Satanic Ditto
New member
- Joined
- May 11, 2022
- Messages
- 5
Hello my name is Carlos and I wish to talk about about my life as it's full of strange events and traumas as well as sexual and domestic abuse with a mix of optimism and love for my childhood best friend I wish I could have a conversation with him again one day
Age 5
A bunch of stuff happened to me at this age
My life started in Mexico, being born from a poor toxic and abusive family, my father abandoned me and refused to recognize me as his son, he died on a Car accident when I was 5, my mom cross the border illegally into the USA for work so that she can support me and my other 2 brothers ages 4 and 3 at that time, I was taken care of by my grandmother who never really taken care of us well and instead beat us up any time misbehave, due to her lack of care I ended up in a few near death experiences from small stuff like getting stung by scorpions to one day falling from a tree I was playing on and hitting the back of my head on solid concrete that knock me unconscious and for some reason didn't died of it and recover well at the hospital
I was a very kind boy, I love to play tag and other games with kids in my neighborhood, having friends was something of high importance of me since my childhood, at one day the most strangest paranormal event happened to me while still 5... While playing outside with my friends, we where drawing on the side walk and I then stand up, look up into the skies and saw a massive huge white castle in the skies on top of clouds... I was so amazed by this and scream to my friends to come see it which they did too, my little brother and 3 other friends seen this castle as well, the weird thing is that I don't remember what happened next after that and to that day I never seen it ever again, me and my brother to this day still remembers that I we seen this castle, I never got an answer to this, I asked my Jehovah's witnesses teacher who happens to be one of the chosen ones who will go to heaven (some bullshit teachings JW believes that a chosen few will go to heaven and the rest will go to Paradise) but he thought I was crazy and played it off that it was just part of my imagination.. his answer never satisfied me and I know I didn't just imagined this, I know I seen this castle and don't understand why it shown itself to me, a simple happy and humble 5 year old
A few other paranormal events happened as well when I was much older, such as seeing shadows, one time while still being 5, on my room with my 2 brothers whom where sleeping, I saw the shadow of what I seem to be a very old lady sitting on one of those old people's chairs idk what they are called, those types of chairs that moves up and back, she was just there not looking at me and I was very scared and cover myself with a blanket but still peek to keep on watching her, which then she look straight at me, her shadow face just stared right back at me and she completely stopped rocking her chair to which I panic and cover my self with a blanket and started praying to "God" (I was a Catholic at that time) to help me while I was crying, which that was the end of it, I didn't dared to take another peek and I never seen her again too... Fast forward at age 14 I had another paranormal event but this one I believe was a simple sleep paralysis attack (I may be wrong tho) it started with a horrible nightmare, at the end of that nightmare I remember swimming on a dark lake on a Forrest at night when something just grabbed one of my legs and drag me down into the water so I can drown, to which I woken up from the nightmare and then I saw a man, the shadow of a man staring straight at me while I was in my bed alone in my room, I never been so terrified ever in my life, I had goosebumps and was not able to move or scream even (I think it was because I was too scared of that shadow) It just stared at me for about 30 seconds and I was just staring back absolutely terrified praying to Jehovah to help me (at the time I was a Jehovah's Witness) to which next he just turn to his left and walk slowly heading to the window in my room which was close, as he walk towards it he just faded into the wall or window and completely disappeared... I couldn't believe my eyes and still was shock and unable to move, after about 5 minutes of crying and praying I managed to get the courage to get up from bed and run out of my room to let my mom know what happened to which I simply said to her "I seen the devil" all terrified.. this was my last time I ever experienced something like this
Now about more into my traumas, I been molested on 3 occasions in my life, once at age 8, 10 and 12 was the final time.
