1Br42pe7JLkW
New member
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2020
- Messages
- 5
Hello. I am making this post on the JOS forums, because I am looking for a JOS approved answer relating to these subjects, Gender & Sexuality -- I have long time been feeling mentally trapped by the pressure of conformity, and pleasing others. This is something I am working on and am aware of. I am doing a Tarot reading right now, and one of the cards just pointed to this. I am having repeating patterns in my drawings and I am really taking time to do a very in-depth reading now. I just spent a hour or two on one of the cards alone.
In any case, I remember when I was younger, I told my xian father that I felt like I liked other boys, he cried, and I was ashamed of myself, so I said I was just joking. I said this to him when I was about 8 years old or so -- before I ever even knew about sex or anything. It was of innocent truth. Hmm. Talk about Christian mind control. I have recently become aware of the full force of subconscious Christian programming, how much it stifles your individuality. So, I am moving in a new direction, being very openly minded. I am wondering if perhaps much of the pain that I have on a daily basis is because I rejected this part of myself. I have very much been accepting my instinct, intuition, and trying to come to terms with myself. Sometimes, I don't even know who I am on the inside, all the feelings are very much confusing for me.
I am aware of the fact that Satan is not judgemental, and he encourages individuality and self-expression. I very much love this about him, yes?
But, I am coming to you guys, mostly because I do not understand my feelings -- and mostly because there is so much information on the internet, you never know what has been corrupted by a layer of xian influence. I feel like, even stuff on the internet so called accepting homosexuality, is just a form tainted by a layer of xian influence. For example -- I know this is graphic, and I'm sorry -- I went on pornhub the other day, just to check out some gay porn and see how it made me feel. I was shocked. The first thing that came to my mind, is that I saw, these things were having a layer of xian influence. The bottom bitch being destroyed by the alpha top -- hmm -- it all seems so corrupted, society's view of homosexuality. It seems in a way, mainstream homosexuals embrace a xian tainted version of the real thing. A lot of it actually seems like actual perversion -- not true homosexuality, but rather just a twisted perversion that plays into the xian thinking.
In any case, I do not understand myself, and I'm looking to you guys for information, so I can get to know myself better. Most of the time, I feel like nothing. I spent many years isolated throughout childhood (lots of childhood trauma),, so I never think the societal form of "masculinity" got driven into me, so to speak, it never developed. I have to say, on a daily basis, I don't really feel like anything -- it's just like a blank, mutable state. I don't understand that at all, you know? I am sure that society would call it "nonbinary" or perhaps "gender fluid" but I am looking for your guys opinion. My usual default state doesn't really feel like anything, but at least sexually, I can go into pretty much any role?
I would say in general, I just don't feel like anything. I think something that I have to work on is perhaps embracing the fluidity and seeing where it takes me. Perhaps, it's okay to feel like nothing. My biggest concern is, I have been trying to compare myself to others in an attempt to understand myself. Because really, I don't understand myself, or the way I feel sometimes. Right now, it just feels like nothing lol. I think part of me has been really distressed by this as well, and has tried to feign feelings in an attempt to just have SOMETHING there. I am sitting here writing this, and yeah, I am having flashes of emotion, but it seems my overall default state is completely emotionless and neutral, almost like nothing, but also almost like everything. I will focus my efforts in embracing and exploring this feeling -- hmm. Perhaps it is completion. I personally think it is just, a state which has developed because a lack of programming. A blank, neutral, undifferentiated state. And perhaps it's okay, you know? Perhaps I don't have to put on a show, like it's something else. I will really focus my efforts on being fluid, and embracing myself, regardless of what that may be. I would compare my default state to what Buddhists strive for -- a release of fetters, no bondage -- just, complete.
As far as partners go, I'm kind of really tired of being with women. It always feels like a chore, like I am putting on a charade. Being with a woman is not staying true to myself. So, I would guess now I am leaning towards homosexuality, and I am okay with that.
My biggest question -- what would you call this undifferentiated, feeling like nothing state? I'm not going to lie, I have done an INCREDIBLE amount of self-exploration. Perhaps, this is just a state of total liberation, and I just need to embrace it? I have probably explored every sexual fantasy, in all different types of roles, just to kind of explore myself and release feelings, try things. I just kind of feel free and fluid. I wonder, if rather than saying I am "non-binary", there is some 3rd gender, a combination of masculinity and femininity that results from an unhindered acceptance of both sides, just a 50 / 50 split. And I also wonder if there is any literature about something like that, you know? Or if there is an official JOS opinion about something like that. Cheers.
