Question #3596: Dealing with innate mediocrity and hopelessness

[AskSatanOperator]

I will try to convey my thoughts and my problems in the most understandable way I can, I apologize if you become confused over anything.
I believe I am irredeemably doomed from the moment I was born. I was raised in a first world country, sheltered from any threats against my life, with a roof and food on the plate every day, despite many episodes of financial trouble in my family. Lack of money meant that my access to activities such as playing instruments and the such was limited, if not outright impossible, but I've always been resourceful enough to find my way to information and opportunity. It is not the case that I feel like my childhood and teenage years lacked opportunities, the one who lacked was I, this is relevant for later.
Due to what I can only describe as incompetence or lack of discipline, most of my teenage years have been spent rather normally, albeit with very little to show for themselves in terms of skills or hobbies, despite my resourscefulness. Not only that, but awkwardness around people and a bit of bullying during elementary have done wonders to my social skills.
My looks department is not that impressive either, mouth breathing as a kid left my jaw in an awkward spot. Nowadays it's much better due to having undergone a period of 4+ years of orthodontics, but it's not a marked jawline by any means, and the facial structure is a bit underwhelming at best. I'm decently fit (can run for several kilometers, do up to 50 push ups in one go and several pull ups, I don't lift weights, just basic calisthenics), but nothing too spectacular. Much of my potential went into the pornography addiction I suffered as a teenager.
I was drawn to Satanism initially out of curiosity, my interest in the occult is unexplainable, but at one point I saw it as a means to solve my problems, and started meditating in hopes that it would help me out of my problems. Alas I am far from being an adept, and every serious attempt to talk to a Demon has been met with silence.
My current situation is not particularly bad from an outside perspective: I have friends in college, but it's drawing near its end. I am doing computer science, with about average grades (8/10 is mostly what I get), and I am not a good programmer because I have not bothered to hone my skills beyond what was necessary for my tasks, another instance of brilliance on my part, I know.

Here is the problem.

I feel as if I have failed spectacularly at life. I am 21, and have no good skillset to show for, no romantic partner of any nature (I feel particularly hopeless in this area due to my looks), and friends that will soon be a fading memory, and I feel a pressure in my chest every time I think about it. Every step I take seems too insignificant in face of how messed up my life is, and I'm even struggling with meditation, as I think that my selfish attitude towards Satanism has doomed me in the eyes of our Gods. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could be a good programmer, or find a partner, or learn a new skillset, but these would all take years, time that I honestly think I do not have anymore, because I simply cannot compete. I wish to have something to show for myself, but it all seems too far away, and the further away it is, the more hopeless I get. Why pursue programming now when 14 year olds that dream in Python and code demonstrations for graph algorithms in fucking FORTRAN are sought by companies? Why pursue a partner when there are many more impressive men out there that not only look better but can probably be wittier when it comes to humour and charms? Why learn anything new at this point? How much can I learn at 21 that will prove even remotely useful or help me gain an edge in this soulless, competitive environment we call a society?
I feel like I will lead an unimpressively grey life stuck in a vortex of self deprecation and futility until I die, and I believe that it was meant to be, despite my most ardent wishes for the contrary to happen. I was born talentless and giftless for everything that I have ever attempted to do, from learning languages, to playing sports, to programming, to interpersonal relationships. And not only that, but I was born without the drive, without the willpower to do anything. It's not that I was born with bad cards, I was born with no cards at all. My soul itself is probably defective. The current of life just sweeps me under. I am almost out of willpower to move forward at this point, I am at my wits end. I meditate out of obligation with myself from back when I dedicated, and exercise out of pure habit. I feel lucky I still have these things going on for me at this point in life, but if I drop these it will be the end of me as a sentient being, and would seriously consider putting an end to it all in that case. Hope it doesn't reach that point.

I feel selfish for asking this, but I really need some advice and help, I don't think I can fight this alone, but no one really cares about my life besides myself. My family would not understand these struggles, I've always put on a nice image out for them, and I want to be their support, an example to my younger brother who looks up to me as an example. I can only ask you, if you'll have me. A meditation, a ritual, all of those are nice and I will gladly do them, I will take any piece of advice and any working you can suggest. I really want to see what options I have. If it turns out I am truly lost, then a way to cope with it would be much appreciated. I hope that one day I can give you all something back in return, I don't want to just take your generosity for granted and run away with it. It's such a horrible topic to post just 3 days into the new year, but Yule and New Year Eve are celebrations that eat away at my soul for reasons that I hope are now clear by now. I apologize for the huge wall of text.

