Pretty chatty today, Brother..
I feel bad as I have to be super brief this time, I just finished today's offensive but wanted to reply to you before getting to meditation.
Let's see...
Reading of your experience with Leraje and how you have finally managed to calm yourself down, finding peace to the point getting so good at discerning messages, seeing, 'being' in this place, garden, your astral temple etc, has made me realize this is a problem I have yet to deal with. Calming myself down..
Today, after the initial FRTR (and after reading your reply) I decided I should have dedicated some time to simply try and void myself as best as I could. Void meditation is for me, as I'm sure I said before, probably the hardest thing, whereas others find it easily accomplishable. I try to calm my mind, to focus on silence, to focus on sounds, to focus on Runes and mantras, to focus on sigils, on the image of the Gods I have seen... in the end I can only hold that something up for a fraction of second, and get incredibly mad at myself for feeling such an incompetent idiot.
I decided this is intolerable and unforgivable, that I must absolutely calm my mind to the point of entering a good enough trance, I won't settle for 'decent' anymore, and to HOLD it there for at least half a minute before my concentration falters. This may be hard, or maybe it's easy to some, but I must accomplish at least this, or I feel a lot of what I do, RTRs and warfare aside, is getting me nowhere 'higher'. I don't want that.
Today, I noticed these 'moments' in which, somehow, mostly by trying to focus on a single something, a thought of a place seemed to work best, I would become instantly aware of this silence. This is really hard to explain... I became aware that there was a constant 'hum' within me only because it would momentarily stop for less than a second, and I felt myself... almost locked to the outside, as if my total attention would turn inward, into an abyss that I don't know I own. This is the most specific I can be. This 'noise' would shut up and I would realize there's another state, that I can trigger it at will, but that it's so very hard to get it triggered.
I'm going to work on this after I send this message, hopefully it's not too late as I felt yawns coming up during the rituals as well... fucking sleep.
You mentioned you're Twin Souled, and I'm afraid I have no idea what that means. Some of the problems you have faced, those that seem to stick with you the most, I could observe in myself. I doubt we have too many similitudes but your generic situation sounds somehow familiar to me. Maybe I can understand more about myself as well, who knows. It's always a pleasure to read of your experiences, though. I definitely learned more from you since I joined this forum than from anybody else, except only HP Maxine as she created the most useful website on the entire internet.
The whole "being great at helping other but not knowing how to help yourself"... this strongly resonates with who I am. Truth be told, what I feel I gave others whom I have helped is just the breadcrumbs of much more intricate information, but their perceiving of this as something they wouldn't have reached by themselves certainly has a good amount of satisfaction coming with it. There's that part in 'Alice in Wonderland' that says.. "But that’s just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."
This is why, whenever I can (and I half suspect you do exactly the same as me here), I prefer to write longer posts and make examples and come up with a different angle to analyze a problem. As I type it down and think about it, chances are I'll think of something that can aid me as well. And often, after I clicked submit, I fail to use that advice or hint, forgetting about it until I read it again and wondering why I haven't used such a good idea for myself. Stupid as, really.
Oh, about that... pre-emptive feeling before an attack.. I did that once (two years ago, under constant stress and very much attacked often). This was during what was one of the best voluntary trances I've got myself into.. somehow I managed to follow a vibration and entered this state.. like what I would assume a good hypnotic state is, not that deep but deep enough to feel an mental attack like it was physical.
What happened was that I became immediately aware of entities leeching me. I could literally feel their 'probes' or 'tendrils' brushing against my brain, almost trying to grasp it, or form a grip.. needless to say, I was frightened like I hadn't been in forever, or maybe never before.. more like. I felt powerless for what seemed like minutes, and then I remembered I should have used 'Fire'.. astral Fire obviously. So I created a small conflagration, enveloping these motherfuckers and my paralyzing fear quickly turned into a joy that was almost sadistic. They had it coming, and I realized I could easily scare them off. After a couple minutes, I tried that meditation again, successfully slowing my brain activity (that was the only day I managed such a feat with so little effort) and I felt, probably much like you did, this 'impending' attack. (Remember when you were worried about me getting too close to my infested ex, and I said I was ready for that? This is the event I was talking about.) Unlike what another would have done, however, I decided to let it happen. Crazy, perhaps, but I was sure I could withstand it this time.
So I sat comfortably, almost pretending I didn't know, and when I felt the familiar brushing of 'tendrils' on my brain, I raised that astral Fire to envelop my whole body, not much further than at skin level. I felt the damn things trying their best to connect to my brain again.. failing miserably. They were completely incapable of going forward, even with the advantage of not being flooded with a wave of astral Fire. It reminded me a lot of how an arrogant tall bully would hold a small child's toy above their head and raise the toy when the child's hands were about to grasp it. Same thing here. They couldn't touch me.
Later on, I read of how it's a good method to use Satanic Blue Fire as an excellent deterrent for astral parasites, but I never had that ominous feeling of being directly under attack again. This, due to my immense stupidity, was all my fault as that same year I almost drifted away from Spiritual Satanism.. WHILE I was actually (by following very wrong instructions) trying to get any closer to Satan. It was a bad time.. a lot had happened and a lot of bad things kept happening, so I must have attracted by myself a psychopath that was, in short, very very toxic. After I got rid of that I still attracted my ex, but I was able to keep her at bay and ultimately get rid of her too.
Yes, my relationship choices sucked a lot.
In your case, however, you did very well to stick with Leraje. This time is constellated with attacks and tricks and distractions. We should be careful now like never before, I wouldn't let anything like this happen again (pretty sure I could stand it though, I was at my historical shittiest back then.. now I feel almost the opposite, positive, strong, confident in myself).
