A Womans Body

[Jack]

I think my last post was probably a bit incomprehensible, so I'll explain what I meant a bit more clearly.

It's true that I wanted others to see me as a girl when I was little, and that it bothered me when others treated me like a boy. But that isn't actually the same as being a girl deep down, is it? I just wanted to be one.

So why did I want to be one? Due to karma, I was too scared to live as a boy or man anymore. I believe this to be due to trauma from a past lifetime, but if you don't believe in that, it's also heavily emphasised in my chart. Given that, it only makes sense that my body is a bit unusual in this life; being unable to accept myself as male due to what happened, I was drawn to a body that isn't completely male.

The aforementioned karma made me obsessed with the idea that life would somehow be less frightening, easier, and overall better if I had been born a girl. That belief may have stemmed from a "the grass is greener on the other side" mentality, as realistically speaking, there are all sorts of other bad things that could've happened to me in my past lives even if I had been female.

Already being a bit in-between, I felt very out-of-place in this life, which amplified this obsession. Eventually when I was 15 years old, I started to feel suicidal, because I felt like there really was no place in this world after all for a boy like me. But I reasoned that if I was willing to die anyway, I might as well just do whatever I feel like without worrying about the consequences; influenced by my obsession, this lead me to take actions that caused me to look and sound like a woman to other people by the time I was 18.

For years, despite people's compliments, I still felt very insecure, because I felt like I didn't deserve all these things. "Surely people are only so nice to me because I look like a woman to them, right? But that isn't what I really am deep down." I felt inadequate.

Some time after dedicating and discussing these matters with my Guardian, I came to the conclusion that I couldn't bear to go back to living as a guy. In that case, I felt the only way to go is forward. Since I don't want to go through all of this again in my next life, I decided to do a working to change how I'll reincarnate, and a God offered to help me with this. It had to do with transmuting my Sacral Chakra through death and rebirth, but I won't go into more detail since I don't think it's something anyone should attempt carelessly.

Because of that working, I felt different somehow, to such an extent that I briefly had an identity crisis, although it was quickly resolved thanks to a friend. I went from feeling like "I'll never really be a woman deep down, no matter what I do" to "I'll always be a woman deep down, no matter what." I came to realise that the people who care about me, love me for who I am anyway, and I became able to accept myself more as well.

I may never be able to accept myself as a man; I was unable to overcome those wounds from the past that way. But I can accept myself as a woman, and that has become easier the more I've changed. I've decided that's how I'll heal the wounds on my Soul.

I can only hope that no one feels inspired by my story. I may have found happiness in the end, but that doesn't mean I'll ever forgive this rotten, jew-infested society for pushing me so far. All those who discriminate against people for being homosexual can just die a painful, torturous death. The suffering I went through is all their fault. It's all the fault of the church, and the jews.

I often asked myself if there wasn't some other way I could've dealt with these feelings. But I understand now: even if there was, there is no way I could've committed myself to doing the polar opposite of what I wanted so much. I'm just glad it worked out somehow.

Question - did your parents let the doctors perform surgery to remove the less developed genitalia and which genttalia did you have throughout your development or did you have both ?

 

[tabby]

...

Thanks for the clarification. By the way, i agree, like you said, that we should avoid at all costs adopting even just one of the enemy ideas. Nietzsche even warned against becoming like our enemies, but i don't remember in which quote he said that.

No worries. Kinda reminds me of the whole "those who fight monsters be wary not to become monsters themselves". Even common folk who don't take up the sword in battle can become monsters simply by being around them long enough without proper guidance from those who remain strong in themselves, like the Gods and advanced gentiles.

Spirituality really is the foundation of so much in this world. Hail the Gods and Demons of Hell!

 

[Jrvan]

...

You don't have to accept what I'm about to say if you don't want to, but I'm going to say it anyway because I believe it would be wrong not to.

I'll cut right to the chase. I think you might be possessed. ...

Although it's true that I've poured so much energy on my wish, even since before this lifetime, that it's turned into something bigger than I can control anymore, I don't think that's the same as being "possessed". That said, I've been very open since I was little, accidentally picking up on the thoughts of people near me, so it's possible that I picked up some bad things as well; honestly, I didn't even have a clear sense of self until I built an aura of protection for the first time two years ago.

I also experienced a lot of isolation like you mentioned. When I was 4 years old, my mom cut my hair short, and then my friends started ostracising me, saying they didn't want to play with a boy; which was rather baffling, since I'm still me even if I have short hair, right? Since then the length of my hair has been rather important to me, but I was rather lonely for a long time due to that, since I couldn't get along well with boys either. Then one day I hallucinated about an adult woman who looked similar to how I look now, telling me that if I really want to be a girl, I should ask an adult for help. After considering it for some time, I asked my dad about it hypothetically, but I got scared when he said it involves painful surgeries; so instead I asked my parents if they could buy me some girly toys and let me grow my hair to medium length at least instead of cutting it so short, which they were fine with.

First you're going to have to be objective about your astral communications, and really question whether you are truly speaking to Demons or not.

I've wondered about that for a long time, actually. I dedicated before even finding any evidence that the Gods are real beings, since I figured I might as well in case it's true, so I took all my experiences at face value back then, thinking of those experiences as a helpful placebo for my mental health. But then after meeting the God I mentioned, a friend encouraged me to do a bit of an experiment; asking questions I had no idea about that I would be able to confirm later that day, and also trying to guess what digits would appear from a random number generator. The answers I got were extremely accurate (I would've had less than a 2% chance of being that accurate if I had simply guessed normally), so since then I thought it was really real after all.

However, later that year I noticed that I can somewhat see the future on my own if I try, so long as it's something I or someone close to me will see with their own eyes. Since then I've wondered if perhaps the experiment back then went so well entirely because of my own abilities, and if the God I talked to in my mind was just someone I imagined because I wanted a friend. If that was the case, and there was no one else who helped me with my working back then either, then that raises the question if fundamentally changing the nature of what I am is within my own abilities too. That oddly reminds me of when I was 4 years old; I wanted to be a chemist so I could invent a "sex change potion". It seems I ended up attempting it by using alchemy instead, though.

Since there's a Mercury Retrograde going on, I'll clarify just in case anyone thinks I'm saying the Gods aren't real, that that isn't what I meant. I was asked if my interactions with Them are really real, and my answer comes down to "how am I supposed to know, when everything could be explained in other ways as well?" Even so, They "feel" real to me, and I've always appreciated Their gifts.

Even if we say hypothetically that I'm wrong about my assumptions here... you still have the pain, don't you? You still have to face your male side that is suppressed. You have to deal with those issues or you will never be whole again on the inside even as a female. For the sake of your soul you have to confront all of that, and work through those issues and accept yourself again. If you do then you will be better off in future lifetimes as well, and your soul will be at peace.

This is what I used to think as well. I felt like such a weakling for being unable to face it. But each time I have sex astrally with my fiancé, I forget the pain a bit more. Despite everything, even despite my work being incomplete, I'm happier now than I was ever before.
And perhaps ironically, feeling more comfortable in who I am has helped me embrace and explore my masculine side more, because I realised there's no reason why women shouldn't be allowed to express their other half. This has further helped me heal, making me more assertive and confident as a person, as well as stronger spiritually as it increased the energy levels of my lower Chakras.
As those Chakras were empowered, I noticed a weird entity claiming to be me, but it obviously wasn't so I removed and killed it. Since then I've felt much freer in general. Perhaps it played a role in me being so timid and insecure back in the day, as it was after this that I stopped obsessing over my looks so much, and realised people's compliments are true and that there's no need to feel insecure.

That does make it sound like there may have been something bad inside of me, like you said. Either way, it's gone now, and I feel like I'm control again since then, doing what I really want to. I no longer care so much about adhering to stereotypes or what others think of me, and do things for my own sake rather than because I feel forced to by my surroundings or other influences.

That said, when I was thinking the other day about the results I foresaw of the surgery, and physically having sex with my fiancé that way after my body heals... I got so abnormally excited about it, that I realised there's likely still a component of obsession to it. But I can tell that obsession is truly my own at this point, even if it originally started because I was in a very bad place mentally.

I'm my own person now, and I've gotten much, much better at blocking out other people's thoughts, as well as other external influences. Father Satan also told me the importance of thinking for myself, and that if the Gods really need me to know something, then They'll find a way to make me understand it for myself; I shouldn't trust anyone blindly, even someone who appears as a God or Goddess to me. Since then I haven't taken my experiences with Demons at face value anymore, and always kept an open mind and considered the physical and practical reality of things, rather than letting myself be convinced of something just because I felt it.

The knowledge that my obsessive wish was born from trauma caused by enemy curses, weighs heavily on me. "If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them." Through their doctrine, the xian church twisted people's perceptions of and reactions to same sex relationships, and destroyed the place I had in society. Although I'll forget the pain, I won't forget my anger. In this life, since I was little, I always despised the church since I believed they would go as far as to kill innocent people if it's for the sake of maintaining their delusions. I'll never forgive them.

Changing one chakra won't change the sex of your soul as if it's some binary switch

This is correct, and there was actually much more to the working. My Sacral Chakra was just the starting point, and it wasn't like pulling a switch. Rather, over the course of the first week of the working, it felt like my Sacral Chakra crumbled to dust as pieces broke off it; but each time a piece fell off, it regenerated differently. This left it in a dysfunctional state during that week, and I felt extremely apathetic and lethargic for that week, but somehow I managed to push on. Even when I felt too tired, I would suddenly feel a rush of warm, bright, fiery energy that helped me not pass out; I considered this to be that God's help, but who knows.

Afterwards, my Sacral Chakra felt whole again, and the working spread to other parts of my Soul. It's the entire framework of one's Soul that makes up who one is after all, so only changing one thing would just make the rest out-of-place; but I dealt with that too.

I don't know yet in what way I'll reincarnate, but there were some other effects I noticed, both positive and negative. The amount of pleasure I feel and the amount of orgasms I can have increased drastically, especially when doing things astrally; to such an extent that I had to work on increasing my energy capacity through yoga because I got overwhelmed otherwise. I also no longer feel ashamed of my dick, since I started feeling like that doesn't change what I really am. As for the negative effects, I suppose that's why I still want to have surgery even though I don't feel ashamed of my body anymore. It physically feels like it's inside out now, and it's very disturbing.

You're going to have to make a decision to bravely face your pain in regards to malehood which is the root of all of this. I know what that is like. I know how hard it is to accept oneself as a male again after rejecting it for so long and having it rejected and spit on by others for so long. Trampled and beaten down. But you have to make your peace with it, and commit to trying to be a male each day until you feel okay again.

You know, I've been wondering, but what does it even mean to be male? Does it mean to cut off my breasts that I take so much pride in? To take testosterone supplements, so that my beautiful long hair falls out like happened to my father? To make an effort to talk in a deep voice, even though I love the compliments I've gotten for how cute I sound? To dress up as a man, rather than wearing clothes that actually accentuate my figure well? To ask people to refer to me by male pronouns, instead of letting them decide for themselves?
Even thinking about it rationally, why would I desire any of that?

But seriously, can you explain to me what it means to "try" to be male? At this point, I genuinely don't even know anymore. Even if I dressed up as a guy, I would just feel like a cross-dressing woman, and appear that way to the people around me as well. I wouldn't even be able to explain why I'm dressing like a guy either, because I actually enjoy looking feminine and wearing nice clothes. You know there's gay guys that enjoy dressing femininely and talking with a high-pitched voice as well, right, kinda like me? They're still male despite that, so then I guess the way I dress and the way I talk has nothing to do with being male or female to begin with...

It used to be the other way around, actually. Right now I don't know how to be male, just like I didn't know how to be female back then. But who even knows either of those things to begin with? People just are what they are, without even trying. But I wanted it so much, that I just kept trying and trying and trying for 9 years, and this is the result. That's how much effort it took.

When I said that I realised there's no way I could bear to go back to living as a man, I meant it. I completely lack the motivation for it, and thus I wouldn't be able to push on long enough to succeed; in fact, I would likely become depressed and regret it immensely.
If anything, I want to work towards being completely female physically someday, because then I'll be able to have children with the man I love so much. Do you think I would ever be allowed to do that, if I went back to being a man?

Earlier this year, someone posted about progress with the development of artificial wombs, and I responded very positively to it. This was met with disturbed reactions, so I wrote a post explaining where I was coming from, and my conclusion after reconsidering it:

It seems my positive reaction to this topic was rather controversial, so I feel like I should try to clarify where it came from.

I'm a dreamer. I will stop at nothing to accomplish my dreams; that is my only modus operandi. I'm unable to comprehend people who think differently. I love Spiritual Satanism precisely because it has taught me ways to bend even what I believed to be the laws of reality if that's what it takes for me to succeed at whatever I wish to do.
If I, having no prior experience with self-harm, have to painfully stab myself five times with the dull needle on a geometric compass which I sterilised beforehand with rubbing alcohol, then jab it in even deeper and painstakingly pry open the wound just to get blood to come out so that I can dedicate myself, I'll do it. In fact, that's precisely what I did, the same day I first read about the dedication ritual, even as I felt Satan's presence and it felt like He was trying to reassure me that it's fine to wait and try again another day with a more suitable needle.
I could not let myself wait and try again another day. If I'm not even dedicated enough to dedicate myself to my only hope (Father), then how will I ever be dedicated enough to accomplish my ambitions? That is how I think. If there is a way to do what I want, then I will do it, no matter what.

My sanity stems only from the fact that the most reliable way to get what I want is usually also the most sensible way. But as such, I can also perfectly understand that if someone concluded the only way to get what they always dreamed of is by doing something "insane", they would do it.
I reacted positively to the news of this successful experiment because it paves the way for making what used to be an impossibility for some people in the past, a possibility for them in the future. The creation of possibilities is something that I love, because I believe possibilities give people freedom. To see something impossible become possible, is something I consider beautiful.
However, in my amazement I had not considered the ethics of this approach. It seems most people here think that artificially creating a human child is incredibly wrong. I have not thought about this topic in enough depth to understand the ethics or risks or downsides surrounding it; but what I do realise now is that perhaps it would distract people from dreaming even bigger: to be able to become a mother themselves instead of passing their wish on to an emotionless machine. If they can't even do that, then do they even really want it enough to be resorting to such an immoral alternative?

Although I'm still curious how this research will develop in the future, I'm starting to understand that such technology also comes with many dangers and risks, perhaps not much different from gene-altering vaccines. I apologise if I upset or disturbed anyone by looking only at the positives and ignoring the negatives, or perhaps more importantly, forgetting to use "common sense" just because I admired the ambition of those trying to make this possible.
Perhaps at some point one should stop and think not whether they can, but whether they should. I realise that now.

I still stand by those words. Since I want to have children with the man I love, I'll just have to become a mother. If I can't even do that, then I'm not serious enough about my wish to have children with him in the first place.

In closing, I appreciate your warnings; you truly seem like such a kind and caring person. Not letting anything influence me astrally is actually something I've specifically been practising extra much since a bit over a week ago, as I realised I was still picking up on too many things and letting other people influence me too much. I'm working on that the best I can.

I thought that if I had always been intersex, rather than becoming this way due to unresolved trauma in my past lives like I know is the case deep down, that would be much easier for people to accept than the real reason I was born this way. I thought there was no way that people would accept that I changed, let alone be happy for me, when my wish stemmed from such a horrible place. I couldn't stop worrying about people's thoughts regarding that, so I lied to myself in order to feel better. But the large amounts of void meditation I did recently, even when engaging with other people, helped me stop worrying so much, and I remembered the truth about my past.

Of course my worries were correct, but I can see now that it doesn't matter. It's only people's thoughts. I shouldn't lose sight of reality just because I'm afraid of being judged or misunderstood, right? I would rather be misunderstood but know the truth deep down, than receive the approval of everyone else while misunderstanding myself. I'm only writing so much on the topic because it's nice to get all these things off my chest, and because it helps me sort out my thoughts; it doesn't matter so much to me how people respond to it.

There doesn't seem to be an entity affecting me anymore. This is just who I am now. Regardless, I'll always continue to be cautious not to let anyone or anything manipulate me. I'm always looking for ways to improve my psychic defences, because being unusually open left me rather vulnerable in the past. But I've truly come a long way in that already, and have a clearer sense of self than ever before.

Again, thank you worrying about me and giving me advice; and I'm sorry for making you worry in the first place by ranting so much.
Sometimes my past still haunts me, but I'm healing now in my own way. I don't mind that I changed in the process; in fact, I might even be happier this way anyway on the long term. Gay rights have improved a lot since a centuries ago, but many people are still looking for excuses to abolish them. On top of that, most gay men are polyamorous, making them incompatible with me even if I still looked like a guy. I'd be lying if I said I don't feel more comfortable in my current role in society, so maybe this was for the best to begin with.

I used to think the same as you not that long ago about what it actually means to be male, and it confused me greatly. I also used to be confused over what it meant to be a female, but I eventually worked that out. Then I was still left with the male problem and what it all means, and I didn't feel resolved internally until I figured it out and made my peace with it. Part of it for me was wounding. Being told what I can and can't do as a male, being shamed for this or that, not being allowed to express myself or my emotions, and feeling like my destiny was to be forced into being a carbon copy factory churned stone cold robot who just pays the bills and shuts up. Men aren't allowed to express themselves, and that's the biggest problem with all of it. I agree with the clothing thing, male clothes are boring. Look at 16th century clothing and you'll see how pathetic modern male wardrobes are. It's also emotions as we all know, and I've talked at length about previously. I also like male singers who can hit the high notes. There's this one band I used to listen to a lot called "The Darkness," and the vocalist would sing in head voice all the time. I thought it was so cool.

