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Is "free will" good or bad?

Blitzkreig [JG]

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Meteor said:

You describe how your karma has both negatives and positives. When we speak of removing negative karma, we are removing the negative elements whilst keeping the positives. In this case, you have made the "chains" work for you, not against you. This is reflected in how Saturn can work, for example, but also any other energy.

If you are operating from a place of poor judgment, whatever this objectively means, then many of your rationalizations may be wrong, including what you think of as your purpose in life. We see this in people who only want money, even to the point of hurting people. In this case, they failed to respect the other aspects of life, due to their low level of evolution.

What one person defines as fulfilling is based on their inherent state. What is fulfilling to the Gods is different from that of a normie today. However, one of these is much more noble and beautiful, due to the individual(s) holding such dreams.

When you clean, empower, prune negative karma, and so on, you are never destroying yourself, only creating a more beautiful version of who you really are. If you are doing energy work of some kind on yourself and getting horrible results, then something is going wrong.
 
These are philosophical questions that you need to answer yourself. There's no universal answers when it comes to building your own life as every individual life is a unique work of art, and everyone is going to answer the personal meaning of their own life differently. Being ruled by karma or not makes no difference with this.

I've answered your question so humor me and answer one back. Do you want to obtain temporary comfort and relief in the short-term, or do you want to delay gratification in pursuit of something better? What if you found out it was possible to change the gender of your soul later on after achieving the MO - would you still get surgery now if it meant that future possibility disappeared? I'm curious what your personal answer is to this.
 
Meteor said:
Let's start with the first one. Do you even believe that yourself? I thought the consensus was that gender is set in stone, and some people even speculated that the MO would reverse sex changes. Regardless, if I got confirmation that this is possible, then I would use this to fix any potential flaws in the outcome of trying to change my body when I'm able to.

It's only a hypothetical, Meteor. Don't worry about what I believe.

Now for the second question: if I got clear confirmation now that having surgery would make it impossible for me to fix the flaws later on, I would refrain from having surgery if there is also confirmation that I can reach such a point within 10 years. But while I have some ability in terms of biokinesis already, so far it seems to be limited to rapid healing and redistribution of fat, and I'm not expecting this to develop at such a rapid pace, or achieve the MO by then, even if I try my hardest. As such, in practice, I would still have surgery as soon as possible, and look for other ways to fix any potential flaws as opportunities to do so present themselves in the future.

In case I misunderstood, and you meant what I would do if I got confirmation that the possibility of achieving the MO would disappear if I had surgery now, then my answer is that I would refrain until I find a loophole that lets me avoid that issue. Ensuring my continued survival, whether through reincarnation or physical immortality, is more important to me than having surgery right now.

I'm pleased to hear this. It's also the reason I advised you many times before to seek more concrete data before finalizing your decision, but that's ultimately up to you.

I am deeply homophobic, albeit not towards others; I have absolutely nothing against it when others do it, but I know that I couldn't bear to live that kind of lifestyle myself. I used to blame the abrahamic religions for that; if not for their prejudice and cruelty, perhaps such a lifestyle would be enjoyable for me, or so I thought. But I've come to realise that societies that lacked those things were even worse: they would have given me a glimmer of hope as there is freedom to try things, but if I were to stick to it, I would still be looked down on. Historically, exclusively homosexual men in societies that had a place for them, were treated as servants and prostitutes, and ridiculed for their lack of masculinity and derogatorily referred to as a third sex. Marriage was out of the question.

Nowadays, in the Western world in general, as well as in Satanism, there have been attempts to promote acceptance and rights for gay people. But if history is to be taken as an example, then this is nothing more than a facade to signal egalitarian virtues, completely ignorant of the actual wants and needs of homosexual people. For example, even when the topic came up here on the forums, several people stated that they don't see a point in homosexual marriage, or even consider it a desecration of a sacred practice, blasphemous. As such, I'm clearly justified in thinking it's only a matter of time before this facade falls apart. Homophobia is something that comes from within for many Gentiles and jews alike, and religion is little more than an excuse to justify their feelings. If not for their books, they would just find another excuse.

As much as I don't want to be homosexual, I can't help my inclinations. My purpose in life is to make someone I admire as fulfilled as possible as I draw out their full potential; and I admire masculinity much, much more than femininity. Assuming the role of a woman allows me to do this without any issues.

When I marry my husband, people will see a beautiful woman and a handsome, admirable man, and they will be happy for both of us. The same could hardly be said if I had been considered a man; in fact, I would probably not be in a position to marry at all, as I would be alone like many young gay men are, as their dating pool appears to be utterly horrendous. It takes only a glance to see how many gay men suffer from severe mental health problems. By presenting myself as a woman and marrying a straight man, I get to avoid all that, as well as the ridicule and scorn from those who think I'm putting a good man to waste with such a relationship: whether by that they mean myself or my partner.

Obviously, my course of action is met with even more scorn than that: attempting to change one's sex and assume another role in regards to gender, is almost universally considered despicable, disgusting and deceptive. Besides the opinions of many people here, I only have to listen to my friends ranting or joking about trannies to know that. Admittedly, I do egg them on as I find it amusing; as someone who did this to fit in more, I think those who fit in even less as a result of their decisions are quite the laughing stock, although I do try to be less judgemental these days, as I know everyone is simply acting in accordance with their own circumstances.

But there is a crucial difference here: unlike if I married a man while assuming the role of a man myself as well, I get to keep it a secret if I want to, and avoid all of that scorn, replacing it with praise, admiration and respect. It's been so many years since I was criticised for not being masculine enough, as I'm plenty manly for a woman. My friends are genuinely happy for me that I'm engaged to such a wonderful man, while they inform me once every few months that their gay friend had yet another mental breakdown. I'm very conscious of what kind of life I escaped, and spitefully rejoice in it every time.

That's just the kind of world we live in. To think that could ever truly change, is nothing short of delusional, because homosexual relationships are fundamentally different from heterosexual relationships, and people know that deep down, even if some are in denial about it as they've been convinced to tolerate it. I have no patience for such nonsense, so I'd rather just avoid it all, at least when it comes to the people I'm close to; and by that I don't mean people on an online forum.

So to clarify, you're doing this because you want to avoid the negative perceptions of others in society or otherwise work within the framework of their perception in a way that brings you the best advantage and benefit for your life? Is that correct? I guess if that's the path you want to take then I have no personal argument against it, but keep in mind that there is more than one way to do something. From what I can understand, you're bound to their perceptions because you feel owned by them, like they have power over you to affect your life. Using your magick in other ways can overcome that. You don't have to be affected by the negative perceptions of large groups of society, and you certainly don't need to fit in. If you want to then so be it, but I hope you realize there are other ways to thrive in society besides wearing a mask for others. You have more options than you realize.
 
Meteor said:
jrvan said:
Meteor said:
So to clarify, you're doing this because you want to avoid the negative perceptions of others in society or otherwise work within the framework of their perception in a way that brings you the best advantage and benefit for your life? Is that correct? I guess if that's the path you want to take then I have no personal argument against it, but keep in mind that there is more than one way to do something. From what I can understand, you're bound to their perceptions because you feel owned by them, like they have power over you to affect your life. Using your magick in other ways can overcome that. You don't have to be affected by the negative perceptions of large groups of society, and you certainly don't need to fit in. If you want to then so be it, but I hope you realize there are other ways to thrive in society besides wearing a mask for others. You have more options than you realize.
I was always pretty sensitive to that sort of thing. I remember when I was 7 years old, I went to school with my hair a ponytail because I thought it would look nice; but when I arrived, the look in people's eyes scared me so much that I undid it and hid for several hours, skipping class. Perhaps I gave up too soon, and if I had given people more time to get used to it, they would've stopped looking at me like that, it's hard to say; but I was too terrified to consider that anyway, and in the first place, I wanted others to think it looked nice.

Anyway, that's the gist of it if I try to explain my feelings in terms of concrete, practical matters rather than vague metaphysical speculation. Admittedly, my drive to choose this path would still be present without any conscious thought, but the explanation I gave here wasn't just a rationalisation, but rather an expression of some very real concerns I have. The sheer intensity of the drive to change myself, as well as the beliefs I expressed about the social consequences of living a homosexual lifestyle, is what I was referring to when I mentioned "the chains of karma". I don't know if it's due to this, but other options seem hopeless to me if I think about them.

Regardless of how accurate it may have been, the things I saw in past life regression were telling: I was either male and suffered a terrible fate at the hands of those who discriminated against me for being unmasculine, or I was female and suffered a terrible fate at the hands of misogynists who think might makes right, or I didn't meet a terrible fate but was left unfulfilled as I wasn't taken seriously for marriage. While those memories may have been a figment of my imagination, they do represent real, deep fears I have.

The only way for me to truly feel safe in this world, is to have a strong lover that I know I can always rely on, no matter what. At the same time, I don't want to be seen as weak in my own right. I don't mind that my partner is much stronger than me since I trust him so much, but to be seen as outright "unmasculine" by someone I don't trust very, very much, would still bother me a lot; I would feel exposed and vulnerable. Perhaps, in a way, femininity acts as a shield or mask against that, as people are unlikely to evaluate or judge whether I'm "masculine enough" in the first place, but rather if I'm "feminine enough", since that's what people expect from women, which is what people assume me to be based on my appearance nowadays.

Surely, the reason I opened up about this topic here on the forums, despite being conscious since I joined that people would have a huge issue with this if I ever mentioned it, is because to an extent, it still feels like I'm wearing a mask. I'm very open and talkative, and dislike hiding things; the only reason I've managed to stop myself from telling my friends all these years, is because they're friends with my fiancé too, and I don't want to potentially harm his reputation. I think that after I have surgery, I'll stop feeling like I'm hiding something, as the physical maleness that is currently so evident to me (even as I hide it from everyone else), will be little more than a distant memory; that's why I've said before that it would be like waking up from a nightmare. I would become so indistinguishable from the mask, even to myself, that it would no longer feel as though I'm wearing one at all. For most people that might not be the case as their changed sex would feel like a lie, but for me, the "the person inside" is vague and flexible enough for that to be true.

