Cyn666
New member
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2018
- Messages
- 132
It's no secret that I dedicated around ten years ago and fell off and on the path until recently. For those slip ups, I blame myself and hold onto that blame, though I don't know why. I was raised by a very self-hating mother who would always openly speak of the insecurities she held and participated in self destructive beauty regimes: notably bulimia, but in denial about what it actually was. And encouraged me to do the same. About three years ago, I knew something was wrong but I hid that truth from myself. My mother passed away from a blood clot that took a while to take her. The weeks leading up to it, I felt it coming. But I denied all the signs. Brushed them off as a new reaction to a change in her meds. The day of, people kept saying I was in shock. I had already cried. Wasn't that enough? They told me not to blame myself. Why would they say that? I was fine. Recently I came face to face with the reality that I did ignore the signs out of my own weakness and fear. But now it is physically. I cannot look into a mirror without destroying my worth, seeing my physical self only through hate. The past examples I've shared are the major incidents that I think helped form this current state of emotion.
I've been doing a regular meditation program and believe this is also why such feelings have surfaced.
I'd like to ask: how does one work through this? How do I accept and forgive myself?
I've been doing a regular meditation program and believe this is also why such feelings have surfaced.
I'd like to ask: how does one work through this? How do I accept and forgive myself?