Other #77747 Sometimes I get suic1d4l thoughts...

[AskSatanOperator]

I know I shouldn't say that, I know life is sacred and I should be grateful for being alive, but because of all the things that have happened to me and are still happening to me now I can't really find joy in life anymore.
I'll tell you a little bit about it:
I grew up in a family that, although they went out of their way to provide for me and my sister on the material side, on the emotional side they were always very absent, particularly with me. In fact, they always treated my sister in a better way than me. With her they talk more, they laugh, they joke ... with me they don't, always very distant and hypercritical, especially my mother. This has caused several self-esteem and trust issues and related problems in me. When I saw (and I see, nowdays) my peers having a wonderful relationship with their parents, or parents playing and cuddling with their children, I feel like crying and always think, “Why not me?”
Then checking my birth chart, I saw that I have a specific placement that causes this.
Now, although I am 26 years old and have realized/accepted that this is how my parents are and that I don't have to burden myself with the responsibility of making them change their attitudes and ideas, I admit that it still hurts me deep down. This is also the reason why I see Father Satan as a real father to me. I know that he's a God nad maybe I souldn't have this idea of him, but I can't help feeling this loving connection with him. I literally see him as the loving and caring Father I never had and I often dedicate to him love songs and poems to express my affection. I hope he appreciates it.
I also want to add that my parents are also very controlling : to give you an example, although I got my driver's license and proved several times that I know how to drive, they never let me have the car so that I can go out with the excuse of “you don't know the roads, we need the car, what if you get into an accident later?” etc. This today limits me a lot, I can never go anywhere on my own and I am always dependent on public transportation, which here in my country SUCKS!!!

the thing that hurts me most is my loneliness: I have no friends and all the love relationships I have had have been with men who have only taken advantage of me and my energy (I had a violent boyfriend when I was 15, one of my exes left me because he had a problem with drugs, one cheated etc..). I have no idea what it means to be truly loved, to be part of a group of friends who love me and include me in their lives, perhaps precisely because I have not learned what it meant since childhood. At 26 years old, I can practically say that I have lived little and nothing. I hardly ever go out, I've never done who knows what kind of trips (also because unfortunately my family is quite poor and I earn really little, so I can't afford it), I've never had someone to share good times with and have all the experiences that teenagers/young adults go through. I have been bullied since elementary school because I was considered weird and ugly, so no one wanted anything to do with me. Add to that the fact that I grew up in a small town where there are very few people, because my parents for economic reasons could never buy a house downtown.

I want to specify that I am a very sociable person, very open-minded and eager to meet new people. However, for some strange reason, it seems that people do not want to get to know me.
I'll give you an example: I meet a person, maybe we even like each other, I propose going out sometime. At the moment I am told yes, however, then when the actual time comes to arrange, they make excuses and then disappear.
This is a dynamic that has been going on forever, and I wonder if there is actually something wrong with me. I must have really been a shitty person in my past life to have all this now
or, when I ask someone if I can join their group of friends every now and then, they often say "mmmh we’ll see.." And then I always end up doing nothing. This weighs on me especially in summer, my favorite season, where I want to go out and do many things and instead I always find myself alone at home. (It happens often that I go out alone, I have no problems doing so, but after a while I admit that it becomes boring and I would like someone to do things with).

Now I have made a summary because I realize that the post already is very long, but the point is this: I am sick and tired of my life. I pretend everything's alright but deep down I'm deeply hurt and there's a void in me that I'm afraid will never be filled. I sometimes think that maybe ending my life would be so easy... I would stop suffering and feeling all this pain... my parents would have a weight less and maybe in my next life I will be luckier. Also, when I try to talk about what I feel, my problems are minimized and that only makes me close more and more. Everyone always says that I should just don't care, react, move on with my life... believe me, I TRY WITH ALL MY BODY AND SOUL but I can't seem to find a way out of this.

I have also done some spiritual works to attract more friends (Venus square) and to have more money but at the moment I do not see big results. I still have 4 days of square, who knows...
I am afraid that I will never be and feel loved and I only see darkness in my future.

I'm so sorry if this thread is long but I am crying and I needed to talk about my feelings. I beg you, brothers and sisters, do not minimize my feelings, I only need to be listened. My biggest thank you.
Hail Satan!!

 

[Recycler1337]

Brother, I grew up without a father and generally understand your point.

I can only say one thing, you are luckier than most anyway, there is a lot of suffering in this world at this time, think about the fact that you have food, water, a roof over your head, no chronic diseases or anything like that.