However, I will give you a hint. Being a male fundamentally has nothing to do with how you express yourself. That simply blocks males from accessing the feminine and feeling alive by expressing their souls. But being male is something else... and this is something I personally struggled with to accept for a long time. It has a lot to do with ownership and dominance. Males are conquerors. It's what we do, and it's natural. We conquer a territory and then we secure it and defend it. Defense of the territory, defense of the women, defense of the tribe. Society currently has a big issue with male ownership thanks to brainwashed feminists. A woman naturally wants the man in her life to take ownership of her. This is perfectly fine. It means she trusts him to protect her. The woman gives the man a family, and then the man protects the family that she gives him. This doesn't make the woman livestock as the deranged feminists claim, but a big part of overcoming this resistance towards malehood is dealing with this problem that we have thanks to those crazies about a woman being the property of the male. Society cringes at that idea right now, and it's understandable because of how males behaved towards women under xian influence through the centuries. Those are deep old wounds that the jews inflicted, but hardly anyone knows it was the jews. I digress. Back on the point... Dominance, ownership, defending the homeland, protecting what belongs to you. These are all things that fundamentally have to do with being a man. Obviously this is all from a heterosexual perspective, but it still applies to everyone regardless. It's an inherent thing for anyone with a male soul no matter what their sexual orientation is. Butting our heads against this is what causes this great inner confusion that many face, I strongly believe.

Gay, Bi, whatever. The male still will feel a responsibility towards his homeland and family, and the need to protect them as well as anything that belongs to him. It's natural for those who aren't disconnected from their true nature due to societal conditioning and brainwashing. Remember that keyword: ownership. Make your peace with that word, and know that it's okay to possess things. Nobody can stop you as long as you have the might to protect it once you have made it yours. Also if you didn't know this, there were Legionnaires who were gay or bi and it was known.

Males are also the deliverers of justice. It is usually primarily men who are most concerned with justice and calling out injustice in society. Men are responsible for defending, maintaining, and keeping society safe and righteous. It's not that women can't fulfill these roles as well if they want to, but these things are very important and close to the male spirit.

Something you also have to think about with motherhood is the child itself. I know you feel like you want to give children to your partner, and perhaps you feel like if you fail in that then you will be letting him down. And maybe you even fear that if you can't give him children then you won't have any value in his life, and maybe he won't want to be with you. But he's still with you through all of your struggles so far so I wouldn't worry. Just continue to have honest conversations with him since he seems very open to all of this, and even has astral experiences with you. And if you two ever did go your separate ways, you can know for a fact that you did bring great value to his life and did give him one of the greatest gifts possible. Something you wanted to have safely for yourself in the middle ages, it sounds like. You gave him the gift of spirituality, and knowing Father Satan. I'm sure his soul is very grateful to you for that.

But back to my point. A woman's body is designed to create and gift a new body for a soul to live in. This is a perfected process designed by nature. You have to think of the child, and if you could ever make a body for a soul that would be of the quality that is naturally given by women. It's not only about giving a family to the man, but also about giving a life and a temple for a soul to live in. The soul will need this temple to work through and advance itself. If the quality of the temple won't be of the level that the soul needs, or if the temple is unnatural or in some way defective, then would this gift not be considered a curse? That's if you can even truly achieve this. I'm not trying to instill doubt, but we just don't know. I personally think these desires of gays, trannies, and others to give birth to children are unnatural and wrongheaded. I don't think it would be good for the soul.

It's not only about you. It's also about the child. Just remember that. I also encourage you to further explore the obsession(s) you have and where they are coming from. You say it's your own, but you were influenced for a long time by entities from what you said. That could come with its fair share of programming. You're going to have to really try hard to be objective and neutral, and to separate yourself from these feelings in order to analyze them in the moment. Programming doesn't go away in a single day, you know this. To be sure that you are in alignment with Truth both objectively and internally regarding yourself, you should really explore this as far as you can while asking yourself all of the tough questions no matter how painful or frightening.

It's good to have dreams and goals. But if this isn't ultimately what is best for you or even good for you then maybe it's time to consider dreaming a different dream. Letting go can be hard, but sometimes it leads to something much better and fulfilling.

 

[Jack]

Question - did your parents let the doctors perform surgery to remove the less developed genitalia and which genttalia did you have throughout your development or did you have both ?

Only male genitalia as far as I'm aware; my condition is pretty mild in that regard. There is a slight visual abnormality, but it was considered completely harmless and no surgery or even tests were performed. Even when I started growing breasts during puberty, I didn't seek out a doctor for that since I was happy about it, so I didn't even realise I might have an intersex condition until much later.

On a spiritual level, it seems like there might be slightly more to it. When doing things astrally, for example interacting with my partner through a form of telepathy, or by projecting out of my body, it feels as though I have a vagina, and I'm able to feel everything involving it in detail just like physical touch; on the other hand, my physical genitalia always felt kind of hollow somehow energetically. Perhaps this is a form of astral shapeshifting, but I don't actually even how to shapeshift like that. Therefore, I can only assume it's the result of my wish to change accumulating so much energy that it manifested astrally before manifesting in any other ways.

I do intend to have surgery. I've just been doing it astrally anyway with my partner, since I prefer that over the things I can currently do with him physically. At least if I physically change my genitalia, I'll have some use for them, and surgery is the best method available to me for that. I know it's rather taboo, but as long as it makes me happy, that doesn't really bother me, and I believe it will go well.

I'm rather surprised how many of my exes didn't even mind that I have male genitalia; one of them even considered herself a lesbian, although I turned out to be rather incompatible with her for other reasons (she was too sadistic for me, and I realised I prefer guys).

Okay so for clarification - you have male genitalia and no vagina ,with breasts ? And you're considering removing the Male genitalia with Vaginoplasty ?

 

[Jrvan]

...

I used to think the same as you not that long ago about what it actually means to be male, and it confused me greatly. I also used to be confused over what it meant to be a female, but I eventually worked that out. Then I was still left with the male problem and what it all means, and I didn't feel resolved internally until I figured it out and made my peace with it. Part of it for me was wounding. Being told what I can and can't do as a male, being shamed for this or that, not being allowed to express myself or my emotions, and feeling like my destiny was to be forced into being a carbon copy factory churned stone cold robot who just pays the bills and shuts up. Men aren't allowed to express themselves, and that's the biggest problem with all of it. I agree with the clothing thing, male clothes are boring. Look at 16th century clothing and you'll see how pathetic modern male wardrobes are. It's also emotions as we all know, and I've talked at length about previously. I also like male singers who can hit the high notes. There's this one band I used to listen to a lot called "The Darkness," and the vocalist would sing in head voice all the time. I thought it was so cool.

However, I will give you a hint. Being a male fundamentally has nothing to do with how you express yourself. That simply blocks males from accessing the feminine and feeling alive by expressing their souls. But being male is something else... and this is something I personally struggled with to accept for a long time. It has a lot to do with ownership and dominance. Males are conquerors. It's what we do, and it's natural. We conquer a territory and then we secure it and defend it. Defense of the territory, defense of the women, defense of the tribe. Society currently has a big issue with male ownership thanks to brainwashed feminists. A woman naturally wants the man in her life to take ownership of her. This is perfectly fine. It means she trusts him to protect her. The woman gives the man a family, and then the man protects the family that she gives him. This doesn't make the woman livestock as the deranged feminists claim, but a big part of overcoming this resistance towards malehood is dealing with this problem that we have thanks to those crazies about a woman being the property of the male. Society cringes at that idea right now, and it's understandable because of how males behaved towards women under xian influence through the centuries. Those are deep old wounds that the jews inflicted, but hardly anyone knows it was the jews. I digress. Back on the point... Dominance, ownership, defending the homeland, protecting what belongs to you. These are all things that fundamentally have to do with being a man. Obviously this is all from a heterosexual perspective, but it still applies to everyone regardless. It's an inherent thing for anyone with a male soul no matter what their sexual orientation is. Butting our heads against this is what causes this great inner confusion that many face, I strongly believe.

Gay, Bi, whatever. The male still will feel a responsibility towards his homeland and family, and the need to protect them as well as anything that belongs to him. It's natural for those who aren't disconnected from their true nature due to societal conditioning and brainwashing. Remember that keyword: ownership. Make your peace with that word, and know that it's okay to possess things. Nobody can stop you as long as you have the might to protect it once you have made it yours. Also if you didn't know this, there were Legionnaires who were gay or bi and it was known.

Males are also the deliverers of justice. It is usually primarily men who are most concerned with justice and calling out injustice in society. Men are responsible for defending, maintaining, and keeping society safe and righteous. It's not that women can't fulfill these roles as well if they want to, but these things are very important and close to the male spirit.

Something you also have to think about with motherhood is the child itself. I know you feel like you want to give children to your partner, and perhaps you feel like if you fail in that then you will be letting him down. And maybe you even fear that if you can't give him children then you won't have any value in his life, and maybe he won't want to be with you. But he's still with you through all of your struggles so far so I wouldn't worry. Just continue to have honest conversations with him since he seems very open to all of this, and even has astral experiences with you. And if you two ever did go your separate ways, you can know for a fact that you did bring great value to his life and did give him one of the greatest gifts possible. Something you wanted to have safely for yourself in the middle ages, it sounds like. You gave him the gift of spirituality, and knowing Father Satan. I'm sure his soul is very grateful to you for that.

But back to my point. A woman's body is designed to create and gift a new body for a soul to live in. This is a perfected process designed by nature. You have to think of the child, and if you could ever make a body for a soul that would be of the quality that is naturally given by women. It's not only about giving a family to the man, but also about giving a life and a temple for a soul to live in. The soul will need this temple to work through and advance itself. If the quality of the temple won't be of the level that the soul needs, or if the temple is unnatural or in some way defective, then would this gift not be considered a curse? That's if you can even truly achieve this. I'm not trying to instill doubt, but we just don't know. I personally think these desires of gays, trannies, and others to give birth to children are unnatural and wrongheaded. I don't think it would be good for the soul.

It's not only about you. It's also about the child. Just remember that. I also encourage you to further explore the obsession(s) you have and where they are coming from. You say it's your own, but you were influenced for a long time by entities from what you said. That could come with its fair share of programming. You're going to have to really try hard to be objective and neutral, and to separate yourself from these feelings in order to analyze them in the moment. Programming doesn't go away in a single day, you know this. To be sure that you are in alignment with Truth both objectively and internally regarding yourself, you should really explore this as far as you can while asking yourself all of the tough questions no matter how painful or frightening.

It's good to have dreams and goals. But if this isn't ultimately what is best for you or even good for you then maybe it's time to consider dreaming a different dream. Letting go can be hard, but sometimes it leads to something much better and fulfilling.

"Responsibility" has always been a word I dislike a bit. Not because I don't like taking responsibility for the things that are really important to me; in fact, I love to. But because it often felt like people were trying to force it on me when I didn't want it.
More precisely, it's other people's expectations of me that I always really struggled with.

To others it must've looked as though I was constantly switching between being an overachiever and an underachiever. For a school assignment many years ago, I had to review a piece of classical music of my choice. I happened to hear a really beautiful classical piece on the radio, and bought a CD of it. I was so moved by it, that I poetically paraphrased the themes of the song, how each distinct part of it made me feel, and what kind of visuals it evoked, and handed it in for the assignment. I was the first person to get a perfect grade for that assignment in all of this teacher's years, and since then he's used it as an example of a "perfect review" in his classes. Now the students who knew me back then probably think I'm some kind of musical genius, even though I just happened to like that piece a lot and wanted to write about it. I've never even reviewed another song since then, since that isn't really something I'm interested in.

For another assignment, I had to pick a random subject and write a paper about it. I chose a rather complicated mathematical subject that I'd been wondering about for a few years and went all out on it, and found many fascinating relations between seemingly unrelated mathematical functions, as well as ways to utilise them. The teacher had to send it to university to get it checked because it was above his own level, and it came back with a perfect grade, after which it was again shown to all the classes the next years as a "perfect research paper". At a school party, like 8 guys from different classes came up to me to offer me alcohol, asking me questions like when I'm going to solve one of the million dollar maths problems, and what I would do if they invested 100k in me. How am I even supposed to answer that? I didn't even know yet what kind of work I wanted to do, and there's a reason why those problems are unanswered despite having such a large bounty. I just happened to be interested in the topic I wrote the paper about. That's all.

Even when people didn't approach me directly, I still felt the weight of their expectations, while knowing that I can't / don't want to live up to them. I just want to do whatever seems interesting to me, like I've always done. At times, this was enough to make me depressed as I felt so inadequate compared to what people expected from me, leading me to get low grades because I couldn't focus anymore.

The expectations people had of me for being male were also something that weighed on me heavily, or so I thought. But even when people started to perceive me as a woman, they still had so many expectations of me; that's why I felt so inadequate for years. In the end, I realised that all I needed all along was someone with realistic expectations of me who loves me as I really am, such as my fiancé. What strangers think doesn't really matter. It's not like they're going to kill me in this day and age just for not adhering to stereotypes.

As for conquering and ownership, my ideal has always been to give my everything to someone I love, and receive their everything in return. It's a mutual thing. Just as I would fight with everything I have in order to protect the person I love, I expect him to do the same for me as well. But this could simply be explained by my astrological placements which put a heavy emphasis on such things, rather than whether I'm male or female. Is it really so unusual for a woman to be protective over her partner? I wouldn't think so, looking at Tabby. In the end, isn't this too just one of the expectations people have, that doesn't always hold up?

Many of the things that are attributed to being male or female are really just so arbitrary. I just happen to like many of the things people associate with being a woman. That's just how I am as a person, and how I fit into this society's arbitrary standards.
A few weeks after I dedicated, before I did that working that changed how I feel deep down, I did past life regression for the first time, because I wanted to understand why I want to be female, and felt like the past might hold the answers. That's when I remembered my trauma, and partially overcame it as I realised people wouldn't kill me just for being a gay guy these days. Then I began to wonder what I would do differently if I was a guy, and the answer I found was... "nothing". I would still want all the same things I want now, just worry a bit less about living up to some arbitrary standard of a "woman". It was a bizarre realisation.

I actually mentioned to my partner that I wondered if maybe I was just a guy deep down, that just happens to like having breasts, wearing feminine clothes, having a cute voice, having long hair, using hormone supplements since they help with my skin, bone, hair and breast health, and wants to have surgery because it would make sex more convenient for me as I find anal sex a bit icky. He was shocked and reacted very negatively, saying he hopes I'm joking, because he's straight and there's no way he could love a guy. I asked him what difference it makes; am I not still the same person deep down, with the exact same looks? He said it makes all the difference. I panicked and backpedaled, saying that maybe he's right and I'm really just a woman deep down, and explaining that I only thought about this because it felt like a burden to live up to such a standard, and I wondered if considering myself a guy might make things a bit easier on me mentally, but that I actually like being called a woman anyway, so it may have been a silly thought.

A few weeks later, he brought it up again, saying he thought about it more and realised that things like "gay" or "straight" are only stupid labels; that he loves me for who I am, and that that includes my body as well. If I really wanted to call myself a guy, he would be fine with that. I had also thought about it more, in particular what I want in the future, and I realised I would prefer to be female if it's at all possible, for example in my future lifetimes; so I said I think I prefer being called a woman after all. Then when that working I did had the side effect of making me not feel ashamed of my dick anymore, I asked him if he could touch it; but due to it feeling like it's inside out, it was so uncomfortable that I started crying so he stopped. But he didn't seem to mind it himself. Whereas he used to have a clear preference for me having surgery, it seems like he would embrace me completely now, even my male parts down there. When I asked him about it recently, he said he just wants me to feel comfortable in my body, and that he hopes surgery will help me with that.

I truly believe my fiancé and I are perfect for each other, even regardless of what sex I am. As such, I have no intention of separating ways with him; that would only be a waste. And to be honest, he doesn't actually even seem that interested in having children. When his niece stayed over last year, he said children can be such a pain to deal with at times, and I suppose he isn't exactly wrong. That I felt so inadequate for being unable to provide him with children... Perhaps that feeling was a bit misplaced.

But a few months after I did that working, I became more aware of my own child wish. Creating a human life from within me with the person I love, nourishing it and helping him or her grow into a full-fledged person someday, to create a happy family; that just seems like such a beautiful thing to me. I want to do it. I have an urge to. Do you think that's... strange?

Someone on the forums recommended that I try to reach out to Lilith, but I felt very nervous. If She's the exaltation of the feminine divine, and the patron of strong women, then what would She think of an incomplete mix like me, with all my shortcomings? As I worried about that, to the point of tearing up, I suddenly felt a very powerful, feminine, motherly presence, and it felt like She was trying to tell me not to worry so much. Then She appeared to me again more clearly in the evening, and I asked some questions. It felt as though She was trying to reassure me that wanting to be a mother is nothing to be ashamed of at all. The next morning, five butterflies landed near me, four peacock butterflies and one monarch; perhaps a sign alluding to how Lilith is said to be the "favourite of Satan's five wives" (I don't know whether this is literal or allegorical, but it's mentioned on Her page on JoS).

While I know not to take such experiences at face value, it still made me think. I realised that if this is truly something that I want, then I should go about it as seriously as possible, and do everything I can to make sure that the life I create is beautiful and healthy. Just as I aced that music review and mathematical research paper because I was passionate about them, if I want to bring life into this world, then I will aim to create flawless circumstances for it to grow within my body and Soul, and a flawless environment for my children to grow up in. That's the least I can do, and it's not something I take lightly anymore. That's why I agree now that artificial wombs aren't something that humanity needs. Even if I'll defy expectations, I should at least do it properly, and properly be a mother for my child.

