Lionheart72
New member
- Joined
- Aug 10, 2020
- Messages
- 25
Hi Brothers n Sisters, how is it going?
It is hard for me to write this post, so as I'm doing this I'm looking at Lord Satan's sigil for inspiration.
I dont even know where to start.
All i know is that i need your advices and help, please.
I hate my life and i'm suffering a lot.
It all started with my father's death. He died when i was little and i never met him.
I'm not old nor young, i say this to give you an idea of how long i have been suffering.
His death was the lesser bad thing that happened, because unfortunatly there is a lot more to come.
My mother used to hurt me and beat me up when I was little and on top of that physical pain, I also was victim of her psycological violence on me.
This gave me some huge traumas.
Slowly but surely that bitch of my mother filled my brain with fear, anxiety and stress.
My sister also hated me.
So, i had no father and pure hatred from my mother and sister.
I grew up thinking that I was the problem, that I was the wrong one, but now I understand it was the other way round.
By the age of 10 i started to "feel" the effects of this criminal family environment in which I was growing up, or probably I should say "dying".
I started to become scared of hurting myself, I had a very big fear of hurting my eyes, so whenever I saw something sharp, liked nails, glass, splinters of anything, I started to feel fear and panic.
My life was only pain, stress, fears, anxiety.
The hatred and violence my mother and sister threw at me was very bad and on top of that I had no love nor kisses nor hugs from anybody.
I also have a problem to my back which occured during this time, but my mother refused to take me to a doctor.
I lived the school time with extremely sorrow, my life was horrible.
I started to wish for death and I was only 15. The idea of committing suicide was being born in my brain.
I managed to complete school and i dont even know how i managed to do that.
I attended university but the traumas , from all the pain and stress i had when i was little, became a bad reality.
Traumas were so strong , i even was not able to understand that my life was bad, i just thought that life in general was pain and suffering, but i was wrong, MY LIFE (and not life in general) was pain and suffering.
So I was 20 ish, and really thought it was the right moment to commit suicide because i was FED UP of suffering, crying and feeling pain.
One month later I met a girl and probably this was the only nice time of my life.
She was in my country for a university exchange, and after a little time she had to go back to her country.
I was not looking for a friend to talk online, so for the first fucking time in my fucking life I stood up to my belief and focused to be brave and told her that I liked her and was feeling something towards her.
Few days later, we went to her country as she liked me too.
This was a dream for me, i was so happy, i can still feel happiness in my body as i'm writing this.
But it was too good to be true because my traumas and horrible childhood were going to be a major problem.
Months later, we were talking about wedding and having children, so it was a big thing.
During our relationship (we lived together) I had many internal breakdowns due to my trauma, but the main problem was I was embarassed to tell her my problems.
Long story short, she left me four and a half years ago, and I KNOW our relationship has been polluted by my mental traumas. I care to say that also, she was too aggressive sometimes, she had a short temper and was angry for no reasons, despite this , I still feel part of the responsability. Our relationship lasted four years and a half.
Of course I felt sad, depressed and i know i did not enjoy our relationship like i wanted to, because of the mental traumas my mother gave me with phisycal pain and psycological violence.
The only nice time of my life finished and now I miss her so much because I loved her a lot.
I cry so much, I scream so much that sometimes I cannot breathe. My face becomes red and I feel very warm.
Love to me is the only thing that matters, and knowing that I have probably lost the woman and the love of my life, makes EVERYTHING ELSE useless and meaningless.
I lived the last four and a half years of my life with the idea of committing suicide.
I started to research on the internet about death and what happens afterwards.
Maybe you are thinking how come I am still here although almost five years passed by.
Because I was trying to understand if I was the one to blame, if it was my fault regarding to the fact that we broke up.
Also i wanted to explore to see if there was something else that was interesting me in life.
But, the main reason I lasted five years is: i always told myself "(my name) no one is taking suicide away from you, you can always committ suicide tomorrow, you can decide to suicide whenever you want."
This thought has been in my brain for the last five years ish.