May all of the JoS and all Demons be blessed.

 

[existentialcrisis]

I will try to convey my thoughts and my problems in the most understandable way I can, I apologize if you become confused over anything.
I believe I am irredeemably doomed from the moment I was born. I was raised in a first world country, sheltered from any threats against my life, with a roof and food on the plate every day, despite many episodes of financial trouble in my family. Lack of money meant that my access to activities such as playing instruments and the such was limited, if not outright impossible, but I've always been resourceful enough to find my way to information and opportunity. It is not the case that I feel like my childhood and teenage years lacked opportunities, the one who lacked was I, this is relevant for later.
Due to what I can only describe as incompetence or lack of discipline, most of my teenage years have been spent rather normally, albeit with very little to show for themselves in terms of skills or hobbies, despite my resourscefulness. Not only that, but awkwardness around people and a bit of bullying during elementary have done wonders to my social skills.
My looks department is not that impressive either, mouth breathing as a kid left my jaw in an awkward spot. Nowadays it's much better due to having undergone a period of 4+ years of orthodontics, but it's not a marked jawline by any means, and the facial structure is a bit underwhelming at best. I'm decently fit (can run for several kilometers, do up to 50 push ups in one go and several pull ups, I don't lift weights, just basic calisthenics), but nothing too spectacular. Much of my potential went into the pornography addiction I suffered as a teenager.
I was drawn to Satanism initially out of curiosity, my interest in the occult is unexplainable, but at one point I saw it as a means to solve my problems, and started meditating in hopes that it would help me out of my problems. Alas I am far from being an adept, and every serious attempt to talk to a Demon has been met with silence.
My current situation is not particularly bad from an outside perspective: I have friends in college, but it's drawing near its end. I am doing computer science, with about average grades (8/10 is mostly what I get), and I am not a good programmer because I have not bothered to hone my skills beyond what was necessary for my tasks, another instance of brilliance on my part, I know.

Here is the problem.

I feel as if I have failed spectacularly at life. I am 21, and have no good skillset to show for, no romantic partner of any nature (I feel particularly hopeless in this area due to my looks), and friends that will soon be a fading memory, and I feel a pressure in my chest every time I think about it. Every step I take seems too insignificant in face of how messed up my life is, and I'm even struggling with meditation, as I think that my selfish attitude towards Satanism has doomed me in the eyes of our Gods. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could be a good programmer, or find a partner, or learn a new skillset, but these would all take years, time that I honestly think I do not have anymore, because I simply cannot compete. I wish to have something to show for myself, but it all seems too far away, and the further away it is, the more hopeless I get. Why pursue programming now when 14 year olds that dream in Python and code demonstrations for graph algorithms in fucking FORTRAN are sought by companies? Why pursue a partner when there are many more impressive men out there that not only look better but can probably be wittier when it comes to humour and charms? Why learn anything new at this point? How much can I learn at 21 that will prove even remotely useful or help me gain an edge in this soulless, competitive environment we call a society?
I feel like I will lead an unimpressively grey life stuck in a vortex of self deprecation and futility until I die, and I believe that it was meant to be, despite my most ardent wishes for the contrary to happen. I was born talentless and giftless for everything that I have ever attempted to do, from learning languages, to playing sports, to programming, to interpersonal relationships. And not only that, but I was born without the drive, without the willpower to do anything. It's not that I was born with bad cards, I was born with no cards at all. My soul itself is probably defective. The current of life just sweeps me under. I am almost out of willpower to move forward at this point, I am at my wits end. I meditate out of obligation with myself from back when I dedicated, and exercise out of pure habit. I feel lucky I still have these things going on for me at this point in life, but if I drop these it will be the end of me as a sentient being, and would seriously consider putting an end to it all in that case. Hope it doesn't reach that point.