As for whether it's possible, while I've never seen it for myself, I've seen some people here claim that those who have completed a certain step of the Magnum Opus are able to regrow lost limbs. Limbs are normally only grown during the early stages of fetal development, just like reproductive organs, and under normal circumstances they won't end up growing if they were absent at birth, nor will they regrow if they were lost. The Y chromosome is very small and mainly just contains the SRY gene, of which the only function is to turn the ovaries into testes. The testes then produce anti-Müllerian hormone which prevent the development of a uterus, as well as testosterone. The testosterone then gets metabolised into dihydrotestosterone, which causes the labia to fuse to form a scrotum, and causes the clitoris to grow into a penis while redirecting the urethra through it. There is at least one documented case of a person with XY chromosomes with a condition called complete androgen insensitivity (which makes the body completely unresponsive to testosterone and dihydrotestosterone), who also happened not to produce enough anti-Müllerian hormone, causing her to be be born with a vagina, internal testes, and a tiny womb. Through female hormone therapy in adulthood, her womb grew to full size, and she was able to bear children and give birth to twins with the help of an egg donor and her husband's sperm.

In other words, if it's possible to regrow body parts from early fetal development, like people claim is possible with the help of a certain step of the Magnum Opus, and I manage to reach such a point, then it's only a matter of deactivating or inhibiting the SRY gene in my body. Doing so would cause me to grow a uterus and ovaries, as well as the necessary connective structures, which would grow to full size under the effects of estrogen, which I can get from hormone therapy. It's also possible that this step of the Magnum Opus (regrowing lost body parts) can be activated biologically instead with the help of advanced medical technology. As for the spiritual requirements for creating and growing a Soul inside of me, if it turns out that I do not meet them already, then I can try to work towards a point where I do. Perhaps I would even receive help with that if I need it, as long as I'm truly serious about this.

It's true that I still don't understand where some of my wishes come from. For example, I can't explain well why I want to have children. But if you want to have children too, then... can you explain it? Can you explain why you believe your child wish is "right", and why my child wish is "wrong"? Sorry for putting it in such a blunt way, I know that's probably not what you really mean here. But what I mean to say is, is it not simply in a person's nature to be driven by certain desires? Have I lost the right to say that, because my nature changed?

Although it's enjoyable to indulge my obsessions, and it has often led me to achieve things that others considered impressive, I'll take heed to what you said about programming. It's true that I was hardly even a person until a few years ago; I was always controlled by my surroundings, whether it was other people or the planets and stars. That said, since I dedicated, I've often thought about how I want to proceed in the future; letting go of my past, my connections with other people, and as many preconceptions as I can of what it even means to be a man or a woman, just focusing on what circumstances make me the happiest. But each time, I conclude again that the ideal future I want, is no different from me being a woman in just about every way; and even if hypothetically that isn't possible, then I still prefer the way I am now over trying to go back.

I asked my Guardian for advice as well a week after I dedicated, but all I could make out is that I should try to be more masculine. I asked if that meant I shouldn't have surgery, but I didn't sense a reply. I didn't know what to do with that information at first, but after I did a Sun Square last year to further strengthen my will and sense of self, I started to realise what She meant. No matter what I am, I should never reject any part of myself. Rather than worrying if I'm too masculine or feminine, I should just do what I really want to without overthinking it so much. Whether people perceive that as male or female is only their observation, and what people think of me will never change what I truly am: myself. So I should always be true to myself, because that's all I am and all I need to be.

Until then, I was so out of touch with my masculine side that it was a detriment to my spiritual power and health. Simply by no longer rejecting it, I became stronger both spiritually and as a person, and I even felt much more energetic and healthier physically. I used to be afraid that if I was too masculine, that would make me more "male", and undo all of my hard work towards becoming more "female". But now I realise that none of those things change what I am anyway. I'm not afraid anymore.

Earlier this year, I asked my Guardian for advice again. I asked Her if my decision to become female is efficient and worthwhile, and if it will lead to a good future for me. She said that while it wasn't the only path I could've taken, it's still one of the paths that will make me fulfilled in the long term. I asked if surgery would have bad consequences for me. I saw visions of the future, showing that there would be no complications, and I could tell that I would be happy with the results. I asked what She meant when She said a year ago that I should try to be more masculine, and She explained that I should accept both sides of myself regardless of what I am or what my body is like; to reject either side would only make me unbalanced and incomplete, and hinder my spiritual growth. I also asked why She didn't answer when I asked a year ago whether I should have surgery or not, and She said that I shouldn't ask someone to make that decision for me; I should think for myself about what I want to do and follow through, and I'll be fine either way.

I hope it's not an issue that I wrote such a long wall of text; I just felt like addressing everything you brought up, in detail.
When it comes down to it, all I can do is my best; that is sufficient. Rather than feeling pressured to live up to anything, I will strive towards the things I want deep down, and if I achieve them, then that's wonderful; but even if I get stuck on anything, my fiancé and my Guardian Demoness will still be there for me. When it comes down to it, that's all I really need anyway.

It sounds like you have meditated on this a lot. If this is the path you have chosen then I wish you luck. The only concern I have is if you will be able to achieve the Magnum Opus if your sexual organs are surgically altered. I just don't know how that will affect you. If it's not an obstacle then I suppose it's fine, but I would suggest talking to the High Priest about it privately and perhaps even Satan. At least on this particular point. It's something to make sure about.

About children. I've heard it said that the role of non-heteros in society (in a family sense) was watching, helping, guiding, and protecting the children of others. Being aunts/uncles, cousins, and role models in the family. By not having children of their own, they were also unlimited in their capacity to make other contributions to society. Parents contribute with new life for the nation, and raising them to adulthood. People who don't invest their time into becoming parents have the ability to invest it elsewhere. It sounds like you're a very gifted intellectual, and you could pursue many paths outside of parenting. Just something to think about.

And yes, society has poor ideas of what it means to be a man or a woman. Being a man isn't supposed to mean being an unfeeling stone. Men need to be free to express themselves without being shamed out of it. Without expression we may as well all be dead inside like greys. Just empty worker drones like the jews want us to be. Men need more color in their lives. That's my firm belief.

People sometimes get weirded out by my expressiveness because I can be bubbly and excited, and at times I seem more like a happy-go-lucky puppy than a "man" in the modern sense. I giggle, make silly jokes, and I'm not concerned with how it appears to others. I just don't think about it. I know I'm having more fun than the people who are resistant to it so rather than feeling ashamed or self conscious, if I have to think about it then I would just feel pity for those who can't handle it. I love exploring, experimenting and trying new things. The only limit on my self expression is really just finances. If I had loads more of disposable income then I'd be having even more fun. Poverty sucks.

And if it came to protecting the ones I love then I'd seem like a completely different person, and people would see a different side of me.

 

[Aquarius]

Best of luck to you Meteor

 

[tabby]

HPS Maxine: Satan told me “There are some who are fanatics and take this to extremes.” By this he meant abstinence and celibacy which he confirmed are VERY UNHEALTHY.

https://satanisgod.org/www.angelfire.com/empire/serpentis666/Step_3.html

Transgender-ism surgery is permanent and irreversible sexual celibacy.

The jew knows that sex is very important to Humans - and not just because it feels nice. It's much more important than just that. The jew knows it is very important, so it promotes and encourages - and now brainwashes and mindrapes in school and further afield in society - this acceptance and die-versity. With transexuals having extremely little, or no, ability to reproduce, the jew is getting a small percentage of its wet dream fulfilled. From what I have seen, this tends to be more prevalent in White people, but I think to a lesser degree also in some Asian; Asians far out-number Whites, so I think the percentage is higher in the White population than Asian. From what I've seen, I don't think very many at all appear in the Black population.

I am thinking that due to so many centuries of jewish disease - hating sex, abusing Humans, etc. - upon Earth, that any individuals' dysphoria or as in the OP supposedly seeing themself as the opposite sex in meditation... is due to the individual's Sacral Chakra being so dirty. I will take this further and suggest - as a guess - that due to the Sacral Chakra being so dirty, in one way or another, to one extreme or another, individually, that that also has caused hermaphroditism, inter-sex, whatever you want to call it.

Obviously, the mental and psychological problems in some people, whether transsexual or merely transvestite, I think is due to dirty Sacral Chakra, heaps of curses upon Humans from the jew, etc. For non-sex-"changes", i.e. for transvestitism, I might reserve judgement, that a healthy person who fancies dressing themself up as the opposite sex, for a fun skit, for acting in a play, or for their own sexual pleasure (i.e. in homosexual couples, sometimes it appears that one tends to be masculine and the other feminine), this might not be unhealthy - (you know - what you do in the bedroom is your own private business...) but it is impossible for me to know if everyone is healthy or not, so I'd just leave them to it.

I don't know, but I would suggest, that if I am correct in this regarding the Physical hermaphroditism/inter-sex happenings in the womb, that individuals should clean the feck out of their Second/Sacral Chakra. Along with that, their corresponding paired Throat Chakra. Of course, all Soul and Chakra work needs to be done properly anyway, but for individuals like these, I would say these two Chakras especially.

If, for example Meteor or anyone else, knows if this is the case, due to working on themselves, etc., then please let me know if I am correct or not. I'd appreciate that. Again - if I am incorrect, then working on these two Chakras would still benefit the individual regardless.

I like how you wrote "die-versity". I might just borrow that from now on whenever idiots talk about it being a good thing.

Could also be entity influence as well, regarding seeing oneself as a different gender astrally or desiring to be a different gender. During my teen years when I was going through depression and sexuality confusion, I had dreams where I saw myself as a male and sometimes getting it on with a girl in a male body. When you're confused and distressed about things, you're easy pickings for entities and thoughtforms to target you. I've imagined what my male self would look like in meditation, but thanks to a lot of spiritual healing, I have no desire to trade my female body or femininity to be male or unrealistically masculine, and instead use such visualizations to heal the different sides of my soul - and that's what a lot of these crazies need, not surgery or pills, but spiritual healing.

As for intersex bodies, I talked a little to Nimrod33 about my thoughts on that with reincarnation. However regarding the actual creation of an intersex body itself before the soul fuses with it, I think could do with imbalances, dirt, and even karma of the parents - considering being clean and well as a parent ensures better chances of your child being born with less risk of biological problems to begin with since they would grow surrounded within clean energies of the mother. Children who are born when the mother is in a bad way, unclean energetically, the environment they're in is negative, something's wrong spiritually, etc, the child can end up having health problems manifest since their growing in the womb surrounded by negative energy. It'd be like trying to heal in an environment that's the equivalent of a polluted city. As for the father, if their own energies are out of balance, or something's wrong with their lower chakras, that would likely reflect within the sperm that creates that child in the first place just like the ovum of the mother. So I guess there's five things happening there that could contribute to the abnormalities of a person's biology: 1) mother's spiritual and physical condition, 2) father's spiritual and physical condition, 3) environment, 4) the child's soul, and of course 5) enemy influence and/or curses.

I don't know this for certain, just giving my thoughts on it.

What's interesting regarding clothes, look to ancient clothing from different countries. There are many cases where males also wore what we would consider today as "feminine clothes" such as skirts, dresses, stockings, heels, wigs and makeup, and some types of robes. Look up Chinese hanfu, or early 1700's men's wear from Europe and you'll see what I mean. It's only strange to us today that a male would wear such things because those styles changed drastically due to a number of factors ranging from social norms, industrial revolution, religion, wars, politics, and the enemy. What I find even weirder is that people freak out when a male wears anything considered "girly" or "gay" but a women can wear a men's suit and all is fine. It's kinda depressing since men's clothing use to be so lavish and beautiful, now it's just bland and monotone. (Don't mind me just reminiscing over the craftsmanship people had regarding clothing back in the day).

 

[SouthernWhiteGentile]

This is Groundhog Day at this point. Another meaningless wall of text about your genitals and weird gender identity. Enough already. I’m not even trying to be rude but this needs to stop as it is only causing more confusion for everyone else involved. This has been going on for many months with hundreds of posts being made across different threads of discussion and still no one is ever any closer to an understanding and there is no end in sight. It’s like you are purposefully trying to not get what people are saying. You parade around here like a circus freak writing incessantly about you dick-pussy I just see it as attention whoring and snowflake syndrome now.

 

[tabby]

This is Groundhog Day at this point. Another meaningless wall of text about your genitals and weird gender identity. Enough already. I’m not even trying to be rude but this needs to stop as it is only causing more confusion for everyone else involved. This has been going on for many months with hundreds of posts being made across different threads of discussion and still no one is ever any closer to an understanding and there is no end in sight. It’s like you are purposefully trying to not get what people are saying. You parade around here like a circus freak writing incessantly about you dick-pussy I just see it as attention whoring and snowflake syndrome now.

Don't be a dick, dude. Talking about this particular thing in a place with there's spiritual knowledge can provide better help for Meteor to work through this and find the best solution to a fulfilling life. Meteor isn't a trannie, and it's only confusing to us because intersex is not well understood in the first place. It may be just a wall of text to you, but we're trying to help make this all far less tangled for Meteor by providing a place where she can talk about this and receive advice.

Since you don't meditate, I would suggest at least not trying to make things worse for her by calling her a circus freak when she's in the middle of untangling this and healing.

 

[Jack]

Only male genitalia as far as I'm aware; my condition is pretty mild in that regard. There is a slight visual abnormality, but it was considered completely harmless and no surgery or even tests were performed. Even when I started growing breasts during puberty, I didn't seek out a doctor for that since I was happy about it, so I didn't even realise I might have an intersex condition until much later.

On a spiritual level, it seems like there might be slightly more to it. When doing things astrally, for example interacting with my partner through a form of telepathy, or by projecting out of my body, it feels as though I have a vagina, and I'm able to feel everything involving it in detail just like physical touch; on the other hand, my physical genitalia always felt kind of hollow somehow energetically. Perhaps this is a form of astral shapeshifting, but I don't actually even how to shapeshift like that. Therefore, I can only assume it's the result of my wish to change accumulating so much energy that it manifested astrally before manifesting in any other ways.

I do intend to have surgery. I've just been doing it astrally anyway with my partner, since I prefer that over the things I can currently do with him physically. At least if I physically change my genitalia, I'll have some use for them, and surgery is the best method available to me for that. I know it's rather taboo, but as long as it makes me happy, that doesn't really bother me, and I believe it will go well.

I'm rather surprised how many of my exes didn't even mind that I have male genitalia; one of them even considered herself a lesbian, although I turned out to be rather incompatible with her for other reasons (she was too sadistic for me, and I realised I prefer guys).

Okay so for clarification - you have male genitalia and no vagina ,with breasts ? And you're considering removing the Male genitalia with Vaginoplasty ?

Yes, that is correct; although the nice thing about vaginoplasty is that it actually repurposes a lot of tissues and nerves, so it feels more like I'm gaining something than like I'm losing something. I suppose for most people it would be a loss, though.

None of this fits into my worldview and I can't really piece together how any of this makes sense. So I can't comment on this any further. This is being dragged out to the logical end it seems. I hope you find peace in the next life though.

 

[Sundara]

Oftentimes when I go into a trance or even throughout the day my body astrally morphs to that of a womans. I physically feel like I have breasts and a vagina. My facial structure changes to a womans face, though a bit longer than my own and long blonde hair appears. (I have short dark hair)

The feeling is euphoric. It feels so much purer to be in that astral womans body than that or my own, though I dont have gender dysphoria nor do I feel like I would want to be in a womans body.

I just happened one day and the astral changing keeps happeneing. What is it and why?

On one hand it can be symbolic to the way you feel and coming into touch with certain qualities of yourself or it can be your guardian or a Goddess invocation, which can even sort of happen unintentionally. I’m very feminine in every way, and overall very straight, and I’ve never thought twice about relating strongly to males and am in touch with my “masculine side” don’t over think it. It has nothing to do with “gender identity” or dysmorphia.

 

[tabby]

On an unrelated note, I like the poem in your signature! I'm glad you found people you can trust.

Oh thanks!

 

[Aquarius]

If gender is in the Soul, then it doesn't seem like I really have one right now.

That's wishful thinking on your part. Your soul does have a gender, but you are confused about it.
I would ask the Gods about surgery if I were you, these aren't things to take lightly, because if you suddenly change your mind after that surgery, then you will be fucked.
Best of luck.

 

[Jack]

If gender is in the Soul, then it doesn't seem like I really have one right now.

That's wishful thinking on your part. Your soul does have a gender, but you are confused about it.
I would ask the Gods about surgery if I were you, these aren't things to take lightly, because if you suddenly change your mind after that surgery, then you will be fucked.
Best of luck.

It's not her fault. It's the fault of her parents and the society as a whole which does not practice Eugenics and let's babies be born in this way ,due to misplaced Christian morality. Not everyone deserves to be born into this world.

 

[Jack]

That's wishful thinking on your part. Your soul does have a gender, but you are confused about it.
I would ask the Gods about surgery if I were you, these aren't things to take lightly, because if you suddenly change your mind after that surgery, then you will be fucked.
Best of luck.

It's not her fault. It's the fault of her parents and the society as a whole which does not practice Eugenics and let's babies be born in this way ,due to misplaced Christian morality. Not everyone deserves to be born into this world.

It's not like my parents knew either, so I don't blame them. In fact, I'm glad that I was born despite feeling out of place. It took a lot of effort, but lately I'm gradually finding a place in this world that makes sense to me and fulfils me. I also intuitively feel like this body accurately represents the issues I was dealing with in my past lives, so it's not like it was just a coincidence or misfortune.