My story of suffering is not over and now I tell you what else happened to me.
From the end of 2016 to 2019, I have done everything possible to exclude that human shit of my mother away from my life and my house (i live alone). I also told the bitch that i hold her responsible for the sorrow and shitty life i have, also that she ruined and destroyed my life in every way possible and also told her it is her fault i broke up with my ex because the mental traumas are something that i have because she was a criminal mother, instead of a loving one.
She never apologized and this pisses me off big time because she also said she knows she did bad things to me.
Now i better relax and look at Father satan's sigil again to avoid that i buy a ak47 at the nearest black market and show her what fear really is.
No, she deserves to suffer ten times greater than what i am suffering, a gun shot would be a too pleasant death.
Let me go back to the story.
I started to tell all of her friends what she did to me and that she does not give a fuck about her being guilty. I did this because I wanted people to know that she is a criminal.
I also talked to a lawyer to see if something can be done to her. I have some proofs against her and some phone recordings too.
Now, I have always been a honest guy. Straightforward and I believe in freedom of speech, so because of all this situation of extreme sorrow that i feel, i said to some people that i was considering the idea of committing suicide because I miss my ex so much and that Love was the only thing that mattered to me.
I DID NOT KNOW THAT IN ITALY THERE IS DICTATORSHIP AND THAT A CITIZEN (me) DOES NOT HAVE THE MOTHERFUCKING RIGHT TO SAY WHAT HE WANTS AND HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO WHAT THE HECK HE WANTS, REGARDING TO LIVING OR CHOOSING TO COMMITT SUICIDE.
I want to say that I dont have any criminal records.
Now i tell you what happened.
In 2019, one day I was home, minding my own business i was cooking something, then all of a sudden I hear that many people were knocking at my front door, so i look thru the glass hole and i see 10 people and i did not know any of them.
I asked who they were and what they wanted.
The sons of a bitch did not tell me their names and were mocking me and they said I HAD TO open the door.
I refused because in italy ( or should i say north korea), IF THERE IS NO subpoena, warrant, official documents signed by a judge, you have your right to keep your front door shut.
I want to say that nothing at all was given to me.
They kept saying that i should have gone with them, so of course i did not open my door, because it is my right to do so.
I called the police and told them what was happening, and they said they would have come to me.
( i live in a tall building )
All of a sudden i hear a big noise, similar to an explosion, coming from the living room.
I went to take a look and basically what happened is that the people who were opposite my front door ( which then i found out were psychiatrists from a mental Hospital) called the firefighters and told them to grab the fire escalator ( the one you see in movies).
Firefighters reached my balcony in my tall building, smashed the glass of my door windows and went inside my living room.
Please remember that I'm afraid of sharp things and having splinters of glass all over my living room is a horrible and painful thing for me. Splinters of glass on my sofa, television, computer and on all the rest of my belongings, then I was forced to open my front door.
The psychiatrists talked to me for few minutes and said I was forced to go to a mental hospital.
At that exact moment I understood that this whole thing was done by my mother to hurt me, probably because she was angry that I told her friends that she's a fucking evil and cruel beast.
Also, when I was at the crazy house I read some documents in which was written that my mother talked to "our family public"'doctor, and this idiot believed every lies and sent the psychiatrists to my house.
Now, you tell me if this is or if this is not a criminal action done by italian government.
Me, at my age (by now you should have guessed how old i am ish), no criminal records, living in my own property, was attacked and treated like some sort of mafia man/crazy person *ONLY BECAUSE* a doctor believed the lies that my mother said to him about me (which she did because she has always hated me and her main goal has always been to destroy my life).
No idea on what she said because there is no record on the documents.
Even if she said something about suicide, this does not justify anything because I'm free to live or die.
Italy is a fucking shithole where the reality is that there is no freedom whatsoever.
At this hospital I was forced to take psychiatric drugs, and given that of what was happening, I played along and took the drugs without complaining.
The law says that a person must stay at this hospital for seven days, but they *FORCED* me to stay for 24 days.
