Hello there fellow soldier of our united cause and wazzup?
There is quite a lot of sentiment energy and as is cool thing to say these days "a lot to unpack" in your words since you seem to have a knack/developed a nice level of information synthesis and transference, but hey there is beauty and mastery in complexity (when not unnecessarily over engineered) and that's what this whole thing we call life is about, aka so we can have experiences we want and need to have while still finding and creating joy on the way to our never ending goals.
But this ain't no sermon and instead a personal one so I will aim to help ease the situation and hopefully provide a momentary reprieve from loop of introspection you seem to find yourself in and go by paragraphs. I will not include the quick snippets from your post but will instead number them due to how atrociously and unnecessarily hard these things make for in longer threads on the ease and time of the process of information absorption, even though that the likelihood as is with these types of posts it probably isn't gonna receive a lot of responses ( understandably so due to circumstances that we as currently oppressed, repressed and more then occasionally hunted society have to deal with, enduring that and add the fact that each individual is having their share of hardships and daily life tasks, let alone res n dev time) but who knows maybe luck smiles on you this day and you get many replies. But whats really important is that you get info you need to proceed and if information is what you already have then perhaps sharing of the perspective of another part of the universe might help jump start your own processes of reshaping and reframing, hell call it neural terraforming.. essentially change of thought patterns which is the real key and primary reason of any consciousness/information sharing.
Your lines:
1.1.1 - 12 years eh? Fuckin awesome bro, always a better day to see a soldier thrudging despite and in spite of odds! You must be looking forward to or already are enjoying the lucky year 13, for its the number once when understood even in its lowest octaves gives sovereignity.
1.2.1 - Your ettiquete, respect towards the community and ability to hold the wheel while sifting through the libraries of JOS and going through all sorts of crazy feeling liberations and personal transformations while thirsting and fighting to achieve a stable self sustaining form is to be applauded sir.
1.0.3 - The Bonus Commentary - Well I am sure you already know all this stuff but just in case or as a bonus fact, HPS Lady Maxine has really said it the best in one of her famous qoutes that mention the 10 year period is needed to make a Spiritual Satanist ( I could go into further aspects related to the fields of study such as medical and psychological, socilogical, spiritual, other scientific fields, energetic, worldy and quality of tutoring perspectives and reasons, but that one is for its own thread). Still remember mastery is for forever. Also my dear Sir, always know that you are part of functional family coming from all sorts of backgrounds and experiences, with members who are actively doing their parts to make more of the best ones. True pioneers of our age, for those that have been and for those to come. Even in the mistiest and darkest recesses of life experiences, if you ever doubt any of the realness of this, just think about if project where energy pooling for support on the highest levels in mutualy beneficial meritocratic society like this didn't exist, then ask yourself how good would it be if it did and whether you are gonna do something about it.
2.1.1 - That much is clear and the fact that you are here after all you 've been through without giving up, in my eyes marks the sucessful passage of standard tests like IQ and actually having a free will instead of just a mindless drone spewing regurtitated sludge and you would always be welcome to join the table where I and others I find cool enough to hangout with are having a drink. On more actionable side check your Aquarius and Neptune positions in birth chart to gain deeper understanding in case of quirkyness and more then usual spiritual interests as well as houses related to these themes and of course Pisces for they have a bit of everything.
3.1.1 - As for the any decision like this to be made long term is severely handicapping one's access to plethora of beautiful experiences and learning opportunities. As you had privilege/unfortune to grow up in sheltered environment most likely you were surronded by females with whom sexual expression for whatever reason (family, classmates, authority figures...) wasn't part of the pack nor that there would expansion/dlcs coming in future so of course learned factory settings are set to conversation and like activities. If you truly wish to resolve this dillemma and gain more insight into all layers of existance then there is only one way and that is to roll up the sleeves and immerse yourself. Think of it like this, the whole time you had to endure the absence of this level of connections then it ought to make it more appreciated and after long periods of introspections and recognizing its value enough to have willingness to show your tender insecure side with questions in search of clarity to bunch of people online clearly means this is area where you will really wish for and undoubtedly reach mastery. Saturn likes to teach this way so check those aspects in your chart as well as 12th house placements for flavor of isolation. Also learn to read people, rooms, groups, situations and patterns over time so that the whole process and life in general is easier and improved by sharing it with similar minded peeps. Listen I am not gonna lie its hard, especially for us here to find people on our radar and level of standard, hell the standard for normal human being can be bit of needle in haystack in some places and especially those with low population head counts. This isn't trashtalking but a reality we are facing. To offer some solace though, there is absoulutely no reason as to one should avoid interacting with the rest of our less developed brothers and sisters so long as they are into themes of healthy personal and social life, here is a pro tip: look for those that are into self improvement and if at all possible that in fact actively doing/are into changing the society for the better through their chosen fields and strats. As always watchout for physical and spiritual stds and bindings no matter how horny you are.