That said, I've thought about it more, and no longer think I really "needed" a body like this, so I don't object to your point anymore. It's true that my karma would've made it difficult for me to reincarnate normally, but if the Gods believed preserving my life was worth the energy, perhaps They would have fixed me one way or another for me and reincarnated me into a normal body; although I would feel bad for not taking responsibility for my issues myself then.

Instead, this kind of body is a bit like a blank slate, giving me the opportunity to work these things out myself and put in the energy (both spiritually and physically) to manifest the kind of change I want in a tangible way myself. I think that's only fair. I would rather just do my best to work through all of this even if it's difficult, than idly blame others for my problems and complain that life is unfair.

The Gods do not make decisions for Human Beings in any capacity whatsoever. Humans who are ascended could be shown the advantage of a specific course of action but in the end Humans create their own problems and they solve it.

The Blank Slate doesn't exist. Even if you managed to physically become whatever you wanted to be through surgery ,the karma will still remain and will not be fixed. Karma is a mental-spiritual (Soul Memory) imprint of the continuous attachment of the Ego (Consciousness) with the other things such as Emotion, Action and Logic. Simply put if you've done something horrible or had a serious limiting belief ,on the karmic or the soul level you still believe that you are that way. The only way to get rid of Karma forever is to raise the Kundalini. I don't know the specific meditation but I can infer that it says that the Yogi shall bask in The Sea of Fire and having been purified of all his Karma ascend to Vishnus Sea of Eternal Calmness. The phrase could be code for the Kundalini rising itself or a different meditation after the rising. Whatever the case ,Advanced yogic arts is the only way. Nothing you do physically will solve the problem. It's like adding more Legos to the already assembled tower in a Lego set.

If you do not burn the Karma, you will be ever more confused in your next life and your physical body is going to be even more deformed. The suffering will continue and can only be fixed spiritually. You cannot accept a part of you which is a fake Spiritual imprint from previous lives.

There is no such thing as accepting both your male and female Gender sides. There is only one Gender side (real) and a fake side masquerading as real. It is this fake side that is projecting physical disabilities in your body. What happened is you've karmically accepted something you are not in some previous life. And that something is projecting you to be born deformed and to push towards something you will never be. It's a problem that's been created that wasn't there before and the pushing to become something you are not will still not work because you aren't that which is on the soul level. It's a circular doom of pain that never ends.

It's a dog chasing its own tail. It's not legitimate and you're chasing an illusion. The correct way to go about it is to identify which parts are fake and to permanently burn them with the kundalini fire. Ofcourse after Kundalini rising one will get aware of things they didn't know about themselves.

 

[Jack]

It's not like my parents knew either, so I don't blame them. In fact, I'm glad that I was born despite feeling out of place. It took a lot of effort, but lately I'm gradually finding a place in this world that makes sense to me and fulfils me. I also intuitively feel like this body accurately represents the issues I was dealing with in my past lives, so it's not like it was just a coincidence or misfortune.

That said, I've thought about it more, and no longer think I really "needed" a body like this, so I don't object to your point anymore. It's true that my karma would've made it difficult for me to reincarnate normally, but if the Gods believed preserving my life was worth the energy, perhaps They would have fixed me one way or another for me and reincarnated me into a normal body; although I would feel bad for not taking responsibility for my issues myself then.

Instead, this kind of body is a bit like a blank slate, giving me the opportunity to work these things out myself and put in the energy (both spiritually and physically) to manifest the kind of change I want in a tangible way myself. I think that's only fair. I would rather just do my best to work through all of this even if it's difficult, than idly blame others for my problems and complain that life is unfair.

The Gods do not make decisions for Human Beings in any capacity whatsoever. Humans who are ascended could be shown the advantage of a specific course of action but in the end Humans create their own problems and they solve it.

I agree, as this is also what my Guardian Demoness explained to me when I asked for Her opinion on what I should do. She made me aware of the advantages of different courses of action, but told me to decide for myself.

The Blank Slate doesn't exist. Even if you managed to physically become whatever you wanted to be through surgery ,the karma will still remain and will not be fixed. Karma is a mental-spiritual (Soul Memory) imprint of the continuous attachment of the Ego (Consciousness) with the other things such as Emotion, Action and Logic. Simply put if you've done something horrible or had a serious limiting belief ,on the karmic or the soul level you still believe that you are that way. The only way to get rid of Karma forever is to raise the Kundalini. I don't know the specific meditation but I can infer that it says that the Yogi shall bask in The Sea of Fire and having been purified of all his Karma ascend to Vishnus Sea of Eternal Calmness. The phrase could be code for the Kundalini rising itself or a different meditation after the rising. Whatever the case ,Advanced yogic arts is the only way. Nothing you do physically will solve the problem. It's like adding more Legos to the already assembled tower in a Lego set.

I had something like a Kundalini awakening experience last year, but it went horribly wrong since I wasn't ready for it in the slightest. I consider myself very fortunate that I was able to heal from the damage at all, and know that I owe my life to the Gods in that regard. Although several siddhis awakened which I'm still able to use to this day, I don't consider myself fully risen, and I'm very reluctant to make further progress with it, since I don't feel ready for it at all.

I've read here on the forums before (after I had that horrible experience) that hang-ups, blockages and generally things that are associated with karma need to be overcome before one raises the Kundalini, lest disaster ensues. Therefore, I strongly distrust your advice that raising my Kundalini should be my focus right now. I'm sure there are safer ways to burn my karma. I will, however, cautiously proceed with yoga like I have been, at the pace I feel comfortable with. Perhaps you meant that in the first place.

I agree that a solely physical solution wouldn't do. I need to overcome these problems on all levels, physical, mental and spiritual.
Only then will it truly be resolved.

There is no such thing as accepting both your male and female Gender sides. There is only one Gender side (real) and a fake side masquerading as real. It is this fake side that is projecting physical disabilities in your body. What happened is you've karmically accepted something you are not in some previous life. And that something is projecting you to be born deformed and to push towards something you will never be. It's a problem that's been created that wasn't there before and the pushing to become something you are not will still not work because you aren't that which is on the soul level. It's a circular doom of pain that never ends.

In my case, both are fake. That's the only conclusion I could reasonably arrive at when I faced my childhood memories after no longer rejecting any part of who I truly am. After coming to understand my true nature better, I realised I would likely have attempted to become male if I had been born into a female body, and I would've been happy about that too. I would've felt out of place either way, since I didn't just reject myself as a man or as a woman, but completely. I said my chart shows that I'm at odds with my masculinity, but "being at odds" is something that goes both ways. I've been at odds with my femininity just as much throughout this life.

Perhaps in the end, gender was something I used as a means to deal with my inner turmoil, and as I strained it so much throughout my lives, it ended up breaking; and then I lamented what I lost, even though it was the result of my own violent struggles.

Perhaps with that, you can understand what I meant when I said I want to become something. I want for my being as a whole to make enough sense that I can never blame my problems on what sex I am again. So even if I broke something, I'll do everything I can to make a proper replacement for it. Creating things takes a lot more work and energy than breaking them, so if I'm gonna do it, then I believe I should at least create it the way that suits me most.

I thought more about what you said about not taking past life memories too seriously, and I realised you're right. While the gist of what I remembered is seen in my chart, the details simply matched projections of whatever was on my mind at the time. As such, I have to admit that I can't even truly recognise anymore what I was supposed to be; all I see is a broken mess and mixture.

Reparation is only possible if you know what something was supposed to be, and I can't tell anymore. That's why I said that my true nature is currently both genders, or neither: because it has become a blend of two broken, incomplete halves. As such, all I can do is create something new to fill that hole. Even if it's fake for now no matter which I choose, it's still the first step to becoming whole again.

Perhaps it'll be easier than I expect, or maybe it will take me several lifetimes to succeed. Either way, I intend to take full responsibility for my issues, and will see it through to the end. What's important is stability, so what I truly need to overcome are the notions that it can be "wrong" for me to be a man or a woman just because it caused problems sometimes. Once I have a consistent gender, I need to stop thinking of it as something that is of use to me, and accept it as an immutable part of who I truly am in my Soul. I should treasure and protect it, until it becomes so ingrained in me that it can never be broken again.

The correct way to go about it is to identify which parts are fake and to permanently burn them with the kundalini fire.

This is something I've been focusing on lately. Rather than letting wishy-washy ideas about gender determine how I should act, I'll drop the act and behave as my true self. Rather than striving towards ideals based only on masculinity or femininity, I'll seek to improve myself in the ways I think are the most sensible and effective regardless of gender stereotypes. The moment I even think of behaving in a disingenuous manner just to meet people's expectations of me, I'll burn that feeling and lash out in the opposite direction.

I appreciate your advice, and will remain diligent in rejecting all that is false about me, and striving further towards personal growth. Even if I see ambiguity in myself and experience confusion, I'll do what it takes to ascertain which parts are true and which are false. That is the only way I can become true and complete, because so long as I entertain illusions about myself, I won't truly be anything.

The conclusions that you have arrived at is false and the reason is that you've accepted the premise that it is possible to have both genders subconsciously. This is called living in denial. It's the sane thing that you said if you were born with female genitals ,you would want to be male. This circular ring of pain will continue into the next life and Nothing will be changed.

There is only either or in respects to gender. It's not even a side but a mental imprint that is too strong that it's influencing the reincarnation process. This happens when one goes through extreme emotions and is forced to create an alternate personality to deal with the pain. Example - if a man if raped by another man ,in order to Psychologically process to pain he could think that he should have been a woman instead and that would be understandable. In the next life that strong mental imprint would force his soul to create a false transgender identity or a serious genetic disorder to physically manifest the desire. But that identity itself is false so no matter how much surgery he goes through he ends up in the same place - confused and suicidal.

It's the exact same thing for you. There is a false identity which needs to be removed. Karma cannot be erased by Tantric Workings. What the tantric workings do is to make it so that the karma does not influence the current life but its still present in the souls imprint (memory) and will influence the next life. What the Kundalini rising will do is give you an opportunity to acknowledge and resolve the previous lives emotional pain that is the basis of the false identity and make it so that it won't influence you again in the next life.

Stereotypes of masculinity and femininity have nothing to do with Genders. GENDER is defined by what your Genitals are and is the same as Sex. It was the Jewish Frankfurt School which came up with the idea of this theory that says that Gender is actually a stereotypical view of what biological sex is and can be different than sex. So if a man acts feminine, he is actually a woman which is ridiculous and delusional. Most of the Transgender youth aren't even suffering from Gender Dysphoria and the False identity. They are just ideologically different because they want to feel special than what they are (worthless losers who have no real value in life . )

A man who puts on lipstick will still be a man and a woman who powerlifts will still be a woman regardless of what the societal stereotypes are. The only black spot is the Genetic diseases which is a Eugenics issue and not a personal life choice issue or a gender issue.

In order to recognize and eliminate the false identity you have to raise the Kundalini and consult the Gods. Nothing short of that will fix the issue.

 

[Henu the Great]

I'll take your advice to heart and make a serious effort to continue raising my Kundalini from now on, even if I'm nervous. I'll just ask my Guardian to guide me and make sure I don't make any dangerous mistakes. Based on what you said, I at least have to do it in this lifetime if I want this shit to finally be over. At this point there are numerous imprints in both directions on my Soul, and the result is only meaningless turmoil.

First of all do not be afraid of the process.

Some advice that can help you in your journey.

Focus on freeing of the soul workings, plentifully. Remove obstacles so you can shine. Also all sorts of cleaning is to be done, the more the better, and purification circle plays a role in this. Aside from cleaning you'd want to unblock and empower chakras through meditation. All the while you master void meditation. The longer you can stay voided, the better.

Once these are on the "master level" your progress with Kundalini should be almost painless, if not completely painless.

 

[Henu the Great]

I'll take your advice to heart and make a serious effort to continue raising my Kundalini from now on, even if I'm nervous. I'll just ask my Guardian to guide me and make sure I don't make any dangerous mistakes. Based on what you said, I at least have to do it in this lifetime if I want this shit to finally be over. At this point there are numerous imprints in both directions on my Soul, and the result is only meaningless turmoil.

First of all do not be afraid of the process.

Some advice that can help you in your journey.

Focus on freeing of the soul workings, plentifully. Remove obstacles so you can shine. Also all sorts of cleaning is to be done, the more the better, and purification circle plays a role in this. Aside from cleaning you'd want to unblock and empower chakras through meditation. All the while you master void meditation. The longer you can stay voided, the better.

Once these are on the "master level" your progress with Kundalini should be almost painless, if not completely painless.

You're right, being afraid would only sabotage the process. I'll use void meditation to let go of my fears.

Cleaning, void meditation and protection have been my primary focus for the past year, as I realised clarity, control and stability are what I need the most if I want to avoid a repeat of what happened last year. But empowerment is something I've been holding back with, as I was afraid of getting overwhelmed and losing control despite my efforts. But looking at it rationally, I should be able to handle it by now, and even if I do start to feel overwhelmed, I can use void meditation to calm down.

I've considered Freeing the Soul workings, but I'm unsure what I'm supposed to free myself of. Since intent is what matters, wouldn't I need to know what obstacle to overcome in order to overcome it successfully? Whenever I notice any obstacle, I just deal with it directly, and whenever I notice an attachment to something negative, I begin to detach from it immediately, programming my aura to block it out. I don't usually see a need to perform a working for such things. Would a working to free myself from "obstacles that prevent the rising of the serpent" work, or is that too generic if I can't imagine what such obstacles might be like?

If you have any suggestions or recommendations for such workings, please let me know.

Well, I would look at what past life things are hanging on that are unneccessarily holding you back. Could be anything, you should know them. On natal chart it could be debilitated or weakened planets or houses by the influence of Neptune and/or Saturn. Or by some fixed star. All of us have these, more or less.

What you mentioned sounds very generic, but it could still work to a degree. However it's best to target specific issue(s).

 

[Henu the Great]

You're right, being afraid would only sabotage the process. I'll use void meditation to let go of my fears.

Cleaning, void meditation and protection have been my primary focus for the past year, as I realised clarity, control and stability are what I need the most if I want to avoid a repeat of what happened last year. But empowerment is something I've been holding back with, as I was afraid of getting overwhelmed and losing control despite my efforts. But looking at it rationally, I should be able to handle it by now, and even if I do start to feel overwhelmed, I can use void meditation to calm down.

I've considered Freeing the Soul workings, but I'm unsure what I'm supposed to free myself of. Since intent is what matters, wouldn't I need to know what obstacle to overcome in order to overcome it successfully? Whenever I notice any obstacle, I just deal with it directly, and whenever I notice an attachment to something negative, I begin to detach from it immediately, programming my aura to block it out. I don't usually see a need to perform a working for such things. Would a working to free myself from "obstacles that prevent the rising of the serpent" work, or is that too generic if I can't imagine what such obstacles might be like?

If you have any suggestions or recommendations for such workings, please let me know.

Well, I would look at what past life things are hanging on that are unneccessarily holding you back. Could be anything, you should know them. On natal chart it could be debilitated or weakened planets or houses by the influence of Neptune and/or Saturn. Or by some fixed star. All of us have these, more or less.

What you mentioned sounds very generic, but it could still work to a degree. However it's best to target specific issue(s).

Thank you for your advice. As I thought, it's best to work with something specific in mind. Thanks to your suggestions, I have some ideas now of what issues I can work on freeing myself from.

*Bows with prayer mudra*

 

[Jack]

...

...

Both of you stated that you believe I'm wrong to think that I'm both sexes on the Soul level. But as I thought, my intuition regarding that was actually correct.

There is a reason why people normally always reincarnate in bodies of the same sex. There is also a way to bypass this if you thoroughly manipulate the reincarnation process, although I wouldn't advise this even if one is capable of it, as there are consequences.

The reason why people reincarnate in bodies of the same sex each life, is that by being born into a physical body of a certain sex and living in it, this becomes a part of who they are on the Soul level. After it has become a part of who they are, during reincarnation they will very heavily gravitate towards a body of the sex they were before.

Then what do you think happens when, through unnatural causes, someone is reincarnated with a body of a sex they weren't before? Those who feel particularly attached to what they were in their previous lives may insist their entire life that they are or are supposed to be the sex opposite of what they physically are, whereas others may make peace with it and accept what they have physically become as what they truly are. But regardless of how they decide to deal with it mentally, it becomes a part of who they are on the Soul level, and suddenly, such people might start to feel out of place and confused about their gender no matter what kind of body they reincarnate into next, as in their Soul they are now partially both.

I've always been quick to blame problems caused by others on myself, and that includes problems due to sexism. That's because this gives me the relieving sensation that I'm in control, and that I can do something to improve the situation. This kind of thinking led me to attempt to escape the discrimination and trauma I faced in my past lives as my birth sex by pretending to be the other sex instead, for example by crossdressing as a man or a woman. That didn't work very well during the middle ages and often led to my demise, which further reinforced karma related to accepting or expressing my gender, no matter which it is; although I've come a long way in overcoming that already by now.

Aside from this, in some lifetimes I would also (or "instead", if I realised how dangerous it was to crossdress near xians) use psychic abilities to do things that affected the reincarnation process to such an extent that I would be born as the other sex again in the next life, whether I was aware of reincarnation or not. In some cases, this may have been a consequence of escapism I enacted astrally, which I took way too far.

That's why I felt an attachment to being male, as well as an attachment to being female, as I've been both before due to my actions, and also why I ended up reincarnating into a body that is physically slightly in-between; yet, felt a lot of fear about properly expressing myself as either. This lifetime, as usual, I blamed the sexism I faced on what sex I was perceived as, and when I became depressed, I blamed that on what I am. This caused me to mostly let go of my attachment to being male, and cling to my attachment to being female instead. That's why the part of my body that is still male feels so wrong to me now, and why the lack of female parts there is so deeply unsettling; but the latter was already the case to begin with ever since I was born.

