Yagami Light
Active member
I've been meditating for more than 7 years now. I had been doing yoga for a long time and other various meditations. I stopped doing most of these due to time restraints. Nowadays I follow all the RTR Schedules, do protection and Raum. I also started the Sun square for healing (for a physical problem).
For the last two years I have been wanting to die but I don't commit suicide because I don't want to hurt my family.
I know that solar plexus rules our will, self-confidence etc. However, I've done so many meditations and I don't think empowering my solar plexus chakra will solve the problem. I've done yoga etc (5 Tibetans, hatha, kundalini etc)... I've done munka with the proper affirmations... I've done meditations to raise my energies and used affirmations to attract situations and people that make me happy and satisfied... Nothing has worked even though I did it with the utmost emotion. I just don't want to live. I don't want to try for anything to survive.
I still do the rituals though, because I love Satan and the Gods, and I do wish to make Satan's children realize the truth about him and about the enemy.
But my life is purposeless.
I don't have many friends (just one) and that's because I don't have common things with others. I prefer to be alone anyway. I am now searching for another job with the intention of moving to another country with that friend. But many times I wonder why I do that. Why search for another job? Why earn money? Why move? For "better living conditions?" To "earn money easier" in another country? What for? I don't care.
I used to dream of having enough money to buy two houses, then rent them, then I wouldn't have to work. But even under those conditions I wouldn't be happy. It would all be the same.
No one knows how I feel. I don't know what to do. I just feel empty.
I'm also very embarrassed that I admit these emotions here. I'm embarrassed of how I feel.
For the last two years I have been wanting to die but I don't commit suicide because I don't want to hurt my family.
I know that solar plexus rules our will, self-confidence etc. However, I've done so many meditations and I don't think empowering my solar plexus chakra will solve the problem. I've done yoga etc (5 Tibetans, hatha, kundalini etc)... I've done munka with the proper affirmations... I've done meditations to raise my energies and used affirmations to attract situations and people that make me happy and satisfied... Nothing has worked even though I did it with the utmost emotion. I just don't want to live. I don't want to try for anything to survive.
I still do the rituals though, because I love Satan and the Gods, and I do wish to make Satan's children realize the truth about him and about the enemy.
But my life is purposeless.
I don't have many friends (just one) and that's because I don't have common things with others. I prefer to be alone anyway. I am now searching for another job with the intention of moving to another country with that friend. But many times I wonder why I do that. Why search for another job? Why earn money? Why move? For "better living conditions?" To "earn money easier" in another country? What for? I don't care.
I used to dream of having enough money to buy two houses, then rent them, then I wouldn't have to work. But even under those conditions I wouldn't be happy. It would all be the same.
No one knows how I feel. I don't know what to do. I just feel empty.
I'm also very embarrassed that I admit these emotions here. I'm embarrassed of how I feel.