Yagami Light
Active member
Hello, hello, hello.
As of late I've been going through a very hard period in my life. It is not hard because of outer circumstances but because of my inner self, my thoughts, desires, my non-existent dreams, and myself, in general...
I keep thinking and thinking - ending up nowhere.
The moment I think that I found a solution to a problem, I realize that this problem was not what it looked like to be, so I keep on thinking and thinking, again... to no end. It never ends.
I have also come to question my inner advancement through meditation - though there is no doubt of the many great changes that have happened within me - there are still so many serious issues that have been pestering my life and I have reached a point where I don't see any meditation that could help me sort things out.
I feel trapped.
I can't trust... anyone. Even my sibling whom I love dearly and whom I KNOW that does NOT judge me, nor will they tell anyone what I tell them. I know this, yet I still don't trust them.
I strongly believe that when I tell them about something that has been bothering me, after that point, whatever I tell them they will keep thinking/linking whatever's been bothering me with my opinions. Basically, I will feel like they're being constantly judgemental towards me. I feel like they do NOT truly know me - but after I tell them about something personal, then they will "link" this thing to my personality, thinking they've figured me out.
I can't know if they do that. I don't have any proof. On the contrary, that person is a Pisces and very fluid. They have NEVER been judgemental towards me - so those thoughts don't really make sense.
I feel like I can only trust the Gods - because, no matter what I tell them, no matter the new problems that have appeared in my life, or the new things I've discovered about myself, THEY ALWAYS KNEW WHO I AM, THEY COULD ALWAYS SEE WITHIN MY HEART, so these new discoveries of mine will not change their perspective towards me.
But... this is a very problematic way of thinking. It's problematic because I can't see or hear the Gods (I can hear them sometimes, but still) the communication is very limited (and never 100% certain), so I can't rely on them 100%. Perhaps I shouldn't do that either. They are higher beings - we can't rely on them for little human problems we can share with our friends. But these problems are about myself... and I don't trust anyone else but the Gods to talk with about these, and cry my eyes out naturally, as I see no solution. I'm trying and can't even spot the source of the problem.
About the stress of time:
I become UNNATURALLY stressed with time. I have fixed my clock to go 17 minutes ahead so that I will never be late at appointments. I have GREATLY limited the meditations I do (it's really just 3 things - they take around 1,30 hours in total tops) and they still stress me out. I work for only 6 hours a day, in a job that is a 10 minutes walk from my home, I have almost the entire day ahead of me (I manage all my responsibilities in a very short amount of time) and still get incredibly stressed about it.
Two days ago I had an appointment with a friend who lives on the apartment directly below mine. I told them, at 18.00 I will come downstairs, and we will leave. The time was 17.50 and I had just gotten out of the shower and was dressing up. I only had to brush my teeth and that was it. AND YET I had gotten INCREDIBLY stressed, thinking that I would be late.
What would happen if I were late?
Absolutely nothing... My friend wouldn't even comment on it (and if I were late, it'd be 5-10 minutes tops).
I get stressed on my days off work, when I have these 1.30 hours of meditations and NOTHING ELSE TO DO THE ENTIRE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!
If I go for a coffee (on my days off work), I keep on looking at my clock, thinking I should leave, thinking that I'm wasting my time sitting for a coffee and relaxing for a bit. I can't... relax.
And, what do I do when I come back home? Nothing really... I will do the meditations, but that's it. I may watch videos, watch a series, read a book, listen to a podcast... But these things ARE NOT things that "must be done" as to cause me stress if I'm not home in time!!!
Even if I do my meditations before going for coffee - I still become stressed, and eagerly wanting to get back home.
I can't understand... what's the problem.
I can't understand what's MY problem. I told my sibling about this... I had told them many times before, and they would just advice me on trying to do this, trying to think of it like that etc. Today though, they told me that I should probably go to a psychiatrist (not to take pills, but for a professional to advice me better than they can) and I just felt... well, I hated hearing that.
I hate asking for help from others (though I've asked help from the Gods so many times... I've asked for their guidance mostly, but also for help). I hate the idea of talking to a therapist/psychiatrist. I hate the fact that my sibling suggested me that (though I UNDERSTAND why they did! Because I have this stress of time for so many years, and I still haven't been able to cope with it - and lately it has been torturing me).
I also thought that "hey, maybe our parents were right for thinking I was always a "problem child" (because I preferred solitude, because I was always angry etc etc... most things I found out their origins because of past lives)...
I don't know how to deal with this.. I don't know how to deal with myself.