You and Tabby both remind me a lot of myself, whether in terms of personality or experiences we've had; and yet I'm in this situation that others find utterly disgusting and unacceptable if they're aware of it, completely by my own choosing, ironically because I wanted to be able to live a "normal life". I understand now that no matter how positively it works out for me, people who are against this in the first place would never be happy for me. But I find it remarkable that I can seem "normal", perhaps even relatable for some, despite all this, so long as people are unaware of this "little detail" about myself; and when I take my mind of it, it really is as though I'm just a normal person, and even I begin to forget how much of an issue it would really be to people if they knew.

If I ramble on for too long, I would probably sound incomprehensible to you again, so I should leave it at that. It's about time I go back to lurking anyway. I know I'm not really welcome here, but I really do appreciate the food for thought. As hopeless as it seems, I do often like to wonder what other options I had, or still have. Although I've never met him, I actually found out a few years ago that I have an uncle who is married to another man; he lives abroad, and patiently waited 20 years for his marriage to be recognised where he lives. While I'm clearly a very different kind of person compared to him (I'm impatient and vain), I do find it fascinating that some people are fully content with living like that, and even succeed to the point of getting a husband despite being male as well.
I don't think I could've managed to do that myself without taking the path I did, but it's fascinating to me nonetheless.

Anyway... Take care, Jrvan.

I hear you. You don't have to worry about me trying to change your mind or project my values on you anymore. There's something I want to tell you though. Masculinity doesn't have to do with physical strength, and femininity doesn't have to do with weakness. You can be ultra feminine and still be strong. There are many feminine girls in this world who could kick my ass without even trying that hard, let alone breaking a sweat. They trained to be like that. You don't have to be a male to have fighting experience or physical strength. There's female Muay Thai fighters that I wouldn't want to mess with. Experience and technique beats raw physical strength alone every time.

The majority of society expects girls to be feminine and weak and helpless, and forced to need the man and rely on him. The majority of society is ignorant and retarded too, and I personally would never care enough about what they think to mold myself to their desires even to survive. But that's just me. It's still a path to survival I suppose, just maybe not the best or most advantageous one in this age.

I used to want to be normal and fit in too. I couldn't ever pull it off completely even though I got a little better at it. Now at this point in my life I realize that those who are different and stand out are sometimes meant for greater things than the herd. You can't ever be great by being one of many. Leaders for example are different by default. Warriors can never be found mingling with the common folk. Being different is okay, and we're not in an age anymore where it means our certain death.

We also have the Gods protecting us, and Hell has regained power. Add to that a powerful aura of protection, and you really don't need to rely on a man for your protection. I don't understand why you feel so unsafe in this world especially with all these advantages as a witch. Maybe you should ask yourself why you feel so unsafe that you need to outsource your protection to other humans. It could be useful to meditate on that specifically, perhaps while using Aether energy. And uhh... if you can stand up to a legion of spiritually empowered Satanists beating you down then you can definitely stand up to the rest of the world and the ignorant masses, lol. Fearing other people doesn't make sense if you don't fear us. We're bigger and far more powerful. Omg, It's almost kind of insulting. What do you take us for, Meteor!! :lol: :lol:

Anyway, that's enough out of me. Live a happy life that works for you even if it's ephemeral, I suppose. It's your life to do whatever you want with, and no one can take that from you.
 
There’s no “free will” unless you are a God. Even if you clean yourself of negative karma you’re still a slave to biology. You have to eat and and sleep and do other things that an advanced being IE God doesn’t have to which means you are not free.
 
Meteor said:
I realised after I submitted my post that you might have an issue with the fact that it was because of my actions that your wife was in pain when she projected to me. Even so, I think it would be wrong for me to apologise for this. I learned the hard way how dangerous it can be connect to others, and vowed to never again connect to the mind of someone I don't trust with my life. Whether it is I, or someone else, that attempts to establish the connection, shouldn't make a difference in that regard. I hope that this served as a warning to her to be careful who she approaches in astral projection; whereas I only care about shutting others out for my own safety and peace of mind (I like to think of my mind as a tranquil, private garden just for me and my fiancé, surrounded by thorns), there are many who are far more dangerous to approach, sometimes without even trying as their personal issues might rub off automatically on others who connect to them. I think even from your point of view, it's probably preferable that she was scared off in this manner, rather than that she actually succeeded in getting through. Due to my nature, I have a tendency to draw out people's most deeply repressed issues and potential when they connect to me, which, while this can be an opportunity for people to overcome things and grow, can also be very overwhelming and potentially dangerous; likewise, everyone affects others in their own unique ways depending on their personality, so I believe approaching others on the astral is not something that should be taken lightly.

Since the effects of protective workings can be a bit subtle, I usually measure their effectiveness by how they affect my dreams. This trick I mentioned in particular, caused the frequency of nightmares to go down from about once a month, to once every few months, so it appears to be very effective in keeping attacks and harassment at bay. But if the only verifiable effect is on my dreams, then that begs the question: what if it's just my imagination? So, for her to publicly share that it is working exactly as intended, and that the pain successfully dissuaded her from even looking at the face of the dummy, let alone prying deeply enough to realise it was only an illusion, is very reassuring, and it boosted my confidence a lot. And since then, my confidence in my psychic defences has grown enough for me not to mind revealing this one trick, as I'm not so dependent on it anymore.

That said, I understand that it may be unpleasant to hear this, so I am sorry to you if I came off as rude with how I phrased it.

You don't know what you're talking about. Tabby is fine, and you didn't affect her at all.

Your last comment was all well and good, but I can't believe you're actually trying to flex right now. Tabby is so much more powerful than you are.

Whatever. Keep flexing if you want to, but we're not part of your astral fantasy world.

Really... flexing :lol: Dick move, Meteor.
 
Meteor said:
jrvan said:
Meteor said:
I realised after I submitted my post that you might have an issue with the fact that it was because of my actions that your wife was in pain when she projected to me. Even so, I think it would be wrong for me to apologise for this. I learned the hard way how dangerous it can be connect to others, and vowed to never again connect to the mind of someone I don't trust with my life. Whether it is I, or someone else, that attempts to establish the connection, shouldn't make a difference in that regard. I hope that this served as a warning to her to be careful who she approaches in astral projection; whereas I only care about shutting others out for my own safety and peace of mind (I like to think of my mind as a tranquil, private garden just for me and my fiancé, surrounded by thorns), there are many who are far more dangerous to approach, sometimes without even trying as their personal issues might rub off automatically on others who connect to them. I think even from your point of view, it's probably preferable that she was scared off in this manner, rather than that she actually succeeded in getting through. Due to my nature, I have a tendency to draw out people's most deeply repressed issues and potential when they connect to me, which, while this can be an opportunity for people to overcome things and grow, can also be very overwhelming and potentially dangerous; likewise, everyone affects others in their own unique ways depending on their personality, so I believe approaching others on the astral is not something that should be taken lightly.

Since the effects of protective workings can be a bit subtle, I usually measure their effectiveness by how they affect my dreams. This trick I mentioned in particular, caused the frequency of nightmares to go down from about once a month, to once every few months, so it appears to be very effective in keeping attacks and harassment at bay. But if the only verifiable effect is on my dreams, then that begs the question: what if it's just my imagination? So, for her to publicly share that it is working exactly as intended, and that the pain successfully dissuaded her from even looking at the face of the dummy, let alone prying deeply enough to realise it was only an illusion, is very reassuring, and it boosted my confidence a lot. And since then, my confidence in my psychic defences has grown enough for me not to mind revealing this one trick, as I'm not so dependent on it anymore.

That said, I understand that it may be unpleasant to hear this, so I am sorry to you if I came off as rude with how I phrased it.

You don't know what you're talking about. Tabby is fine, and you didn't affect her at all.

Your last comment was all well and good, but I can't believe you're actually trying to flex right now. Tabby is so much more powerful than you are.

Whatever. Keep flexing if you want to, but we're not part of your astral fantasy world.

Really... flexing :lol: Dick move, Meteor.
I was referring to this post:
tabby said:
VoiceofEnki said:
You are right, however I unfortunately cannot really talk in depth about this, but trust me that if you knew what Siatris meant (something I was unaware of while making my replies to meteor), you'd be disgusted and furious beyond words.

Take Siatris's words as they are, it's really true...

If this is ever meant to be known, you will know it by that time. I just want people to understand that there in more behind this than what can be openly stated at this time and consider that when judging all of this.

Hail Satan!

I'll assume that my senses were potentially wrong then. When I astral projected to them to get to the bottom of this confusion, and felt the amount of pain coming from them, I couldn't get any closer because it hurt. I couldn't see their face either since the figure was balled up with their back to me.

I wonder if my own karmic patterns are going through a new repeat by reflecting through this mess, but I'll deal with that in my personal time.
Is she not the one who decided to get involved in that "astral fantasy world" at that time?
Whatever. I didn't want to harm her in the first place; I'm just glad she was deterred, as I intended, meaning my working was effective. "Couldn't get any closer because it hurt"? That was exactly the point, and she admitted it herself. That helped me worry less.

Misunderstandings are so commonplace here. I guess we're both outta here, huh? I've just about lost my patience with this nonsense again, to be honest. But I agree with you that it's far more important to focus on practical, physical matters than a bunch of astral fantasy, so perhaps I misunderstood what you meant when you mentioned me standing up to spiritually empowered Satanists. But if you only meant verbally rather than spiritually, then what does spiritual empowerment have to do with it? A contradiction.
You secretly really do care about that precious little astral fantasy world of yours, don't you? Don't worry, I like hypocrites.
Of course, that is in jest. The astral is precious to all of us, even if it can be confusing at times. Heh.

Take care, both of you.
Hail Satan!

I kept my description of what I experienced brief and vague. It's rather controversial and risky to reveal what one sees psychically when they have no ability to provide physical proof and people have to take their word for it or call them a liar or deluded even if they're telling/seeing the truth, or people can lie in defense of their image against the others senses. At the time, I confused my wording, calling what I did with you as astral projection and have since learned what astral projection actually feels like, and now know that I was doing what I always do with people. Seeing them from afar with my senses. I don't require connecting with ones aura to see them, and that has not been the only time I've seen you since. Only people more spiritually powerful than myself have been able to hide from me. Either way you had already established a connection with me and I with you because we decided to be friends and then had a heated argument. So long as you did the dedication ritual and don't abandon it, we are connected as SS regardless.