Since I was little, I felt like I was missing something important. I've realised now that regardless of what sex I was born as, that would've been "the genitalia I don't (physically) have", as both are a part of who I am due to my past lives. Now that I've let go of my attachment to being male as I rejected it so strongly while growing up, all that is missing are the female parts. That's why I won't lament the loss of male genitalia, and why having surgery would greatly alleviate the unsettling feeling I had since I was little that I'm missing something, as it will partially give me what I lacked. Even if it's "incomplete" in the sense that I can't actually use it to create life yet, I'm sure it'll be a huge relief for me anyway.

Does that sound unbelievable? Rather than asking you why you find that unbelievable, I actually think it's good if you cling to the notion that people are always born as the same sex in each life, as it protects you from the extent of gender confusion and related turmoil I went through. As for me, I have to accept what I did, so that I can learn from it and move on from the mess I created, in the most positive way for me. I can't afford to live in denial of reality, or ignore my Guardian's advice if I want to deal with this properly, even if that means to admit that I broke the "rules" and suffered for it.

I now know precisely what I need to free myself from in order to prevent yet another repeat of this in future lifetimes; that matters more than whether or not you believe the truth about what I am.

None of this is true. The reason why everyone gets born into the same sex is because Sex and Gender is in the Soul. The only reason why someone is born deformed is because they've been heavily traumatized and that trauma through emotional projection is causing epigenetic changes in development of the baby. Meaning some part of the deformities are of the Will to Change of the Trauma.

The race of Human beings do not have functional Hermaphrodite beings and the souls. Any and all Hermaphrodites are Genetically diseased and need to be removed for Eugenics purposes as all the Ancient Religions like Spartans practiced.

There are Two Genders, Two Sexes and everything else is False.

 

[tabby]

...

...

Both of you stated that you believe I'm wrong to think that I'm both sexes on the Soul level. But as I thought, my intuition regarding that was actually correct.

There is a reason why people normally always reincarnate in bodies of the same sex. There is also a way to bypass this if you thoroughly manipulate the reincarnation process, although I wouldn't advise this even if one is capable of it, as there are consequences.

The reason why people reincarnate in bodies of the same sex each life, is that by being born into a physical body of a certain sex and living in it, this becomes a part of who they are on the Soul level. After it has become a part of who they are, during reincarnation they will very heavily gravitate towards a body of the sex they were before.

Then what do you think happens when, through unnatural causes, someone is reincarnated with a body of a sex they weren't before? Those who feel particularly attached to what they were in their previous lives may insist their entire life that they are or are supposed to be the sex opposite of what they physically are, whereas others may make peace with it and accept what they have physically become as what they truly are. But regardless of how they decide to deal with it mentally, it becomes a part of who they are on the Soul level, and suddenly, such people might start to feel out of place and confused about their gender no matter what kind of body they reincarnate into next, as in their Soul they are now partially both.

I've always been quick to blame problems caused by others on myself, and that includes problems due to sexism. That's because this gives me the relieving sensation that I'm in control, and that I can do something to improve the situation. This kind of thinking led me to attempt to escape the discrimination and trauma I faced in my past lives as my birth sex by pretending to be the other sex instead, for example by crossdressing as a man or a woman. That didn't work very well during the middle ages and often led to my demise, which further reinforced karma related to accepting or expressing my gender, no matter which it is; although I've come a long way in overcoming that already by now.

Aside from this, in some lifetimes I would also (or "instead", if I realised how dangerous it was to crossdress near xians) use psychic abilities to do things that affected the reincarnation process to such an extent that I would be born as the other sex again in the next life, whether I was aware of reincarnation or not. In some cases, this may have been a consequence of escapism I enacted astrally, which I took way too far.

That's why I felt an attachment to being male, as well as an attachment to being female, as I've been both before due to my actions, and also why I ended up reincarnating into a body that is physically slightly in-between; yet, felt a lot of fear about properly expressing myself as either. This lifetime, as usual, I blamed the sexism I faced on what sex I was perceived as, and when I became depressed, I blamed that on what I am. This caused me to mostly let go of my attachment to being male, and cling to my attachment to being female instead. That's why the part of my body that is still male feels so wrong to me now, and why the lack of female parts there is so deeply unsettling; but the latter was already the case to begin with ever since I was born.

Since I was little, I felt like I was missing something important. I've realised now that regardless of what sex I was born as, that would've been "the genitalia I don't (physically) have", as both are a part of who I am due to my past lives. Now that I've let go of my attachment to being male as I rejected it so strongly while growing up, all that is missing are the female parts. That's why I won't lament the loss of male genitalia, and why having surgery would greatly alleviate the unsettling feeling I had since I was little that I'm missing something, as it will partially give me what I lacked. Even if it's "incomplete" in the sense that I can't actually use it to create life yet, I'm sure it'll be a huge relief for me anyway.

Does that sound unbelievable? Rather than asking you why you find that unbelievable, I actually think it's good if you cling to the notion that people are always born as the same sex in each life, as it protects you from the extent of gender confusion and related turmoil I went through. As for me, I have to accept what I did, so that I can learn from it and move on from the mess I created, in the most positive way for me. I can't afford to live in denial of reality, or ignore my Guardian's advice if I want to deal with this properly, even if that means to admit that I broke the "rules" and suffered for it.

I now know precisely what I need to free myself from in order to prevent yet another repeat of this in future lifetimes; that matters more than whether or not you believe the truth about what I am.

The enemy has waged war on both the masculine and feminine, males and females for many years. The more confused and uncertain one is the more easily it is to control and manipulate them. The more one is out of harmony with themselves, the easier it is to be destroyed from the inside out or become lost.

You've said previously that you denied being male because of how people treated you as a child when you expressed as male compared to expressing as female. It sounds like for you success in life equaled becoming female - regardless of anything else. I wouldn't recommend going into surgery or making any critical changes to yourself magically or otherwise involving becoming a woman, until you've delved further into whether being female is indeed what your soul is or if it stems from this childhood trauma and maybe even curses. Settling for feeling you are both sexes on the soul level and deciding to change yourself physically through surgery to become female sounds counter-intuitive, because either way you go, no matter who's right or wrong, either direction is leading to possible issues worse than what you're currently dealing with.

Say it is true that you are both sexes on the soul level, altering your body to become female will result in becoming out of alignment with your soul. If it's true you are female, surgery will result in becoming more aligned, but being wrong, and your soul is actually male, will put you out of alignment. Either way, it's a 33% chance of getting it right without messing yourself up, and that's not including the aftermath of how the surgery goes in your healing process.

Given that you are still trying to explain this to others, talk about it, your thoughts and views and repeating yourself, I'd say your subconscious is trying to tell that you haven't quite gotten the answers your soul is seeking for you to move on and let go and be completely certain of yourself yet. I'd recommend the same as what Henu suggested, if you have some free space Samhain would be great for freeing the soul workings. (Side note: breathing in Aether energy has helped me in sorting through my own energies and anchor myself in a way that's a little different from earth energy whenever I'm doing "what is me?" focused meditations). When this confusion is cleared, then make the next steps that are most appropriate for you, whatever that may be and you'll know with certainty that you'll be ok.

Going further into this obsession without going deeper into yourself than you have already, I can't say I'm not worried because right now after reading through everything you've written, it's more like escapism from the trauma of being male than actually dealing with the issue at hand. Underneath it all, you haven't found a solid answer to the question of "Why me?"/"How did I end up in a body like this?" - This doesn't sound like something that's going to be solved in just a month of comments back and forth attempting to explain something and theorize on a topic that few other than I'd say maybe the HP, and the Gods have the spiritual knowledge to really help you with. We can give our thoughts and advice all day based on limited knowledge about the soul inevitably resulting in probably just more confusion and frustration, and you can keep attempting to explain and give your side of things, but the HP and the Gods would be the people to look to for help on this rather than continuing to push this topic for anyone on both sides of the coin.

What we know is that it's male soul to male body, female soul to female body - and the soul has a masculine half and feminine half (not to be confused with the actual sex of the soul, these are the energies that make it up). But since your body is mixed, this needs more experienced hands to obtain certain facts rather than relying on intuition, the past/astral attempts, and knowledge that doesn't quite help the situation.

 

[tabby]

Sorry, I didn't mean to worry you. To be honest, I was having so much fun overthinking things to the point of absurdity and ranting about it that I couldn't stop myself...

I've always believed that people's gender is their physical sex. So even though I felt like I was supposed to be female since I was little, and this notion was reinforced by negative experiences as a boy in my childhood, I think that surely having been born with a body that is mostly male and living with it has affected who I am even deep down as a person. If I wasn't male before, then I am (to an extent) now, because that is simply (physical) reality. I'm a very literal-minded person, so that's how I think, even if it makes other, easily observable truths, nearly incomprehensible.

It's not like I want to be both sexes. But I do think that I wanted to in my past lives, albeit not both simultaneously, as it was entirely within my nature to try to change my sex regardless of whether I'm male or female, as long as my circumstances are bad enough. It's also in my nature to go as far as to recklessly manipulate the process of reincarnation in an attempt to manifest such things, and be met with unforeseen consequences and side effects somewhere down the road. But I want to get rid of the mentality that I should change to such an extent just to adapt to my circumstances. I understand now that I didn't have it so bad because I was a man or a woman, but because the enemy sought to make all of humanity suffer, and was unfortunately rather successful in that for many centuries.

Due to my belief that sex and gender are one and the same, I firmly believe it's incorrect to say that someone like me, who physically has a dick, isn't male. But I also know that I'm really supposed to be only female, even after letting go of all the trauma. How am I supposed to make sense of that? It feels like a contradiction, but I still know with absolute certainty that both are true. Certainly others would perceive it as a contradiction too, right? So they would tell me one or the other is wrong, but aren't they wrong instead? So I rant about my incoherent, conflicting feelings, but that doesn't make things any clearer either.

I at least know what course of action will realistically make me the happiest, even on the long term, thanks to my Guardian's advice. Should I just give up on trying to explain it then? I like to get to the bottom of things, but sometimes that just leads to me overthinking all the details and losing sight of what matters. If it's even making you worry as well, then I feel kind of bad.

I worry because you are still expressing a lot of confusion, yet are moving down a path with a certainty that you want to be a woman. All I can ask is how can you be certain about something irreversible when you are this confused? Surgery and hormones may give you the relief and comfort that you seek physically, but it will not give you answers and it's these unanswerable questions that fuel your confusion, overthinking, and have you running in circles leading nowhere.

If you take the go-ahead when you still are asking for answers to the how's and why's like this, they will stay with you even after surgery and it will be worse. Your body will be closer to how you want it but the questions will remain and haunt your thoughts. Confusion like that after such a choice can drive one into insanity. You need information and data of the spiritual so you can better understand yourself. That's why there's not much point doing the who's right and who's wrong thing, because none of us know the answers truly.

 

[Jack]

...

None of this is true. The reason why everyone gets born into the same sex is because Sex and Gender is in the Soul. The only reason why someone is born deformed is because they've been heavily traumatized and that trauma through emotional projection is causing epigenetic changes in development of the baby. Meaning some part of the deformities are of the Will to Change of the Trauma.

The race of Human beings do not have functional Hermaphrodite beings and the souls. Any and all Hermaphrodites are Genetically diseased and need to be removed for Eugenics purposes as all the Ancient Religions like Spartans practiced.

There are Two Genders, Two Sexes and everything else is False.

Sex and gender are indeed in the Soul. Perhaps you should consider how a Soul is first born, and how it ties in with the physical development of a fetus. Then you might understand where gender comes from.

Incarnating into this body with ambiguous chromosomes isn't without consequences for my Soul or gender. Conversely, I reincarnated into this body because it reflected what my Soul had already become in the past. When I mentioned being both sexes, I did not mean that I was always this way or that it is natural for me or that I find preferable. I meant that it is the consequence of having physically been both sexes due to unnatural causes, which, due to the way the development of the physical sex ties in with the development of gender in the Soul, means that I have (at least partially) developed two genders.

I'm not advocating for hermaphroditism or saying it is healthy. If anything, I want to return to just being female. In my opinion, being both just causes confusion and health problems. I find it bothersome and needlessly frustrating.

It's not the other way around. The soul first projected its will for the epigenetic changes to happen. Physical changes do not happen without a spiritual trigger.

 

[Voice of Enki [JG]]

...

Meteor, I've finally taken the time to read this topic, and have another perspective to give on this, which I hope can give you a new direction to explore in your thinking, and allow you to cut through this confusion.

First I'd like to comment on my conclusion on Gender. Personally, I believe there are in fact only 2 genders that people can be born into, I reject the notion of the twin soul or the third gender.

I believe this is a corruption and not a reality, something born from a misunderstanding and a Jewish corruption on the process of merging the male and female elixers in the soul when one undergoes the process to awaken the Godhead.

Second, I also believe that ones sex is decided based on ones gender (which is determined on the soul level), and the primary genitalia one has physically are the indicator of which gender one has, it is the physical manifestation of ones gender.

Then third, I would like to say that I believe any surgery to change your physical form drastically in order to suit ones ideal perception of the self, is a terrible mistake and I would even go as far as to call it a crime against the self if the change is too major. In my opinion, someone who undergoes gender reassignment surgery, is no different from the person who wants their leg surgically removed because they do not feel comfortable having two legs (these people exist, and often also have other desires such as to remove their genitalia as well, due to terrible mental illness stemming from past life trauma or confusion).

Please do note, I am not putting you on the same level as those sorts of people. There are levels on this mental confusion and illness, that range from minor to those who are too far gone to have any prospects of healing or balancing this.

All that being said, one has to ask themselves; "What does my gender mean to me?"

"What does being born a man while having an unusually feminine body, feminine behavioral expression, etc, mean to me?" "How come, as a man, I am not like other men?"

While I believe there are indeed only 2 genders, I also believe the expression of either gender can have a wide range, where the middle line overlaps with there being women who are more masculine in their expression, behaviors and inclinations than certain men, and visa-versa.

Being a man, does not mean one has to be the masculine kind of person. I do believe excessive feminine expression in men is mostly caused by xianity and other misunderstandings, corrosions and illness resulting from jewish corruptions and damages done to society and people, but this is not the case for all men.

If one is born a man, regardless of other dispositions in the person, it is important to foremost accept and understand the simple fact that ones gender is male, and from there one needs to find, "What kind of man am I?" Instead of "Am I really a man?".

Even if you, on the spiritual level have a very feminine soul, that doesn't mean you have been born into the wrong body, it means you are simply not the average kind of man, you may even be a huge outlier among men and lean more to a feminine side than a masculine one.

Since there are born millions of people everyday, and there exist billions of souls on this Earth, there are bound to be unique cases and outliers among our people.

You likely are one of them. When I look at your energy, I do sense strong femininity, however I see at the core of your being, you are still male, just different from the majority of men.

You also consider yourself broken to a degree, but I do not think that is the case. Rather than fix your being, you need to fix your warped understanding of your being, and realize better what you really are and what this means for you, rather than believe strongly that you are meant to be something else than that you are in the present, or believe somehow there is something fundamentally wrong with your being.

Once you have accepted your present self, you can grow from there and continue to work on your soul without any confusion or false perceptions, and continue becoming your true self. What this true self is will become apparent to you after you have understood that your present being is the present you, and why your present being is as it is.

There are things you need to fix on your being to reach the essence of your true self, but there is nothing fundamentally broken about your being, you simply feel as if it is because you have rejected your own being for most of your life because of the circumstances you lived in, your upbringing and karmic dross from past lives.

Even now you still reject your self and what you really are.

Clear these things up and any confusion on what you are, or who you are, also clears away.

I also do not believe you need to go through multiple reincarnations to come to understand this, you can fix this easily within a few years or a decade at most.

It begins with understanding that fundamentally there is no error in your being, neither physical nor spiritual, the error lies in your understanding of your self, as your self does not conform with the common accepted parameters that society attributes to people, you are an outlier among men, but that itself can be something extraordinary, especially when you understand that and grow from there into the direction that is natural for you, rather than what you believe based on your current confused understanding is best for you.

Perhaps something that can help you in the moment, is to take a moment to appreciate yourself in the present, even if you dislike your present self because of your perceptions about your self at this time.

Look in the mirror at yourself and observe the fundamental aspects of your being, touch your body and feel yourself, then feel the connection between your physical and higher being (your astral body, your soul), appreciate what you are now, and ask yourself why you are dissatisfied with who you are.

You do not have to answer that question right away, but ponder on it, and dive into your being, examine your being until you reach the fundamental essence of your true self, and feel this essence well up within you, let it clear away your misunderstandings of your own being.

While you do this, close of all your thoughts, silence your mind, so your current thoughts do not influence your true perception.

It works best after you have cleaned your soul and body, perhaps clean your soul then take a shower (or do both simultaneously), during and after the shower begin that process of self examination. First physically, then deeper into your being.

Ask your guardian to guide you on this.

You should enter a trance during this process, and probably will have the urge to lie down, just do as your body commands and follow your instincts while you dive deeper within your being and find within you a representation of your true being, the essence of your being, and the purest manifestation of self that exist within you.

If you touch upon that part of you, your confusion will disappear, and your image as to who you are will be clear.

One final thing to remember, botched solutions lead only to botched conclusions. True realization comes from within, and the true solution is also found within you, within your being.

If there are things inadequate or wrong about your physical manifestation, your body, these can be fixed by your own power at a later date after you have advanced, and likely you will find the things you wish to change at this moment will no longer be of bother to you at that later time when you have reached greater spiritual accomplishment.