But since age 6 I suffer "extreme domestic abuse" (that's what the judge said) on hands of our drug dealer abusive step dad who made my life, my brothers and my own mom's life a living hell to which I despise my mom for it for allowing us to suffer the abuse for years because she was too afraid to do something about it, which she too was my abuser as well just on a lesser level. My mom control everything from me, she control the way I dress, she didn't even wanted me to date anyone, she forced me to break up with my first girlfriend I ever got when I was a 6th grader... And to make things worse I started having feelings for boys when I was in middle school, and as a Jehovah's witness who they are strongly anti gay, I kept my feelings a secret so I don't be destroyed in Armageddon and lose the opportunity to live forever in Paradise.. this was my way of thinking at that time... This ended up destroying me in the long run.
My life at home as chaotic, verbal abuse, physical abuse, psychological abuse all in hands of my stepdad and partially on my control freak narcissistic mother, she liked to beat me up with the Irons cable which left marks in my body and she threatened me that if I told anyone about it I would be send to an orphanage and put fear in my mind always, once even the principal and teachers always question me if they hit me which I always denied it and blame it on my cat that my cat scratched me and left marks in my head and hands, etc sadly they never send anyone to investigate... This went on for years
The only true moments of joy I ever had was at school, with friends, when I was with friends I laughed, I enjoyed life, I felt free, I felt I could be myself, even tho I was also getting in trouble because I was the class clown but I didn't care because I was happy.. my only times of joy was thanks to the friends I spend time with and sadly this too was also taken away from me, my step dad was being chased by the DEA who wanted to arrest him since he was member of a very dangerous Mexican cartel that hired him and he work for them here on California, this means I went to 3 different elementary schools, 3 different middle schools and 3 different high schools, this hurt me deeply because every connection I made with friends I loved I ended up losing them due to always moving away, I wasn't even allowed to have a phone, my first phone was a shitty phone I got at age 16, never was able to keep in contact with those who I cared and loved... But what truly changed my life forever was when I went to Hyde Middle school as an 8th grader and I meet this boy name Richard.
Here is when it gets strange...
You see when I first saw him it was on lunch time, he was 7th grader, I didn't even knew his name but when I saw him I felt a strange force that drawn me towards him, I then just had the thoughts "is this my new best friend?" It was like love at first sight something never in my life and to this day never have I ever experienced.
Time went by and I needed up befriending him, we became the best of friends, I loved hanging out with him, playing catch, messing around with him, I literally loved everything about him, outside of school was misery and chaos but when I was with him, everything was pure joy... I ended up falling with him and here's how it all went downhill soon.
I never confess my feelings, he was a Christian at the time (now he's Satanic, Joy of Satan to be exact, he's the reason why I'm here in the first place and why I wish to find the truth and establish a deep connection with Satan)
In my mind as an 8th grader at the time, I didn't wanted him and I to be destroyed so I prayed and prayed and prayed AND PRAYED AND PRAYED AND PRAYED AND PRAYED every single day to Jehovah God to help me kill these feelings I had for him and to forgive me for sinning... I truly loved him and was willing to kill my feelings so that he don't be destroyed in Armageddon due to me, I wanted to live forever in Paradise by his side as best friends, I wanted to be by his side forever and to make him be a Jehovah's Witness too because I was brainwashed into believing that was the truth, and as a good JW kid who went door to door preaching the good news, going to the congregation meetings twice a week, staying out of trouble, etc I truly believed everything they thought me... For this is why I fear having those feelings for him and for this was why I never told him my true feelings even tho I also knew he also had a crush on me or it felt that way too... Last time I ever saw him was on summer school, I didn't even expected him to be there, I went to summer school for failing Algebra on my 9th grade year and he went for English as an 8th grader, when I saw him out of nowhere, it my best started beating so damn good, like my whole damn body just Shaked and I smiled and we where reunited again, until the day came where it was his last day of school and stupid me didn't even realize it which to this day I hate myself for it because I was planning to give him a hug on the last day of school and was even planning