I had/have no intention of doing anything to you, only learn the truth about you and your situation. I would be violating our rules here if I attempted anything else, and going against my own code. What I sensed back then was your pain, what I saw was the reflection of that pain, and I chose not to push further because I am an empath and your pain was too much. Your body was radiating with it as if you had butchered yourself with black energy. Your light body was dark with a thin glow of aura around it, and the pain was emotional pain. You say others have not been "deterred" and felt nothing when they actually tried to do things to you. My experience with you is no confirmation that your programming worked because I did none of what you programmed your aura to deter against. I wasn't harmed, only upset to see what you've done to yourself. Your programming will not deter anyone or anything who is more powerful than you, and anyone you let your guard down around.

Talking about my karmic pattern was referring to that fact you had been a cult leader.
 
Meteor said:
tabby said:
Meteor said:
I kept my description of what I experienced brief and vague. It's rather controversial and risky to reveal what one sees psychically when they have no ability to provide physical proof and people have to take their word for it or call them a liar or deluded even if they're telling/seeing the truth, or people can lie in defense of their image against the others senses. At the time, I confused my wording, calling what I did with you as astral projection and have since learned what astral projection actually feels like, and now know that I was doing what I always do with people. Seeing them from afar with my senses. I don't require connecting with ones aura to see them, and that has not been the only time I've seen you since. Only people more spiritually powerful than myself have been able to hide from me. Either way you had already established a connection with me and I with you because we decided to be friends and then had a heated argument. So long as you did the dedication ritual and don't abandon it, we are connected as SS regardless.

I had/have no intention of doing anything to you, only learn the truth about you and your situation. I would be violating our rules here if I attempted anything else, and going against my own code. What I sensed back then was your pain, what I saw was the reflection of that pain, and I chose not to push further because I am an empath and your pain was too much. Your body was radiating with it as if you had butchered yourself with black energy. Your light body was dark with a thin glow of aura around it, and the pain was emotional pain. You say others have not been "deterred" and felt nothing when they actually tried to do things to you. My experience with you is no confirmation that your programming worked because I did none of what you programmed your aura to deter against. I wasn't harmed, only upset to see what you've done to yourself. Your programming will not deter anyone or anything who is more powerful than you, and anyone you let your guard down around.

Talking about my karmic pattern was referring to that fact you had been a cult leader.
You're right. Towards you specifically, I feel such sorrow and regret. You've inspired me so: even just yesterday, something you recommended long ago came to mind, and I tried it and it was wonderful. The light-hearted chitchat you entertained me with made me think of you as a friend, even. Now I find myself unable to stop thinking about it, wondering why I put those things to waste.

I burned all those pleasantries down to ashes, by being far too talkative about things that should've been kept hidden deep inside; "taboo". And the only reason Siatris was even able to spread rumours about me in the first place, is because I kept trying to post about what happened back then; while HP Hoodedcobra disapproved most of those posts, enough got through for others to recognize me.

Black is the most absorptive type of energy. From the start, black was the easiest colour for me to invoke and use. That summer, I deliberately engulfed myself in that darkness, because I wanted to steal people's sorrows and worries from them and bear them myself, so I could see them more cheerfully. They became so absurdly overconfident and manic, and I thought that was a good thing, even as they reached the greatest heights of insanity I've ever witnessed, that I wished to be true; but then it all came crashing down.

Where there was a thirst before, there is now a well that never stops overflowing. The darkness no longer hurts me or drowns me, it soothes and co-exists peacefully with the light within, obscuring it like a dense barrier. I can't even distinguish it from my natural self anymore, as it has become the very skin I wear. I used to feel so empty inside, and perhaps I thought that if I absorbed those I like, I would become someone I like. But if this feeling of fullness inside means I've finally become someone, then why am I still so... dark? Why does everyone else look so bright and shiny, while I'm like this?

Is this my true nature? Absorption, concealment, confusion, chaos, knowledge of taboo, endurance? Or am I just being edgy?
I don't feel tainted anymore. Hehehehehehe... Hahahahahahahahaha!

You know, I used to wish for a world without hypocrisy; but then I realised that hypocrisy is something humans need in order to survive. If not for baseless self-righteousness, people would be left defenceless to the things they don't understand. Whether it is more important to be "fair", or to shield oneself from the dangers of the unknown, is a dilemma for many; but by being hypocrites, people can shield themselves from what they don't understand, yet simultaneously convince themselves that they're being completely fair. I can hardly blame them, or myself. Hehehe...

The darkness that embraced me, is really the darkness that exists within all people, is it not? It's just hidden, locked away, repressed... People are out of tune with it. So what if you turned a Soul inside out, putting it all on the very surface... wouldn't that be "True"?
Indeed; no matter how many people believe in something, no matter how beautiful and wonderful it is: a lie will remain a lie.

People should not neglect the beauty and chaotic tranquil of the darkness. Pretty lights can lead people astray into dazzling delusions, and structure can lead to stagnation. It's always been from the chaos and darkness that the most brilliant progress was borne.
https://www.satanisgod.org/www.angelfire.com/empire/serpentis666/Color.html

You really don’t get it. You energy ripped people’s emotions and negativity, willingly taking that into yourself thinking of all things you could have done that would make them cheery? You didn’t help those people you completely imbalanced them, and you still hold those people’s energies. The reason it’s not even clean away is because you’ve identified with it as being part of you. Taking away the emotions and worries of people doesn’t solve their problems, it makes them worse.

I’m not talking about darkness as in the opposite of light as we understand it. I mean literally your light body was not bright and shiny as if it’s clean. Your light body is not suppose to look that dark, it means there’s dross and negative energy remaining in your soul and you haven’t cleaned it out. Not some edgy nonsense about your personality.

Why don’t I show you some of my notes from sensing you recently, yeah?


21:17, Jan 22nd.

The false image Meteor has programmed to protect himself with is not the one he thinks he’s programmed, like that one he believes deters unwanted connections. Everything that he’s done to himself to make and believe himself to be female, is all there on the surface to be read energetically. He attempts to adhere to the outward image of what most of society falsely believes makes up a stereotypical woman. The energy of it appears as a shield around him like its own aura, and has been programmed with a fear response that when pushed at shrinks in on itself and in anger quickly tries to aggressively shove away the person. Subconsciously it seems he’s made it that he can’t be friendly with anyone who doesn’t accept his shield or tries to see the real him, which explains why he gets physically angry and irrational at anyone who tries to help him in a way that is opposite of his shield, including his rational mind. It may explain why he manages to never understand properly and twist around what people tell him in discussions, making inaccurate connections and false meanings that satisfy his shield and feeds its existence. This seems to happen passively. It draws in and attaches with only people and thoughts that accept it and attempts to reject the ones that don’t. It’s effectively holding him hostage like a thoughtform.

Underneath the shell he’s created around himself is nothing but fear, vulnerability, instability, concentrated dross buildup, and who he really is. He’s someone who is afraid of the world around him and of himself. The energies within him are incredibly chaotic, imbalanced, and I sense more than just his within him. I sense pollution. His consciousness is very unhealthy, and there are self-worth issues clouding it. His lower chakras appear hidden in negative energy, and the rest of his body looks as if it’s been poisoned. There is a lot of concentrated negativity towards the lower area of his body, along with a deep feeling of misery, pain, and longing. He’s programmed so much negativity into that area of his body, it’s not hard to understand that he naturally wants it to be gone and heal. It’s making him sick energetically, but his conscious mind thinks that cutting out all that negativity by removing the face of it physically (his genitals) will save him from it. His genitals aren’t the problem. I guess it’s similar to how one wants to cut out an aggressive cancer growth but cuts out the entire vital organ instead.

End of notes.


That’s the fake puppet doll people see when they connect to you, and when they look deeper they see exactly what you’re afraid of people seeing. There is no pain that is inflicted from sensing all that, the pain is your emotions that leak through your shield and the amount of toxic negative energy within you. You’re an open book and are fooling no one but unenlightened idiots, and yourself.

You asked if free will is a good or bad thing, yet once again this thread is actually just about the persona you’ve created around you. All you’re doing is rephrasing the same questions and story, having the same arguments and discussions, and making it all look pretty with a semi-serious question of free will as bait into talking about the same problem, while you do nothing to legitimately help yourself. All you want to know is if you can justify continuing to harm yourself and waste energy on making things worse and learning nothing. You’re sinking in your own muck and dragging others down to swim around in it with you, and for whatever reason you think this is a good and perfectly reasonable thing to be doing to have a fulfilling life...
 
Meteor said:
tabby said:
Meteor said:
You really don’t get it. You energy ripped people’s emotions and negativity, willingly taking that into yourself thinking of all things you could have done that would make them cheery? You didn’t help those people you completely imbalanced them, and you still hold those people’s energies. The reason it’s not even clean away is because you’ve identified with it as being part of you. Taking away the emotions and worries of people doesn’t solve their problems, it makes them worse.

I’m not talking about darkness as in the opposite of light as we understand it. I mean literally your light body was not bright and shiny as if it’s clean. Your light body is not suppose to look that dark, it means there’s dross and negative energy remaining in your soul and you haven’t cleaned it out. Not some edgy nonsense about your personality.

Why don’t I show you some of my notes from sensing you recently, yeah?


21:17, Jan 22nd.

The false image Meteor has programmed to protect himself with is not the one he thinks he’s programmed, like that one he believes deters unwanted connections. Everything that he’s done to himself to make and believe himself to be female, is all there on the surface to be read energetically. He attempts to adhere to the outward image of what most of society falsely believes makes up a stereotypical woman. The energy of it appears as a shield around him like its own aura, and has been programmed with a fear response that when pushed at shrinks in on itself and in anger quickly tries to aggressively shove away the person. Subconsciously it seems he’s made it that he can’t be friendly with anyone who doesn’t accept his shield or tries to see the real him, which explains why he gets physically angry and irrational at anyone who tries to help him in a way that is opposite of his shield, including his rational mind. It may explain why he manages to never understand properly and twist around what people tell him in discussions, making inaccurate connections and false meanings that satisfy his shield and feeds its existence. This seems to happen passively. It draws in and attaches with only people and thoughts that accept it and attempts to reject the ones that don’t. It’s effectively holding him hostage like a thoughtform.