24 fucking days.
The reason?
They WANTED and INSISTED on me having a relationship with my mother.
This is ABSURD, so am I not free to decide if I want to exclude that cocksucker of my mother from MY LIFE?
Where the fuck are my human rights? She has already destroyed my life and I'm not free to exclude her from my life?
I also was heavily drugged for no reasons, there are 3-4 days spent there that are not in my memory. This is violation of human rights, also because I agreed to take the drugs willingly (because i knew i could not refuse).
I am really struggling to write this post, because i am very pissed off and because I know I was subjected to an injustice and a criminal act.
I managed to leave that crazy house because I was wise enough to contact a lawyer.
The psychiatrists also wanted to inject drugs in my veins every week and I also managed to avoid this by going to a private psychiatrist, paying him to say that he was the only one to be able to give me drugs. I saw him twice and then i never went again.
In june 2019 i was able to go back home, few weeks later I searched on the internet and found an expert lawyer of this matters and he said to gather all the documents regarding my deportation and to go to a different private psychiatrist to have a evaluation of my brain. If we find out I'm mentally healthy (like I AM) then the lawyer can sue the fuck out of the health system and sue whoever is responsible for that.
Of course he wants money and the price for the lawyer will be around 1000 euros. I dont have a job, so I have to figure the whole situation out.
I want justice and revenge.
At the time I was still atheist, although the cocksucking bitch is a xstian and when i was little she forced me to go to church.
This whole deportation to the crazy house thing left a huge scar in my soul and now the thoughts of wanting to commit suicide are much greater than before.
Few months ago I found the JoS website, one month and a half ago ish I dedicated my Soul to Father Satan.
If i still was atheist i would have probably already commited suicide.
Father Satan is the only reason I have not commited suicide yet, I dont know why but after all the things and the truth that I have learned from the High Priests I think I might do the wrong choise.
Now I will tell you what are my problems, starting from the one that makes me suffer the most:
1) Glass splinters
Remember that i have a huge fear, i'm afraid of injuring my body, especially my eyes. I have already thrown away some of the glass splinters, but I'm always terrified that I have missed some. This is turning into a big obsessive fear, because sometimes when I feel weird things in my eyes, for example, eyelashes or other biological stuff of my body, I instantly think it may be a tiny glass splinter and I'm very scared.
At the same time I am fed up of "analyzing" every sparkling thing I happen to see.
All of this mix of emotions takes me to a big dilemma; a part of me wants to make sure that i check everything that i feel inside and outside my eyes, body and sparkling things i see on the floor or fornitures, whereas the other part of me is so fed up with all this "checking" and wants to avoid all of this mental stress.
It happens that I feel things inside my eyes right before I want to sleep and many times i'm "forced" to sleep because i'm so tired that i dont even know if i want to check my eyes for glass splinters...so i lay my head on my pillow, close my eyes but i'm so scared that when i will wake up i will have an injure in my eyes, i literally can feel my heart beat speeding up so much.
Also all of this makes me angry because I know it is not my fault but it is my mother and her doctor's fault for telling lies to the psychiatrists.
If I had a loving mom none of this would have happened, my door windows would have not be broken and there would not be any glass splinters in my own apartment.
*IT PISSES ME OFF BIG TIME THAT I HAVE TO SUFFER BECAUSE OF THIS INJUSTICE THAT THEY DID TO ME*
2) I'm fed up of suffering and doing things that i dont want to do
Guys, by now you understand that i've been suffering my whole life, many many years of stress, fear, anxiety, sadness, pain and sorrow. At the same time I have been forced to do things that i didnt want to do.
I dont want none of this anymore.
I'm a proud man and all of this horrible life i have, humiliates me a lot and i prefer to commit suicide instead of living this horrible life.
This also means that i dont want to talk to my lawyer, i dont want to have an evaluation from a private psychiatrist, i dont want to do things that (maybe in a "happy" life, i would do) i dont want to do.