I also can't be making a new post in the forums each time I freak out, or my problems become bigger than myself (at least, mentally they look bigger than myself). Many times I don't trust these forums as well (I'm thinking there are many outsiders (I mean of the enemy) reading this, and I don't want them to know about the things I'm going through, so I'd rather keep them to myself).
I don't trust any person.
I'm just stuck in a loophole, again and again, and fucking again and again....
I've done munka for so many things... I thought I was freed from so many things that keep popping up in my life, that I no longer know... if there's any solution. If I'm just a problematic person. If my parents were right. If I will ever "succeed" in anything in my life.
HP HoodedCobra's latest post made me cry "...As a final note, all Spiritual Satanists, despite of how events may turn [life can be chaotic], are all invited here for a very specific reason. One of this, is because the Gods want to give to the souls that have been with them in the past, the knowledge to live and rise again. " but... there are just so many wrongs with myself, and it's been a decade since I started meditating, and some things have gotten so so so much more worse, that, in the end, I don't know if there's ever a... an escape? A solution? A 'rising again'?
I have been blaming myself for my problems. That's normal, isn't it? But I'm always thinking that "perhaps I am in denial of some X issue that I don't want to accept or admit"... and I never know what that is. I just feel guilty, each fucking time I have a problem. I feel guilty that I already know the answer, but don't want to admit it. BUT I DON'T KNOW THE FUCKING ANSWER!!!!
But I feel bad, and I don't want to ask people's help. I feel needy. I should know what the problem is. How can you not know yourself? And I've done so much munka... so many meditations for self-awareness, for getting rid of negative thoughtforms, of GUILT, of misery, of "anything that's been an obstacle in my spiritual, mental, physical advancement" and so much cleansing that... I don't know anymore. I'm fed up.
I want to do more meditations, but the stress of time has been literally driving me nuts - so I can't begin anything new. Not even a 5-minute SaTaNaMa meditation session... I don't see any point in doing void meditation, as I had been doing it in the past, and there wasn't a change in my life - other than being completely relaxed in those 5 or 10 minutes I was doing the void meditation.
Doing the entire day void would be impossible - I would just sleep all day (I can't not think of anything all day long - too many things pestering me and I keep on trying to find a solution).
At some point I even tried to do ISA to calm me down... but I stopped shortly (after a few days) as I saw no change (and felt like I was doing more bad than good), and I felt like this wasn't the problem. I don't know what's the problem. Time just stresses me out (even if I have nothing to do all day long).
As of late I've been going through a very hard period in my life. It is not hard because of outer circumstances but because of my inner self, my thoughts, desires, my non-existent dreams, and myself, in general...
I keep thinking and thinking - ending up nowhere.
The moment I think that I found a solution to a problem, I realize that this problem was not what it looked like to be, so I keep on thinking and thinking, again... to no end. It never ends.
I have also come to question my inner advancement through meditation - though there is no doubt of the many great changes that have happened within me - there are still so many serious issues that have been pestering my life and I have reached a point where I don't see any meditation that could help me sort things out.
I feel trapped.
I can't trust... anyone. Even my sibling whom I love dearly and whom I KNOW that does NOT judge me, nor will they tell anyone what I tell them. I know this, yet I still don't trust them.
I strongly believe that when I tell them about something that has been bothering me, after that point, whatever I tell them they will keep thinking/linking whatever's been bothering me with my opinions. Basically, I will feel like they're being constantly judgemental towards me. I feel like they do NOT truly know me - but after I tell them about something personal, then they will "link" this thing to my personality, thinking they've figured me out.
I can't know if they do that. I don't have any proof. On the contrary, that person is a Pisces and very fluid. They have NEVER been judgemental towards me - so those thoughts don't really make sense.
I feel like I can only trust the Gods - because, no matter what I tell them, no matter the new problems that have appeared in my life, or the new things I've discovered about myself, THEY ALWAYS KNEW WHO I AM, THEY COULD ALWAYS SEE WITHIN MY HEART, so these new discoveries of mine will not change their perspective towards me.
But... this is a very problematic way of thinking. It's problematic because I can't see or hear the Gods (I can hear them sometimes, but still) the communication is very limited (and never 100% certain), so I can't rely on them 100%. Perhaps I shouldn't do that either. They are higher beings - we can't rely on them for little human problems we can share with our friends. But these problems are about myself... and I don't trust anyone else but the Gods to talk with about these, and cry my eyes out naturally, as I see no solution. I'm trying and can't even spot the source of the problem.
About the stress of time:
I become UNNATURALLY stressed with time. I have fixed my clock to go 17 minutes ahead so that I will never be late at appointments. I have GREATLY limited the meditations I do (it's really just 3 things - they take around 1,30 hours in total tops) and they still stress me out. I work for only 6 hours a day, in a job that is a 10 minutes walk from my home, I have almost the entire day ahead of me (I manage all my responsibilities in a very short amount of time) and still get incredibly stressed about it.