Underneath the shell he’s created around himself is nothing but fear, vulnerability, instability, concentrated dross buildup, and who he really is. He’s someone who is afraid of the world around him and of himself. The energies within him are incredibly chaotic, imbalanced, and I sense more than just his within him. I sense pollution. His consciousness is very unhealthy, and there are self-worth issues clouding it. His lower chakras appear hidden in negative energy, and the rest of his body looks as if it’s been poisoned. There is a lot of concentrated negativity towards the lower area of his body, along with a deep feeling of misery, pain, and longing. He’s programmed so much negativity into that area of his body, it’s not hard to understand that he naturally wants it to be gone and heal. It’s making him sick energetically, but his conscious mind thinks that cutting out all that negativity by removing the face of it physically (his genitals) will save him from it. His genitals aren’t the problem. I guess it’s similar to how one wants to cut out an aggressive cancer growth but cuts out the entire vital organ instead.

End of notes.


That’s the fake puppet doll people see when they connect to you, and when they look deeper they see exactly what you’re afraid of people seeing. There is no pain that is inflicted from sensing all that, the pain is your emotions that leak through your shield and the amount of toxic negative energy within you. You’re an open book and are fooling no one but unenlightened idiots, and yourself.

You asked if free will is a good or bad thing, yet once again this thread is actually just about the persona you’ve created around you. All you’re doing is rephrasing the same questions and story, having the same arguments and discussions, and making it all look pretty with a semi-serious question of free will as bait into talking about the same problem, while you do nothing to legitimately help yourself. All you want to know is if you can justify continuing to harm yourself and waste energy on making things worse and learning nothing. You’re sinking in your own muck and dragging others down to swim around in it with you, and for whatever reason you think this is a good and perfectly reasonable thing to be doing to have a fulfilling life...
I think that's a very sensible analysis. Indeed, I did not make this thread to gain information or learn anything. In fact, just wanted to be stimulated. What's life with only the nice, pleasant things, you know? I want some strife, but I'm both respected and appreciated by those close to me, so it's hard to find it anywhere but here. A post like yours is just what I was hungry for.

Then, following along with your analysis, perhaps the reason I deliberately seek negative stimuli such as this, is because it "helps" to reinforce the notion of importance of the shield. This shield is really more like a mask, as it permanently and completely loses its effectiveness when that which lies underneath is exposed and taken seriously, even if it is raised again afterwards. Therefore, surely the reason I exposed myself in the first place, is because I wanted to see what things would be like without the mask. When people are nice to me and everything goes well, it's easy to start wondering: "do I really need to hide anything?" And then, negative stimuli in a situation where I'm exposed, strengthen my fears and remind me how important it really is. I wouldn't want everything to fall apart just yet, now, would I? So I have the keep reminding myself, over and over, with negative consequences, just how important this is.

I even admitted this in the opening post of this thread: "I'm hungry for food for thought that I can't obtain from people who like me."

And then, indeed: I'll concentrate all of this into the scapegoat, and then I'll have it surgically purged. I'll finally be myself again, free from all the negativity I so foolishly took upon myself. It's become far too much for me to bear, and yet I'm too afraid to let go, so this is the only way I know to remove it. The funniest part is that it'll actually work despite how ridiculous it is, simply because of how it ties in with this whole complex within my psychology. It would finally make everything fall apart, so that I can start anew, and rebuild it all from the ashes, just the way I always wanted. As it always should've been. As I deserve.

And that is precisely why despite the surface happiness you might gain from keeping the shield and going through surgery, it will only serve to inflict more problems, harm, and suffering for yourself in the future. You're not a female, that's the fake doll you created, and now you want to literally physically become your doll because that is easy for you to do and avoids facing your problems, instead of spiritually working towards enlightenment. The doll won't survive without your real self that you want to surgically remove. The doll is a parasite that can't survive without a host, and your real self is the host. Becoming the doll completely would mean the real you will die, and then the doll will die with you.

Do you understand now? The negative energy inside you won't go away, because that's what your doll feeds on and why you attract it to yourself. The more harm you do, the more negative energy and conflict you feed on, the more powerful it becomes and the more you sink. You behave like a psychic vampire, projecting negativity, causing negativity, and absorbing it to feed your persona shield, only to do it all again the next time. You have already ingrained in your subconscious that you deserve to suffer, and you choose affirmations for your magick that further strengthen these problems.

One can only hope the real you remembers who you are and who you decided to dedicate to, and gains some strength to wake up.
 
My gosh meteor, can you just quit it already, you've had enough forum space to discuss your mental illness, people have already given you plenty of advice that you constantly reject, at this point I'm gonna call you a troll.

You're a man, you want surgery to cut off your penis? Alright do it, but stop promoting your degeneracy on the forums, it's gone on for too long at this point and no matter how many threads you open, nobody is ever gonna tell you that what you're doing is a goood thing.

What you need is a psychologist not a surgery.
 
Aquarius said:
My gosh meteor, can you just quit it already, you've had enough forum space to discuss your mental illness, people have already given you plenty of advice that you constantly reject, at this point I'm gonna call you a troll.

You're a man, you want surgery to cut off your penis? Alright do it, but stop promoting your degeneracy on the forums, it's gone on for too long at this point and no matter how many threads you open, nobody is ever gonna tell you that what you're doing is a goood thing.

What you need is a psychologist not a surgery.
The psychologists are actually instructed in their practice to further this problem. We don't have a medical establishment that will call out transgenderism as a mental illness. It's actually insane that as a psychologist you can't say that a person is insane.

It's actually very cruel that a lot of people aren't able to get treated for their issues in the Western world. All of the mainstream medical establishment just hopes to mask the issues with chemical drugs instead of striking the root cause of the problem.
 
Jack said:
The psychologists are actually instructed in their practice to further this problem. We don't have a medical establishment that will call out transgenderism as a mental illness. It's actually insane that as a psychologist you can't say that a person is insane.

It's actually very cruel that a lot of people aren't able to get treated for their issues in the Western world. All of the mainstream medical establishment just hopes to mask the issues with chemical drugs instead of striking the root cause of the problem.
Psychology is a fake science and along with therapists they are the modern day capitalist KGB that exists to either put you on Jew pills or
further ruin a person like Meteor by prescribing mutilation to them as a “treatment”.

And certainly don’t go to them if you are someone like us. They’ll try to label you schizophrenic if you tell them about hearing/talking to the Gods and other astral beings. Also never about feeling disenfranchised and alienated from modern clown society or else they will use this to have you institutionalized or have you ratted out to the FBI and be put on watch list.
 
Aquarius said:
My gosh meteor, can you just quit it already, you've had enough forum space to discuss your mental illness, people have already given you plenty of advice that you constantly reject, at this point I'm gonna call you a troll.

You're a man, you want surgery to cut off your penis? Alright do it, but stop promoting your degeneracy on the forums, it's gone on for too long at this point and no matter how many threads you open, nobody is ever gonna tell you that what you're doing is a goood thing.

What you need is a psychologist not a surgery.

I think this website is the wrong place for it. But I do think it would be important or helpful for Meteor to write all these things into a book. Descriptions of his mindset and situation is the exact perfect example of what "transgenderism" actually is, and will be the perfect way to show a young person who might be interested in that that it is not at all a comfortable or healthy thing to do. This is the perfect way to counter all of the jew propaganda that says that any of this is good.
 
Meteor said:
tabby said:
Meteor said:
And that is precisely why despite the surface happiness you might gain from keeping the shield and going through surgery, it will only serve to inflict more problems, harm, and suffering for yourself in the future. You're not a female, that's the fake doll you created, and now you want to literally physically become your doll because that is easy for you to do and avoids facing your problems, instead of spiritually working towards enlightenment. The doll won't survive without your real self that you want to surgically remove. The doll is a parasite that can't survive without a host, and your real self is the host. Becoming the doll completely would mean the real you will die, and then the doll will die with you.

Do you understand now? The negative energy inside you won't go away, because that's what your doll feeds on and why you attract it to yourself. The more harm you do, the more negative energy and conflict you feed on, the more powerful it becomes and the more you sink. You behave like a psychic vampire, projecting negativity, causing negativity, and absorbing it to feed your persona shield, only to do it all again the next time. You have already ingrained in your subconscious that you deserve to suffer, and you choose affirmations for your magick that further strengthen these problems.

One can only hope the real you remembers who you are and who you decided to dedicate to, and gains some strength to wake up.
I'm sure it was the real me that wished for this. That's why I deserve this, both as my punishment and reward.

My essence is human. Once it's been fully consumed, the vessel, too, will be human, even if the person that was once inside is dead, fully digested. This body will still have a brain. It will still have a heart. It will still have blood, lungs, kidneys, a liver, a stomach, bowels. Nerves, bones, skin. A prostate, even; although I technically don't even need physical stimulation anymore to reach climax, but it's still there just in case. I'll still have all the vital organs I need to survive, and my sexual energy will be plentiful as always, if not more. And if, by any chance, that's still not enough for me to to grow, there's still my fiancé who is always more than willing to share and fill me up.

Not only will the sorrows be gone, but the void that is left behind will be filled with positive energy this time as we make love. I'll never let it come to such rot and decay anymore. I'll bathe in his warmth and let it keep the dark at bay. I won't be edgy like this anymore.

It's not truly a matter of death. An old ego may die, but my Soul still shines even if my identity changes. I've gathered all the necessary materials, and now I just need to finish stitching them together into the person I always wanted to be. It's almost complete.

I can already see myself saying: "It went just as I expected. It seems so silly in hindsight. I mean, I'm clearly just a normal woman, right? It was simply my body that was wrong, and now it is right. That was the root of all my turmoil all this time. I feel so peaceful now, it's almost scary; but it's for the best that I get used to it. No one can take this away from me anymore, so I'll treasure it forever."

Ah, I feel so tranquil just thinking about it. That's what I always wanted. I'll have it soon enough.

Anyway, thank you for your feedback, my intellectual hunger has been sated for now. As edgy as I am, I will try to be less of a vampire. I understand that it's nothing short of insufferable, and while it's useful to me, I think I shouldn't be so selfish.