Understanding your true essence, your true self, can help one on the path to the Godhead, as reaching the Godhead also allows one to manifest this true self in full on all levels. If one doesn't know their own true self, how could they ascend to a higher state of being?

If one is confused, how could they reach perfection? And how could botched methods brought into this world by jews help one become their true self?

The answers to the questions, doubts and confusions you have, are all within your being, you just need to open up to them and find what you already have within.

Hail Satan!

 

[Voice of Enki [JG]]

...

I have to tell you straight up. If you make such a self damaging decision, you will only perpetuate this corruption and will never escape it.

You will never become a god either, because you will never heal yourself from this dross.

Sex reassignment is a thing invented by jews as a botched solution to people who have gender confusion for various reasons, much of it resulting from xianity during the Middle Ages.

The jew creates the problem, and then gives the "solution", which in reality solves nothing and only serves to further this corruption both on a personal level and a societal level.

As a dedicated Spiritual Satanist, you cannot go and perpetuate this corruption just because you have some issues on a personal level regarding gender confusion.

I advice you to follow my advice, even if you do not like it, or feel like avoiding it because it is too confronting for you to handle.

You are running away from your issue and believe you should take what you perceive as the easy way out.

"If I get surgery, everything will be fine, I'll be happy, all my problems will be solved! Surely!"

Yeah, not going to happen.

You will delude yourself into thinking it makes you happy, denying yourself till the end of your life, and remain stuck in this same cycle perpetually forever.

You will live a life lying to yourself and forever chained by your karmic dross, this is not something I want to see happen to any dedicated SS.

Therefore I felt the need to tell you this straight.

Your Guardian also doesn't want this to happen.

Actually try to sit down and speak with your Guardian, as she has things to show you and tell you that you haven't been opening up to.

You've been letting your own thoughts influence your perception on what she has to say to you as well. Actually meditate on her and listen to her for once, because she wants to help you with this, but you haven't let anyone help you with this because the prospect scares you.

Get over this block one way or another, but do not perpetuate it and make it worse, that is the most ridiculous thing you can do.

 

[Voice of Enki [JG]]

...

I do not act on pointless things. I tell you this because I care, and because I see what you are doing to yourself.

It is fine if you do not understand, I do not expect you to understand, in the end it is your decision, I simply see to it that you do not succumb to your own delusion and inner weakness.

I know with absolute certainty you will fail on this path if you go through with your decision.

Take that as you will.

I say that not in an attempt to convince you, but to return to you reason which you have discarded.

 

[Voice of Enki [JG]]

Life is greater than to let yourself succumb to such psychological issues, or even to let yourself drown under them.

You make life much too difficult for yourself by allowing this to feel so complicated.

I understand you have great trauma about this, I can see that.

The key here is to overcome that trauma, rather than let it shape you. You have chosen the latter, to let your karmic dross rule over you, this doesn't lead anywhere in life, regardless what it is about.

As a Spiritual Satanist there are so many ways to solve this, how many have you tried?

You have the most powerful allies who know you better than anyone in the entire Galaxy, yet you disregard everything because you tunnel your vision only on your limited scope of experience, and willfully remain deaf to all the possibilities and answers that exist which would prevent you from suffering from this confusion and pain forever.

Why would one with such opportunity subject themselves to this? Why purposefully limit your destiny, and cut of your path?

You think you are opening a new path for yourself, that this will lead to the answers you seek, or that this is the answer.

I tell you that it is not.

You will achieve a vain happiness, but at the cost of a lifetime of advancement, perhaps longer as the karmic dross would not be removed, but instead only cement itself deeper within you, becoming more difficult to remove.

It may permanently cut you off from your path to the Godhead forever.

You may not understand why I care, or why I tell you this. If your vision was as broad as mine, you'd understand the anguish it brings me to see an SS go down a path like that.

 

[Jrvan]

...

I have to tell you straight up. If you make such a self damaging decision, you will only perpetuate this corruption and will never escape it.

You will never become a god either, because you will never heal yourself from this dross.

Sex reassignment is a thing invented by jews as a botched solution to people who have gender confusion for various reasons, much of it resulting from xianity during the Middle Ages.

The jew creates the problem, and then gives the "solution", which in reality solves nothing and only serves to further this corruption both on a personal level and a societal level.

As a dedicated Spiritual Satanist, you cannot go and perpetuate this corruption just because you have some issues on a personal level regarding gender confusion.

I advice you to follow my advice, even if you do not like it, or feel like avoiding it because it is too confronting for you to handle.

You are running away from your issue and believe you should take what you perceive as the easy way out.

"If I get surgery, everything will be fine, I'll be happy, all my problems will be solved! Surely!"

Yeah, not going to happen.

You will delude yourself into thinking it makes you happy, denying yourself till the end of your life, and remain stuck in this same cycle perpetually forever.

You will live a life lying to yourself and forever chained by your karmic dross, this is not something I want to see happen to any dedicated SS.

Therefore I felt the need to tell you this straight.

Your Guardian also doesn't want this to happen.

Actually try to sit down and speak with your Guardian, as she has things to show you and tell you that you haven't been opening up to.

You've been letting your own thoughts influence your perception on what she has to say to you as well. Actually meditate on her and listen to her for once, because she wants to help you with this, but you haven't let anyone help you with this because the prospect scares you.

Get over this block one way or another, but do not perpetuate it and make it worse, that is the most ridiculous thing you can do.

Didn't I already tell you that it's pointless? Why do you think false information would persuade me after I've looked into it so much?

This surgery was pioneered by Gentiles (by a gynecologist as a treatment for women born without a vaginal canal, then adapted by an urologist so it can be applied to transgender patients too), and I'll have it performed by Gentiles.

I already know the outcome. It would indeed improve my well-being.

I can't delude myself into thinking I'm happy; I still remember I miserably cried myself to sleep every night as a teenager, thinking to myself how happy I must surely be despite the mysterious emotional pain I felt, since there's nothing wrong in my life. If I could truly create such a false form of happiness, I would've refrained from transitioning, since it seemed rather difficult. But lately, I'm truly happier than I've ever been before, and the future ahead is even brighter yet.

Differences, especially things you would personally be incompatible with, are often perceived as dross. I don't blame you for finding my sexual preferences disgusting, although I recently realised the irony in that. It's because I'm male that it's disgusting, right?

As for becoming a god, do you even know how to do that yourself? It seems like you're making judgements based on superstition rather than a practical, tested reality.

Either way, I appreciate your attempt to look out for me, and I'll continue to stay in touch with my Guardian on the topic, as you recommended.

Meteor, I feel the exact same way that VoE feels, word for word. I couldn't have told you what he did better myself, and you know how good I am at persuasion and writing. You just received expert level advice that is on a level higher than you will find anywhere else on this planet right now. I urge you not to dismiss it or to write VoE off. He is extremely wise, and his care for you is genuine just as mine is.

When I first interacted with you on these forums back when you were sticking up for me to SWG, I also had the impression that you were a male. I thought so until you revealed otherwise, and I must say I was very surprised. Tabby also had the impression you were male. So there's three people who have felt your soul to be male.

Tabby has been obsessing for like the past month over you, lol. Sometimes I can't get her to shut up about you
She's been so concerned with solving this mystery and trying to understand the ins and outs of the issues, and I've also been helping her to see things from your point of view and remind of what it would be like for someone to be born like that and go through that all their life. She attempted to astral project the other day to try to sense and get a glimpse of your soul. She said what she saw looked like a tormented male curled up with their head in their hands, and it made her cry. Do with that information what you will. I'm not going to suggest it as proof because I'm not a fool and I'm not trying to force things down your throat, but I can attest to Tabby's spiritual gifts and abilities.

I've been avoiding getting involved again in talking to you about this because I just didn't have the heart to go further and tell you this, and I knew it would be hard for you to hear. I figured that I had already given you full disclosure in a sense, and helped you to sort out the confusion and the puzzle of gender dynamics and meaning (although I saw that you confused social gender and soul gender again) as much as I could... so I decided to let it be and trust you to make your own informed decision for your life. It's such a complicated issue, and I understand how frustrating it must be. On the one hand, I would tell you that 20 years is a flash in the pan to wait for the Gods to return here with their advanced technology (which Azazel said makes the most advanced current human technology look primitive), and that they might be able to help you if you wait that long. You said you would do whatever it takes to achieve your goals no matter how much effort in however many lifetimes so I guess you're determined enough that you could wait 20 years just in case, but I also know the pain of waiting 20 years feeling stuck in a miserable situation, and I know what it's like to feel trapped in one's body. You might not think I do, but believe me... I absolutely do. I won't elaborate on that so you will have to take my word for it. But this is why I didn't have the heart to say these things to you. This is also why I'm overflowing with respect for VoE right now for having the courage to say this to you, which is all the things that I wanted to say to you myself but I couldn't find the strength to do so.

Trust what VoE said about the Godhead at least because it's the truth. If you're wrong about being female at the soul level then you won't be able to even get anywhere close to immortality because you won't be in alignment with your own soul. You might end up destroying yourself beyond repair. That would certainly make the jews happy. And it would certainly make me very sad because living in a universe without you wouldn't be the same. I would only have the memories of this time talking to you on the forums, and the painful regret of not succeeding in convincing you to save your soul.

I also want you to recognize your defensive reaction just now. You know full well that we aren't repulsed by your sexual preferences. We aren't disgusted by what two humans do with their bodies in the bedroom. We're not xian bigots. Think better of us. If you read VoE's comments again with a clear mind you will see that he did not express disgust nor any reaction at all to your sex life that you shared with us. VoE, like me, just doesn't want to have to travel into the future without you. He doesn't want to see you destroy yourself because you're a precious Satanist and one of our own. You performed the dedication which means you are bonded to us together as a soul collective, and we will feel great pain if you harm yourself and end up gone in the long run. Ultimately it's your life and your choice, and we can't stop you. But we will be hurt if we lose you. That pain is something you don't yet understand which is why you don't realize VoE's feelings and intentions. I was actually trying to work up my nerve to tell you all of this the other day when I read through what I missed in this thread, but it seems it's for the best that I waited. If it wasn't VoE then it was eventually going to be me because I'm the same, and my own individual conscience couldn't bear it if I didn't give you full disclosure and all the facts along with my own insights for you to make an informed decision.

If you're wrong about the gender of your soul then it could end up costing you everything. Your whole future. 20 years of relief now could mean the loss of the chance to even regret it for eternity. You have to weigh everything very carefully because you could be throwing away your chance to experience lasting bliss which will make your temporary comfort seem trivial and worthless. I don't want you to regret this for the rest of your life. If it turns out your soul is truly female then I'll trust in your decisions, but I don't think it's the case. You have to at least consider the possibility that you have this all in reverse and that your soul might actually be male. Until then you're just gambling, and SS know better than to gamble with their futures.

 

[tabby]

You have a point that arguing about these things on the internet isn't going to do any good.

But you know, even I can let go of things if I have to. I know it doesn't seem like it right now; but it's when I'm uneasy that I overthink things so much. And when I focus on this topic, it makes me uneasy. It's really just a vicious cycle of pointless doubt and confusion.

Before I started writing about this topic so much, I could go days or even weeks not worrying about it or feeling confused at all. Everyone around me thinks of me as a woman, and I would have sex astrally with my fiancé... I would generally just go about my life, without even stopping to think that I haven't physically resolved the discrepancy yet, since it hardly ever came to my attention. It just felt so right, and so peaceful. But when I feel like having sex in a more straightforward manner (physically), or I just want to wear certain clothing that doesn't fit well, or I start to wonder what I even really am... It hurts, and it starts to eat away at my sanity.

So long as I feel like something's wrong, I'll continue to seek the answers to those unanswerable questions. But when it doesn't feel like anything is wrong, rather than lamenting that I lack something to obsess over, I'll be glad and at peace. Following that logic, and all the clues about how my mind works, and using that to deduce how having this kind of surgery would affect me mentally, it's rather clear to me that the outcome is far beyond anything anyone here could possibly expect from such a seemingly crude solution.

Perhaps it's only when I've already let go that I'll truly be ready to understand the answers. In that case, I should just let go already. Refraining from obsessing over things I can't truly know isn't ignorance; it's having my priorities straight. So I should set them straight.

I know, believe me when I say I've felt and seen it. You can try convince yourself and everyone around you that you're happy and will be at peace after this choice... but you're not. You're screaming underneath regardless of what you display on the surface to everyone. The hurt you're in just mentally and emotionally from all this, is severely outweighing whatever discomfort is happening physically with your body, and this is over blowing how much discomfort you're realistically in. When one is in pain, yes, they can absolutely delude themselves to thinking they're happy and they can delude themselves to enjoy things that are not natural to them - I've seen it again and again, and I have gone through it myself. It's like a drug, a delusional euphoria that people sink their teeth into and suck on it helplessly because they can't face the truth of themselves, their actions, or the reality around them with their situation. Facing it is so excruciating to them that they believe their own lie to the point of being unable to feel the difference between what's real and not even with their own emotions and feelings, and only when they finally breathe again (if they ever get to that point) do they realise they were drowning the whole time. It takes someone with incredible strength to get out of that state alone, and I've only seen it happen once in my life time, the others needed outside help to wake up.

Emotions and feelings are real, that's why people think "but I felt this, I can't fake my emotions" - and that's true, emotions can't be faked, but the belief and intention they're connected to will determine if they're aligned with reality. A person can be tortured to feel and remember things that never happened to them, and their emotions react to what they've been brainwashed with. But can one manipulate their own emotions and alter their own memory? Yes, and it all depends on what beliefs are in their head. Belief is a powerful thing, and it can lead you to your own destruction if directed wrongly. The enemy knows this well and they use it all the time to twist gentiles into their own ruin. Xianity is a perfect example.

I know pain and what it can do to people, I feel other's pain as if it's my own and have practiced long before coming to JoS in controlling that ability so it doesn't consume me. You are the most pained soul I've met so far in my current life, and that's saying something given the people I've met. Your obsession is not becoming female because you believe that's what you're supposed to be - it's ridding yourself of this pain by any means necessary using a procedure that will bury that pain not heal it since it isn't a physical thing. That is what's happening underneath these words of declarative action of this path. You've become invested in a certain outcome... pain + obsessive investment can only equal disaster, Meteor. It's a good thing you continued to talk, try explain things and argue, because you've revealed within your own words the answers you've been seeking.

I don't think you can admit it to yourself and see your own words for what you've really said because of how far in you've already gone into becoming female. VoE was brave enough to say it before I could, and very well said. What I saw in your pain had me in shock, I couldn't figure out how to say it. So instead of my words, look at your own. You have said what you already knew deep down inside yourself.

Your soul isn't female, neither mixed. You're a male who went through some shit trauma, and came into this life intersex, gay, and developed more trauma from how other's treated you as a man. Honestly, I didn't want to be right. The amount of pain I felt from you had me in tears, and adding to that was something I'd hoped could be avoided, that you were really female at the soul and not have to face this. JoS saved me from my insanity. Let us save you from yours.

The pain you'll face now is the pain of reality from living under a lie too long. Please do not give into the mentality of "well I've gone this far, may as well go all the way, and be satisfied in fulfilling my desires" - do not do it, because that is stupid. Because of this new pain, you've become defensive (again) against VoE just as you did a month ago when the guys were speaking of eugenics. You haven't overcome your trauma, you still can't face it nor the idea that the choices you've made to rid yourself of it was the wrong choice. You still have that childhood trauma of when people treated you differently because of being male and your mind actively seeks out that bias against males in others arguments against you, even where there is none.

We're not against you or disgusted by you. As VoE said, the last thing I want to see is an SS drown themselves, and we are trying hard to help you because we can see now that there is much more to this than your body being intersex. I've taken a few different stances since this topic began. First separating you from the trannie community to get your mind clear of their madness, then challenging your thinking about yourself to push you in a positive direction so you could heal and think more deeply about why you think the way you do on this. Based on everything even yourself has said and the patterns of your psychology, this is my final stance on it using what you've told us to show you that you were trying to reveal the answers to yourself the entire time but you weren't even listening to your own mind.

The questions couldn't be answered because you didn't want to answer them. You already knew and couldn't face it.

"if I go through with my intentions, then it's only a matter of time before I can feel this way even without covering up any part of myself."
"I know it will solve my confusion about my gender in that it will cause me to consider myself female without any further doubt." - these line below stands out.

Seeing into the spiritual is not enough for you, you want physical and visual sight of being a woman in order to truly believe and feel that that is what you really are. There's still a part of you saying the opposite of your choice, otherwise you wouldn't be saying this. That should already tell you that you aren't making the right choice, and definitely not for the right reasons. At first I thought it was because your genitalia were messed up and provided little function because of being underdeveloped, and you wanted to have what you were meant to be born with, reaching out to professionals to determine if you can express as a woman in society. But as you continued, your words say otherwise.

This is a choice based on fear and unhealthy obsession. What are you most afraid of?

...

I got over my fear of looking in the mirror earlier this year. I still remember it so clearly. Back then, I was still struggling a lot with my self-esteem, and I would always distrust others when they complimented me, assuming that they must be looking at me wrong somehow. But after doing some introspection, I felt like I wanted to face myself even if it was scary, so I looked at my bare reflection before taking a shower. Suddenly I was able to see clearly for myself how incredibly beautiful I really look if I let go of my hang-ups about not being completely female. Then, I covered my genitalia with my hand, and I looked like a woman. I started crying with relief, as it felt like something deep inside me was healed just from that sight. And then I thought to myself, "if I go through with my intentions, then it's only a matter of time before I can feel this way even without covering up any part of myself."