I feel selfish for asking this, but I really need some advice and help, I don't think I can fight this alone, but no one really cares about my life besides myself. My family would not understand these struggles, I've always put on a nice image out for them, and I want to be their support, an example to my younger brother who looks up to me as an example. I can only ask you, if you'll have me. A meditation, a ritual, all of those are nice and I will gladly do them, I will take any piece of advice and any working you can suggest. I really want to see what options I have. If it turns out I am truly lost, then a way to cope with it would be much appreciated. I hope that one day I can give you all something back in return, I don't want to just take your generosity for granted and run away with it. It's such a horrible topic to post just 3 days into the new year, but Yule and New Year Eve are celebrations that eat away at my soul for reasons that I hope are now clear by now. I apologize for the huge wall of text.

May all of the JoS and all Demons be blessed.

You talk about yourself like you're some blackpilled hikkikomori incel, but you are in a better position than most and have many things going for you. Life isn't cruel to you, you are cruel to you. You're closing your own doors. It has nothing to do with your jawline or romantic experience.

You need to change your attitude and outlook on life, because if you don't then your perception of life will eventually become reality.

I think someone like you would benefit the most from getting therapy, to help you change your outlook.

 

[Aquarius]

My boy, in every young boy's life come the moment in which he will feel like he wasted time and knows he could have done much more.

Now, read Hooded Cobra's sermon about Janus before reading this next paragraph.

You have two doors in front of you, and you know where they will bring you, one will bring you nowhere, it will actually make you regress because of you keeping on the feeling sad for yourself act, the other door is the door you take that leads you to improving yourself as a man, it's a door of discipline and confidence in yourself, you take it, you will go far and succeed if you put in effort.

Choose wisely which door to take.

My best regards.

 

[Henu the Great]

You are young, only 21 years of age, and reading what you relayed has things quite well set. The major thing, as already mentioned, is your outlook on life. By gradually changing that, you will achieve many more great things in your life and will enjoy it to the fullest.

There are no limitations in Satanism. If you want to be successful in something, you have to work for it. Also, we have soul-developing practices and magick at our disposal to give us an edge over others, and most importantly, to develop and evolve as human beings. Not to mention the gracious blessings of Gods. So, cheer up and make your way as there is nothing to worry and many things to do!

 

[Egon]

You need to cultivate Mars energy by going to the gym and/or practicing a martial art: https://www.ancient-forums.com/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=89196
After your physical session instead of a standard stretching you go home and do the hatha yoga session: https://satanslibrary.org/Yoga_Routine.html

This will make you feel proud and capable of achieving other things too.
Do the Sun and the Mars squares whenever you can following the Satanic Calendar: https://www.ancient-forums.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=92906
Sun Square thread: https://www.ancient-forums.com/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=76205

 

[NakedPluto [JG]]

Stop being afraid of bad feelings and realities, unlearn to be mediocre and learn to be a warrior. All of these things are learned and hope is for those who fight for it. Hope is a weapon as much as a life boat.

What you feel right now is that you haven't mattered in any personal element in your life, so you can identify with it, you just have been and have reacted. Where is your personality, the you! In this equation? You have to build the you here.

It has nothing to do with anything besides your own recognition of yourself, your convictions of life to be acted, emotions to be shaped and used, life to be built and challenges you accept towards yourself.

 

[AristocraticDragon666]

I will try to convey my thoughts and my problems in the most understandable way I can, I apologize if you become confused over anything.
I believe I am irredeemably doomed from the moment I was born. I was raised in a first world country, sheltered from any threats against my life, with a roof and food on the plate every day, despite many episodes of financial trouble in my family. Lack of money meant that my access to activities such as playing instruments and the such was limited, if not outright impossible, but I've always been resourceful enough to find my way to information and opportunity. It is not the case that I feel like my childhood and teenage years lacked opportunities, the one who lacked was I, this is relevant for later.
Due to what I can only describe as incompetence or lack of discipline, most of my teenage years have been spent rather normally, albeit with very little to show for themselves in terms of skills or hobbies, despite my resourscefulness. Not only that, but awkwardness around people and a bit of bullying during elementary have done wonders to my social skills.
My looks department is not that impressive either, mouth breathing as a kid left my jaw in an awkward spot. Nowadays it's much better due to having undergone a period of 4+ years of orthodontics, but it's not a marked jawline by any means, and the facial structure is a bit underwhelming at best. I'm decently fit (can run for several kilometers, do up to 50 push ups in one go and several pull ups, I don't lift weights, just basic calisthenics), but nothing too spectacular. Much of my potential went into the pornography addiction I suffered as a teenager.
I was drawn to Satanism initially out of curiosity, my interest in the occult is unexplainable, but at one point I saw it as a means to solve my problems, and started meditating in hopes that it would help me out of my problems. Alas I am far from being an adept, and every serious attempt to talk to a Demon has been met with silence.
My current situation is not particularly bad from an outside perspective: I have friends in college, but it's drawing near its end. I am doing computer science, with about average grades (8/10 is mostly what I get), and I am not a good programmer because I have not bothered to hone my skills beyond what was necessary for my tasks, another instance of brilliance on my part, I know.