Is this really what Father Satan meant when He said to do what I think is best? It seems almost as though I've gone off the deep end. But, I suppose something that will always remain True, in this lie-filled world, is: "if it works, it works." That's what I'll believe in.

i feel really sorry for the mental problems you're going thru with transgender issues and such though some people who go thru the surgery end up regretting it and wanting their genitals back though if you feel CUTTING OFF YOUR PENIS will make you feel better than do it. i haven't paid much attention to your forums but it seems you complain about the same issues very frequently like i have done though i know that complaining will never fix anything and working on yourself or something is the only way to fix your problems as is fixing mine. Meteor try not to be so negative you have all this good advice to help you and you know how to work Magick though you should know better than to have negative intentions with your Magick such as negative affirmations and taking in others negative energy into yourself to help them while you turn more insane.

also and i know its harsh to say but your not a true Woman you are a Man due to having a Penis and other such hormones and body parts so cutting off your Penis isn't going to fix this and will likely lead down a worse path but if this is what you want go ahead and do it already.

also on a personal note i was thinking in the past of cutting off my Penis but not for the same reasons as you want to and i never went thru with it i still have my Penis and will never want to remove it ever since i know that will ruin my mind more and ruin future relationships etc.

i hope you get better Meteor and think things thru.
 
well i can't help but feel bad for Meteor how does someone get to such a point in their life where they believe they deserve to suffer and want to cut off their Penis thinking it will help even though it will likely cause more problems.

also heres a link to a documentary by RT about trans people who regret their sex change

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pxxBQm114k
 
tabby said:
Meteor said:
tabby said:
I kept my description of what I experienced brief and vague. It's rather controversial and risky to reveal what one sees psychically when they have no ability to provide physical proof and people have to take their word for it or call them a liar or deluded even if they're telling/seeing the truth, or people can lie in defense of their image against the others senses. At the time, I confused my wording, calling what I did with you as astral projection and have since learned what astral projection actually feels like, and now know that I was doing what I always do with people. Seeing them from afar with my senses. I don't require connecting with ones aura to see them, and that has not been the only time I've seen you since. Only people more spiritually powerful than myself have been able to hide from me. Either way you had already established a connection with me and I with you because we decided to be friends and then had a heated argument. So long as you did the dedication ritual and don't abandon it, we are connected as SS regardless.

I had/have no intention of doing anything to you, only learn the truth about you and your situation. I would be violating our rules here if I attempted anything else, and going against my own code. What I sensed back then was your pain, what I saw was the reflection of that pain, and I chose not to push further because I am an empath and your pain was too much. Your body was radiating with it as if you had butchered yourself with black energy. Your light body was dark with a thin glow of aura around it, and the pain was emotional pain. You say others have not been "deterred" and felt nothing when they actually tried to do things to you. My experience with you is no confirmation that your programming worked because I did none of what you programmed your aura to deter against. I wasn't harmed, only upset to see what you've done to yourself. Your programming will not deter anyone or anything who is more powerful than you, and anyone you let your guard down around.

Talking about my karmic pattern was referring to that fact you had been a cult leader.
You're right. Towards you specifically, I feel such sorrow and regret. You've inspired me so: even just yesterday, something you recommended long ago came to mind, and I tried it and it was wonderful. The light-hearted chitchat you entertained me with made me think of you as a friend, even. Now I find myself unable to stop thinking about it, wondering why I put those things to waste.

I burned all those pleasantries down to ashes, by being far too talkative about things that should've been kept hidden deep inside; "taboo". And the only reason Siatris was even able to spread rumours about me in the first place, is because I kept trying to post about what happened back then; while HP Hoodedcobra disapproved most of those posts, enough got through for others to recognize me.

Black is the most absorptive type of energy. From the start, black was the easiest colour for me to invoke and use. That summer, I deliberately engulfed myself in that darkness, because I wanted to steal people's sorrows and worries from them and bear them myself, so I could see them more cheerfully. They became so absurdly overconfident and manic, and I thought that was a good thing, even as they reached the greatest heights of insanity I've ever witnessed, that I wished to be true; but then it all came crashing down.

Where there was a thirst before, there is now a well that never stops overflowing. The darkness no longer hurts me or drowns me, it soothes and co-exists peacefully with the light within, obscuring it like a dense barrier. I can't even distinguish it from my natural self anymore, as it has become the very skin I wear. I used to feel so empty inside, and perhaps I thought that if I absorbed those I like, I would become someone I like. But if this feeling of fullness inside means I've finally become someone, then why am I still so... dark? Why does everyone else look so bright and shiny, while I'm like this?

Is this my true nature? Absorption, concealment, confusion, chaos, knowledge of taboo, endurance? Or am I just being edgy?
I don't feel tainted anymore. Hehehehehehe... Hahahahahahahahaha!

You know, I used to wish for a world without hypocrisy; but then I realised that hypocrisy is something humans need in order to survive. If not for baseless self-righteousness, people would be left defenceless to the things they don't understand. Whether it is more important to be "fair", or to shield oneself from the dangers of the unknown, is a dilemma for many; but by being hypocrites, people can shield themselves from what they don't understand, yet simultaneously convince themselves that they're being completely fair. I can hardly blame them, or myself. Hehehe...

The darkness that embraced me, is really the darkness that exists within all people, is it not? It's just hidden, locked away, repressed... People are out of tune with it. So what if you turned a Soul inside out, putting it all on the very surface... wouldn't that be "True"?
Indeed; no matter how many people believe in something, no matter how beautiful and wonderful it is: a lie will remain a lie.

People should not neglect the beauty and chaotic tranquil of the darkness. Pretty lights can lead people astray into dazzling delusions, and structure can lead to stagnation. It's always been from the chaos and darkness that the most brilliant progress was borne.
https://www.satanisgod.org/www.angelfire.com/empire/serpentis666/Color.html

You really don’t get it. You energy ripped people’s emotions and negativity, willingly taking that into yourself thinking of all things you could have done that would make them cheery? You didn’t help those people you completely imbalanced them, and you still hold those people’s energies. The reason it’s not even clean away is because you’ve identified with it as being part of you. Taking away the emotions and worries of people doesn’t solve their problems, it makes them worse.

I’m not talking about darkness as in the opposite of light as we understand it. I mean literally your light body was not bright and shiny as if it’s clean. Your light body is not suppose to look that dark, it means there’s dross and negative energy remaining in your soul and you haven’t cleaned it out. Not some edgy nonsense about your personality.

Why don’t I show you some of my notes from sensing you recently, yeah?


21:17, Jan 22nd.

The false image Meteor has programmed to protect himself with is not the one he thinks he’s programmed, like that one he believes deters unwanted connections. Everything that he’s done to himself to make and believe himself to be female, is all there on the surface to be read energetically. He attempts to adhere to the outward image of what most of society falsely believes makes up a stereotypical woman. The energy of it appears as a shield around him like its own aura, and has been programmed with a fear response that when pushed at shrinks in on itself and in anger quickly tries to aggressively shove away the person. Subconsciously it seems he’s made it that he can’t be friendly with anyone who doesn’t accept his shield or tries to see the real him, which explains why he gets physically angry and irrational at anyone who tries to help him in a way that is opposite of his shield, including his rational mind. It may explain why he manages to never understand properly and twist around what people tell him in discussions, making inaccurate connections and false meanings that satisfy his shield and feeds its existence. This seems to happen passively. It draws in and attaches with only people and thoughts that accept it and attempts to reject the ones that don’t. It’s effectively holding him hostage like a thoughtform.

Underneath the shell he’s created around himself is nothing but fear, vulnerability, instability, concentrated dross buildup, and who he really is. He’s someone who is afraid of the world around him and of himself. The energies within him are incredibly chaotic, imbalanced, and I sense more than just his within him. I sense pollution. His consciousness is very unhealthy, and there are self-worth issues clouding it. His lower chakras appear hidden in negative energy, and the rest of his body looks as if it’s been poisoned. There is a lot of concentrated negativity towards the lower area of his body, along with a deep feeling of misery, pain, and longing. He’s programmed so much negativity into that area of his body, it’s not hard to understand that he naturally wants it to be gone and heal. It’s making him sick energetically, but his conscious mind thinks that cutting out all that negativity by removing the face of it physically (his genitals) will save him from it. His genitals aren’t the problem. I guess it’s similar to how one wants to cut out an aggressive cancer growth but cuts out the entire vital organ instead.

End of notes.


That’s the fake puppet doll people see when they connect to you, and when they look deeper they see exactly what you’re afraid of people seeing. There is no pain that is inflicted from sensing all that, the pain is your emotions that leak through your shield and the amount of toxic negative energy within you. You’re an open book and are fooling no one but unenlightened idiots, and yourself.

You asked if free will is a good or bad thing, yet once again this thread is actually just about the persona you’ve created around you. All you’re doing is rephrasing the same questions and story, having the same arguments and discussions, and making it all look pretty with a semi-serious question of free will as bait into talking about the same problem, while you do nothing to legitimately help yourself. All you want to know is if you can justify continuing to harm yourself and waste energy on making things worse and learning nothing. You’re sinking in your own muck and dragging others down to swim around in it with you, and for whatever reason you think this is a good and perfectly reasonable thing to be doing to have a fulfilling life...

i know this is kinda off topic but can you sense me and my energy and if so what is it?
 
Meteor said:
I'm hungry for food for thought that I can't obtain from people who like me, so I'll be relying on you again.

If I want something so much that I'm unable to give up no matter what, then technically my will isn't free. But is that a bad thing? Being unwilling / unable to give up drastically increases the likelihood of eventual success, and with immense desire comes immense fulfilment in success, which I know for certain as I've experienced it countless times by now due to my obsessive personality.

Acting in accordance with one's circumstances and inclinations, and taking the course of action one is most drawn to, seems like the opposite of free will, and yet it makes a lot of sense. It is simply to accept and fulfil one's "destiny", in the sense that it is the most predictable course of action if all the factors involved are known. Destiny is also often compared to karma, which are the chains that subconsciously bind a person's mind and can even affect their surroundings through their aura. To be free of such chains appears to be considered a virtue by many here. However, is there not also great satisfaction in manifesting what one believes to be one's destiny, whether proudly or spitefully?