You also mentioned exploring my instincts, but that's a large part of what actually got me into this situation. Ever since puberty started, I've instinctively really liked being penetrated. And I would act on that during masturbation, but it always bothered me that it's unclean... Even if I cleaned it beforehand, that was also a lot of work, and if I had a bowel movement, it would become unclean anyway. I thought it was just something negative and bothersome that I have to accept and deal with again each time. It was annoying, but I still considered it worth it, as only focusing on my genitalia didn't fulfil my need for penetration and left me deeply dissatisfied.

I think it's when I was 14 years old that I started fantasizing about being female in a sexual context and having vaginal sex. I suppose it just seemed so straightforward in comparison to what I had to put up with? The thought of having such a convenient hole for sex that's so easy to keep clean... I suppose it really appealed to me, and I became a bit obsessed with that idea. But it was just a fantasy for many years, since I couldn't really act on it physically.

Shortly after I started meditating and dedicated two years ago, I asked my Guardian for guidance with these issues. I asked Her: "Why am I so afraid of being seen as male?" After which I recalled a traumatic experience, presumably from 3 lifetimes ago, that ended with me wishing (as I was dying) that I had been born a girl. After I woke up from the trance, I thought to myself: "The church has lost its power. Nobody where I live nowadays would want to kill me just for being a gay or effeminate guy." Since then I'm no longer terrified of what other people think of me, and my social anxiety vanished.

I started to wonder if I really even need to be female then, so I started to think about what I would do differently if I identified as a guy. The answer I came to was "nothing". I would even still want to have surgery, as anal sex didn't turn me on anymore lately. It just felt too gross for me to enjoy it after all, which led to me being mostly asexual for years other than giving my partner blowjobs occasionally to keep him happy. Getting turned on just made me feel frustrated and trapped in my body as I wanted to be on the receiving end of vaginal sex which wasn't physically possible, so I tried to avoid sexual thoughts altogether. I thought that perhaps if I had surgery, I would finally be able to enjoy sex again, even if I identified as a guy. After all, at that point, fantasizing about vaginal sex was one of the only things that turned me on anymore.

I thought it was rather odd for my sexual preferences to be that way if my body is physically like this, so I entered a trance to try to understand my sexual instincts. I could tell that I have a very strong need to be penetrated, and that I'm not very interested in penetrating (if anything, the latter would make me too envious of my partner to enjoy it). I couldn't really figure out why though, so I asked my Guardian if She could help me understand why my sexual instincts are the way they are. Then, although it was only for a few seconds and didn't seem to be meant in a sexual way but rather just to demonstrate, I physically felt my vagina being touched, as if She meant to say: "It's because your (etheric) body is like that."

That doesn't really answer the question of why it's like that. Maybe it's because I shapeshifted astrally in a past life? Maybe it's because I fantasized about it so much over the years? Maybe I was female in a past lifetime? But rather than obsessing over such details, I realised how desperately I wanted more.

...
I think you underestimate the quality of the method of surgery I intend to go with, but on the other hand, I realise I might be fucked in the head for happily overlooking all the gruesome aspects of it and only focusing on the practical benefits. I know it will solve my confusion about my gender in that it will cause me to consider myself female without any further doubt, but I know you probably find it horrifying that I would consider clearing my doubts the same as clearing my confusion, without any regard for what I may have been in the past. Even so, even if it bothers you, I know that nobody will ever be able to take it away from me anymore after I've gone through with it, no matter how they might try to downplay what I have or insult me based on superstition, rumours and assumptions about what such surgeries are supposed to end up like. That's why my mind is already made up.
...

...
Differences, especially things you would personally be incompatible with, are often perceived as dross. I don't blame you for finding my sexual preferences disgusting, although I recently realised the irony in that. It's because I'm male that it's disgusting, right?
...

...
Even if I have to dismantle and reasemble nature itself in order to fulfil my wish, I will.

I do understand why you care. I just want to stay true to what I've carefully deduced is best. I'm very sorry if I offended you in any way.

 

[tabby]

...

...

It's kind of funny, actually. I thought I might be harassed here on the forums if people thought of me as female, so I deliberately put on an act for the first few months after I joined to try to come across as male, and only dropped it and revealed what I consider myself to be after I concluded that women are respected here too. But in hindsight, maybe there wasn't a need to put on an act at all, if that's how my Soul looks to the three of you anyway. For some reason, my fiancé thinks I look completely female astrally though, which is also what I feel physically during astral sex. Perhaps people just see what they want to see, or what makes the most sense to them?

That said, I do have to agree that I've also often believed myself to be male, despite my intentions and preferences; even one of the therapists I spoke with was hesitant about diagnosing me, since I seemed to her more like a male that wanted to be female than someone who was naturally that way inside. And going by what I remember, I was male in all of my lives after all, apart from one.

As for that one lifetime, if I even remember it correctly, perhaps it was due to what happened in the lifetime before that, or perhaps my accumulated efforts in other lifetimes, but either way, I reincarnated into a female body. And I remember that I felt so incredibly weak, and powerless, and violated, and humiliated. Perhaps that's when I realised, somewhere in my higher consciousness, that by becoming female, I had only made myself even more vulnerable to abuse than I was before. So I desperately wished to become a man again, so that I'd have the strength to kill them all, rip their flesh apart with my bare hands, and crush their skulls.

I don't remember anything about the lifetime after that, which would be the one before this one; but I do realise by now that no matter how many people I were to kill, it would never fulfil me, and only make the void inside me grow deeper. If being female meant to be helplessly abused, and being male meant to murder endlessly, then I had no idea what I was supposed to be anymore. Having loosened the screws on my blueprint so that I can control this aspect of my reincarnation, but having no idea what I even want to be, is it really even a surprise that I ended up in a body that's genetically slightly in-between?

Stories like that are rather inconsequential, as it's not like they can be physically confirmed anyway. Even if I asked for a sign, I could just manifest one myself, so that'd be meaningless too. But I felt like sharing it anyway, since it rings so very true with the inexplicable feelings that feel like as though they've been buried deep inside of my being since before I was born.

When I was little, I never lost a fight. Despite my lack of visible muscle, my punches sent kids who were taller than me flying away several meters. Oh, how I loved beating up bullies. After all, if they believe it's good to pick on the weak, then surely it's perfectly fine with them if I punch them for the pathetic weaklings they themselves are, right? Aren't they just asking for it, really, if that's their logic? Hahahaha. I suppose at least my wish to be strong came true. And now I have a strong partner who can protect me too if needed.

Anyway, I'll stop ranting and address the points you brought up.

The Gods aren't heading here just so that we can sit around helplessly doing nothing and wait to be saved. We are to save ourselves, and that also involves working on improving our lives and prospering materially. I'm not going to wait for someone's prophecy to come true when there's a practical, realistic and certain way to make progress towards my dream right here on Earth. But I suppose I did hear my Guardian's voice clearly in my mind when I asked Her about it: "If you still need our help by the time we arrive, we'll help you."

Sometimes I feel as though She's worried about me, and I suppose that makes sense. The surgery is very intensive, and it takes a long time to recover from it, and I would be rather vulnerable during that time, both physically and otherwise. She said to me that if this is really what I want, then She will watch over me during my recovery... but I feel bad to rely on Her when it's my own reckless decision, so I've done workings to ensure it'll all go well, and intend to put more in place before I go through with it, just for good measure.

There would also be extensive damage to my Soul, but it's nothing I can't repair. Breaking and repairing myself is just one of the many ways available to me to transform my being into something that suits me better, and I have faith that even if I accidentally damage the sacred "blueprint" that leads to Godhood, I can manage to repair it and make it possible to succeed regardless, especially with divine guidance. But if I put it like that, I think you guys might be right that I have discarded reason. I really might be insane after all. But I have been for a very long time, truly. If you really wanted to save me, maybe you should've reached out to me a few centuries ago? Although even then, the situation was already so bleak that there was nothing that could be done.

That said, it's nothing that would make me misaligned with the rest of my being though; rather the contrary. After all, I already did that, right? Perhaps not consciously, but definitely intentionally. How else could I be able to experience things astrally the way I do, and why do you think my dick physically feels like it's inside out? Clearly, I must've already performed "surgery" on my Soul a long time ago, and despite the fulfilment I got out of it, it's already causing problems. My male genitalia became unusable, and it feels as though the discrepancy between my bodies is generating a dissonance that holds me back in my spiritual growth. So really, having physical surgery is just the next step to make things align again, so that I can resonate more strongly and progress further. Isn't that crazy?
It sounds really fucking insane to me, but I also know that it is, in fact, true. And the truth is all that matters when it comes down to it. That's right... the ends justify the means.

This entire mess could surely have been prevented. Then, why am I so glad that it wasn't? I often think to myself: "What a time to be alive, that something like this is even possible." Forcing myself into a situation where it seems as though changing what I am on every level of existence is the only sane and viable solution, is really what I wanted all along, isn't it? After all, how else could I ever have the unyielding determination needed to make sure that I'll eventually succeed in fulfilling a dream that is called "impossible"?

I've been walking a narrow path, and now, I'm right in the middle. I can hear all of you yelling at me to turn back since it's dangerous. But I know that if I changed my mind now, all of my determination would slip away, and I would slip and fall into the abyss as I falter, lost forever as I would be too lost and broken to have the will to live anymore, let alone ever achieve Godhood.

The only way for me to survive this, is to keep facing forward and keep walking slowly and steadily, careful not to lose my balance. Whenever I find a shortcut along the way, I should and must take it, as the sooner I'll make it to the other side, the sooner I'll be safe.

I'm sorry that I made Tabby cry by being like this. I suppose I cry too sometimes, although it's usually about a bunch of nonsense like feeling like it's unfair that I have to go through so much just to have sex the way I want to when half the people are born female to begin with, or about the surgery date being so far away still due to the schedule being tight. I think it's nonsensical to cry about such things, since I should really be happy that I get to do these things at all; that there is a way for me to make my dream come true at all. As for her, she cried because it got to the point where I want these things at all, right?

I won't turn back or stop moving forward. All I can really promise is that I'll be careful not to fall, despite the circumstances.

I naively thought that perhaps in a few years, I could just let everyone know how well it went, and then everyone who genuinely worried about me would surely feel relieved. But now, I think that people would probably still feel sour about what I put myself through, even if it really does make me happier, and solves the issues with energetic dissonance so that I can empower myself more effectively. It would be foolish to expect anyone to cheer me on, or even be happy for me, under these circumstances.

But lately I'm making peace with it. I can be happy for myself. My partner and my parents can be happy for me. Perhaps even my Guardian will be happy for me too, if I really do make it through all of this safely.
But the first one out of those... Being happy for myself. I think that's the one that truly matters the most after all. And I am, and will be.

Hail Satan!

A note on experiencing orgasm and sex as the opposite gender on the astral. It is entirely possible to experience the opposite genders sexual experiences astrally regardless of soul gender. I speak from experience.

To aid in figuring out a couple of my own personal issues relating to sex and womanhood, I astral projected to my temple and imagined myself as a male form and a female form, and made love to myself from the perspective of the male. This was to provide a safe place for me to overcome some inner sexual trauma's. And indeed, I experienced a male orgasm astrally as if it was a physical experience, and followed by my female orgasm in my physical body.

My soul is female, as is my body. So for you experiencing sex as a woman astrally despite having a male soul, is not a factor that you are meant to be female.

 

[Jrvan]

...

...

It's kind of funny, actually. I thought I might be harassed here on the forums if people thought of me as female, so I deliberately put on an act for the first few months after I joined to try to come across as male, and only dropped it and revealed what I consider myself to be after I concluded that women are respected here too. But in hindsight, maybe there wasn't a need to put on an act at all, if that's how my Soul looks to the three of you anyway. For some reason, my fiancé thinks I look completely female astrally though, which is also what I feel physically during astral sex. Perhaps people just see what they want to see, or what makes the most sense to them?

That said, I do have to agree that I've also often believed myself to be male, despite my intentions and preferences; even one of the therapists I spoke with was hesitant about diagnosing me, since I seemed to her more like a male that wanted to be female than someone who was naturally that way inside. And going by what I remember, I was male in all of my lives after all, apart from one.

As for that one lifetime, if I even remember it correctly, perhaps it was due to what happened in the lifetime before that, or perhaps my accumulated efforts in other lifetimes, but either way, I reincarnated into a female body. And I remember that I felt so incredibly weak, and powerless, and violated, and humiliated. Perhaps that's when I realised, somewhere in my higher consciousness, that by becoming female, I had only made myself even more vulnerable to abuse than I was before. So I desperately wished to become a man again, so that I'd have the strength to kill them all, rip their flesh apart with my bare hands, and crush their skulls.

I don't remember anything about the lifetime after that, which would be the one before this one; but I do realise by now that no matter how many people I were to kill, it would never fulfil me, and only make the void inside me grow deeper. If being female meant to be helplessly abused, and being male meant to murder endlessly, then I had no idea what I was supposed to be anymore. Having loosened the screws on my blueprint so that I can control this aspect of my reincarnation, but having no idea what I even want to be, is it really even a surprise that I ended up in a body that's genetically slightly in-between?

Stories like that are rather inconsequential, as it's not like they can be physically confirmed anyway. Even if I asked for a sign, I could just manifest one myself, so that'd be meaningless too. But I felt like sharing it anyway, since it rings so very true with the inexplicable feelings that feel like as though they've been buried deep inside of my being since before I was born.

When I was little, I never lost a fight. Despite my lack of visible muscle, my punches sent kids who were taller than me flying away several meters. Oh, how I loved beating up bullies. After all, if they believe it's good to pick on the weak, then surely it's perfectly fine with them if I punch them for the pathetic weaklings they themselves are, right? Aren't they just asking for it, really, if that's their logic? Hahahaha. I suppose at least my wish to be strong came true. And now I have a strong partner who can protect me too if needed.

Anyway, I'll stop ranting and address the points you brought up.

The Gods aren't heading here just so that we can sit around helplessly doing nothing and wait to be saved. We are to save ourselves, and that also involves working on improving our lives and prospering materially. I'm not going to wait for someone's prophecy to come true when there's a practical, realistic and certain way to make progress towards my dream right here on Earth. But I suppose I did hear my Guardian's voice clearly in my mind when I asked Her about it: "If you still need our help by the time we arrive, we'll help you."

Sometimes I feel as though She's worried about me, and I suppose that makes sense. The surgery is very intensive, and it takes a long time to recover from it, and I would be rather vulnerable during that time, both physically and otherwise. She said to me that if this is really what I want, then She will watch over me during my recovery... but I feel bad to rely on Her when it's my own reckless decision, so I've done workings to ensure it'll all go well, and intend to put more in place before I go through with it, just for good measure.

There would also be extensive damage to my Soul, but it's nothing I can't repair. Breaking and repairing myself is just one of the many ways available to me to transform my being into something that suits me better, and I have faith that even if I accidentally damage the sacred "blueprint" that leads to Godhood, I can manage to repair it and make it possible to succeed regardless, especially with divine guidance. But if I put it like that, I think you guys might be right that I have discarded reason. I really might be insane after all. But I have been for a very long time, truly. If you really wanted to save me, maybe you should've reached out to me a few centuries ago? Although even then, the situation was already so bleak that there was nothing that could be done.

That said, it's nothing that would make me misaligned with the rest of my being though; rather the contrary. After all, I already did that, right? Perhaps not consciously, but definitely intentionally. How else could I be able to experience things astrally the way I do, and why do you think my dick physically feels like it's inside out? Clearly, I must've already performed "surgery" on my Soul a long time ago, and despite the fulfilment I got out of it, it's already causing problems. My male genitalia became unusable, and it feels as though the discrepancy between my bodies is generating a dissonance that holds me back in my spiritual growth. So really, having physical surgery is just the next step to make things align again, so that I can resonate more strongly and progress further. Isn't that crazy?
It sounds really fucking insane to me, but I also know that it is, in fact, true. And the truth is all that matters when it comes down to it. That's right... the ends justify the means.

This entire mess could surely have been prevented. Then, why am I so glad that it wasn't? I often think to myself: "What a time to be alive, that something like this is even possible." Forcing myself into a situation where it seems as though changing what I am on every level of existence is the only sane and viable solution, is really what I wanted all along, isn't it? After all, how else could I ever have the unyielding determination needed to make sure that I'll eventually succeed in fulfilling a dream that is called "impossible"?

I've been walking a narrow path, and now, I'm right in the middle. I can hear all of you yelling at me to turn back since it's dangerous. But I know that if I changed my mind now, all of my determination would slip away, and I would slip and fall into the abyss as I falter, lost forever as I would be too lost and broken to have the will to live anymore, let alone ever achieve Godhood.

The only way for me to survive this, is to keep facing forward and keep walking slowly and steadily, careful not to lose my balance. Whenever I find a shortcut along the way, I should and must take it, as the sooner I'll make it to the other side, the sooner I'll be safe.

I'm sorry that I made Tabby cry by being like this. I suppose I cry too sometimes, although it's usually about a bunch of nonsense like feeling like it's unfair that I have to go through so much just to have sex the way I want to when half the people are born female to begin with, or about the surgery date being so far away still due to the schedule being tight. I think it's nonsensical to cry about such things, since I should really be happy that I get to do these things at all; that there is a way for me to make my dream come true at all. As for her, she cried because it got to the point where I want these things at all, right?

I won't turn back or stop moving forward. All I can really promise is that I'll be careful not to fall, despite the circumstances.

I naively thought that perhaps in a few years, I could just let everyone know how well it went, and then everyone who genuinely worried about me would surely feel relieved. But now, I think that people would probably still feel sour about what I put myself through, even if it really does make me happier, and solves the issues with energetic dissonance so that I can empower myself more effectively. It would be foolish to expect anyone to cheer me on, or even be happy for me, under these circumstances.