If right now, someone would tell me to move my finger one centimeter away, i would not do it. How easy is it to move my finger one centimeter away? Easy, but the point is that i dont want to do it because all my life i have done things that i didnt want to do and now i'm so fed up that i dont even want to do the "easy" things.
I also know that if i dont do certain things i might risk and have some situations that i dont want, but i dont want to do things that i dont want to do , anymore.
3) Meditations and anything related to keeping my eyes closed
I struggle, therefore I cannot meditate.
You read above that I struggle at sleeping, because of this situation regarding the glass splinters; a very similar situation applies to meditating and doing anything that involves closing my eyes.
For example, when I meditate it happens that I feel that something is inside my eyes, then I try to ignore this but I know that I'm forcing myself, because a part of me wants to meditate and think about nothing else but the other part of me perceives that I feel very scared.
All of this really stresses me and I'm worried that if I stress too much I will forget the events of the past, I'm worried that the stress may affect my memory.
Why am I talking about this and why am I worried that I might forget the events of the past? Because, like I wrote above, I dont want to do things that I dont want to do, therefore if I forget what i did in the past it means that i have to do it again, because a possible loss of memory would make me doubt about what i did in the past and it would mean that I would have to do those things again, and like i wrote above, i dont want to do things that i dont want to do, anymore.
I avoid doing anything that involves closing my eyes.
I spend more time at studying our websites and forums, and regarding Rtr i do it with my eyes open for the whole ritual.
4)my ex fiancee
I miss her so much. I think that there is a 90% chance that i lost the woman of my life and the love of my life, and i cannot forgive myself for this.
Everything feels useless and i dream about her very often.
I wake up and she is not here.
Lord Satan is the only reason i am delaying my suicide.
5) many more things make me suffer but i want to publish this topic now because i dont want to wait anymore, i want everyone to know the story of my life and i need your help please.
Before posting this I want to say few things about suicide.
I read information that Hps Maxine And Hp H Cobra wrote about suicide.
I know that committing suicide should be the choise only if i am a prisoner of my enemy or if i am paralyzed and my body doesnt work anymore.
Regarding other cases, a person should not commit suicide.
If I commit suicide, my soul will probably be taken to Hell and I will be with Lord Satan, given that I'm a Spiritual Satanist.
The worst case scenario is that i will end up in the astral plane , but like i said i have dedicated my soul to Lord Satan and althought i did very little meditation and rtr, i'm still a soul of His, so i think I might be taken to Hell.
I dont know what a soul does, while being in Hell.
I read that souls do not sleep nor eat nor cannot enjoy human pleasures.
I also read that when a soul is reincarnated it takes the problems (how?!) of its previous life with it.
This means that I am suffering now and I will have to suffer again in the next life, probably.
If this is the case, No thank you very much.
So why am I still talking about wanting to commit suicide?
Because I dont want to reincarnate. I want to stay in Hell forever, I want to stay with Lord Satan and the Demons.
If I commit suicide I dont want to come back to planet earth ever again. People are evil, cruel and sadistic. I know the greys and jews are responsible for this, i know that probably a very long time ago, Earth was a beautiful planet with loving people, but at same time I'm alive right now and I have been suffering my whole life.
There are two choises:
- I enjoy my life, I do only the things that I want to do, I meditate, I do rtrs, I take part in the JoS forums, I find a Satanist wife and have children who will be educated by Satan's Truth
(this has 5% chance of happening)
Please tell me how I should do all of this in a detailed way, because right now I'm suffering a lot.
Other choise
- I commit suicide and I will not reincarnate my soul in a different body ever again.
If Lord Satan asks me to reincarnate I will have a huge dilemma because I Love Him but at the same time we have to understand that I am suffering a lot and that I have been suffering my whole life, this is torture.
(this has 95% chance of happening)
These are the two possible choises, by doing one of the two I will stop suffering and I will finally be happy and peaceful. I only deserve and want Love, Hugs and Kisses.
I thank you all for reading the story of my life and my dilemma, thank you very much from the bottom of my heart. Please help me.