4.1.1 - Hey that's nice, at least one of you had the balls to do it in the moment. Again stay away from self declarations like this they will only cause you harm in the long run. Also to mention that we are nowhere near overpopulation and whether there are few other colonized planets still for statisticly speaking wouldn't be exactly safe zone due to how nasty and large things can go very quickly. Just to maintain current pop level takes 2 people to make 2 new ones and we really could use reinforcments, keep in mind that babysitting is part of the process no matter your role. The strong and wise are meant to protect currently weak ones, provide safe space to learn and grow while they also become big boys and girls, then we can really have fun experiencing life together and there will always be new faces/souls coming to town. Likewise war is many things but in the end it boils down to more gun/soldiers and the only reason we ain't out of the picture completely is that our spirit is within people and there's still more of us, but I 'd be careful trusting that things will continue going our way unless something is done about it. Remember we were not born or taught to hate anyone and we had to militarize in order to just survive and hopefully in future our numbers will be large galactic presence doing work on the level of gods helping to maintain universal garden of life and stawing off any who for whatever reason would prefer to see galaxy cold and lifeless.
5.1.1 - You know you can have girlfriend/wife experience without filling in the paperwork, this advice is specially crucial at the young age if it seems things might be moving toward marriage type of contract/partnership. Give it a test run, just like you don't have to get married to have sex so then whats the problem if you move in together and share rent for a while? None whatsoever, neither of you don't have to sneak around the hood in the middle of night after having a good time and having your energy and shield levels flickering requesting recharge all the while the good hormones that you worked so hard to get would have to either get stiffled until you are back to your place or you are risking reduced mobility and perception stats. Cuddling/showering/sleeping after good sex is enjoying the feel goods you made together and definately sounds better then getting shanked for looking like an easy mark in wrong time and place. Also since the society is currently at the spectrum side of greedy and hoarding nature of resources the least what you can do is reduce the possibility of those angles messing up the pretty sweet situation. So as for base advice, always be self sufficient with cash as much as you can in the given circumstances and in case of partnerships each should have their own bank account (try to find lesser evil ones or at least ones that might have some form of an actual client support) for their own personal payments while opening a joint household account from which all bills are payed and to which ideally both of you contribute equally. This will save a lot of talks about spending habits and is nice security in case of a fallout and that one or both parties decide to invite legal representatives in the situation directly or years later. Also always have your name on the apartment/house lease, the world has heard plenty of stories where people lost it all over night due to one of the sides deciding to move on and take your stuff and maybe drag you through as much shit as possible on the way just because. Wherever there is/was love when flipped it can have same emotional power output and this time its someone who has spent a large degree of time with you and knows about you more or less then you think and how to push your buttons (clearly, they got in bed with you).
5-6.1.1 - Well there's always a chance that overtime she realized its not what she thought it would be, maybe got too scared of the big steps, maybe was enjoying power she had over you and gaslighting young inexperinced guy who still isn't even in touch with himself and his visions while getting pounded by pretty young body eager to please her every whim, maybe she was thinking about someone else the entire time because can you ever truly tell what's in someones heart? Maybe you yourself weren't holier then that? I fully support inspiring and helping others towards advancement but we aren't jehovah's witnesses who pester people ( unfortunately most of them are often victims and some of them really wish to do good but are misguided), so maybe she thought that you were too controlling or puting expectations on her and I mean most likely due to your own emphasis on research and knowledge she might felt a mismatch of lifestyles and compatibility, maybe she thought she isn't gonna be enough for you and distanced herself or that you are trying to "change her"? For this possible perspective check out compilation or episode of that slightly funny cuck show the big bang theory where pretty girl gets talking with her smart educated boyfriend about education and the situations that unfold. These are while unfortunate reactions very much possible, how many times have you heard the dum brag of dudes saying they have never and will never read a book in their life and if they have to learn one more thing then they swear they will ....blah..blah..( without intrest in sciences, arts, society and greater ideals then there's only eat sleep kill repeat and that's a quite a hole). All in all you were both young and this experience no matter how it might feel has made you better person in the long run for hardships and overcoming them builds character. Often it is said that lenght of time you had will take as much after to resolve, but it's not the time that works it out and this is happening inside you and as such you are the only one who can make it work after and grow in strenght, humbleness, wisdom and one more thing to cross off the bucket list if you don't manage to alter your DNA for everlasting life. All of this adds to inner side of been there done that and you have survived this rite of passage without being incarcerated or having a slave that you most likely don't even love or like being around anymore as you used to and she would be more of an a punching bag for you then anything else while you either work out your shadow trials that come from integration of experiences and projections of future with these new experiences or steep even further in darkness.