What merit is there in freeing myself from the chains of karma, if those chains also inherently give me direction and purpose in life?
It only seems detrimental to me. But if that is really the case, then why is "free will" regarded as such a good thing?

For that matter, is there anything more important in life than long-term fulfilment, regardless of how it is found? Even acts of altruism appear to be done for the sake of emotional satisfaction, or to garner goodwill for the sake of cooperation. Therefore, is the greatest purpose in life not simply whatever one deems it to be, regardless of how one rationalises it?

All feedback is welcome; I'm simply thinking aloud, mildly dissatisfied with my conclusions.

A flower doesn't choose when it will replace it's older wilted version, but it always buds when it feels light. It chooses to bloom, and blossoms, and in its wisdom, knows that when it wilts, another flower will take its place. Even if a silk flower is immortal, the natural one will one day surpass it. Such is how powerful free will really is.
 
The Outlaw Torn said:
Jack said:
The psychologists are actually instructed in their practice to further this problem. We don't have a medical establishment that will call out transgenderism as a mental illness. It's actually insane that as a psychologist you can't say that a person is insane.

It's actually very cruel that a lot of people aren't able to get treated for their issues in the Western world. All of the mainstream medical establishment just hopes to mask the issues with chemical drugs instead of striking the root cause of the problem.
Psychology is a fake science and along with therapists they are the modern day capitalist KGB that exists to either put you on Jew pills or
further ruin a person like Meteor by prescribing mutilation to them as a “treatment”.

And certainly don’t go to them if you are someone like us. They’ll try to label you schizophrenic if you tell them about hearing/talking to the Gods and other astral beings. Also never about feeling disenfranchised and alienated from modern clown society or else they will use this to have you institutionalized or have you ratted out to the FBI and be put on watch list.
I agree. I'm not going to have some pencil neck dweeb tell me whats wrong with my life. All of these psychologists live unhappy lives themselves with being divorced, having their kids disrespect them and cheat on their wives.
 
The Outlaw Torn said:
Jack said:
The psychologists are actually instructed in their practice to further this problem. We don't have a medical establishment that will call out transgenderism as a mental illness. It's actually insane that as a psychologist you can't say that a person is insane.

It's actually very cruel that a lot of people aren't able to get treated for their issues in the Western world. All of the mainstream medical establishment just hopes to mask the issues with chemical drugs instead of striking the root cause of the problem.
Psychology is a fake science and along with therapists they are the modern day capitalist KGB that exists to either put you on Jew pills or
further ruin a person like Meteor by prescribing mutilation to them as a “treatment”.

And certainly don’t go to them if you are someone like us. They’ll try to label you schizophrenic if you tell them about hearing/talking to the Gods and other astral beings. Also never about feeling disenfranchised and alienated from modern clown society or else they will use this to have you institutionalized or have you ratted out to the FBI and be put on watch list.
Psychologist cannot give anyone any pill, because they're not medically qualified. Psychiatrists are the only one that can prescribe you drugs, among the two. That's the only note I wanted to make.
 
Crystallized Mushroom said:
tabby said:
Meteor said:
You're right. Towards you specifically, I feel such sorrow and regret. You've inspired me so: even just yesterday, something you recommended long ago came to mind, and I tried it and it was wonderful. The light-hearted chitchat you entertained me with made me think of you as a friend, even. Now I find myself unable to stop thinking about it, wondering why I put those things to waste.

I burned all those pleasantries down to ashes, by being far too talkative about things that should've been kept hidden deep inside; "taboo". And the only reason Siatris was even able to spread rumours about me in the first place, is because I kept trying to post about what happened back then; while HP Hoodedcobra disapproved most of those posts, enough got through for others to recognize me.

Black is the most absorptive type of energy. From the start, black was the easiest colour for me to invoke and use. That summer, I deliberately engulfed myself in that darkness, because I wanted to steal people's sorrows and worries from them and bear them myself, so I could see them more cheerfully. They became so absurdly overconfident and manic, and I thought that was a good thing, even as they reached the greatest heights of insanity I've ever witnessed, that I wished to be true; but then it all came crashing down.

Where there was a thirst before, there is now a well that never stops overflowing. The darkness no longer hurts me or drowns me, it soothes and co-exists peacefully with the light within, obscuring it like a dense barrier. I can't even distinguish it from my natural self anymore, as it has become the very skin I wear. I used to feel so empty inside, and perhaps I thought that if I absorbed those I like, I would become someone I like. But if this feeling of fullness inside means I've finally become someone, then why am I still so... dark? Why does everyone else look so bright and shiny, while I'm like this?

Is this my true nature? Absorption, concealment, confusion, chaos, knowledge of taboo, endurance? Or am I just being edgy?
I don't feel tainted anymore. Hehehehehehe... Hahahahahahahahaha!

You know, I used to wish for a world without hypocrisy; but then I realised that hypocrisy is something humans need in order to survive. If not for baseless self-righteousness, people would be left defenceless to the things they don't understand. Whether it is more important to be "fair", or to shield oneself from the dangers of the unknown, is a dilemma for many; but by being hypocrites, people can shield themselves from what they don't understand, yet simultaneously convince themselves that they're being completely fair. I can hardly blame them, or myself. Hehehe...

The darkness that embraced me, is really the darkness that exists within all people, is it not? It's just hidden, locked away, repressed... People are out of tune with it. So what if you turned a Soul inside out, putting it all on the very surface... wouldn't that be "True"?
Indeed; no matter how many people believe in something, no matter how beautiful and wonderful it is: a lie will remain a lie.

People should not neglect the beauty and chaotic tranquil of the darkness. Pretty lights can lead people astray into dazzling delusions, and structure can lead to stagnation. It's always been from the chaos and darkness that the most brilliant progress was borne.
https://www.satanisgod.org/www.angelfire.com/empire/serpentis666/Color.html

You really don’t get it. You energy ripped people’s emotions and negativity, willingly taking that into yourself thinking of all things you could have done that would make them cheery? You didn’t help those people you completely imbalanced them, and you still hold those people’s energies. The reason it’s not even clean away is because you’ve identified with it as being part of you. Taking away the emotions and worries of people doesn’t solve their problems, it makes them worse.

I’m not talking about darkness as in the opposite of light as we understand it. I mean literally your light body was not bright and shiny as if it’s clean. Your light body is not suppose to look that dark, it means there’s dross and negative energy remaining in your soul and you haven’t cleaned it out. Not some edgy nonsense about your personality.

Why don’t I show you some of my notes from sensing you recently, yeah?


21:17, Jan 22nd.

The false image Meteor has programmed to protect himself with is not the one he thinks he’s programmed, like that one he believes deters unwanted connections. Everything that he’s done to himself to make and believe himself to be female, is all there on the surface to be read energetically. He attempts to adhere to the outward image of what most of society falsely believes makes up a stereotypical woman. The energy of it appears as a shield around him like its own aura, and has been programmed with a fear response that when pushed at shrinks in on itself and in anger quickly tries to aggressively shove away the person. Subconsciously it seems he’s made it that he can’t be friendly with anyone who doesn’t accept his shield or tries to see the real him, which explains why he gets physically angry and irrational at anyone who tries to help him in a way that is opposite of his shield, including his rational mind. It may explain why he manages to never understand properly and twist around what people tell him in discussions, making inaccurate connections and false meanings that satisfy his shield and feeds its existence. This seems to happen passively. It draws in and attaches with only people and thoughts that accept it and attempts to reject the ones that don’t. It’s effectively holding him hostage like a thoughtform.

Underneath the shell he’s created around himself is nothing but fear, vulnerability, instability, concentrated dross buildup, and who he really is. He’s someone who is afraid of the world around him and of himself. The energies within him are incredibly chaotic, imbalanced, and I sense more than just his within him. I sense pollution. His consciousness is very unhealthy, and there are self-worth issues clouding it. His lower chakras appear hidden in negative energy, and the rest of his body looks as if it’s been poisoned. There is a lot of concentrated negativity towards the lower area of his body, along with a deep feeling of misery, pain, and longing. He’s programmed so much negativity into that area of his body, it’s not hard to understand that he naturally wants it to be gone and heal. It’s making him sick energetically, but his conscious mind thinks that cutting out all that negativity by removing the face of it physically (his genitals) will save him from it. His genitals aren’t the problem. I guess it’s similar to how one wants to cut out an aggressive cancer growth but cuts out the entire vital organ instead.

End of notes.


That’s the fake puppet doll people see when they connect to you, and when they look deeper they see exactly what you’re afraid of people seeing. There is no pain that is inflicted from sensing all that, the pain is your emotions that leak through your shield and the amount of toxic negative energy within you. You’re an open book and are fooling no one but unenlightened idiots, and yourself.

You asked if free will is a good or bad thing, yet once again this thread is actually just about the persona you’ve created around you. All you’re doing is rephrasing the same questions and story, having the same arguments and discussions, and making it all look pretty with a semi-serious question of free will as bait into talking about the same problem, while you do nothing to legitimately help yourself. All you want to know is if you can justify continuing to harm yourself and waste energy on making things worse and learning nothing. You’re sinking in your own muck and dragging others down to swim around in it with you, and for whatever reason you think this is a good and perfectly reasonable thing to be doing to have a fulfilling life...

i know this is kinda off topic but can you sense me and my energy and if so what is it?

No. Meteor is the only member here aside from my partner that I have gone this deep into sensing and made notes for, purely because I wanted personally to understand the root of this madness and the truth of his situation, and as my last attempt to maybe help Meteor understand outside of the haze what he needs to do to heal. Afterwards I had to spend a couple hours cleaning my own energy, as Meteor is a very unhealthy individual.

If you are wanting to know about and understand your own energy, sit and meditate for a couple minutes, just focusing on feeling your energy with even breaths. Is your energy warm? Is it Cold? Tingly? Burning? What colour do you sense it could be, lighter or darker shade? Is there a difference in the feeling of your energy in one area of your body compared to another? If you do, do you experience problems in this area compared to others? How does your energy feel when you're sick vs when you are healthy and happy? What changes in your energy when you tell a lie vs when you tell the truth? etc etc. Experiment and be curious to try with different situations, and work to empower your psychic abilities and intuition.