Lord Satan and Joy OF Satan organization are the only ones who are doing something to improve our lives.
It is hard for me to write this post, so as I'm doing this I'm looking at Lord Satan's sigil for inspiration.
I dont even know where to start.
All i know is that i need your advices and help, please.
I hate my life and i'm suffering a lot.
It all started with my father's death. He died when i was little and i never met him.
I'm not old nor young, i say this to give you an idea of how long i have been suffering.
His death was the lesser bad thing that happened, because unfortunatly there is a lot more to come.
My mother used to hurt me and beat me up when I was little and on top of that physical pain, I also was victim of her psycological violence on me.
This gave me some huge traumas.
Slowly but surely that bitch of my mother filled my brain with fear, anxiety and stress.
My sister also hated me.
So, i had no father and pure hatred from my mother and sister.
I grew up thinking that I was the problem, that I was the wrong one, but now I understand it was the other way round.
By the age of 10 i started to "feel" the effects of this criminal family environment in which I was growing up, or probably I should say "dying".
I started to become scared of hurting myself, I had a very big fear of hurting my eyes, so whenever I saw something sharp, liked nails, glass, splinters of anything, I started to feel fear and panic.
My life was only pain, stress, fears, anxiety.
The hatred and violence my mother and sister threw at me was very bad and on top of that I had no love nor kisses nor hugs from anybody.
I also have a problem to my back which occured during this time, but my mother refused to take me to a doctor.
I lived the school time with extremely sorrow, my life was horrible.
I started to wish for death and I was only 15. The idea of committing suicide was being born in my brain.
I managed to complete school and i dont even know how i managed to do that.
I attended university but the traumas , from all the pain and stress i had when i was little, became a bad reality.
Traumas were so strong , i even was not able to understand that my life was bad, i just thought that life in general was pain and suffering, but i was wrong, MY LIFE (and not life in general) was pain and suffering.
So I was 20 ish, and really thought it was the right moment to commit suicide because i was FED UP of suffering, crying and feeling pain.
One month later I met a girl and probably this was the only nice time of my life.
She was in my country for a university exchange, and after a little time she had to go back to her country.
I was not looking for a friend to talk online, so for the first fucking time in my fucking life I stood up to my belief and focused to be brave and told her that I liked her and was feeling something towards her.
Few days later, we went to her country as she liked me too.
This was a dream for me, i was so happy, i can still feel happiness in my body as i'm writing this.
But it was too good to be true because my traumas and horrible childhood were going to be a major problem.
Months later, we were talking about wedding and having children, so it was a big thing.
During our relationship (we lived together) I had many internal breakdowns due to my trauma, but the main problem was I was embarassed to tell her my problems.
Long story short, she left me four and a half years ago, and I KNOW our relationship has been polluted by my mental traumas. I care to say that also, she was too aggressive sometimes, she had a short temper and was angry for no reasons, despite this , I still feel part of the responsability. Our relationship lasted four years and a half.
Of course I felt sad, depressed and i know i did not enjoy our relationship like i wanted to, because of the mental traumas my mother gave me with phisycal pain and psycological violence.
The only nice time of my life finished and now I miss her so much because I loved her a lot.
I cry so much, I scream so much that sometimes I cannot breathe. My face becomes red and I feel very warm.
Love to me is the only thing that matters, and knowing that I have probably lost the woman and the love of my life, makes EVERYTHING ELSE useless and meaningless.
I lived the last four and a half years of my life with the idea of committing suicide.
I started to research on the internet about death and what happens afterwards.
Maybe you are thinking how come I am still here although almost five years passed by.
Because I was trying to understand if I was the one to blame, if it was my fault regarding to the fact that we broke up.
Also i wanted to explore to see if there was something else that was interesting me in life.
But, the main reason I lasted five years is: i always told myself "(my name) no one is taking suicide away from you, you can always committ suicide tomorrow, you can decide to suicide whenever you want."
This thought has been in my brain for the last five years ish.
My story of suffering is not over and now I tell you what else happened to me.
