about all sorts of things.
(I also had a fantasy of "making a pact with a demon": "freeing him from hell" and make it "possess" a cat and become my companion - not knowing about the existence of familiars!!)
It was around this time I started to question the truth of Lucifer's story. "Why would someone second-in-power right next to the „creator of everything that is“ want to rebel against him as his position is the best possible and if someone knows „god's“ power that should be his second-in-command so it doesn't make a lot of sense…? And what's his reason for all that??" It just sounds incredible. So incredible that I wanted to listen to "the devil's version of the story"…!
Also "Why would someone worship evil???" This question has led me to the decision of studying satanism. I have read lots of bullshit from xian sources and wanted to see thing for myself. After some time I found this website and started reading. What I found was shocking as a xian and I wanted to find a logical error or something faulty in those writings as they were so astounding I couldn't ignore them. The more I read the more credible it became because everything made sense and there was undeniable truth in it (part of which I have already known - the murder of "witches" by the inquisiton - and the xian church destroying ancient codexes of pagans and competely ruining their civilizations and I've fact checked the rest). Many of my questions have been answered and now I have dozens of questions only gods could answer. After reading almost everything there is to read in the past 18 months I can't turn my back at the truth I sought: I can't be a xian anymore.
Though I know xianity is false I still feel unsure sometimes. Unsure of what to believe.
One time there were *thoughts in my head* : „God created you, Jesus is your saviour, humans are week and helpless, immortality is a lie, turn back to you god“ and I shouted „GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!“ These thoughts were just so alien I had a very strong feeling like they aren't my own at all but someone else's thoughts in MY head. This was before I have read of psychic attacks and such so I'm absolutely sure it wasn't my fantasy… (I have a vivid fantasy and tend to be daydreaming a lot. This used to be worse when I was younger as I couldn't concentrate on anything that wasn't of my interest which meant that I wasn't really present during many lessons in school… This experience was different so I can tell this was real.)
This is who I am and how I came to here. I must ask you a question:
Shall I still do the dedication ritual if I can even if I can't meditate, do RTRs, take part in or celebrate anything?
I really want to see a brighter world and be in close connection to my creator but is it all right to dedicate my soul when I know I can't do anything much for years?
P.S.: Sorry for this long message but I just had to tell you this.
They think in a quite modern way: they aren't forcing me to attend to the mess. They never told me anything like „don't masturbate“ or anything such which I'm glad for. They have their own ideas about certain things for which they'd have been labeled as heretics but they're essentially xians and they adhere to it.
I went to a xian elementary school and now I'm in a xian (rom.cath) grammar school (UK) / high school (US).
I'm not like the rest: I don't fit in and won't do anything just to be accepted by people… I was always different in a way and that gave the others a reason to ostracize me. I was never mean to them on the contrary I was (still am) kind and peaceloving. I only got into a fight once in my life so long.
Many hate me for how I am - not a member of the herd - but those who love me love me for the same reason: I'm myself. I don't give a fuck about trends, I'm not trying to imitate anyone. I have my own rules and often break some rules I find stupid if I see fit. I value kind mess and friendship.
I have but one big problem:
There's no way I could power meditate and do yoga peacefully for a number of reasons and this situation won't change for at least 4 more years.
Three and a half years ago I started to have questions that needed answers. I wanted to know why there's so much suffering in the world, what's the source of problems, why is there evil / what's the raison d'etre of evil and why it's not eliminated if "god" really loves us, how this world really works, how old it is, how and why it was created, how we were really created, our lives' purpose, the and so on.
At that time I was xian for real and believed those teachings to be the word of our loving creator but I thought the scriptures could've been altered in some way or another… I believed magic to be a real actual knowledge that was almost completely lost for some reason…
So I googled „magic“ and started reading everything I found on the first website. It was about white magic of course but just reading through it was pretty exciting. There I read about demons. In the article it was stated that many ancient pagan gods were falsely labeled as demons. The thought of any of those gods being real and mistreated like this shocked me, it sounds terribly unjust…
In the beginning I wished I could reach out to angels (not knowing it was even possible) and ask them about all these things but since all you can hear about is summoning demons I thought „Courage isn't a sin if it reinforces faith.“ so I started fantasizing about summoning a demon and asking him about all sorts of things.
(I also had a fantasy of "making a pact with a demon": "freeing him from hell" and make it "possess" a cat and become my companion - not knowing about the existence of familiars!!)
It was around this time I started to question the truth of Lucifer's story. "Why would someone second-in-power right next to the „creator of everything that is“ want to rebel against him as his position is the best possible and if someone knows „god's“ power that should be his second-in-command so it doesn't make a lot of sense…? And what's his reason for all that??" It just sounds incredible. So incredible that I wanted to listen to "the devil's version of the story"…!
Also "Why would someone worship evil???" This question has led me to the decision of studying satanism. I have read lots of bullshit from xian sources and wanted to see thing for myself. After some time I found this website and started reading. What I found was shocking as a xian and I wanted to find a logical error or something faulty in those writings as they were so astounding I couldn't ignore them. The more I read the more credible it became because everything made sense and there was undeniable truth in it (part of which I have already known - the murder of "witches" by the inquisiton - and the xian church destroying ancient codexes of pagans and competely ruining their civilizations and I've fact checked the rest). Many of my questions have been answered and now I have dozens of questions only gods could answer. After reading almost everything there is to read in the past 18 months I can't turn my back at the truth I sought: I can't be a xian anymore.
Though I know xianity is false I still feel unsure sometimes. Unsure of what to believe.
One time there were *thoughts in my head* : „God created you, Jesus is your saviour, humans are week and helpless, immortality is a lie, turn back to you god“ and I shouted „GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!“ These thoughts were just so alien I had a very strong feeling like they aren't my own at all but someone else's thoughts in MY head. This was before I have read of psychic attacks and such so I'm absolutely sure it wasn't my fantasy… (I have a vivid fantasy and tend to be daydreaming a lot. This used to be worse when I was younger as I couldn't concentrate on anything that wasn't of my interest which meant that I wasn't really present during many lessons in school… This experience was different so I can tell this was real.)
This is who I am and how I came to here. I must ask you a question:
Shall I still do the dedication ritual if I can even if I can't meditate, do RTRs, take part in or celebrate anything?
I really want to see a brighter world and be in close connection to my creator but is it all right to dedicate my soul when I know I can't do anything much for years?
P.S.: Sorry for this long message but I just had to tell you this.
If you have a sore throat or you work 12 hour days maybe don't feel guilty for doing them all day but you yourself just said in another post that you are jobless so the issue here is probably that you are brainwashed and hate yourself. Take care!