In any case, I remember when I was younger, I told my xian father that I felt like I liked other boys, he cried, and I was ashamed of myself, so I said I was just joking. I said this to him when I was about 8 years old or so -- before I ever even knew about sex or anything. It was of innocent truth. Hmm. Talk about Christian mind control. I have recently become aware of the full force of subconscious Christian programming, how much it stifles your individuality. So, I am moving in a new direction, being very openly minded. I am wondering if perhaps much of the pain that I have on a daily basis is because I rejected this part of myself. I have very much been accepting my instinct, intuition, and trying to come to terms with myself. Sometimes, I don't even know who I am on the inside, all the feelings are very much confusing for me.
I am aware of the fact that Satan is not judgemental, and he encourages individuality and self-expression. I very much love this about him, yes?
But, I am coming to you guys, mostly because I do not understand my feelings -- and mostly because there is so much information on the internet, you never know what has been corrupted by a layer of xian influence. I feel like, even stuff on the internet so called accepting homosexuality, is just a form tainted by a layer of xian influence. For example -- I know this is graphic, and I'm sorry -- I went on pornhub the other day, just to check out some gay porn and see how it made me feel. I was shocked. The first thing that came to my mind, is that I saw, these things were having a layer of xian influence. The bottom bitch being destroyed by the alpha top -- hmm -- it all seems so corrupted, society's view of homosexuality. It seems in a way, mainstream homosexuals embrace a xian tainted version of the real thing. A lot of it actually seems like actual perversion -- not true homosexuality, but rather just a twisted perversion that plays into the xian thinking.
In any case, I do not understand myself, and I'm looking to you guys for information, so I can get to know myself better. Most of the time, I feel like nothing. I spent many years isolated throughout childhood (lots of childhood trauma),, so I never think the societal form of "masculinity" got driven into me, so to speak, it never developed. I have to say, on a daily basis, I don't really feel like anything -- it's just like a blank, mutable state. I don't understand that at all, you know? I am sure that society would call it "nonbinary" or perhaps "gender fluid" but I am looking for your guys opinion. My usual default state doesn't really feel like anything, but at least sexually, I can go into pretty much any role?
I would say in general, I just don't feel like anything. I think something that I have to work on is perhaps embracing the fluidity and seeing where it takes me. Perhaps, it's okay to feel like nothing. My biggest concern is, I have been trying to compare myself to others in an attempt to understand myself. Because really, I don't understand myself, or the way I feel sometimes. Right now, it just feels like nothing lol. I think part of me has been really distressed by this as well, and has tried to feign feelings in an attempt to just have SOMETHING there. I am sitting here writing this, and yeah, I am having flashes of emotion, but it seems my overall default state is completely emotionless and neutral, almost like nothing, but also almost like everything. I will focus my efforts in embracing and exploring this feeling -- hmm. Perhaps it is completion. I personally think it is just, a state which has developed because a lack of programming. A blank, neutral, undifferentiated state. And perhaps it's okay, you know? Perhaps I don't have to put on a show, like it's something else. I will really focus my efforts on being fluid, and embracing myself, regardless of what that may be. I would compare my default state to what Buddhists strive for -- a release of fetters, no bondage -- just, complete.
As far as partners go, I'm kind of really tired of being with women. It always feels like a chore, like I am putting on a charade. Being with a woman is not staying true to myself. So, I would guess now I am leaning towards homosexuality, and I am okay with that.
My biggest question -- what would you call this undifferentiated, feeling like nothing state? I'm not going to lie, I have done an INCREDIBLE amount of self-exploration. Perhaps, this is just a state of total liberation, and I just need to embrace it? I have probably explored every sexual fantasy, in all different types of roles, just to kind of explore myself and release feelings, try things. I just kind of feel free and fluid. I wonder, if rather than saying I am "non-binary", there is some 3rd gender, a combination of masculinity and femininity that results from an unhindered acceptance of both sides, just a 50 / 50 split. And I also wonder if there is any literature about something like that, you know? Or if there is an official JOS opinion about something like that. Cheers.
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