From the end of 2016 to 2019, I have done everything possible to exclude that human shit of my mother away from my life and my house (i live alone). I also told the bitch that i hold her responsible for the sorrow and shitty life i have, also that she ruined and destroyed my life in every way possible and also told her it is her fault i broke up with my ex because the mental traumas are something that i have because she was a criminal mother, instead of a loving one.
She never apologized and this pisses me off big time because she also said she knows she did bad things to me.
Now i better relax and look at Father satan's sigil again to avoid that i buy a ak47 at the nearest black market and show her what fear really is.
No, she deserves to suffer ten times greater than what i am suffering, a gun shot would be a too pleasant death.
Let me go back to the story.
I started to tell all of her friends what she did to me and that she does not give a fuck about her being guilty. I did this because I wanted people to know that she is a criminal.
I also talked to a lawyer to see if something can be done to her. I have some proofs against her and some phone recordings too.
Now, I have always been a honest guy. Straightforward and I believe in freedom of speech, so because of all this situation of extreme sorrow that i feel, i said to some people that i was considering the idea of committing suicide because I miss my ex so much and that Love was the only thing that mattered to me.
I DID NOT KNOW THAT IN ITALY THERE IS DICTATORSHIP AND THAT A CITIZEN (me) DOES NOT HAVE THE MOTHERFUCKING RIGHT TO SAY WHAT HE WANTS AND HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO WHAT THE HECK HE WANTS, REGARDING TO LIVING OR CHOOSING TO COMMITT SUICIDE.
I want to say that I dont have any criminal records.
Now i tell you what happened.
In 2019, one day I was home, minding my own business i was cooking something, then all of a sudden I hear that many people were knocking at my front door, so i look thru the glass hole and i see 10 people and i did not know any of them.
I asked who they were and what they wanted.
The sons of a bitch did not tell me their names and were mocking me and they said I HAD TO open the door.
I refused because in italy ( or should i say north korea), IF THERE IS NO subpoena, warrant, official documents signed by a judge, you have your right to keep your front door shut.
I want to say that nothing at all was given to me.
They kept saying that i should have gone with them, so of course i did not open my door, because it is my right to do so.
I called the police and told them what was happening, and they said they would have come to me.
( i live in a tall building )
All of a sudden i hear a big noise, similar to an explosion, coming from the living room.
I went to take a look and basically what happened is that the people who were opposite my front door ( which then i found out were psychiatrists from a mental Hospital) called the firefighters and told them to grab the fire escalator ( the one you see in movies).
Firefighters reached my balcony in my tall building, smashed the glass of my door windows and went inside my living room.
Please remember that I'm afraid of sharp things and having splinters of glass all over my living room is a horrible and painful thing for me. Splinters of glass on my sofa, television, computer and on all the rest of my belongings, then I was forced to open my front door.
The psychiatrists talked to me for few minutes and said I was forced to go to a mental hospital.
At that exact moment I understood that this whole thing was done by my mother to hurt me, probably because she was angry that I told her friends that she's a fucking evil and cruel beast.
Also, when I was at the crazy house I read some documents in which was written that my mother talked to "our family public"'doctor, and this idiot believed every lies and sent the psychiatrists to my house.
Now, you tell me if this is or if this is not a criminal action done by italian government.
Me, at my age (by now you should have guessed how old i am ish), no criminal records, living in my own property, was attacked and treated like some sort of mafia man/crazy person *ONLY BECAUSE* a doctor believed the lies that my mother said to him about me (which she did because she has always hated me and her main goal has always been to destroy my life).
No idea on what she said because there is no record on the documents.
Even if she said something about suicide, this does not justify anything because I'm free to live or die.
Italy is a fucking shithole where the reality is that there is no freedom whatsoever.
At this hospital I was forced to take psychiatric drugs, and given that of what was happening, I played along and took the drugs without complaining.
The law says that a person must stay at this hospital for seven days, but they *FORCED* me to stay for 24 days.
24 fucking days.
The reason?