It's a matter of learning how to read yourself, like reading a coded book. Everyone wants to know about themselves but few actually take the time to introspect and turn inward to find the answers. Most instead look for any external people or sources to provide the answers for them either because they don't know what they're looking for or they're too afraid to trust themselves. Empower your abilities and practice with yourself, and in time you won't need others to tell you how to help yourself.

This is a good habit to have, since if one is prone to trusting negative people or has say a situation like Meteor's where he is trusting the words of non-spiritual doctors to tell him answers to his spiritual problems, you are less likely to find yourself in troubled positions that get you stuck or leave you worse off.
 
Meteor said:
tabby said:
... a situation like Meteor's where he is trusting the words of non-spiritual doctors to tell him answers to his spiritual problems ...
This seems to be a misunderstanding.

I don't trust the words of doctors; I often argue with them because I think I know better. Several years ago when a doctor wanted to prescribe a topical cream for something, I insisted on having it treated with ivermectin since it's easier to use and more effective. My mom helped me convince him, and it worked wonders, just like I thought. I hardly ever trust people's recommendations in general, as I like doing things my way; and even if they're officially qualified, that just means they learned about the topic who knows how many years ago. Oftentimes, new information has been discovered since they finished their education, which can change everything.

I trust in statistics and mathematics, and in my intuition; not in people. In seeking treatment from doctors, I've hardly ever kept an open mind. I always had clearly in mind from the start what kind of treatment I wanted, and generally had good results if I was given it.

Before you say these statistics come from doctors; that often isn't the case. Statistics can come from many sources. Admittedly they are gathered by people, about people; but if this is done with the intent to learn, then I find it reliable enough.

I wouldn't exactly call the label of qualified as meaning much more than "a kike placed you in a position with a loud voice of authority and apparently experience" these days regarding the medical field of things... especially where the knowledge of energies and chakras are completely disregarded as pseudoscience or myths. Many ailments and even mental illness could be far better healed if the western world paid a little more mind to ancient teachings of medicine.

From the way you have defended the studies and doctors who provide transgender surgery and hormones, it would seem you do trust the words of them, so long as it aligns with what you want.

If an alternate treatment was presented to you, a healthier and more beneficial alternative, would you be able to consider it? Or would you continue to strictly stick to what you want?
 
Meteor said:
I'll address what you wrote and your question before I leave.

tabby said:
From the way you have defended the studies and doctors who provide transgender surgery and hormones, it would seem you do trust the words of them, so long as it aligns with what you want.
I wonder; have I really defended them? I merely stated that those things work more often than not from a scientific stand-point. The same could be said for anti-depressants, despite the fact they can destroy a person's intellect and sexuality; they treat the apparent symptoms of the issue at hand, but at what cost? If regret rates and complications are overblown to paint a certain picture, that is not a matter of Truth, but propaganda. I see the purpose in that, but I like to be correct. That said, I've often found that being correct is not the same as being right, so I do see your point, and since I'm leaving (for good this time), I won't bring it up anymore.

If an alternate treatment was presented to you, a healthier and more beneficial alternative, would you be able to consider it? Or would you continue to strictly stick to what you want?
If you went back in time to teach me about the healthier and more beneficial alternative, I would've chosen it without a doubt. Now, I'm no longer interested. To explain why, I'll go over the past, explaining the state of my mind and the psychological factors involved in making such a drastic decision, and why I've lost interest in alternatives.

When I was 17, I started to feel like time was running out, and wanted to make a decision about this topic ASAP. In an attempt to accelerate my thought process, I thought that maybe if I deliberately sought out the most depressing, horrifying stories from transgender people and detransitioners, this would scare me so much that I'd rather just commit suicide or attempt to live a normal life after all. But the sheer negativity of how these people were treated for wanting to change their sex, or changing the way they expressed themselves, made me feel numb inside instead; so numb that I felt like was no longer afraid of anything. Then, while in this state of mind, I considered my options, one by one.

Suicide, while it seemed like most effective option to end my suffering, seemed like cheating. I wanted to pick the option that would result in the best (most fulfilling) situation for me; but with suicide, there would be no situation anymore, so it would automatically result in failure to achieve the best situation. So I crossed this option off.

The second option I could think of, was to continue to try my best to make things work and live a fulfilling life as a male. However, this is what I had been doing for years, and during those years my social anxiety and insecurity about my sexual preferences had only grown worse. I had become so miserable, that I knew it wasn't long before I would fully run out of the strength and energy needed for this, as it was starting to feel almost impossible for me to continue anymore: to get out of my bed in the morning, to eat, to talk to people. This didn't seem feasible in the long run, so I crossed this option off as well.

By process of elimination, this left only the third option: to make a firm decision to transition to female, and do what it takes to succeed. It seemed difficult and frightening: I would have to face many embarrassing situations head-on despite my social anxiety, and I would have brand new things to feel insecure about. And so much was unknown: I didn't know if I would be able to change my voice, I didn't know if I would be able to grow natural-looking breasts, I didn't know if I would look like a woman to others or like some androgynous abomination, and I didn't know if sex reassignment surgery would give me anything even remotely functional to work with. But those unknowns, unlike the thought of staying the way I was... they gave me hope. In truth, it seemed dreadful to me to have to do all these things, and yet, it seemed like the best shot I had at finding happiness eventually. It meant to head down into a valley of suffering, in search of a mountain of joy on the other side. Right now I'm somewhere on that mountain, as I'm happier and more fulfilled than I remember ever being before in my life, but I can't see from here if I'm still just at the foot or already at the peak. I understand that if I keep going forward too recklessly, I might accidentally go past the peak and fall off, becoming unable to reach the top again as I'm injured. But even so, I want to explore and see what's there for myself, since it feels like my journey isn't over yet. With my physical body being such a blatant mixture of the two sexes right now, I simply can't shake the feeling that I am still in-between where I started and my destination. The best I can do is look at the concrete information available to me to make an informed decision, conscious of the danger ahead; I'm already thinking about how to overcome it even in the worst case scenarios.

I had been talking to a psychiatrist for about a year before that, although he decided to go on a sabbatical after the last few appointments ended in me relentlessly criticising and berating him for his inadequacy and wasting my time, making it very clear that I was only there because my parents forced me, and that I hated him. He had been prescribing me anti-anxiety medication that increased suicidal ideation as it made morbid thoughts less off-putting, and caused me to be sexually frustrated as it reduced my sensitivity. He also diagnosed me with Asperger's syndrome (a mild form of autism), with some rather contradictory reasoning: saying I maintained eye contact with him for unnaturally long durations (he argued that I was trying to overcompensate for my "difficulty to maintain eye contact", even though I didn't find it difficult and was simply glaring at him because I disliked him), was overly sensitive, and that my thought processes were too extreme. He also diagnosed me with gender dysphoria since I often blamed my social anxiety on "not being a cute girl", but wrote down as a note alongside this diagnosis that I shouldn't attempt a gender transition until I've fixed my black-and-white thinking, which I found bothersome as I saw no issue with the way I think. A year later, a different psychiatrist, who seemed to think I was an effeminate cross-dressing gay guy suffering heavily from internalised homophobia, and that changing my gender role would free me from that, rescinded the diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome as he thought my awkwardness was just a symptom of my self-hatred, and gave me permission to start hormone therapy anyway.

After that first therapist went on his sabbatical, I quit taking the pills he prescribed, and the withdrawal symptoms worsened my depression. It was a few months later that that I made my decision to transition; but if during these crucial months I had instead learned how to meditate, I would have overcome my social anxiety with that instead. And in talking to other people more openly, I would've realised that my sexual preferences really weren't as outrageous as I thought, regardless of whether for a man or a woman, so I would've stopped feeling insecure about it. I would've realised and accepted much sooner that gender, in social contexts rather than biology, is merely a construct that can be manipulated to serve a purpose, turned into something helpful rather than something that makes people feel pressured to conform to things they don't agree with. And thus, rather than than what I'm doing now (trying to adhere to a system that made me feel like I was broken), I would've tried to break the system by identifying as non-binary; because that's how I truly feel deep down if all the filters are gone, which I would've discovered in meditation, and more importantly, I would insist on it not just to free myself from the gender-based expectations I had been imposing on myself, but also as a big fuck-you to those who made me feel like there was something wrong with me in the first place with their garbage norms and social gender binary. Indeed, I would relish the seething of those who tell me that I can't be non-binary because I'm biologically male, but more importantly, I would be proud of my tall, androgynous male body and wouldn't have desire to change it in any unnatural way at all; no blockers and estrogen to make myself more feminine, no testosterone injections to make myself more masculine, no surgeries, I would've loved myself just the way I was. And you can look down on that if you want to, for wanting to identify in such an unconventional way; and I would've laughed at you for looking down on me, knowing to rock my own idiosyncrasies and focus my attention on those who appreciate me, not just put up with me, but love me including all my "weirdness".

However, that isn't what happened. Instead, I took extreme measures to conform to the heteronormative system in the most round-about way imaginable, and found fulfilment in that instead. Now that I've found success, and conquered all but one of the unknowns, I want to continue in this direction. Even if you show me another path now, I'm no longer interested. If you really wanted to "save" me, and by "save" you mean push me in a different direction than the one I chose, then go back in time and teach me how to meditate when I'm 17. What, do you think I'm being unreasonable? To me, it doesn't make a difference. I found happiness this way, and I could've found happiness that way. But the point is that I already found it, so I'm not looking to change my direction in life anymore; let alone undoing all the hard work that brought me here. I traversed through the valley of suffering because I lived in the swamp of despair. I'm not going to traverse it again now that I've already settled on such a nice mountain. Instead, I'll dig a mine to see what more I can find over here. Sorry for putting it like that; I just like crude jokes too much to hold back.