7.1.1 - There's pleasure to be found in releasing control and taking it, that would be altered states of consciousnes which ideally one learns to produce without external resources ( plenty of stuff and meditations about these topics on the forum). As person develops with time so will ones timing and dosage with these things. Remember just because life can be down right blanketing with amount of bad examples when it comes to these themes especially with lack of education and knowledge available to extorted general public. The positive and negative effects it has on ones body and psyche are as varied as people themselves, but remember these are gifts for us to use responsibly. Do you know how much of reprive and morale boost one something can give to a soldier facing death on the daily while being isolated from all the things he's fighting to protect? Would you rather take a dose of pain meds or suffer all night burning your circutry and wearing you down? If it was a third night of enemy assualt and you must stay awake for at least one more round but you have passed a point at which your spirit is able to animate the body and keep moving, the body itself doing shutdown process outside of your control, then shooting, target and strat recognition, all the while doding shit and curses while unable to take a break to recharge through meditation, would some form of upper be an amazing thing to have in that moment? It just might save you and those who you hold dear or if a monkey can't let go of pleasure thing then possibility of negative consequences are not an impossibility. So enjoy it all but never cross line where it's the main thing/activity for then you have just added one more thing that you can't go without. Short of it there's good booz and bad booz, go through all stages of high, happy, happy crying, sad crying and all inbetween. But most of all its not the drink itself that one ought to be afraid of but who is bottling it and what kind of shit are they "adding" and in time of enemy agenda poisoning us by every possible angle rest assured that there's some harmful metal substances in that beer (often brom and in the modern times chemical as well). So grow your own food, brew your stuff and ideally even in the hardest times and biggest changes never go under functioning addict level and ideally try to keep it as occasional social lubricant and party enhancers.
10.1.1 - Friends come and go all the time and if you weren't feeling as in shitty place mentally it wouldn't bother you that much, you could find reasons for having them in the first place and deduce clearer why the sudden change and why it might be best for all included. Also I wonder how much of real you they knew and could respect, appreciate and hang on for who you are. Can't expect people to know you and stay if you are appearing as filtering yourself constantly and not being as interested in shared hobbies/activities since you know much more of an story behind all these things and got higher goals then just momentary pleasure in mind. Otherwise you will too often be treated as lesser then what you really are and it will mess with your self perception and soon begin distancing and loosing the drive and sight of why you fight to help these people. Try and make friends here among brothers and sisters, who knows maybe with time you take it from online to lan comms. Check out you current transits for whether Pluto and or Saturn are actively kicking your ass towards change and restructuring both within and around. As well as check your energy resonance to geo location (there's decent amount of free calculators and graphs online), maybe a change of place could provide energy that you would prefer to be at this stage, prospects of new places and faces might give you boost to deal with this or at least forget for moment when you had enough of introspection for the time being and need a short break. When in doubt look to astrology and divine with your favorite tools, beverages and techniques.
So for anyone else who might be doing research on topics like these or simply stumble upon this thread here would be short general guidelines:
F: Fucking/Sex/Making Love/Doing personal odd jobs/Jerking/Other funny ways to say the same.. is an important part of the road to a healthy and happy body soul connection, when done properly and not abused for feel good, boredom and quick fix type of situations.
Oh and watch out for creeps trying to sell you into infinite amount of layers of secret societies where "You can have sex with many people"
just to get swindled all the way down to the clique "in the know" practicing part of the "royal secret" , the ineffecient soul crushing and purposfuly hostile ways of vampirizing children through sexual abuse for energy recharge and free trauma.
Sexual energy is primal creation well so don't connect that all powerful source to bad things and crazy stuff, even in the thoughts.
U: Understand reasons behind and plan isolation periods. Learn to love and be with yourself, give thyself the stuff you need and get comfortable with dating self until and so that you know how to for the moments when these can be shared.
T: The social game of seduction is elusive one and requires constant updating. Just like oneself has to keep progressing to have new stuff happening and daily stories to share and make life more interesting in longer run contracts and relationships.
H: Having power and knowing when to use it and for what reasons are the main definitions of god.