They WANTED and INSISTED on me having a relationship with my mother.
This is ABSURD, so am I not free to decide if I want to exclude that cocksucker of my mother from MY LIFE?
Where the fuck are my human rights? She has already destroyed my life and I'm not free to exclude her from my life?
I also was heavily drugged for no reasons, there are 3-4 days spent there that are not in my memory. This is violation of human rights, also because I agreed to take the drugs willingly (because i knew i could not refuse).
I am really struggling to write this post, because i am very pissed off and because I know I was subjected to an injustice and a criminal act.
I managed to leave that crazy house because I was wise enough to contact a lawyer.
The psychiatrists also wanted to inject drugs in my veins every week and I also managed to avoid this by going to a private psychiatrist, paying him to say that he was the only one to be able to give me drugs. I saw him twice and then i never went again.
In june 2019 i was able to go back home, few weeks later I searched on the internet and found an expert lawyer of this matters and he said to gather all the documents regarding my deportation and to go to a different private psychiatrist to have a evaluation of my brain. If we find out I'm mentally healthy (like I AM) then the lawyer can sue the fuck out of the health system and sue whoever is responsible for that.
Of course he wants money and the price for the lawyer will be around 1000 euros. I dont have a job, so I have to figure the whole situation out.
I want justice and revenge.
At the time I was still atheist, although the cocksucking bitch is a xstian and when i was little she forced me to go to church.
This whole deportation to the crazy house thing left a huge scar in my soul and now the thoughts of wanting to commit suicide are much greater than before.
Few months ago I found the JoS website, one month and a half ago ish I dedicated my Soul to Father Satan.
If i still was atheist i would have probably already commited suicide.
Father Satan is the only reason I have not commited suicide yet, I dont know why but after all the things and the truth that I have learned from the High Priests I think I might do the wrong choise.
Now I will tell you what are my problems, starting from the one that makes me suffer the most:
1) Glass splinters
Remember that i have a huge fear, i'm afraid of injuring my body, especially my eyes. I have already thrown away some of the glass splinters, but I'm always terrified that I have missed some. This is turning into a big obsessive fear, because sometimes when I feel weird things in my eyes, for example, eyelashes or other biological stuff of my body, I instantly think it may be a tiny glass splinter and I'm very scared.
At the same time I am fed up of "analyzing" every sparkling thing I happen to see.
All of this mix of emotions takes me to a big dilemma; a part of me wants to make sure that i check everything that i feel inside and outside my eyes, body and sparkling things i see on the floor or fornitures, whereas the other part of me is so fed up with all this "checking" and wants to avoid all of this mental stress.
It happens that I feel things inside my eyes right before I want to sleep and many times i'm "forced" to sleep because i'm so tired that i dont even know if i want to check my eyes for glass splinters...so i lay my head on my pillow, close my eyes but i'm so scared that when i will wake up i will have an injure in my eyes, i literally can feel my heart beat speeding up so much.
Also all of this makes me angry because I know it is not my fault but it is my mother and her doctor's fault for telling lies to the psychiatrists.
If I had a loving mom none of this would have happened, my door windows would have not be broken and there would not be any glass splinters in my own apartment.
*IT PISSES ME OFF BIG TIME THAT I HAVE TO SUFFER BECAUSE OF THIS INJUSTICE THAT THEY DID TO ME*
2) I'm fed up of suffering and doing things that i dont want to do
Guys, by now you understand that i've been suffering my whole life, many many years of stress, fear, anxiety, sadness, pain and sorrow. At the same time I have been forced to do things that i didnt want to do.
I dont want none of this anymore.
I'm a proud man and all of this horrible life i have, humiliates me a lot and i prefer to commit suicide instead of living this horrible life.
This also means that i dont want to talk to my lawyer, i dont want to have an evaluation from a private psychiatrist, i dont want to do things that (maybe in a "happy" life, i would do) i dont want to do.
If right now, someone would tell me to move my finger one centimeter away, i would not do it. How easy is it to move my finger one centimeter away? Easy, but the point is that i dont want to do it because all my life i have done things that i didnt want to do and now i'm so fed up that i dont even want to do the "easy" things.