Think about the fact that 50% if not more of the population of this world has no internet and even if they do, it's just a pathetic piece of junk, no proper food, no water. They are literally surviving and see nothing better.

Some 100-200 years ago - your family could be killed in front of your eyes and it was the “norm” as there were continuous wars without meaning.

And so on and so forth.

Just don't dwell on the unlucky, live this life with dignity hoping the next one will be better.

Translated with DeepL.com (free version)

 

[SPIRITUS]

Greetings to you my family member! Nobody here will minimize your feelings, we are family! As you know, we have now entered the Age of Aquarius, which puts great emphasis on the Divine Feminine. Many people worldwide are experiencing similar feelings as you've described, especially those of us fortunate enough to be on this path. Also, Planetary Squares often bring these issues to the forefront. That said, we are more sensitive to the issues we need to work through; to finally put them behind us so we can continue uninhibited on our path to spiritual evolution.

I know you are probably aware of these things but it doesn't hurt to hear them again. Don't think negatively of yourself as you don't want to continue attracting those sorts of energies. Think positively in all matters, especially those concerning ourselves. Remember, these challenges are often reminders/tests of what we need to overcome to continue forward. I know it hurts when people treat you in the manner you have described and I know it hurts to feel lonely. However, I firmly believe that sticking to the basics (cleaning/aligning chakras, cleaning/protecting aura, meditation, yoga, Qi Gong) are key to maintaining ourselves during this time; even if it means doing these more often than we are accustomed to.

I want to point you toward some important sermons that will help and are ALWAYS worth reading again:

Healing the Emotional Body (for men too, don’t disregard this)

You have your physical body, soul, astral body, mental body, and more. The Emotional Body is the part of the soul that can be damaged when you experience emotional trauma, grief, bereavement, abandonment, and so on. Many people have emotional outbursts, immature reactions, trigger episodes...

ancient-forums.com

Exercise

Exercise helps in many areas of life, not just physical health, but also with mental health and clarity. People who exercise are generally more successful in life, with increased self-discipline and endurance, and a stronger will to accomplish goals. There are many studies you can find online...

ancient-forums.com

The People That Matter - The True and Fakes

As one's consciousness and maturity evolves, they understand more and more about the reality and the essence of all things. This also happens when it comes to human relations and other people that we have in our lives. Over time, especially when one is younger, they might either go into a lot...

ancient-forums.com

I would also recommend spending as much time as you are able to in the sun and nature (especially with the basics I listed above). Also, I know it's sounds tough, but create some positive affirmations about yourself (I am beautiful, I attract compatible people to me, etc.), they are incredibly beneficial and powerful. Give it some time and with earnest effort, you will see things begin to change for the better in your situation. Remember, how we think of ourselves is what people will most often perceive, so we may as well project our best possible selves!

One last thing, I'd recommend Astarte's Power Ritual for good measure and appeal to her for her Divine Guidance:

Astarte's Power Ritual - JoS Rituals

Welcome to JoS Rituals! Get access to RTRs, Power Rituals and much more. Discover Satan's gifts to Humanity.

tozrituals.org

I hope this helps you in some way!

Hail the Gods!!!

 

[Engineered Trasformation]

Hello there.
First of all, your presence here is glad to me. Do not feel rejected here: you won't be. You are a Satanic soul, you are of value for the world, and I perceive you with my astral senses as a positive person.
I am strongly impressed by your story, and this in a way recalls mine. I am double your age, or so, so I a have an extended view of how all of this worked in my life, bringing me too to severe loneliness and in constant fight to be "accepted".
I heard many stories on here, and personally from people, and it really seems to me the most positive and good Souls here, live the worst lives. It's like a global curse from the enemy probably, affecting the lives of people who are very valuable and noble, on here.
I also feel this comes from previous lives. The enemy had a stronger power decades and centuries ago, and I think they tortured, burned on the stake, damaged many valuable people who fought against the enemy, in bad ways. The consequence is present life damage and problems, manifesting.

Said this, the main point is : it's not your fault. You does not seem to have anything wrong in you, the way you write on here is clear and friendly.
It happens that, due to past or present life negativity, traumas and constant bashing and diminishing of you as a person, the mind build the idea of yourself as an ugly and non-glad person to others. So, assuming you meditate and you have a decent power in your Soul, you may be manifesting this projecting on others. You may be literally attracting the wrong people or leading them to reject you, because this is what you (secretly, deeply) think of you. It's not that you "think" this, it's a sort of deeper feeling in the unconscious mind.
In magick it's the unconscious mind programming energies, so if your unconscious constantly feels as unworthy for others, it may program your aura this way spontaneously.