A: Almighty mind! Enjoy this opportunity and cherish the ability to have a body that can make you quiver and shiver. Don't forget development of visualization and sensory advancement and don't be reliant on the outside stimuli and media for enhancement all the time. Also forget not sex magick..horny states can take you long way in all of these.
R: Revenge only when really necessary, you don't want to be polluting already messy ether, neither your own and other ones karma as well as the lives of those around. Examples: 1 - Someone you had sex with has distanced themself for whatever reason and that's ok, let them live their life in the way of their own choosing. 2 - Someone you had sex with is confused and causing unintentional damage to your spheres of life, guard thyself while seeking to understand and improve situation, show compassion if possible. 3 - Someone you had sex with or been in a long relationship is actively trying to wreck your life and especially if its for no good reason, then give 'em hell. But always try minimum damage and escalation approach where possible, that is the art of war.
K: Kaching!!! Character is the sexiest thing end of story... Sexual services most definately have many applications and are very much needed in society where mental and physical health is still not at levels where transcendence of these barriers is readily available to all.
Words, thoughts and emotions can carry much so take these as you will and are currently able (no dick/brain/holyer then thou size measurement competition type o' shit here alright, we are where we are for the reasons only ourselves and maybe our partners in life and beyond (helpers/gods/gds) know and hopefully our choices to be in these situations are for our and everyone else's betterment sake, if not then school's in and good luck. But the most important thing from all of this, is the fact that your life and your fight is not in vain or unheard and you most definitely are not all alone, no matter the momentary feels and situations and YES! You truly do matter. Many and I as a bro in spirit look forward to see what kind of picture your actions and inactions will paint upon the universe and look forward to Magnum Opus.
Always remember, no real support is truly full without giving actionable and a personal side of daily life things one does, strongly so in the time when "modern" preachers and influencers are THE hot stuff, kinda like what "STARS" were couple decades ago before the age of internet at the turn of the century , specially so these days of acclimation to global information sharing/exposure/shock and worldwide identity building still being in its early stages. So as for why I made account and wrote this wordy wall specificaly and not continued to work on the super secret extra special deluxe mega jumbo top shelf certified universal satanas project (not real name) in its allocated time is that... well I could say many things like personal/life experience, research, duty, compassion, whatever, etc... but the short of it is simply.. I get it (to my own degree of understanding, but this isn't devaluation). Lonelyness/neglect/imprisonment/asylum/shelteredness/character assasination and stims combos (any form of body chemistry alteration through use of substances) over longer period and in emotionally charged moments when ones horizon seems painted by large brush of unbreakable inescapable color if left unchecked often as a consequence tends to steer psyche towards Self Sabotage & Self Abandonment TM and then the primal survival stuff comes kickin' the door. So due to neural circutry being used and wired to the new status quo of self denial and dissasotiation in an attempt to feel something, damn feel anything!!! It makes one do hoopty loopty stuff, naturally at first quietly but ever more dangerous things to self and occasionally everyone follow. Unfortunate cases when society drops the ball and for whatever reason is or was unable to recognise and give a proper helping hand to the sufferer, pretty soon self harm and harm of others swings by using your body and saying stuff in caps lock in and outta house with world as a stage (If you have dipped your toes or sincerly hopefully not jumped in head first doing butterfly style swimming and squirting outta mouth morbidly playfull in those murky waters. If thats the case there is only one thing to say and its one of those where getting to the point requires a bit of work and as well as decent amount of self negotiation but monkey together strong type of instructions seem to work the best in those moments. Gotta cut though all that noise you know, so every fiber of being ought to resonate with the sound coming deep within to really mean and say the words bringing forth the reaction made of an action brought upon by the simplest and the holiest, the wish to live. Words can be any that come to you or premeditated power words you have compiled and are specifically working for you but the gist of it is strong and resounding STOP! ENOUGH! Followed by mindful thoughtful unencumbered state of simply being for the time). Again I hope you don't find yourself there and surrounded by sharks of the unexistance because thats one more level under and on top of ever increasing to do list of the poor soul who is already enduring alot and a deeper pit to climb or claw out from.
I am no authority on any of these nor do I in general suggest having the idea that anyone, anywhere no matter the circumstances should tell anyone else with absolute certainty what and how to live your life. That said, from what is observable you are not only better then situation you find yourself in at the moment but in fact seem quite ready for a better way of living and I as well as plenty of others ( you'd be surprised at how many of us there are and how many are doing the same work as we without even knowing until their own self determined moment of "awakening") are truly sending best wishes to you on your journey of self development.
To end the post I would refer to first few bars and develop these even further, you are blessed!