to confess my feelings for him too despite my beliefs, I was madly in love with him... And I never saw him sadly. He didn't had a phone either, no contact, I was heartbroken for years, it's like something inside had broken down, I never really felt joy from school anymore, it was misery at home and at school since I became a quiet insecure and lonely person, no longer was myself anymore, I was deeply depressed and just kinda kept it to myself when ppl from my religion tried to help, I always told them I was fine. Fast forward some years as an adult 20 at the time I searching him up on Facebook and found he made an account, I was extremely happy and check him out, to which I found he sadly was going to problems himself, he isolated himself, hated his family, etc etc it was when I found out he became a Satanist, I was shocked, how can someone love Satan? And why my best friend who he was like an angel, done this... I wanted to rescue him, I tried my best to stay in contact, all failed, never got a hold of him and to this day I never had a chance to tell him how much I love him and that I miss him so much, I wanted to tell him how religion fucked me up and prevented me from living life, my mom and step dad, religion, etc they stolen my childhood, I ended up committing horrible acts due to my sexual repression, acts that would had never happened if I was allowed to be myself, it's like the bible creates the same monsters it ask us not to be... I was corrupted but I remain optimistic, even tho now days I'm suicidal, deeply depressed, I had found a meaning in life and it's though friendship, those friends that made my life so happy who sadly I lost contact with and sadly now days I'm lonely and friendless, at least I still have in my mind those wonderful memories and I wish to keep holding on to the hopes to one day be able to reunite with my best friend Richard... He changed my life so much, it is due to him that I no longer am a Jehovah's Witness and that I wish to become a Satanist, I wish to form a relationship with Satan, I wish to know the truth, I wish to live a happy life... And I wish to tell my friend that he didn't abandoned me (that's what he sadly thinks and maybe this is why to this day he don't wish to get into contact with me) I wish to live this life with a deep relationship with Satan and to overcome my depression and suicidal tendencies, there's a lot more shit that had happened to my life but I still remain optimistic telling myself that the pain is only temporary and that one day I will finally be happy
I'm currently in rock bottom, just trying my best to stay optimistic, I want to find Satan and I need help
And if possible, I wish to know why I seen this castle in the skies, what was it's meaning... Thanks for reading
-Carlos ***
Age 5
A bunch of stuff happened to me at this age
My life started in Mexico, being born from a poor toxic and abusive family, my father abandoned me and refused to recognize me as his son, he died on a Car accident when I was 5, my mom cross the border illegally into the USA for work so that she can support me and my other 2 brothers ages 4 and 3 at that time, I was taken care of by my grandmother who never really taken care of us well and instead beat us up any time misbehave, due to her lack of care I ended up in a few near death experiences from small stuff like getting stung by scorpions to one day falling from a tree I was playing on and hitting the back of my head on solid concrete that knock me unconscious and for some reason didn't died of it and recover well at the hospital
I was a very kind boy, I love to play tag and other games with kids in my neighborhood, having friends was something of high importance of me since my childhood, at one day the most strangest paranormal event happened to me while still 5... While playing outside with my friends, we where drawing on the side walk and I then stand up, look up into the skies and saw a massive huge white castle in the skies on top of clouds... I was so amazed by this and scream to my friends to come see it which they did too, my little brother and 3 other friends seen this castle as well, the weird thing is that I don't remember what happened next after that and to that day I never seen it ever again, me and my brother to this day still remembers that I we seen this castle, I never got an answer to this, I asked my Jehovah's witnesses teacher who happens to be one of the chosen ones who will go to heaven (some bullshit teachings JW believes that a chosen few will go to heaven and the rest will go to Paradise) but he thought I was crazy and played it off that it was just part of my imagination.. his answer never satisfied me and I know I didn't just imagined this, I know I seen this castle and don't understand why it shown itself to me, a simple happy and humble 5 year old