Ghost in the Machine said:
I quickly heeded and started empowering my soul and solar chakra with white light and sun energy, brightening myself as much as possible. I didn't realize until I started doing this how emotionally 'down' and dreadful I felt in that my soul was apparently lacking in positive light and power and was dimmed (Lack of light also means negative energy has an easier time getting through because there isn't a strong enough contrast to repel it as an opposite force). After I did this substantially, I felt uplifted and safe again, that feeling of feeling down too and emotionally under the weather was also gone, I felt happier. That never happened to me before in predicting one of those moments, but I was amazed I was able to see and then prevent that, and no, no such negative events ever occurred.
That feels so very much like the experience explained just above. The 'Fire' I used was more similar to your energy (whitest and sun like), instead of the Blue one for defense I read about. Still worked perfectly fine.
Ghost in the Machine said:
If you want to know more about astral temples let me know and on what particular things, I've made more than one in this life time.
I would be delighted to hear all about it actually. I've been really interested in this since I read Lydia's 'Decade' post where she describes her astral temple, and I realized I somehow, for some odd reason, had always read 'temple' but thought of an altar instead... A temple makes a lot more sense. Plus, this feels like some pretty solid Magick if I think of it in Elemental terms. A while ago I realized a beautiful aspect of Elemental Magick (Fire was the case, and I'm sure it would work well for this): that Elemental Magick "stacks", meaning... (I'll give you a stupid example as I mentioned this in my reply to Brother Apprentice) you start by sending enough Fire Element to a victim to raise their overall temperature by 1 Celsius degree. Then a second Fire, and +1 Celsius. Then again, then again, then again... this Fire stacks and from one tiny ember it becomes strong like a small bonfire. The victim will perhaps feel nothing at first, but give it a few times and the effect should be visible enough, at least by their behavior.
Same principle I think would apply well enough with an astral temple. The more it is visited and re-confirmed in its shape, color, substance, location, architecture, etc., the more the astral temple's energy 'thickens' and exists at a stronger frequency, proving more useful.
I wouldn't really know how yet, as I never made one, but I have a good feeling this could turn out very useful. And after today and getting that 'absent noise/hum' feeling while thinking mostly of a place and mentally moving through it, I have excellent expectations. Feel free to take your time with this explanation of course, I'm eager to learn all about it.
Ghost in the Machine said:
I always felt ashamed and embarrassed of not being able to do certain things and means of control with myself, I would always tell myself in berating that I have so much power now, I've come so incredibly far, I can manifest a wad of cash for myself in a single day, I can fix and cure genetic disorders of my own body, I healed a chronically damaged spine for crying out loud with biokinesis in 2 months, I can legit figure out and know about so many things, I can manipulate electronics, I can read peoples minds, I can manifest the elements, I can literally explain the quantum astral sciences of spirituality and the soul to people on the forum to the letter among many other things as if I'm some encyclopedia and yet I could hardly know the first thing about how to stop the problems I deal with myself. I'm able to actually do real physical magic at this point, I would tell myself I'm supposed to be able to have full control over every aspect, I'm supposed to be this great and fantastic sorcerer by now and oh I've tried and yet the hardest most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with is myself in so many ways. I would feel embarrassed and ashamed to have to rely on such aid and tools to help myself, always trying to force myself to do things without such 'cold turkey' because I figure I'm supposed to be advanced enough to do so, I'm supposed to be independent of that stuff by now... but Lerajie made me realize the truth.
You sound really advanced, Brother, and it's certainly good that you can already do so much for yourself, but you shouldn't feel ashamed that you need 'training wheels'. It's possible that you have just pushed yourself over a higher ledge before you felt truly comfortable with your current set of skills and level, I assume because you felt you were ready for more.. and perhaps you are, but in your effort to try more advanced things you probably decided your current training at the previous 'level was already more than satisfactory, so you pushed forward. Your distress with your current situation may, in fact, just prove that.. so there's literally no reason for feeling the slightest shame about taking a couple steps back in order to understand completely the things you have missed on your way here.
You can still return to your next steps as soon as you feel no reason to remain at the level you righteously took up again, when you feel confident that you're lacking no preparation at all. And with skills like those you have mentioned and who knows what else you can do (needless to say, I'll just remind you not to disclose them here.. like I foolishly did as soon as I joined the forum and someone asked) I have no doubt you'll soon enough be way readier than you have considered yourself in the past. Your growth doesn't cease to surprise me, honestly.
Ghost in the Machine said:
As for what I saw of Lerajie, I only saw her face up from the shoulders, but if it's of any consolation, when I first tried to visualize and see her appearance I know exactly what you mean by 'coin' dress/skirt, that was what it looked like to me relatively speaking.
Glad you confirmed this. I always feel a little 'improper' when I mention her wearing something that looked to me like a bikini (indeed made of golden coins/chainmail).. it did surprise me the first time actually. I should really try to get to see her again. Time is really not so much these days between work, the house and the offensives. I barely make time for Yoga and meditations.
And thank you for letting me know about Astarte. I like that name better too. I was thanking the Gods after a FRTR and when I reached Astaroth something felt wrong, like I was saying it wrong.. when I corrected it to Astarte it felt sweeter, gentler, like she would appreciate it.
And you're a lifesaver.... I just recently figured out (thanks to Big Dipper) how to insert images. The whole 'source' link stuff.. I'll eventually give it a try too, but perhaps Void meditation is easier.
Always a pleasure to read from you. Looking forward to know about the astral temples. Think I really, really need one now.
Hail Father Satan Forever!
![Blitzkreig [JG]](/data/avatars/s/21/21286.jpg?1704756304){kind=avatar}