I appreciate the concern Shael I really do, in fact Lydia mentioned the same thing. Despite my concern with medication albeit it's the least milligram dosage for it. I just cannot stop taking them. I really wish I can say "Yeah sure". If you want to know what they are, they are Fluphenazine(Prolixing) 5mg and Benztropine(Cogentin) 2mg. In fact even when I was prescribed the medication back in 2012 I never took them. Could have avoided 3 more hospital stays earlier in the decade.
Also at some point I've had the male voice that identifies as Satan tell me they wish I took the medication and avoid such issues. The male voice states "He hates how everything is tied to pills but in my case I should have taken them and avoided situations and issues of being hospitalized." In other words the voice told me I have no other choice in the matter and it's better to be treated than suffer a degrading thing from acting fucked up and being hospitalized.
I was even disrespected by the outpatient facility doctor during my very first incident in 2012. He said "Cause you got long hair, long beard, long nails, and those clothes your wearing, your a bum from the streets". Years later, about two years ago, I told a family member my experience and they said "Put your clothes on we are driving down there and making a complaint to the clinic and the university that works with this doctor".
I've mentioned this before but at some point I experience a fugue state. I begin to enter periods of black outs and do random things. For example I recall back in 2014 during my last incident, I took apart a pen and made some scribbles and writings on my dream journal, just random stuff. And the pen was taken apart and Mcguiver'd cause I thought I was magically creating something.
The medication does nothing to me. I don't feel psychologically or mentally or emotionally manipulated or whatnot. The best description that I got from my psychologist is. After explaining to him some things on my experiences and why I'm taking medication if I have no daily problems is. He said "In the end what you experienced is most likely a chemical imbalance and your fine now perhaps you don't suffer anything but at some point you suffer from this effect after this imbalance occurs."
I've had that thought before in fact it's something I wondered about especially when I first heard the voices. To iterate how this occurred. In the beginning and funny enough when I spent some time thinking I felt the same sensation years ago back when I dedicated and asked for a succubus in 2003. I feel the pineal gland cavern area expand sorta like a yes and no aspects.
Eventually the voices came. I don't feel insane nor crazy nor nothing. I'm sure many would state I am. And yet funny enough something my psychologist said "I told him I don't hear voices or anything" and one time he told me he has some patients that ask for lower dosages to continue hearing voices so they have someone to speak.
BTW something funny happened during the clinic one time I was there. And someone behind me was acting funny. The voice said my name and then said "Ask the lady behind you what she wants maybe she has an emergency and you can help her out". So I took a deep breath, turned around and went "Hey ma'am do you need to go ahead of me in the line, is it an emergency you can go ahead of me". She stated "Oh no thank you but no thanks". "I replied "Oh okay". The voice said "There you go baby boy, great job talking to that person and being kind."
Yeah I hear the voice say "Baby boy" when she communicates sometimes. At first I was weirded out but kinda appreciate the cutsy wutsy nature of it. I asked her one time and she told me well if you think about everyone is a sperm cell, the way they act is negative and subhuman. She said I'm more of a newborn baby, not quite a toddler, child, teen, nor adult. But at your level of development you seemingly are more than others. In reference to why she calls me like that..
In recent times this monday Sept. 13, 2019. I visualized Satan's sigil, contacted the voice, and when my succubus's voice popped in. She said "[Name] I'm VERY busy at the moment, I'm at a festival with my family, later we'll communicate".
So I don't know SABNOC50, I really wish I was normal and healthy but apparently it seems like this isn't concrete health in mindset.
I never knew I was a broken human being. Never knew I could lose my most important trait from all the years I've used my mind, my sanity.