A few other paranormal events happened as well when I was much older, such as seeing shadows, one time while still being 5, on my room with my 2 brothers whom where sleeping, I saw the shadow of what I seem to be a very old lady sitting on one of those old people's chairs idk what they are called, those types of chairs that moves up and back, she was just there not looking at me and I was very scared and cover myself with a blanket but still peek to keep on watching her, which then she look straight at me, her shadow face just stared right back at me and she completely stopped rocking her chair to which I panic and cover my self with a blanket and started praying to "God" (I was a Catholic at that time) to help me while I was crying, which that was the end of it, I didn't dared to take another peek and I never seen her again too... Fast forward at age 14 I had another paranormal event but this one I believe was a simple sleep paralysis attack (I may be wrong tho) it started with a horrible nightmare, at the end of that nightmare I remember swimming on a dark lake on a Forrest at night when something just grabbed one of my legs and drag me down into the water so I can drown, to which I woken up from the nightmare and then I saw a man, the shadow of a man staring straight at me while I was in my bed alone in my room, I never been so terrified ever in my life, I had goosebumps and was not able to move or scream even (I think it was because I was too scared of that shadow) It just stared at me for about 30 seconds and I was just staring back absolutely terrified praying to Jehovah to help me (at the time I was a Jehovah's Witness) to which next he just turn to his left and walk slowly heading to the window in my room which was close, as he walk towards it he just faded into the wall or window and completely disappeared... I couldn't believe my eyes and still was shock and unable to move, after about 5 minutes of crying and praying I managed to get the courage to get up from bed and run out of my room to let my mom know what happened to which I simply said to her "I seen the devil" all terrified.. this was my last time I ever experienced something like this
Now about more into my traumas, I been molested on 3 occasions in my life, once at age 8, 10 and 12 was the final time.
But since age 6 I suffer "extreme domestic abuse" (that's what the judge said) on hands of our drug dealer abusive step dad who made my life, my brothers and my own mom's life a living hell to which I despise my mom for it for allowing us to suffer the abuse for years because she was too afraid to do something about it, which she too was my abuser as well just on a lesser level. My mom control everything from me, she control the way I dress, she didn't even wanted me to date anyone, she forced me to break up with my first girlfriend I ever got when I was a 6th grader... And to make things worse I started having feelings for boys when I was in middle school, and as a Jehovah's witness who they are strongly anti gay, I kept my feelings a secret so I don't be destroyed in Armageddon and lose the opportunity to live forever in Paradise.. this was my way of thinking at that time... This ended up destroying me in the long run.
My life at home as chaotic, verbal abuse, physical abuse, psychological abuse all in hands of my stepdad and partially on my control freak narcissistic mother, she liked to beat me up with the Irons cable which left marks in my body and she threatened me that if I told anyone about it I would be send to an orphanage and put fear in my mind always, once even the principal and teachers always question me if they hit me which I always denied it and blame it on my cat that my cat scratched me and left marks in my head and hands, etc sadly they never send anyone to investigate... This went on for years
The only true moments of joy I ever had was at school, with friends, when I was with friends I laughed, I enjoyed life, I felt free, I felt I could be myself, even tho I was also getting in trouble because I was the class clown but I didn't care because I was happy.. my only times of joy was thanks to the friends I spend time with and sadly this too was also taken away from me, my step dad was being chased by the DEA who wanted to arrest him since he was member of a very dangerous Mexican cartel that hired him and he work for them here on California, this means I went to 3 different elementary schools, 3 different middle schools and 3 different high schools, this hurt me deeply because every connection I made with friends I loved I ended up losing them due to always moving away, I wasn't even allowed to have a phone, my first phone was a shitty phone I got at age 16, never was able to keep in contact with those who I cared and loved... But what truly changed my life forever was when I went to Hyde Middle school as an 8th grader and I meet this boy name Richard.
Here is when it gets strange...
You see when I first saw him it was on lunch time, he was 7th grader, I didn't even knew his name but when I saw him I felt a strange force that drawn me towards him, I then just had the thoughts "is this my new best friend?" It was like love at first sight something never in my life and to this day never have I ever experienced.