The key to resolve this is, self-love. Self appreciation. Ending that feeling of blaming yourself for any action you perform, or asking yourself if you did it well or not well, stop being destructive to yourself.
Like... I found the way to to this? Partially, yes. Not completely. This is why I suggest this, as I tried this on myself, I mostly talk by experience on here.

Appreciate yourself, and you will slowly lead others to appreciate you. They do appreciate, I know, but sometimes I have been able to spot how people who is appreciating you, at a certain point is affected by some negative energies, leading this person to leave. I see how it works.
it may also be in the Planets, yes, but you can work to better things.

It's like being surrounded by a magnetic field, repelling others.
Also, I found in my studies that a deeper reason exists for this. It is fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being shown you are not accepted or liked. So the mind, pushes people away, so that you cannot build a relationship. If you can't build it, you can't be discharged later on. There will be no failure or rejection, because no relationship or friendship exists. Basically, it's escapism. This is a protection from your own mind: to avoid suffering, the mind chooses to avoid any situation that might lead to suffering.

Don't throw your life away jumping from a bridge.
Whan I was much younger I spent hours willing to end my life, as at the time I felt very bad and I though there was no hope. What a mistake.
You know what?
All the subsequent years, brought to me many things. I traveled in the world, made several jobs, had some friends, had some valuable and good partners , worked extensively for the Gods, visited places, made some sports.... a life. Full of problems, yes, but a life.
If I had suicide, I would not have been able to do so many things. Don't do that, please.
Yes, I am quite alone now. My mind plays some jokes sometimes, but it does not feel that bad. I will reverse this soon. There's always hope.

Should you want to talk, post here freely and anonymously. Whatever you want to vent out, you'll be listened to.

 

[SaqqaraNox]

Thank you for sharing your story. Unfortunately, I’m aware that the trauma of emotional abandonment can be very debilitating and devastating and that, in certain moments, all you can see is negativity. Your pain is real and no one here will ever diminish or invalidate what you’re going through.

That said - and I don’t mean to sound harsh - in everything you've written, no way gives you neither a valid reason nor the right to take your own life. Suicide is the quickest route to further aggravating the very problems you're already facing. You would carry the same karmic root into a new life, which would unfold in circumstances very similar to those you're living through now, if not worse. These difficulties you're enduring now are not worthy of your death; you have a value that runs deeper than what you can consciously comprehend. Do not assign such an undervalued meaning to your life.

Even if your life may seem unkind right now, as long as you have the will to face it and take back control, what you’re going through will only be a temporary phase.

Moreover, your understanding of karma is misguided; it does not work the way you're suggesting. I strongly encourage you to reread the sermons on karma written by the High Priests and to use the search function on these forums to better inform yourself. I must apologize, but I don't have the time to list them for you myself.

You also need to shift this victim mentality you’ve been carrying with you. You will not find the serenity you seek if you allow this mentality to dictate your path. Your situation is resolvable with time and your constant efforts.

You must act upon your soul to remove the negative karmic lines that afflict you and to build positive karma. Start with the basics. Build yourself a solid meditation program, one that is suited to your current soul level, and place particular emphasis on cleansing your aura. The basics are essential. Clean your aura multiple times every day, this alone will help so much, and absorb and program solar light to give you the fortitude, strenghth and vitality in every beneficial ways for you. Sunlight is especially powerful for boosting positivity and reinforcing a sense of self-worth.

When you are ready, you may begin to work with the Ansuz rune or the Munka mantra for deeper freeing working. With time this, along with daily yoga practice, will help you sever yourself eternally from that negative karmic root, to burn it away and dissolve it once and for all.

On the material level, start by visiting places or engaging in sports/disciplines or activities that genuinely interest you. This will lead you to meet people who share your interests, making it easier to form friendships. Don’t stay shut in at home. Go out and talk to people, engage with life.

The emotions you pour into your songs and poems are a gift and Zeus does not ignore this; on the contrary, He appreciates it. You express your beauty in this way as well. Draw closer to Zeus and meditate on His energy. Speak to Him and seek His guidance. For various reasons, I too lacked a father figure. So, I sought that presence in Zeus and in another God who is very close to me. And for this I can assure you, He will listen and will offer that presence to you.

 

[Engineered Trasformation]

I'm so sorry if this thread is long but I am crying and I needed to talk about my feelings. I beg you, brothers and sisters, do not minimize my feelings, I only need to be listened. My biggest thank you.

Are you still there? It would be lovely, to hear a word from you.
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