Two days ago I had an appointment with a friend who lives on the apartment directly below mine. I told them, at 18.00 I will come downstairs, and we will leave. The time was 17.50 and I had just gotten out of the shower and was dressing up. I only had to brush my teeth and that was it. AND YET I had gotten INCREDIBLY stressed, thinking that I would be late.
What would happen if I were late?
Absolutely nothing... My friend wouldn't even comment on it (and if I were late, it'd be 5-10 minutes tops).
I get stressed on my days off work, when I have these 1.30 hours of meditations and NOTHING ELSE TO DO THE ENTIRE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!
If I go for a coffee (on my days off work), I keep on looking at my clock, thinking I should leave, thinking that I'm wasting my time sitting for a coffee and relaxing for a bit. I can't... relax.
And, what do I do when I come back home? Nothing really... I will do the meditations, but that's it. I may watch videos, watch a series, read a book, listen to a podcast... But these things ARE NOT things that "must be done" as to cause me stress if I'm not home in time!!!
Even if I do my meditations before going for coffee - I still become stressed, and eagerly wanting to get back home.
I can't understand... what's the problem.
I can't understand what's MY problem. I told my sibling about this... I had told them many times before, and they would just advice me on trying to do this, trying to think of it like that etc. Today though, they told me that I should probably go to a psychiatrist (not to take pills, but for a professional to advice me better than they can) and I just felt... well, I hated hearing that.
I hate asking for help from others (though I've asked help from the Gods so many times... I've asked for their guidance mostly, but also for help). I hate the idea of talking to a therapist/psychiatrist. I hate the fact that my sibling suggested me that (though I UNDERSTAND why they did! Because I have this stress of time for so many years, and I still haven't been able to cope with it - and lately it has been torturing me).
I also thought that "hey, maybe our parents were right for thinking I was always a "problem child" (because I preferred solitude, because I was always angry etc etc... most things I found out their origins because of past lives)...
I don't know how to deal with this.. I don't know how to deal with myself.
I also can't be making a new post in the forums each time I freak out, or my problems become bigger than myself (at least, mentally they look bigger than myself). Many times I don't trust these forums as well (I'm thinking there are many outsiders (I mean of the enemy) reading this, and I don't want them to know about the things I'm going through, so I'd rather keep them to myself).
I don't trust any person.
I'm just stuck in a loophole, again and again, and fucking again and again....
I've done munka for so many things... I thought I was freed from so many things that keep popping up in my life, that I no longer know... if there's any solution. If I'm just a problematic person. If my parents were right. If I will ever "succeed" in anything in my life.
HP HoodedCobra's latest post made me cry "...As a final note, all Spiritual Satanists, despite of how events may turn [life can be chaotic], are all invited here for a very specific reason. One of this, is because the Gods want to give to the souls that have been with them in the past, the knowledge to live and rise again. " but... there are just so many wrongs with myself, and it's been a decade since I started meditating, and some things have gotten so so so much more worse, that, in the end, I don't know if there's ever a... an escape? A solution? A 'rising again'?
I have been blaming myself for my problems. That's normal, isn't it? But I'm always thinking that "perhaps I am in denial of some X issue that I don't want to accept or admit"... and I never know what that is. I just feel guilty, each fucking time I have a problem. I feel guilty that I already know the answer, but don't want to admit it. BUT I DON'T KNOW THE FUCKING ANSWER!!!!
But I feel bad, and I don't want to ask people's help. I feel needy. I should know what the problem is. How can you not know yourself? And I've done so much munka... so many meditations for self-awareness, for getting rid of negative thoughtforms, of GUILT, of misery, of "anything that's been an obstacle in my spiritual, mental, physical advancement" and so much cleansing that... I don't know anymore. I'm fed up.
I want to do more meditations, but the stress of time has been literally driving me nuts - so I can't begin anything new. Not even a 5-minute SaTaNaMa meditation session... I don't see any point in doing void meditation, as I had been doing it in the past, and there wasn't a change in my life - other than being completely relaxed in those 5 or 10 minutes I was doing the void meditation.
Doing the entire day void would be impossible - I would just sleep all day (I can't not think of anything all day long - too many things pestering me and I keep on trying to find a solution).
At some point I even tried to do ISA to calm me down... but I stopped shortly (after a few days) as I saw no change (and felt like I was doing more bad than good), and I felt like this wasn't the problem. I don't know what's the problem. Time just stresses me out (even if I have nothing to do all day long).
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