I should really just shut up. I know it's insufferable how I keep talking about this, and that it's only hard to stop thinking about it because the memories of my suffering are still warm, as a certain body part serves as an unwelcome reminder. Talking about it so much, while it gives me a way to let out those frustrations, obviously doesn't help either, as overthinking it so much, then reading the criticisms from others, just puts more salt in the wounds; although I've done this deliberately because I felt like the suffering helped me push on, I only needed that push because deep down I felt embarrassed that I'm doing this. But I've finally gotten over that. It doesn't have to make sense. It doesn't have to be for a reason. I'm just glad it helped, and I'm hopeful for the future as well. That's all that matters to me anymore. So... others don't have to understand after all. They can spit on all my hard work to improve my life if they want to, claiming it was pointless or suboptimal. Maybe it really wasn't the most efficient path I could've taken to happiness, but I didn't even have a clue what else I could do at the time, and I still don't know if another path would've really made me happier than I am now; I'm sure it would've been challenging and difficult at times in its own right, just like this is. I simply did what I could, made the best of my situation in the only way I knew how; or rather, I didn't even know, I kinda just winged it and hoped for the best. Even if I'm told now: "Hey, you should've done this instead!" Then, well, "What does that matter now?" There's no fucking way I'm going through purgatory again just to see how things could've been different now that I'm finally doing relatively okay (if you don't believe that, you have no idea how bad my mental state was as a teenager). Fuck that.

Satanism, and meditation, at least give me ways to supplement and improve my mental health in ways that most people don't know how to. Regardless of whether my decisions are the most optimal, or perhaps a bit reckless, or perhaps not really for any reason in particular other than "just because I wanted to try it", I have the tools to truly make the best of it. That's why I know... no, that's why I believe I'll be fine. That's why I wanted people to wish me luck. But people's words only mean so much; in the end, all that remains is cold-hard reality, and I'll have to face that myself. Not on my own, since my partner and my family will be with me; but I'll be the one who has to live with it forever. Even so, I want to face it. Because I want to see for myself, experience for myself, what it all led to, what I worked towards all this time. Perhaps it'll feel like a joke in hindsight, like it didn't really matter so much after all, but that's fine. Life goes on, even if I am transsexual, as much as I loathe to consider myself that way. While I do want to see the conclusion as I don't like to leave things unfinished, I think what matters far more than the conclusion, is everything I learned and gained along the way. I'm sure that if back when I was 17 I had magically woke up as a "cute girl" one day like I prayed for, it wouldn't have fixed anything; I would still have been just as depressed and insecure as before. It's because I did all these things myself that I was truly able to grow as a person. And I'll always strive to grow yet further, with or without a catalyst; even after this is all finished.

HAIL SATAN FOREVER!

Don't vent at me as if I'm the reason you have suffered just because I couldn't help your past self at the turning point of your life that lead you to feel this way. You're here on JoS now, the 4th option that has been presented to you, the one that would actually save you from yourself and lead to true fulfillment, and instead of facing the hard road it places before you, you choose to strictly follow the 3rd option you chose back when you were depressed and desperate without spiritual knowledge.

Why waste the chance you've been given and turn away from it when it tries to help you wake back up from your suffering and the ill-choices you made in ignorance? People are criticizing your choices because you have spirituality now, and still you refuse to welcome it into your limited basket of options because of what it will make you face in order to heal and grow. You don't use it to help yourself heal from anything that you need to really heal from. You're not in the past anymore, Meteor, and you can take the steps now to properly heal instead of run away from it all and cover it up with the image of a woman's body. It doesn't change how deeply injured your body is from this process, you claim happiness but as I've already tried to help you understand, your body does not reflect this underneath. Is this happiness really worth the cost it is doing to you spiritually? Is this what you want to carry inside you all your life unable to heal it because by then it would be too late?

Out of sight out of mind? Is that really what matters to you?

I'm not trying to save you, Meteor. I'm trying to help you save yourself from yourself, because you have meditation now and magick, you have knowledge and Father Satan's guidance if you open to him. Why does it matter that it wasn't when you were 17? You are here NOW. How many people here wish everyday they could have known everything they do now from JoS when they were facing the hardest times of their lives growing up? How many think over and over "if only, if only"?

We can't change our past, but we can use the knowledge we have now to end the cycles of suffering and uplift ourselves to have a better future, but you refuse because what's more important to you is an obsession you developed when you had no one, and didn't know about the spiritual world. You have a chance now to change everything you ever knew about the options you had in the past. Why ignore it out of fear and deprive yourself of something real? It's not going to go away by getting rid of the "eye-sore", don't fool yourself that it'll be that easy to cover all this up and sweep it aside. I hope for your sake, you'll take the time to really ponder on why you were brought here, because it wasn't to turn away the moment things get a little real when your problems are brought into the light.
 
Meteor said:
I would've realised and accepted much sooner that gender, in social contexts rather than biology, is merely a construct that can be manipulated to serve a purpose, turned into something helpful rather than something that makes people feel pressured to conform to things they don't agree with. And thus, rather than than what I'm doing now (trying to adhere to a system that made me feel like I was broken), I would've tried to break the system by identifying as non-binary; because that's how I truly feel deep down if all the filters are gone, which I would've discovered in meditation, and more importantly, I would insist on it not just to free myself from the gender-based expectations I had been imposing on myself, but also as a big fuck-you to those who made me feel like there was something wrong with me in the first place with their garbage norms and social gender binary. Indeed, I would relish the seething of those who tell me that I can't be non-binary because I'm biologically male, but more importantly, I would be proud of my tall, androgynous male body and wouldn't have desire to change it in any unnatural way at all; no blockers and estrogen to make myself more feminine, no testosterone injections to make myself more masculine, no surgeries, I would've loved myself just the way I was. And you can look down on that if you want to, for wanting to identify in such an unconventional way; and I would've laughed at you for looking down on me, knowing to rock my own idiosyncrasies and focus my attention on those who appreciate me, not just put up with me, but love me including all my "weirdness".

THIS is the right attitude. THIS is what I do myself. I love putting my hair up in female styles, and I look really pretty when I do and it makes me feel happy seeing my reflection. It's fun. Before I tried it, I thought only females could look that beautiful, but apparently the same methods work on males. I 100% agree with you that the modern conditioned male mold is retarded and needs to die off. It slowly is as people in society are beginning to wake up and evolve after going in circles for so long. Here's an example: https://www.harpersbazaar.com/cultu...riendships-emotional-labor-men-rely-on-women/

You can still pursue this path even now. You just aren't letting yourself for a number of reasons, and one of the biggest is spiritual possession which is just sad.

Meteor said:
However, that isn't what happened. Instead, I took extreme measures to conform to the heteronormative system in the most round-about way imaginable, and found fulfilment in that instead. Now that I've found success, and conquered all but one of the unknowns, I want to continue in this direction. Even if you show me another path now, I'm no longer interested. If you really wanted to "save" me, and by "save" you mean push me in a different direction than the one I chose, then go back in time and teach me how to meditate when I'm 17. What, do you think I'm being unreasonable? To me, it doesn't make a difference. I found happiness this way, and I could've found happiness that way. But the point is that I already found it, so I'm not looking to change my direction in life anymore; let alone undoing all the hard work that brought me here. I traversed through the valley of suffering because I lived in the swamp of despair. I'm not going to traverse it again now that I've already settled on such a nice mountain. Instead, I'll dig a mine to see what more I can find over here. Sorry for putting it like that; I just like crude jokes too much to hold back.

This is called the sunk cost fallacy. You should look into it, and then re-evaluate.
Sunk-cost fallacy

the phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.

Meteor said:
I'm sure that if back when I was 17 I had magically woke up as a "cute girl" one day like I prayed for, it wouldn't have fixed anything; I would still have been just as depressed and insecure as before.

You need to understand that being a female is more than just being cute. In fact, fundamentally and spiritually, cuteness has almost nothing to do with it. It's so much more than you think it is. It's honestly disgusting if what you are doing is reducing females to just how cute they are. Being female doesn't mean being barbie. Even many females today think that being female means being barbie, and they're wrong. They sell themselves short. Tapping into those aspects of Venus is definitely fun and exciting and fulfilling, but that's all life is for a lot of them... It's tragic. They'll ruin their feet in high heels, broadcast their half nude bodies while forsaking their dignity and exposing their skin to sunburn, and find contentment in being beautiful empty shells - all so they can be barbie.

You don't have to be a girl to be cute. You can look cute like them even as a male. It also has nothing to do with the sound of your voice. If anything women get the short end of the stick when it comes to voice because they can't go low pitch like males can, but males can go high and low.

If your desire to be female was true then it wouldn't make a difference to you whether you were transformed into a cute girl or an ugly girl. You would want to be a female either way because it would be a soul level thing. It's not, and that's because you don't want to be a girl - you want to be barbie.
 
Crystallized Mushroom said:
how does someone get to such a point in their life where they believe they deserve to suffer and want to cut off their Penis thinking it will help even though it will likely cause more problems.

People get to that point of wanting to self-mutilate and kill themselves because of internalized self-hatred. I am a gay man and I was suicidal for most of my life. More than 30 years. I utterly hated myself because most of the world hates gay people. I wanted to die because most of my lifetime everyone told me I was worthy of death.

Society makes gay people hate themselves through their hate. And then says “why are gay people so crazy?? they must just be fundamentally bad/mentally ill/deviant.” When those same people are the source of gay people hating themselves.

OP you don’t have to hate your sexuality. My life dramatically changed for the better after coming to my own conclusions about my sexuality. Being gay is actually beautiful and soul affirming if you stop listening to everyone else's hate.
 
everyonehatesus said:
Crystallized Mushroom said:
how does someone get to such a point in their life where they believe they deserve to suffer and want to cut off their Penis thinking it will help even though it will likely cause more problems.

People get to that point of wanting to self-mutilate and kill themselves because of internalized self-hatred. I am a gay man and I was suicidal for most of my life. More than 30 years. I utterly hated myself because most of the world hates gay people. I wanted to die because most of my lifetime everyone told me I was worthy of death.

Society makes gay people hate themselves through their hate. And then says “why are gay people so crazy?? they must just be fundamentally bad/mentally ill/deviant.” When those same people are the source of gay people hating themselves.

OP you don’t have to hate your sexuality. My life dramatically changed for the better after coming to my own conclusions about my sexuality. Being gay is actually beautiful and soul affirming if you stop listening to everyone else's hate.

well to tell the truth every now and then i have thought about cutting off my Penis but never did it due to the fact i would be worse off and i used to hate being bisexual cause of almost becoming a muslim.
 

Al Jilwah: Chapter IV

"It is my desire that all my followers unite in a bond of unity, lest those who are without prevail against them." - Satan

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