Here is the problem.

I feel as if I have failed spectacularly at life. I am 21, and have no good skillset to show for, no romantic partner of any nature (I feel particularly hopeless in this area due to my looks), and friends that will soon be a fading memory, and I feel a pressure in my chest every time I think about it. Every step I take seems too insignificant in face of how messed up my life is, and I'm even struggling with meditation, as I think that my selfish attitude towards Satanism has doomed me in the eyes of our Gods. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could be a good programmer, or find a partner, or learn a new skillset, but these would all take years, time that I honestly think I do not have anymore, because I simply cannot compete. I wish to have something to show for myself, but it all seems too far away, and the further away it is, the more hopeless I get. Why pursue programming now when 14 year olds that dream in Python and code demonstrations for graph algorithms in fucking FORTRAN are sought by companies? Why pursue a partner when there are many more impressive men out there that not only look better but can probably be wittier when it comes to humour and charms? Why learn anything new at this point? How much can I learn at 21 that will prove even remotely useful or help me gain an edge in this soulless, competitive environment we call a society?
I feel like I will lead an unimpressively grey life stuck in a vortex of self deprecation and futility until I die, and I believe that it was meant to be, despite my most ardent wishes for the contrary to happen. I was born talentless and giftless for everything that I have ever attempted to do, from learning languages, to playing sports, to programming, to interpersonal relationships. And not only that, but I was born without the drive, without the willpower to do anything. It's not that I was born with bad cards, I was born with no cards at all. My soul itself is probably defective. The current of life just sweeps me under. I am almost out of willpower to move forward at this point, I am at my wits end. I meditate out of obligation with myself from back when I dedicated, and exercise out of pure habit. I feel lucky I still have these things going on for me at this point in life, but if I drop these it will be the end of me as a sentient being, and would seriously consider putting an end to it all in that case. Hope it doesn't reach that point.

I feel selfish for asking this, but I really need some advice and help, I don't think I can fight this alone, but no one really cares about my life besides myself. My family would not understand these struggles, I've always put on a nice image out for them, and I want to be their support, an example to my younger brother who looks up to me as an example. I can only ask you, if you'll have me. A meditation, a ritual, all of those are nice and I will gladly do them, I will take any piece of advice and any working you can suggest. I really want to see what options I have. If it turns out I am truly lost, then a way to cope with it would be much appreciated. I hope that one day I can give you all something back in return, I don't want to just take your generosity for granted and run away with it. It's such a horrible topic to post just 3 days into the new year, but Yule and New Year Eve are celebrations that eat away at my soul for reasons that I hope are now clear by now. I apologize for the huge wall of text.

May all of the JoS and all Demons be blessed.

Well done for sharing your problem!
You need to work on your self-esteem, improve it!

 

[Blitzkreig [JG]]

