A
Anonymous
Guest
Hi folks, I need some advice.
I believe I am stuck in some sort of loop, some curse maybe? Past life trauma? Who knows.
Long story short, I have been dealing with depression and addiction for long time now. There are even posts I made about this in the past, seeking help. I had other account of which I forgot the password. Anyway, some time of the year I meditate, but then I reach some point where I just stop, start giving up slowly until I give it all up altogether and start smoking again and all sorts of destructive behavior. Some times there is something that triggers it. Some bad event that triggers bad emotions. Other times I get super exhausted. I'm beginning to see a pattern here. A loop. I am ok and feel unstoppable, manage to get my stuff together for about 6.months then begin falling down. Until I am at the point of considering suicide. I feel I keep getting closer to it. Always living on the edge of my sanity. I feel my own self fading away. My emotions, my humanity, my personality what used to make me happy. I feel empty. It's awkward and incredibly hard to explain.
I have a group of friends that helped me out the last time. Helped me get me on my feet again, and I started doing meditations and working out, stopped smoking drugs for almost a month, all was going fine, until something bad happened and I couldn't deal with it and I broke apart again, I lost the entire progress. Then due to all the motivation I had working out and what not, I damaged my legs and my back. Can't do any physical exercise or yoga for a very long time. Plus I believe my aura of protection is making my family ill at times. Having depression you get called a lazy ass pretty often because I lack the energy to lift a finger, most of the time, and people get mad at me without realizing what I'm going through then of course I lack the communication skills and the energy to explain. And I suppose that anger is thrown at me and it gets reflected into them. Which is not something I want to do. And it gets things really worse. I love my family and I don't want them hurt... I feel I'm running out of options here. And I don't think I'm going to live much longer, one day I'm afraid I'll pull the trigger. Im getting so used to giving up that one day it's not gonna matter. And I don't like this one bit. However I have ran out of energy to fight this. You have no idea how much of an hassle it is for me to just get out of bed and face a new day.
I'm not sure you guys are able to understand what I'm trying to explain here. I have been in solitude in my own desperation and anguished, for years and years and I have the same communication skills as a potato. And even if I wanted to seek professional help. I wouldn't know how to explain to people how deeply messed up I am. I can't even begin to understand the depths of it. There's something really wrong and I believe I've barely scratched the surface of it. I look around and see people acting normal. But me, always locked down in my own world.
I lost count to the times I fell, got back up just to fall down again a few months later.
I can't figure out what's going on. Im starting to think this is all pointless. I feel the warrior in me slowly turning into a coward and hiding in his corner. And it's not something I like. But I feel like I'm just observing it unfold before my eyes, without any power over it whatsoever. It's frustrating to have so many goals and stuff to achieve, and be totally powerless. Watch things evolve in the opposite direction and not be able to lift a finger to change the course of things.
I really hate asking people for help. And due to all of this madness, I'm not sure you would even believe me. My life is too crazy.
But I am desperate and I don't know what else to do. I dont believe there is a way out of this, if not through Satan. But I can't figure out how. I also feel pretty ashamed to even consider asking Satan for help. Not even sure I am able to reach him anyway.
I know I have asked this in the past... But I'm still stuck in here.
I am very sorry for the long text. And hopefully someone went through the same and managed to climb out of the hole successfully and has some useful tips. Would love to hear them. Thanks
I believe I am stuck in some sort of loop, some curse maybe? Past life trauma? Who knows.
Long story short, I have been dealing with depression and addiction for long time now. There are even posts I made about this in the past, seeking help. I had other account of which I forgot the password. Anyway, some time of the year I meditate, but then I reach some point where I just stop, start giving up slowly until I give it all up altogether and start smoking again and all sorts of destructive behavior. Some times there is something that triggers it. Some bad event that triggers bad emotions. Other times I get super exhausted. I'm beginning to see a pattern here. A loop. I am ok and feel unstoppable, manage to get my stuff together for about 6.months then begin falling down. Until I am at the point of considering suicide. I feel I keep getting closer to it. Always living on the edge of my sanity. I feel my own self fading away. My emotions, my humanity, my personality what used to make me happy. I feel empty. It's awkward and incredibly hard to explain.
I have a group of friends that helped me out the last time. Helped me get me on my feet again, and I started doing meditations and working out, stopped smoking drugs for almost a month, all was going fine, until something bad happened and I couldn't deal with it and I broke apart again, I lost the entire progress. Then due to all the motivation I had working out and what not, I damaged my legs and my back. Can't do any physical exercise or yoga for a very long time. Plus I believe my aura of protection is making my family ill at times. Having depression you get called a lazy ass pretty often because I lack the energy to lift a finger, most of the time, and people get mad at me without realizing what I'm going through then of course I lack the communication skills and the energy to explain. And I suppose that anger is thrown at me and it gets reflected into them. Which is not something I want to do. And it gets things really worse. I love my family and I don't want them hurt... I feel I'm running out of options here. And I don't think I'm going to live much longer, one day I'm afraid I'll pull the trigger. Im getting so used to giving up that one day it's not gonna matter. And I don't like this one bit. However I have ran out of energy to fight this. You have no idea how much of an hassle it is for me to just get out of bed and face a new day.
I'm not sure you guys are able to understand what I'm trying to explain here. I have been in solitude in my own desperation and anguished, for years and years and I have the same communication skills as a potato. And even if I wanted to seek professional help. I wouldn't know how to explain to people how deeply messed up I am. I can't even begin to understand the depths of it. There's something really wrong and I believe I've barely scratched the surface of it. I look around and see people acting normal. But me, always locked down in my own world.
I lost count to the times I fell, got back up just to fall down again a few months later.
I can't figure out what's going on. Im starting to think this is all pointless. I feel the warrior in me slowly turning into a coward and hiding in his corner. And it's not something I like. But I feel like I'm just observing it unfold before my eyes, without any power over it whatsoever. It's frustrating to have so many goals and stuff to achieve, and be totally powerless. Watch things evolve in the opposite direction and not be able to lift a finger to change the course of things.
I really hate asking people for help. And due to all of this madness, I'm not sure you would even believe me. My life is too crazy.
But I am desperate and I don't know what else to do. I dont believe there is a way out of this, if not through Satan. But I can't figure out how. I also feel pretty ashamed to even consider asking Satan for help. Not even sure I am able to reach him anyway.
I know I have asked this in the past... But I'm still stuck in here.
I am very sorry for the long text. And hopefully someone went through the same and managed to climb out of the hole successfully and has some useful tips. Would love to hear them. Thanks