I also know that if i dont do certain things i might risk and have some situations that i dont want, but i dont want to do things that i dont want to do , anymore.
3) Meditations and anything related to keeping my eyes closed
I struggle, therefore I cannot meditate.
You read above that I struggle at sleeping, because of this situation regarding the glass splinters; a very similar situation applies to meditating and doing anything that involves closing my eyes.
For example, when I meditate it happens that I feel that something is inside my eyes, then I try to ignore this but I know that I'm forcing myself, because a part of me wants to meditate and think about nothing else but the other part of me perceives that I feel very scared.
All of this really stresses me and I'm worried that if I stress too much I will forget the events of the past, I'm worried that the stress may affect my memory.
Why am I talking about this and why am I worried that I might forget the events of the past? Because, like I wrote above, I dont want to do things that I dont want to do, therefore if I forget what i did in the past it means that i have to do it again, because a possible loss of memory would make me doubt about what i did in the past and it would mean that I would have to do those things again, and like i wrote above, i dont want to do things that i dont want to do, anymore.
I avoid doing anything that involves closing my eyes.
I spend more time at studying our websites and forums, and regarding Rtr i do it with my eyes open for the whole ritual.
4)my ex fiancee
I miss her so much. I think that there is a 90% chance that i lost the woman of my life and the love of my life, and i cannot forgive myself for this.
Everything feels useless and i dream about her very often.
I wake up and she is not here.
Lord Satan is the only reason i am delaying my suicide.
5) many more things make me suffer but i want to publish this topic now because i dont want to wait anymore, i want everyone to know the story of my life and i need your help please.
Before posting this I want to say few things about suicide.
I read information that Hps Maxine And Hp H Cobra wrote about suicide.
I know that committing suicide should be the choise only if i am a prisoner of my enemy or if i am paralyzed and my body doesnt work anymore.
Regarding other cases, a person should not commit suicide.
If I commit suicide, my soul will probably be taken to Hell and I will be with Lord Satan, given that I'm a Spiritual Satanist.
The worst case scenario is that i will end up in the astral plane , but like i said i have dedicated my soul to Lord Satan and althought i did very little meditation and rtr, i'm still a soul of His, so i think I might be taken to Hell.
I dont know what a soul does, while being in Hell.
I read that souls do not sleep nor eat nor cannot enjoy human pleasures.
I also read that when a soul is reincarnated it takes the problems (how?!) of its previous life with it.
This means that I am suffering now and I will have to suffer again in the next life, probably.
If this is the case, No thank you very much.
So why am I still talking about wanting to commit suicide?
Because I dont want to reincarnate. I want to stay in Hell forever, I want to stay with Lord Satan and the Demons.
If I commit suicide I dont want to come back to planet earth ever again. People are evil, cruel and sadistic. I know the greys and jews are responsible for this, i know that probably a very long time ago, Earth was a beautiful planet with loving people, but at same time I'm alive right now and I have been suffering my whole life.
There are two choises:
- I enjoy my life, I do only the things that I want to do, I meditate, I do rtrs, I take part in the JoS forums, I find a Satanist wife and have children who will be educated by Satan's Truth
(this has 5% chance of happening)
Please tell me how I should do all of this in a detailed way, because right now I'm suffering a lot.
Other choise
- I commit suicide and I will not reincarnate my soul in a different body ever again.
If Lord Satan asks me to reincarnate I will have a huge dilemma because I Love Him but at the same time we have to understand that I am suffering a lot and that I have been suffering my whole life, this is torture.
(this has 95% chance of happening)
These are the two possible choises, by doing one of the two I will stop suffering and I will finally be happy and peaceful. I only deserve and want Love, Hugs and Kisses.
I thank you all for reading the story of my life and my dilemma, thank you very much from the bottom of my heart. Please help me.
Lord Satan and Joy OF Satan organization are the only ones who are doing something to improve our lives.