I will try to convey my thoughts and my problems in the most understandable way I can, I apologize if you become confused over anything.
I believe I am irredeemably doomed from the moment I was born. I was raised in a first world country, sheltered from any threats against my life, with a roof and food on the plate every day, despite many episodes of financial trouble in my family. Lack of money meant that my access to activities such as playing instruments and the such was limited, if not outright impossible, but I've always been resourceful enough to find my way to information and opportunity. It is not the case that I feel like my childhood and teenage years lacked opportunities, the one who lacked was I, this is relevant for later.
Due to what I can only describe as incompetence or lack of discipline, most of my teenage years have been spent rather normally, albeit with very little to show for themselves in terms of skills or hobbies, despite my resourscefulness. Not only that, but awkwardness around people and a bit of bullying during elementary have done wonders to my social skills.
My looks department is not that impressive either, mouth breathing as a kid left my jaw in an awkward spot. Nowadays it's much better due to having undergone a period of 4+ years of orthodontics, but it's not a marked jawline by any means, and the facial structure is a bit underwhelming at best. I'm decently fit (can run for several kilometers, do up to 50 push ups in one go and several pull ups, I don't lift weights, just basic calisthenics), but nothing too spectacular. Much of my potential went into the pornography addiction I suffered as a teenager.
I was drawn to Satanism initially out of curiosity, my interest in the occult is unexplainable, but at one point I saw it as a means to solve my problems, and started meditating in hopes that it would help me out of my problems. Alas I am far from being an adept, and every serious attempt to talk to a Demon has been met with silence.
My current situation is not particularly bad from an outside perspective: I have friends in college, but it's drawing near its end. I am doing computer science, with about average grades (8/10 is mostly what I get), and I am not a good programmer because I have not bothered to hone my skills beyond what was necessary for my tasks, another instance of brilliance on my part, I know.

Here is the problem.

I feel as if I have failed spectacularly at life. I am 21, and have no good skillset to show for, no romantic partner of any nature (I feel particularly hopeless in this area due to my looks), and friends that will soon be a fading memory, and I feel a pressure in my chest every time I think about it. Every step I take seems too insignificant in face of how messed up my life is, and I'm even struggling with meditation, as I think that my selfish attitude towards Satanism has doomed me in the eyes of our Gods. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could be a good programmer, or find a partner, or learn a new skillset, but these would all take years, time that I honestly think I do not have anymore, because I simply cannot compete. I wish to have something to show for myself, but it all seems too far away, and the further away it is, the more hopeless I get. Why pursue programming now when 14 year olds that dream in Python and code demonstrations for graph algorithms in fucking FORTRAN are sought by companies? Why pursue a partner when there are many more impressive men out there that not only look better but can probably be wittier when it comes to humour and charms? Why learn anything new at this point? How much can I learn at 21 that will prove even remotely useful or help me gain an edge in this soulless, competitive environment we call a society?
I feel like I will lead an unimpressively grey life stuck in a vortex of self deprecation and futility until I die, and I believe that it was meant to be, despite my most ardent wishes for the contrary to happen. I was born talentless and giftless for everything that I have ever attempted to do, from learning languages, to playing sports, to programming, to interpersonal relationships. And not only that, but I was born without the drive, without the willpower to do anything. It's not that I was born with bad cards, I was born with no cards at all. My soul itself is probably defective. The current of life just sweeps me under. I am almost out of willpower to move forward at this point, I am at my wits end. I meditate out of obligation with myself from back when I dedicated, and exercise out of pure habit. I feel lucky I still have these things going on for me at this point in life, but if I drop these it will be the end of me as a sentient being, and would seriously consider putting an end to it all in that case. Hope it doesn't reach that point.

I feel selfish for asking this, but I really need some advice and help, I don't think I can fight this alone, but no one really cares about my life besides myself. My family would not understand these struggles, I've always put on a nice image out for them, and I want to be their support, an example to my younger brother who looks up to me as an example. I can only ask you, if you'll have me. A meditation, a ritual, all of those are nice and I will gladly do them, I will take any piece of advice and any working you can suggest. I really want to see what options I have. If it turns out I am truly lost, then a way to cope with it would be much appreciated. I hope that one day I can give you all something back in return, I don't want to just take your generosity for granted and run away with it. It's such a horrible topic to post just 3 days into the new year, but Yule and New Year Eve are celebrations that eat away at my soul for reasons that I hope are now clear by now. I apologize for the huge wall of text.

May all of the JoS and all Demons be blessed.

Just to quickly and broadly answer, no you should not feel guilty about asking for help, or if the topic is grim. However, this is exceptionally cynical, although it may take you time to realize this. You have to first allow yourself the space to try various solutions, rather than prematurely giving up here.

No, you are not doomed in the eyes of the Gods, and no your goals and desires are not unachievable. You are hating on yourself way too much, including stomping on the unique elements of your soul which would distinguish you, namely the fact that you are an SS above all things, whereas none of these other people you are concerned with are.

You can begin workings to solidify your meditation routine and to address the concerns you have, but you should make an account so we can better coordinate these things, and on more specific levels.