sanberkdisci
New member
- Joined
- May 30, 2008
- Messages
- 0
First of all, thanks to anybody who reads this message and finds it worthy to answer. I was raised as a muslim but never been a religious guy. Sometimes I did attend to some muslimic stuff but never felt relaxed and peaceful as promised. I thought that feeling "relaxed and peaceful" that the others could feel was coming from blind faith not from a holy power. They were believing in it so much that it actually happened when they attend to religious rituals. But not me. I always questioned things and looked for a clean answer instead of tricky words and revelations. For years I was saying that I am muslim but in the deep I never cared about religion and never thought about it in my life. A couple of years ago when I started to seek power and true answers I searched for the old gods, myths, grimoires, the books like Necronomicon and Clavicula Salomonis and other things. But all the things that worthy to know or actually may be real were hidden and unavaliable somehow. Then I stopped searching because It was killing me inside day to day. Then a year after I started to research Wicca and Paganism. Made arrangments to go Britain and meet with some Priest and Priestess. But I couldn't run away from the "reality" that I have been living for whole my life. I had this big imagination since I was a little boy. I was always dreaming about things like "What would happen if this would be happened in a different way.". Even If working or in really important exams or meetings. All the time. And now it is beyond my control. I am believing in things like they are completely possible to do besides that they are nearly impossible. And I am shaping whole my life around it. It is just this feeling that things cannot be same anymore. Things have to change. And so I started to do some serious researches. Lately from the things I found and read I got symphaty for Demons. As they are beings with the ability to think I thought they don't need to be evil all the time or not at all. Because If you have thoughts they can be manipulated. Can be manipulated in bad way or good way, by someone else or by yourself. But that means you don't always have to do things bad. I tried to understand them. As they were known as fallen angels in many religions it made me curious. Because islam believes that the angels are the serveants of the god and don't have ability to think or disobey. But also islam says the Satan disobeyed the god as he said "Hail before the Adam." and the Satan said "I won't hail before him he is made of dirt and I am made of fire." Then he was exiled to hell as islam says. So I thought If the angels don't have to ability to disobey how did Satan disobey. So it made me think if Satan is something really big. All the time in the books etc. they say beware the Satan because he makes you do bad things. But I never believed. I mean even if he is evil that doesn't mean everything we did that is bad is because of him. I did some bad things in my life. Some I regret and some I don't. But I did them with all clear mind and on purpose. It was decision and my fault. Because I have this ability to think freely. And only I am responsible for what I did. So I never blamed the Satan. I am not the softest guy in the world. I am just but not merciful if it is not innocent. I don't know how the believers think the god is just after all the thing happening in the world right now. So I decided to search for justice somewhere else. I am just but vicious. Merciful for only innocents. Never forgive who hurt my beloved ones. I believe that the weak will eventually be destroyed. And I don't pity for weak. I would teach weak to be strong but wouldn't protect them. And I totally believe in the power of human mind and soul. So somehow this personality of mine reminded me the Satan and I started to search for power and knowledge in satanic ways. Now the life got me in the corner. The people around me questioning my decisions. I am being treated as a slave and an idiot. I am holding it in myself but there is too much anger and hate. And I am afraid of doing bad things so I have to run away. But I need be totally sure that the way I go is the true way. So I was trying to summon a Demon for knowledge. I failed. I was using gold yellow candle instead of black or red. And didn't have an incense at all. But as you can understand it is not easy to me to perform this ritual as the people around me are very agressive about this. So I wasn't able to summon the Demon. I did everything as it was written in the site but not the materials. I thought it is about what is in your heart and mind not about the materials you use and I think I am sensitive enough after all these years of thinking and imagining and trying to understand greater beings, parallel universes, astral realms and supernatural beings. But it is obvious that I was wrong at a point. So I need your help. I need to summon a Demon in order to get knowledge and let my old life with just lies go and start a new one. I can't let go of my life or run away from it if I don't know that this way is it one true way. I know it's been a long writing but it is important for me so thank you all who reads it and answers it again.