Blitzkreig [JG said:
" post_id=445215 time=1685000377 user_id=21286]
Wildfire said:
If you try to play superhero to every villain on earth, then you will spend the rest of eternity doing this. That is not to mention that you should be putting your attention towards improving yourself and fighting the spiritual war, rather than trying to run off and do your own thing.
Nobody is saying you cannot create justice here, but you shouldn't derail your life and future just over your impulses here. There is a very strong possibility of creating negative situations for yourself that could be entirely avoided if you just chill out now. Justice can be had when you are in a stable and advanced position to do so, not based off your sudden urges.
Many people ruin themselves because they "think they have to do something" despite it being a totally drastic and emotionally charged impulse. This is basically the definition of potentially collapsing yourself. It is the opposite of becoming strong and successful, as you will open yourself to all sorts of negative manifestations that come with what you are describing.
As far as I can tell, you are typing this within the safety of your home, in an otherwise good place that allows you to advance. Throwing all of this away just to try to be a superhero is reckless.
I am sure everyone can understand how you feel, but you have to be able to calm down and delay your impulses on this. There is no cause for alarm or any type of "AH SCREW IT" self-destructive behavior.
Every. single. time.
Whenever I try to sit down or find a quiet place to meditate, I am welcomed by myself telling me to go kill myself and call me so many hideous names. I've done something horribly wrong, I'm no longer a "human" according to what I did. I just wish I really had strong will to kill myself but even if I did, where the hell would all that have gone to instead? Yes, to improving myself. But with a hectic schedule to follow up with, I have no time to try keeping up or finally attain the higher standard jobs I want.
I'm in a "comfortable" place, yes. I try to maintain with small savings, with shitty people at work, with a school much better now but classroom settings give me flashbacks of getting kicked and beaten up badly every time. I'm left meditating in the morning and night no matter how those middle hours will be full of toxicity and sights that make me want to off myself. People just don't understand why I'm sometimes avoidant which annoys the fuck out of me.
I get repeats of violent physical assaults every time I panic, fuck up, and lose something critical in life, I get sensations of imaginary people at my back laughing at me, calling me a coward when I can't hurt anyone back. When I can't "win" against them. I'd always be left with emotional wounds that will grow infected, and I was left to grow up with them too.
Guess I'll die slowly of rage, hate, or just try everything else until I am in a place where I'll make those people wish they were never born. What the hell am I, I want to calm down yet I put myself in places that stress the fuck out of me. I'm killing myself like it's dementia but one's not forgetting, he or she's just getting crazier and crazier till one's a total animal.
I'm such a dumbass, always one, always will be like it's been set in my stone. I've hurt people out of rage, nervous breakdowns, cut people away, and find myself standing over heights every time thinking of jumping. I've caused havoc in people, I've tried to keep it away and locked away, tried cleaning it away but reoccurrences in life revoke my rage. If I punch trees out of rage, does this make me someone who's stupidly hurting nature?
Glad I'm not in jail yet, or maybe not because everything I did in this adulthood of mine makes me a monster now. The rune post you sent me by the way, guess I'll have to do 80 reps for trying to calm the hell down. I shouldn't have said too much, just because of a song. It reminded me of what has been taken away from me, the reason on why I joined to soon fulfill my vengeance on those idiots. I lost my social abilities and trust in the world, my long-gone hopeful heart for the world that died because of them.
Oh well, but if this shit in me doesn't get off after years, then this should be a lesson to people who are parents to be very careful and open-minded with what they do to their kids, even to bullies in the forum on what would become of the kid they might be victimizing right now. I'm left with anger impulses I usually throw into RTRs, instead of morbid stuff above happening to me or people, it goes to the kikes getting "body horror partied" instead. I already knew how unsaved I still might be even if I have grown more brain cells or not. It's all thanks to you guys I haven't went full troglodyte yet and turned places into my personal meat shops.
I got people I'm in charge of now like some friend pack leader for the first time in my life and I think of throwing this all away just because of some shitty people I'd end up killing? I need to find better ways to put these cruel people out, I doubt these people would change now, they're too far gone.
Even if there are smarter ways to off people, I'll just keep defending from them till some help happens, they've stolen from me and almost got me to die hungry so these fuckers still have a mark on them. I don't want to be put in even worse places right now. But if they threaten my new life I have built and kept protected, threaten my friends, then expect everything I've been told about standing my ground to immediately vaporize.
Thanks for your care, even if I might end up dead at any moment. I can say that I'd love to be an SS again in the next life, but this time will aim to be a smarter and better soul once I leave my life for good, I don't know what to feel anymore. It's so unfair that you all get the worst of the world no matter how much you have done to really keep it alive.
Let me see if I can just help myself quietly now. Thank you blitzkreig.
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