I have fallen behind on my meditations. I need to do 3 sessions worth of 40-day program meditations and 2 sessions worth of RTRs. This is not counting tomorrow morning, which added on, makes 4 sessions of 40-day program meditations and 3 sessions of RTRs. All I would have to do to have not fallen behind like this is leave to go back home 2-3 hours earlier to do the meditations. Otherwise, I have to get up and go at an "early" enough time (for a 3rd shifter, maintaining sleep cycle) to head out, as my life is closely tied to one of my close family members, who is a 30-minute drive away. This is no excuse, as there's nothing stopping me from leaving 2-3 hours earlier, and that's pretty much what I'm going to have to do to ensure that I don't fall behind like this.
Taking the time to do the meditations in the limited amount of time I have to sleep, the limiter being that I need to get up to leave at some point during the day, is a significant cause of depleting my willpower to do the meditations. If I take the time to do the meditation, I might only get 3-4 hours of hours of sleep. Doing the meditations when I'm tired and just want to go to sleep just about gives me a nervous breakdown. Leaving earlier would solve that problem, at least while I'm not working.
TL;DR, I have fallen short, and as far as I'm concerned, I have failed the 40 day challenge. I can catch up and retain a "second-place" position by at least doing the same number of exercises, but I have failed to be consistent, the most important part of the challenge.
I humbly take responsibility and accountability before Satan and Lilith and all of Hell, for my failure. My ambitions are such that failure is not an option. I can't live with myself knowing that I'm not putting forth 110% effort. My vision puts me squarely in the position of being the adversary of the entire world, and I must shoulder the burdens of the world's hatred. I consider myself a living sacrifice to Satan, and I feel like failing to keep up with my spiritual exercises is an act of disrespect, as I am far more responsible for my failures than others who don't share my vision are. That is to say, it would be more forgivable if someone else who took this challenge made the same mistakes I did, if they don't share my vision.
I've been a dedicated Satanist for too long to have any excuse (about a year by now), I've been slacking for too long. There is no excuse for my incessant failure. I alone must bear the full brunt of the responsibility for my failures, but even more, in order for me to accomplish my vision, I must shoulder an even heavier burden, an almost unbearable burden. But I offer myself as a sacrifice, to create the Ubermensch, and I know that what I must shoulder to accomplish that is much harsher than I could possibly hope to bear, but I won't be able to live with myself if I give up on this vision. For these reasons, there is absolutely no excuse for me to fail. I feel that even one failure is a permanent mark against me, and I can't be forgiven, for once I slack off, it's too late to get that time back, and there's not much time left. I fully and humbly accept Satan's judgement, no matter what it is.