Time went by and I needed up befriending him, we became the best of friends, I loved hanging out with him, playing catch, messing around with him, I literally loved everything about him, outside of school was misery and chaos but when I was with him, everything was pure joy... I ended up falling with him and here's how it all went downhill soon.
I never confess my feelings, he was a Christian at the time (now he's Satanic, Joy of Satan to be exact, he's the reason why I'm here in the first place and why I wish to find the truth and establish a deep connection with Satan)
In my mind as an 8th grader at the time, I didn't wanted him and I to be destroyed so I prayed and prayed and prayed AND PRAYED AND PRAYED AND PRAYED AND PRAYED every single day to Jehovah God to help me kill these feelings I had for him and to forgive me for sinning... I truly loved him and was willing to kill my feelings so that he don't be destroyed in Armageddon due to me, I wanted to live forever in Paradise by his side as best friends, I wanted to be by his side forever and to make him be a Jehovah's Witness too because I was brainwashed into believing that was the truth, and as a good JW kid who went door to door preaching the good news, going to the congregation meetings twice a week, staying out of trouble, etc I truly believed everything they thought me... For this is why I fear having those feelings for him and for this was why I never told him my true feelings even tho I also knew he also had a crush on me or it felt that way too... Last time I ever saw him was on summer school, I didn't even expected him to be there, I went to summer school for failing Algebra on my 9th grade year and he went for English as an 8th grader, when I saw him out of nowhere, it my best started beating so damn good, like my whole damn body just Shaked and I smiled and we where reunited again, until the day came where it was his last day of school and stupid me didn't even realize it which to this day I hate myself for it because I was planning to give him a hug on the last day of school and was even planning to confess my feelings for him too despite my beliefs, I was madly in love with him... And I never saw him sadly. He didn't had a phone either, no contact, I was heartbroken for years, it's like something inside had broken down, I never really felt joy from school anymore, it was misery at home and at school since I became a quiet insecure and lonely person, no longer was myself anymore, I was deeply depressed and just kinda kept it to myself when ppl from my religion tried to help, I always told them I was fine. Fast forward some years as an adult 20 at the time I searching him up on Facebook and found he made an account, I was extremely happy and check him out, to which I found he sadly was going to problems himself, he isolated himself, hated his family, etc etc it was when I found out he became a Satanist, I was shocked, how can someone love Satan? And why my best friend who he was like an angel, done this... I wanted to rescue him, I tried my best to stay in contact, all failed, never got a hold of him and to this day I never had a chance to tell him how much I love him and that I miss him so much, I wanted to tell him how religion fucked me up and prevented me from living life, my mom and step dad, religion, etc they stolen my childhood, I ended up committing horrible acts due to my sexual repression, acts that would had never happened if I was allowed to be myself, it's like the bible creates the same monsters it ask us not to be... I was corrupted but I remain optimistic, even tho now days I'm suicidal, deeply depressed, I had found a meaning in life and it's though friendship, those friends that made my life so happy who sadly I lost contact with and sadly now days I'm lonely and friendless, at least I still have in my mind those wonderful memories and I wish to keep holding on to the hopes to one day be able to reunite with my best friend Richard... He changed my life so much, it is due to him that I no longer am a Jehovah's Witness and that I wish to become a Satanist, I wish to form a relationship with Satan, I wish to know the truth, I wish to live a happy life... And I wish to tell my friend that he didn't abandoned me (that's what he sadly thinks and maybe this is why to this day he don't wish to get into contact with me) I wish to live this life with a deep relationship with Satan and to overcome my depression and suicidal tendencies, there's a lot more shit that had happened to my life but I still remain optimistic telling myself that the pain is only temporary and that one day I will finally be happy
I'm currently in rock bottom, just trying my best to stay optimistic, I want to find Satan and I need help
And if possible, I wish to know why I seen this castle in the skies, what was it's meaning... Thanks for reading
-Carlos ***