But lately I'm making peace with it. I can be happy for myself. My partner and my parents can be happy for me. Perhaps even my Guardian will be happy for me too, if I really do make it through all of this safely.
But the first one out of those... Being happy for myself. I think that's the one that truly matters the most after all. And I am, and will be.

Hail Satan!

There's so many flaws here that I can't take the time to write about all of them. I have to get to bed. All of your deepest problems and insecurities and answers to your questions are on full display for you to review later on when you're in the right frame of mind to see it all clearly and objectively. You should look back on this comment of yours from time to time in the months ahead and up until your surgery date to try to see how much of your own psychology and hang ups you can pick up on. Try imagining yourself reading it from someone else's perspective outside of your own attachment to the issues.

I'll just say this. It's a lot of big talk. Changing your soul's gender (which is impossible) and then still achieving immortality, and saying you don't care if it takes 100 years or 1000 years or more, but you'll do whatever it takes to achieve it... Very big talk. It's only talk though. Impossible is impossible, and you can't change that with any amount of hope and determination. The serpent requires self acceptance to rise, and rejecting your soul's gender is rejecting yourself no matter what notions you conceive for your new artistic image of "self." How you express yourself doesn't determine what you are. People can express themselves by roaring like a dinosaur, but they're still human no matter what they choose to believe. Once you get what you want with this surgery, what then? You're going to lose your fuel. The obsession will be fulfilled, and then you won't know what to desire anymore. You'll lose your drive because you won't have anything new to "transform" into for your pretend fantasy. Your new normal is all you will have, and it's going to be feel quite empty. This happiness you look forward to is only an illusion and expectation. You've plowed through all of the arguments with your excuses and justifications (like wanting to do everything solo because you think you shouldn't rely on the Gods... seriously? You think they would just leave one of Satan's own to deal with an intersex body by themselves with no help?), and you've made up your mind so there's really nothing left to say. You're adamantly determined to reject everything your brothers and sisters are telling you and go through with your decision. I find it kind of ironic because this level of bullheadedness is mostly a tendency of males - the need to do everything themselves, and having this stubborn refusal to change their mind once it has been made up and they have decided on a course of action.

It's your life, Meteor. We can't make your decisions for you. All we can do is give you our advice and spiritual guidance. Now that everything has been said, wherever you end up will be of your own making. Good luck.

 

[Voice of Enki [JG]]

...

Meteor. Stop denying your self. Stop lying to yourself.

It is idiotic, the extend to which you go to in order to warp your view of reality to justify your delusion.

You need to get up and face reality. Stop living in your own stupid little fantasy world. It is sad and pathetic to see.

You've hurt yourself enough Meteor. Enough is enough. If you cannot stop yourself, I don't mind forcing you to get up and facing reality if that is what it takes.

You may not realize exactly what it means due to the state of mind you are in, but people here have actual powers and abilities, not only to see truth from falsehood, but also to reach out to other tangibly from anywhere at anytime.

We can see things astrally when we want to. I looked into you astrally, and decided to step in.

Come back here and read what we have said to you again after voiding your mind for however long it takes until it is completely quiet.

You've neglected even the most basic thing for months already, if not over a year. You've let your mind run amok uncontested and let it completely control you.

Absolutely foolish. As an SS the first thing everyone is to do, is to control their own mind through Void meditation to prevent situations like this from arising.

Delusions, confusion, errors in judgement, excessive anxiety or depression, etc are all quelled through Void meditation, the most basic of all things that every beginner learns right away after joining the JoS.

Stop neglecting the teachings of the Joy of Satan and teach yourself to function as a human being again, instead of treating yourself like a pathetic and useless broken rag.

Don't you dare still try to wallow in weakness after everything that has been said to you and done for you.

You have a duty to yourself, to the Gods and to your family to put yourself back together by facing reality and getting out of this self created swamp of weakness.

Get up and face reality Meteor.

 

[The Outlaw Torn]

Meteor should just post a picture of their junk so that this Male or Female debate is settled once and for all. Let’s not act like I’m the only one that really wants to see it.

I’m only half joking :lol:

It sounds like you’re just a gay outwardly effeminate twink dude that likes being penetrated you said that yourself.

I understand your aversion to Anal as someone who has been on both ends it is definitely more complicated, unclean, and possibly painful/damaging compared to vaginal, but the desire is still there and it sounds like astral sex has helped a lot with this.

Also one more thing, do you have a prostate? This is instrumental to being male and I don’t think you ever said before though there are so many pages I can’t digest it all.

 

[Aquarius]

Meteor should just post a picture of their junk so that this Male or Female debate is settled once and for all. Let’s not act like I’m the only one that really wants to see it.

I’m only half joking :lol:

It sounds like you’re just a gay outwardly effeminate twink dude that likes being penetrated you said that yourself.

I understand your aversion to Anal as someone who has been on both ends it is definitely more complicated, unclean, and possibly painful/damaging compared to vaginal, but the desire is still there and it sounds like astral sex has helped a lot with this.

Also one more thing, do you have a prostate? This is instrumental to being male and I don’t think you ever said before though there are so many pages I can’t digest it all.

Best reply ever.
:lol:

 

[tabby]

...

Even if you try to sabotage me psyschically, it's meaningless. Don't you realise that you're not the only one with abilities, and that I already expected you to do something like this and took measures against it in advance? It's not the first time someone tried to control my mind or brainwash me or do weird things to my Chakras, and I'm not naive or a weakling anymore. I have several ways to deal with precisely this sort of harassment. It's far from the first time, and I'm sure it won't be the last.

That said, I won't underestimate you. I'll take your warning and disengage from this place for some time.

Your criticisms are rather ironic, considering void meditation has been one of my biggest focuses the past year.

No one is trying to sabotage you except yourself. We are sensing you using our abilities, not altering you spiritually. That would be a violation. I can’t help but notice that you take a lot of what we say to mean things we do not, and it’s a little frustrating, because then you fling these poor assumptions back in defensive passive aggression that leads you in circles.

You can pretend and put on acts, but you cannot hide what your soul is. You already know you’re male, and your physical body is mostly male despite your intersex and alterations with hormones. So no, you will not be incarnating into a body that is female in future life times no matter what you do to yourself because you are not female. That is something you are going to have to accept lest you want to damn yourself through needlessly pushing this obsession.

You and I are not so different when it comes to obsessions. You hook into something and it’s like candy to a child. You can’t stop no matter the costs because it is like an uncontrollable hunger, a need to see its end. You become blind to all else because all you can see is the perceived result, and it steam rolls into a monster that poisons you from the inside. You think of nothing else, only about devouring it whole as it devours you and your life.

One obsession I had as a teen lead me straight into the arms of a cult. I was a young idiot fuelled by an intense desire I couldn’t let go of, and the cult a deranged bunch of crazies that brought me to the edge of nearly killing myself through brainwashing. It was maddening and I wanted to die, tortured by an entity they attached to me and brainwashed me to accept. If I could fight tooth and nail to kill that thing, and gain control of my own mind and body, heal from my mistakes and damage - you can as well, but you are not fighting. You’re drowning, willingly.

This level of obsession is a sickness that ruins you, and you are doing exactly what it wants.

I know the satisfaction of getting what you want from obsessions. Let me tell you right now, it is a hollow, selfish, bullshit satisfaction that costs more than the outcome its worth. You either work hard to get it under control or your obsessions are going to destroy you from the inside out.

You think you’ll be happy, just like a hippie thinks he’s happy from smoking weed. But your soul is going to continue screaming, breaking from the pain you’re causing yourself. Do you honestly believe the ends justify the means, if it means your soul suffers for life because of a reckless, irrational obsession? You have the opportunity to undo everything you’ve done to yourself and be truly happy inside and out but you’re choosing destructive self gratifying and temporary physical happiness over it. You say you’re aware of it, but you are not changing anything. Admitting to being insane and continuing to stay insane, is like a slave admitting they’re a slave but refusing to fight their enslavers. You’re a slave to your own obsession.

You’re afraid to be abandoned and rejected, and I have a suspicion that this fear is fuelling a good portion of your recklessness. Who are you really doing this for? Because if you really wanted to be happy, you would get control of yourself, end your own insanity and make a healthy adult decision to heal properly for yourself without caring if anyone in your life is going to be unhappy that you’re not actually a woman with a woman’s body.

 

[Jrvan]

Possession. I called it from the start, didn't I? Meteor's soul is locked in battle with an entity most likely. It's probably because of those female hormones and other influences that are causing confusion which makes the soul weakened and vulnerable. It's no surprise that something was able to hook in easily. Let this be a reminder that even those who dedicate their souls, can still be vulnerable and are NOT invincible. The Gods can't help someone even if they are dedicated if that person is willingly deluding and harming themselves. You can't save someone from quicksand if they won't even grab your hand.

Whatever. I don't care anymore. There's nothing more to say besides what a shame it is. People who willingly self destruct are only going to drag you down, and I know that better than most. I won't waste any more of my time with this. I've already done all I can for my brother.

 

[Ol argedco luciftias]

I don't want you to tell me the answer because it's none of my business. But ask this question to yourself. Do you have balls, or do you have ovaries? Nobody has both.

 

[The Outlaw Torn]

I don't want you to tell me the answer because it's none of my business. But ask this question to yourself. Do you have balls, or do you have ovaries? Nobody has both.

And are those balls functional and producing sperm.

 

[Jrvan]

Actually, you know what? I will say one more thing.

My partner and my parents can be happy for me. Perhaps even my Guardian will be happy for me too, if I really do make it through all of this safely.

Your parents and others in your life will only be happy for you because they are spiritually ignorant. If they were spiritually knowledgeable like us then they wouldn't be happy at all. In fact, they would be hurt, angry, sad, frustrated, distraught, and just generally a whole host of negative emotions including despair at the thought of your soul's fate. For that reason, I really wish they could all read these posts of yours and see your inner psychology for themselves, especially where you readily admit that you are insane. As the people who brought you into this world and who care about you most, I doubt they would be thrilled to read everything you have said here. And I doubt they would be okay with your reckless decision when all of the facts (as revealed by yourself) are considered.

 

[tabby]

You’re afraid to be abandoned and rejected, and I have a suspicion that this fear is fuelling a good portion of your recklessness. Who are you really doing this for? Because if you really wanted to be happy, you would get control of yourself, end your own insanity and make a healthy adult decision to heal properly for yourself without caring if anyone in your life is going to be unhappy that you’re not actually a woman with a woman’s body.

Before I go, I'd like to confirm that your suspicion is correct.

My fiancé thought of me as a woman ever since he met me, and for some reason, nothing I said to him or showed him ever changed his mind. I'm sure that even if he were to fuck me in the ass and stroke my dick, he would just look at my face and my breasts and listen to my voice, and think to himself: "Yep, this person is a woman." That's just how he thinks, for some reason, although I don't understand it personally.

Seriously, I really don't understand how he can think like that. After all, women don't have a penis, they have a vagina, therefore I'm a man, not a woman, right? But I don't want him to think that. Although he said that he loves me for who I am, I know he really prefers women, and that he wouldn't have fallen in love with me if he didn't see me as such. So when we have sex astrally and our minds synchronise, rather than standing my ground and asserting that I'm male because I physically have a dick, I think of myself as a woman so that we are in agreement. I can tell his belief about what I am gives him comfort, and I don't want to confuse him. He puts on a front, saying he would love me even if I'm "male" because I would still be me, but in actuality, he can only say that because he doesn't even take the idea of me being male seriously. What he really means is: "I'll still find you attractive even if you call yourself male, because you're still you, in other words, a woman."

When I was 16 years old, I had my first sexual encounter, but it was extremely awkward. I was in bed with the guy I liked and said I wanted him to have anal sex with me, but he declined, saying he wanted to save his virginity for someone with a vagina, since he thought having anal sex for his first time might fuck up his own sexual development. He stroked my dick for a few minutes, but I found it very boring and remained flaccid, so he asked if I wanted him to stop and I said yes. Then he suggested maybe I could try giving him a blowjob instead, so I had a look at his dick, but I noticed it was way bigger than any I'd ever seen before and I got startled, and I also didn't see how that would feel good for me, so I declined. Then we got out of bed and played a fighting game on his PlayStation, which was fun. But after I went home, I started to think: "So it's because I don't have a vagina that he won't have sex with me."

When I was 17 years old, I met a rather flirtatious man on the internet. He considered me a friend and wanted to help me over my gender dysphoria, and he managed to talk me into doing sexual things for him that he thought might help me with that. He would encourage me to engage thoroughly with my dick as well as my prostate, and called me "good boy" in an attempt to condition me and make me appreciate my male anatomy. I developed feelings for him, but no matter how many times I would come on to him, he would always reject me and insist that he can't romantically love a man, and that he only loves me as his friend. I'd request him to call me a girl rather than a boy, but he would always decline, saying he doesn't want to reinforce my confusion about my gender. Yet despite his efforts, there was one time he slipped out that if I was biologically female, he would put me in a cage and keep me for life, as he finds my personality the most attractive he's ever seen. Rather than being put off by his possessiveness, I thought: "So it's because I don't have a vagina that he won't love me."

When I go through with this surgery, and prove to myself that I'm female by looking at my genitalia in the mirror, I'll think: "So my partner was right, I really am a woman. There's nothing to feel insecure about." And my partner would say: "See? You were a woman all along. You only felt confused and insecure because your body wasn't right for you. I'm glad you feel more comfortable with yourself now; that's what really matters." And I would believe him and shed tears of relief, knowing that I found a place to belong in this world.

Is my fear of abandonment and rejection not completely justified, considering everyone I ever fell in love with prefers women? Even in my chart it's emphasised how important it is for me to be in a loving and secure relationship. I can't handle everything alone; let alone achieve Godhood. That's why this is the most viable way forward for me. As long as I have him by my side, I have the strength to accomplish anything.

As for VoiceofEnki, I advise you don't take this as an invitation to interfere with my engagement. You will get seriously hurt if you try, without accomplishing anything, as I've already accounted for everything. I don't have anything against you, I'm just letting you know what might happen if you keep doing reckless things. I'll be leaving the forums for a few years now as intended, to make it harder for you to connect to me or manipulate me. Thank you for caring, but forceful methods like yours are truly an unwelcome favour.

If you spend the rest of your life pleasing others and running away from the truth in order to avoid what you’re afraid of and avoid being alone, you will drown, and there will be no fixing yourself. There will be no happiness, Godhead or healing for you, and you will manifest exactly what you’re afraid of. You will fall into the abyss, damaged beyond repair, and sink into nothingness while you live the rest of your life trapped permanently in a lie.

There are men who love men, men who love women, and men who love both. Letting yourself be paralysed from poor match ups, settling for men who don’t love men, and using that and your intersex condition to justify choosing to delve deeper into insanity, confusion, and destroy yourself to satisfy their preferences and your out-of-control obsession, is really fucking stupid.

If you can’t face your fears and put your health and advancement before the petty selfish crap of others who clearly are not in communication with the Gods and would rather see you ruin yourself to fulfil their own needs, while you willingly let yourself be ruined out of fear - how can you walk the path of an SS when you are behaving and thinking exactly the opposite of one?

What you will gain from this surgery is lies and more lies that you will not come back from. You are a male parading as a “woman” to satisfy someone who doesn’t even love a fundamental part of your being because they are a heterosexual man.

You said once you believed truly that you and your fiancé were perfect for each other, and yet in your own words, they can’t even love who you are because they’d rather love an illusion than you. You choose to continue appeasing someone else’s selfish delusions and inability to own up to what they truly want and need instead of pulling yourself up, facing your own fears, and advancing properly. How insane are you to continue willingly allowing someone you care about to live in and satisfy their delusions at your expense? This isn’t some simple negotiation to find a balance between personal differences, this is full on body alteration to be something you are not and can’t be no matter how many times you choose knives and stitches over basic reality, harm yourself on a soul level, for someone else’s lies and your own.

The irony that you want somewhere to finally belong and not cover up any part of yourself, when you are rejecting truth, rejecting yourself, and running away from the one place that can give you that without forcing you to conform to delusions through unhealthy body alteration and madness. You don’t belong somewhere by twisting your arms, breaking your legs, and cutting off your head to squeeze into a mould that doesn’t fit.

This level of stupid is not becoming of an advancing SS, and one doesn’t need to be a long-timer to recognise that. It’s little to wonder working on void meditation all year isn’t helping you. You should know better by now than to actively feed lies and self destruction. You are aware of it completely, and you do nothing.

I’m not sugar coating this because frankly, you need a hard push back into reality. You are an idiot and behaving as a slave. It is your fucking body, soul and well being that you’re about to destroy for a life of lies.

I have work and RTR’s to focus on today, so this is my last comment to you because I’ve lost my patience with this merry-go-round. If you’re participating, think about what that really actually means. To choose truth over lies, knowledge over ignorance, freedom over fear, and advancement over temporary morphine. You can fight the enemies and drive your hateful blade into them with all your passion but you won't fight back against your own self created monsters and fears that you allow to bind you and devour you alive.

The price of not fighting back is not worth paying no matter how much morphine you take to convince yourself otherwise. Nothing is more painful than a lie, it only feels “good and right” to be consumed by them because of the morphine making you unable to feel how corroded you have become from them, and eventually it corrodes you to the point of no return that the morphine can’t even hide it anymore. The lies bleed into your life until you’re left choking on them, gasping for breath, and you fall unendingly into that abyss. There is no excuse or justification to damage ones body, soul, and self for deluded happiness.

That is where you are heading if you don’t stop yourself and get this nonsense under control.